Q about his alcohol control
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: texas
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Q about his alcohol control
My AH does not and will not drink at work. He did several years ago and was fired as a result. He did 'learn his lesson' from that. He also understands that his job is a very dangerous one and 1 slip up could be fatal for his crew. He takes his job very seriously.
My question is... if he can control it by not drinking at work, sometimes up to 14 hours a day, why cant he control it while hes home? Sure, he justifies it as he deserves it, the hard worker that he is and all (sarcastic voice). But if he has a day off, he spends it as drunk as he can get. If he gets a whole weekend off, i must prepare for 48 hours of babysitting a sloppy, compulsive, and annoying drunk. The kids and I can foget about any quality or family time with him. Why cant he sustain from it while off work too and take his family just as serious???
My question is... if he can control it by not drinking at work, sometimes up to 14 hours a day, why cant he control it while hes home? Sure, he justifies it as he deserves it, the hard worker that he is and all (sarcastic voice). But if he has a day off, he spends it as drunk as he can get. If he gets a whole weekend off, i must prepare for 48 hours of babysitting a sloppy, compulsive, and annoying drunk. The kids and I can foget about any quality or family time with him. Why cant he sustain from it while off work too and take his family just as serious???
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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He really cannot control it.
He probably justifies his problem by not drinking at work, see? Im functional!
If he could control it, he would do what you are saying.
If he already drank at work, chances are, that will happen again. This is a progressive thing.
He probably justifies his problem by not drinking at work, see? Im functional!
If he could control it, he would do what you are saying.
If he already drank at work, chances are, that will happen again. This is a progressive thing.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I don't know I can't speak for your husband, but possibly because the consequences of his drinking are much more grave if he drinks at work than if he drinks at home, and lets face it, he's got to drink somewhere! If he drinks at work he could at worst kill people, or at less worse lose his job again. What are the consequences - for him - not you and the kids - of his drinking at home? He gets baby sat by you? Sounds like a cushy deal to me! 
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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It's all about the perception of it - our perceptions shape our realities.
If he can hold it together during working hours, he perceives himself to have control & therefore has no problem in his opinion. Because, after all, he exhibits control 14 hours a day. Plus once others are aware of his drinking, the cat is out of the bag.
At home, who cares? It's *just* my family that sees me blotto & after all, I don't have a problem because I can control my drinking when it suits me. The rest of the world doesn't see what goes on behind closed doors & he gets to keep his perception of the situation.
If he can hold it together during working hours, he perceives himself to have control & therefore has no problem in his opinion. Because, after all, he exhibits control 14 hours a day. Plus once others are aware of his drinking, the cat is out of the bag.
At home, who cares? It's *just* my family that sees me blotto & after all, I don't have a problem because I can control my drinking when it suits me. The rest of the world doesn't see what goes on behind closed doors & he gets to keep his perception of the situation.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Jackie, I believe it's like DoubleBarrel said, he can point to this and say "look, I'm NOT an alcoholic, I have a job, a house, a wife and kids--alcoholics are people who live on the street, out of work, dirty clothes, all alone--THAT'S not me!" The rooms of AA are full of people who have said that same thing, and I hope some of our own "double winners" will stop by to talk about that.
Two other things come to my mind: The first one is that he is not drinking at work so far as you know. Just b/c he says he's not, doesn't necessarily mean he truly is not. The little nip to "steady the nerves" in the coffee could go unnoticed for quite some time...
The other thing is that alcoholism IS a progressive disease. It's going to get worse as time passes. That is a fact. He does not drink at work YET. He is not dirty, smelly and homeless YET. My AH tells me that in AA, they say "YET" stands for "You're Eligible Too", meaning just because the A hasn't had a car accident, hasn't lost his job, hasn't been kicked out by a spouse, doesn't have dire financial problems, doesn't mean that those things can't happen in the future (and sometimes in the very NEAR future--check out the couple of recent threads by people whose A's got DUIs, or the nightmare that BoxInRotz is going thru).
And again, if I remember your original post correctly, he has ALREADY had drunken vehicle accidents, right? And has ALREADY lost a job due to drinking? So why wouldn't those things be able to happen again? What has changed?
Two other things come to my mind: The first one is that he is not drinking at work so far as you know. Just b/c he says he's not, doesn't necessarily mean he truly is not. The little nip to "steady the nerves" in the coffee could go unnoticed for quite some time...
The other thing is that alcoholism IS a progressive disease. It's going to get worse as time passes. That is a fact. He does not drink at work YET. He is not dirty, smelly and homeless YET. My AH tells me that in AA, they say "YET" stands for "You're Eligible Too", meaning just because the A hasn't had a car accident, hasn't lost his job, hasn't been kicked out by a spouse, doesn't have dire financial problems, doesn't mean that those things can't happen in the future (and sometimes in the very NEAR future--check out the couple of recent threads by people whose A's got DUIs, or the nightmare that BoxInRotz is going thru).
And again, if I remember your original post correctly, he has ALREADY had drunken vehicle accidents, right? And has ALREADY lost a job due to drinking? So why wouldn't those things be able to happen again? What has changed?
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No, just that a progressive disease such as alcoholism will not alter its course and magically "get better" unless there is decisive action taken to make that happen.
By "action", I mean AA or the like, a consistent program for sobriety, not simply claiming to have "learned a lesson." All of us here have heard that line many, many times and have seen again and again how little it means.
By "action", I mean AA or the like, a consistent program for sobriety, not simply claiming to have "learned a lesson." All of us here have heard that line many, many times and have seen again and again how little it means.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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In my opinion, my AH (who is still actively drinking) is so far in the grips of his disease right now that it is impossible for him to "control" his drinking on the grander scale (even if he can "control" it to the point where he doesn't actually drink on the job). His disease has such a hold over him that he is utterly incapable of truly accepting how damaging his behavior is. I do believe that at some level he is aware of what he is doing, but the disease has such control over him, that it silences that deep awareness.
My AH will not seek recovery and sobriety unless and until his own understanding of his behavior and actions changes. Right now his understanding of his behavior and choices is that they are perfectly acceptable, not harmful or damaging, and utterly normal. Yes, that is a totally effed up understanding, but the fact that it is effed up doesn't change the fact that this IS his understanding right now. For him to truly learn a real, meaningful "lesson" about his drinking will require that he change his understanding of himself. And I can tell you from my experience, that just because an A gets in trouble and says he has "learned his lesson" does not mean that in a week, or a month, or a year, that lesson becomes unlearned. I call it the magical moving line of what is acceptable. My AH does things today that he said a year ago he would never, ever do. But his disease convinces him that it's OK to move that line of what is acceptable.
Me telling him his behavior and choices are hurtful or bad or damaging will not change his understanding. I never changed anybody with my words. Something within him has to change. The last time he sobered up (which was before we were together), it was because he got his third DUI. THAT changed his understanding of himself, for a few years anyway.
My AH will not seek recovery and sobriety unless and until his own understanding of his behavior and actions changes. Right now his understanding of his behavior and choices is that they are perfectly acceptable, not harmful or damaging, and utterly normal. Yes, that is a totally effed up understanding, but the fact that it is effed up doesn't change the fact that this IS his understanding right now. For him to truly learn a real, meaningful "lesson" about his drinking will require that he change his understanding of himself. And I can tell you from my experience, that just because an A gets in trouble and says he has "learned his lesson" does not mean that in a week, or a month, or a year, that lesson becomes unlearned. I call it the magical moving line of what is acceptable. My AH does things today that he said a year ago he would never, ever do. But his disease convinces him that it's OK to move that line of what is acceptable.
Me telling him his behavior and choices are hurtful or bad or damaging will not change his understanding. I never changed anybody with my words. Something within him has to change. The last time he sobered up (which was before we were together), it was because he got his third DUI. THAT changed his understanding of himself, for a few years anyway.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Your husband did learn something, but this is not what you hoped for. He learned that drinking at work has certain consequences and drinking at home does not. So, he has only modified his drinking pattern. It is pretty amazing what they are ready to do to keep the booze. And believe me, I know; I have a King Toddler myself who used to ruin our weekends on regular basis. (hint: he does not drink at work, but he drinks at home because he knows I have no strength to "fire" him.)
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I wanted to check in. I am a double winner and like your husband I never drank at work. I actually live alone and drank alone secretly after turning my phone off.
I never drank at work or before because I work in a homeless shelter and people depend upon me for a safe place to stay at night.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and aside from being very suicidal, what prompted me to go back to recovery is that during the holiday season my drinking went way out of whack. I just could not stop and I knew it would be a matter of time before I would show up to work intoxicated or would not open the shelter and leave 30 people out in the cold because I was passed out. The prospect horrified me.
Anyway, he might not drink out of a sense of duty and safety but sooner or later unless he gets into recovery this will catch up on him.
He might start showing up still a bit buzzed from the night before and sneak in a beer or a small airplane of liquor to have hair of the tail of the dog who bit him. Then it will open the doors and he will forget his past termination.
Like a good friend of mine in AA says: we alcoholics have a built in forgetter.
I would suggest that you check out Al Anon if you have not done so yet. I always say that AA saved my life but Al Anon saved my sanity.
I would also suggest that you start planning some activities for yourself on the week ends. Alcoholics do take hostage and just because he waste his time drinking himself silly does not mean that you should be babysitting him and missing out on life....just saying.
I know that for us codependents, life centers around the alcoholic and his mischief. Time to put the focus on you.
Do something fun tomorrow and let him drink himself stupid alone on the couch.
I never drank at work or before because I work in a homeless shelter and people depend upon me for a safe place to stay at night.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and aside from being very suicidal, what prompted me to go back to recovery is that during the holiday season my drinking went way out of whack. I just could not stop and I knew it would be a matter of time before I would show up to work intoxicated or would not open the shelter and leave 30 people out in the cold because I was passed out. The prospect horrified me.
Anyway, he might not drink out of a sense of duty and safety but sooner or later unless he gets into recovery this will catch up on him.
He might start showing up still a bit buzzed from the night before and sneak in a beer or a small airplane of liquor to have hair of the tail of the dog who bit him. Then it will open the doors and he will forget his past termination.
Like a good friend of mine in AA says: we alcoholics have a built in forgetter.
I would suggest that you check out Al Anon if you have not done so yet. I always say that AA saved my life but Al Anon saved my sanity.
I would also suggest that you start planning some activities for yourself on the week ends. Alcoholics do take hostage and just because he waste his time drinking himself silly does not mean that you should be babysitting him and missing out on life....just saying.
I know that for us codependents, life centers around the alcoholic and his mischief. Time to put the focus on you.
Do something fun tomorrow and let him drink himself stupid alone on the couch.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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alcoholics are people who live on the street, out of work, dirty clothes, all alone--THAT'S not me!
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I could "control" my drinking for discrete periods of time when it was critical to me, but eventually I had to give in and drink the way I wanted to. It's like resisting an itch while you're required to lie still for a CAT scan or to pose for a photograph. You can do it for a little while, but eventually you gotta scratch it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I could "control" my drinking for discrete periods of time when it was critical to me, but eventually I had to give in and drink the way I wanted to. It's like resisting an itch while you're required to lie still for a CAT scan or to pose for a photograph. You can do it for a little while, but eventually you gotta scratch it.
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I at least drank to control my feelings, hangovers are just as important part of that as being drunk – it is a cycle, in reality you do not need to drink that many hours to stay in that cycle – not if you drink fast at least.
I do agree with petmagnet that there is selfishness involved in alcoholism at many levels. You need to be selfish to justify doing it and being numb or drunk most of the time, does make it easier to be insensitive and selfish.
I do agree with petmagnet that there is selfishness involved in alcoholism at many levels. You need to be selfish to justify doing it and being numb or drunk most of the time, does make it easier to be insensitive and selfish.
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Jackie1, if he "could learn a lesson"---he would not be an alcoholic. This is what makes it a disease. The person will continue to drink in spite of negative consequences. He can't stop because there is an overwhelming compulsion to drink (the disease part). This desire arises from a place in the brain. Total and complete sobriety is the only thing that will put this powerful compulsion into remission.
I think of this compulsion this way: Suppose that yo were in the desert and were very dehydrated--very thirsty, and needing fluid to save your life---and, someone comes along and sets down a frosty glass of Iced tea with tinkling ice cubes. How strong would your compulsion to drink the iced tea be? This is how it is with your husband--it feels like he has to drink to save his life. It is not fun--and he suffers enormous discomfort. You don't understand this---because, obviously, you are NOt an alcoholic.
It is hard for non-alcoholics to understand.
Have you ever craved a certain food--and, can't get it off your mind? similar, I think--only much more powerful.
dandylion
I think of this compulsion this way: Suppose that yo were in the desert and were very dehydrated--very thirsty, and needing fluid to save your life---and, someone comes along and sets down a frosty glass of Iced tea with tinkling ice cubes. How strong would your compulsion to drink the iced tea be? This is how it is with your husband--it feels like he has to drink to save his life. It is not fun--and he suffers enormous discomfort. You don't understand this---because, obviously, you are NOt an alcoholic.
It is hard for non-alcoholics to understand.
Have you ever craved a certain food--and, can't get it off your mind? similar, I think--only much more powerful.
dandylion
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