Newbie to the forum- hi all.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Somewhere, Fractured State
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Newbie to the forum- hi all.
Hi, I'm new here but not new to the disease we have all coped with. My wife is an alcoholic and I could replace her name in most of the stories and threads I have read so far. I have been to 2 Al Anon meetings so far and see a counselor for advice every two weeks. I won't bore you with the details of the classic garden variety alcoholic's shenanigans as you could probably tell me what she did and was or is doing. I am here because I did all the right things, took all the advice, etc and now shes back at it. I got her to detox and rehab in July and was looking forward to our refreshed married life. Well, it lasted only a week or two after 35ish days sober. Last night I get home from work and guess who is drunk, belligerent and insulting(hint, not me!) I started to doubt her sobriety last week but wanted to give the benefit of the doubt as she was going to meetings daily. All the same patterns re-established- blame me, pity party, laziness, lies, deception etc(don't get me wrong, she is an amazing person when sober). Before I ramble, I will summarize by first being thankful that I found AlAnon and this place. Second by sharing my small victory last night in making a decision to detach, really detach. This selfish ******** way of life she has decided on has no place in mine. I have suffered long enough and tried to help enough. Today I start living. Available for positive options to her but only at her request(for now). No more arguing, frustration, etc. I am not in control of her bad decisions and won't suffer anymore because of them(her family is starting to head this direction as well)! Thanks for reading and have a blessed day. Signed, recovering(slowly) codependent
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Welcome, forworse, altho to me it sounds like you yourself are DEFINITELY turning "forbetter"!
Glad you found SR and hoping it can be the source of support and learning for you that it has been for me.
Sorry for the disappointment after the high hopes, but great job on the detaching and realizing you have to start making your own life for yourself.
It surely sounds like you have the basics down when it comes to dealing with an active A. Please continue with your Alanon, keep coming here to read and post. One step at a time, you'll start to see what you need to do to get where you want to be.
You are not alone, altho if you've been reading here as you say you have, you're likely well aware of that already!
Glad you found SR and hoping it can be the source of support and learning for you that it has been for me.
Sorry for the disappointment after the high hopes, but great job on the detaching and realizing you have to start making your own life for yourself.
It surely sounds like you have the basics down when it comes to dealing with an active A. Please continue with your Alanon, keep coming here to read and post. One step at a time, you'll start to see what you need to do to get where you want to be.
You are not alone, altho if you've been reading here as you say you have, you're likely well aware of that already!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
forworse, welcome
Sounds like you are doing good in detaching and going forward with your life. This will help you so much in whatever your future holds for you. I used to help myself detach by whenever I pulled into the driveway each evening I would tell myself to get ready for the "crazy Gary show". I tried to imagine that when I walked in I was watching a show on TV & pretend this was someone else's life and it made it so much easier to detach as if I were watching a sitcom on TV and couldn't wait to see the next crazy thing he would pull out of the hat for me. That way I could slowly chuckle, walk off and go about my business. It acted like a shield from his nasty remarks.
Sounds like you are doing good in detaching and going forward with your life. This will help you so much in whatever your future holds for you. I used to help myself detach by whenever I pulled into the driveway each evening I would tell myself to get ready for the "crazy Gary show". I tried to imagine that when I walked in I was watching a show on TV & pretend this was someone else's life and it made it so much easier to detach as if I were watching a sitcom on TV and couldn't wait to see the next crazy thing he would pull out of the hat for me. That way I could slowly chuckle, walk off and go about my business. It acted like a shield from his nasty remarks.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
forworse, Welcome! You said "I won't bore you with the details of the classic garden variety alcoholic's shenanigans.... " I disagree. I encourage you to write whatever, in as much detail and how often as you need. Even though we family/friends of alcoholics have very similar stories, we still are unique and our story needs to be told. I joined this site about a month ago and I am so grateful for this amazing community.
Again, welcome; I am glad you are here.
Again, welcome; I am glad you are here.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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thank you. I chose that name because she keeps telling me that its for better or worse and using that as a crutch to excuse unacceptable behavior. My classic response used to be 'when do I get the for better bc I have been dealing with for worse for a long time' Now should she bring it up again it will be 'ok, you might be right' She is the only part of my life that gives me hell. It frustrates me that she can take me for granted, tell me she loves me and follow it up with some half witted insult and excuse for why she chooses to remain a very capable lazy bum.
lol @ the crazy Gary show. thanks for the laugh! I hate the feeling i get when pulling into the driveway knowing I will find her on the couch, dishes in the sink, nothing accomplished for the day and insulting.
I know why she turned to alcohol and so does she. It has her in such a choke hold and is her only coping skill. I feel bad for her but no longer bad enough to let it drag me down anymore. Either the light will come on and she will get it or find that not only has she lost everything else but she has lost me- one of the few people that have the option to and still talk to her. Friends all gone. Job or career gone. Money gone(thank GOD I listened to someone far wiser than I and kept her money, my money and our money separate.) I don't know what her bottom is but that is for her to find. I still care but am getting myself together now. My attitude is follow, lead, or get out of the way...
I think there is a mens group near our home I will go to tonight. Maybe she will want to go to an AA meeting or maybe she won't. Its no longer something for me to be part of other than getting her there if she chooses(i took the keys away since she 'doesnt remember getting booze'
be blessed
lol @ the crazy Gary show. thanks for the laugh! I hate the feeling i get when pulling into the driveway knowing I will find her on the couch, dishes in the sink, nothing accomplished for the day and insulting.
I know why she turned to alcohol and so does she. It has her in such a choke hold and is her only coping skill. I feel bad for her but no longer bad enough to let it drag me down anymore. Either the light will come on and she will get it or find that not only has she lost everything else but she has lost me- one of the few people that have the option to and still talk to her. Friends all gone. Job or career gone. Money gone(thank GOD I listened to someone far wiser than I and kept her money, my money and our money separate.) I don't know what her bottom is but that is for her to find. I still care but am getting myself together now. My attitude is follow, lead, or get out of the way...
I think there is a mens group near our home I will go to tonight. Maybe she will want to go to an AA meeting or maybe she won't. Its no longer something for me to be part of other than getting her there if she chooses(i took the keys away since she 'doesnt remember getting booze'
be blessed
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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Follow, lead or get out of the way. Sounds good to me!!!
I live with Jimmy but for the most part, it's been James. James has been an irresponsible ass for most of our two year marriage. His latest stunts have drained me emotionally n physically. I may just have to go on strike if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass soon n show me instead of telling me.
I feel your pain. We all do. I'm glad you are here. We care.
I live with Jimmy but for the most part, it's been James. James has been an irresponsible ass for most of our two year marriage. His latest stunts have drained me emotionally n physically. I may just have to go on strike if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass soon n show me instead of telling me.
I feel your pain. We all do. I'm glad you are here. We care.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Welcome forworse, I'm glad you posted! Love hearing that you're not focused on fixing the A in your life, your focus is on you. You're getting that we really have no control over the A and their decisions, it's up to them to find their path. Kudos to you for going to AlAnon, don't know where I'd be without my group!
Don't be surprised if your AW actually gets a little worse acting out as you become detached. My counselor warned me that once my BF figured out I wasn't paying attention to him he would get worse. And he did, for a short period. He learned it didn't work anymore. But I had to stay strong for a few weeks and keep my boundaries.
Don't be surprised if your AW actually gets a little worse acting out as you become detached. My counselor warned me that once my BF figured out I wasn't paying attention to him he would get worse. And he did, for a short period. He learned it didn't work anymore. But I had to stay strong for a few weeks and keep my boundaries.
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Forworse, she is doing what an active alcoholic who is still in denial does. She drinks. She is not doing it to hurt you or to make you miserably married. When she picks up the bottle, she's not really thinking about anything but quieting the "noise" in her head. Her criticisms are to protect herself and her drinking--to remove the focus from her. If you can remember this, it will help you from taking her behavior personally and reduce your stressful feelings considerably. Picture her with a large "S" on her forehead for sick.
And, while you are at it, you might want to lower your bar for expectations several notches. Do expect her to be on the couch; expect the house to be a mess and the dishes dirty; expect her to drink before AA meetings, etc..... If your expectations are low--then you won't be so frustrated or disappointed.
As you know, rehab is only a preparation to begin sobriety. Even for those who are very committed--the first year is almost always a rocky road for most couples--sometimes, "worse that when they were drinking!". So you see, your expectation of a "refreshed married life" right after rehab was a bit overly optimistic.
no expectations=no regrets.
dandylion
And, while you are at it, you might want to lower your bar for expectations several notches. Do expect her to be on the couch; expect the house to be a mess and the dishes dirty; expect her to drink before AA meetings, etc..... If your expectations are low--then you won't be so frustrated or disappointed.
As you know, rehab is only a preparation to begin sobriety. Even for those who are very committed--the first year is almost always a rocky road for most couples--sometimes, "worse that when they were drinking!". So you see, your expectation of a "refreshed married life" right after rehab was a bit overly optimistic.
no expectations=no regrets.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 75
Welcome forworse, glad you found this site. Everyone on here has been very helpful to me, offered advice, been straight up, and it has helped to know I not alone. I have also been to two al anon meetings, then have had to miss the last two weeks, I'm hoping to be able to go back, and between there and here figure out my path to make my life happy and sane.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Hi Forworse,
I completely get your user-name unfortunately. I too am in the "forworse" category of a "functioning" alcoholic marriage. The for betters are few between and utterly confusing at times. I did the rehab hopes and dreams thing with my "A" hubby about 10 months ago after he was forced to go by his employer. As you can tell it didn't last... (much past 4 days after getting out). So, my view on rehab is a very jaded thing at this point. I really believe rehab is useless unless they want to go on their own accord, and even then it's a dismal out look for some. I don't know what brought your wife there, but hopefully if it was something she wanted. Maybe it will still click for her. Sometimes there is that adjustment period and they get it after a "relapse". I think your making a good decision to protect yourself by detaching. It isn't easy though and something I still struggle with. The people on here are great. The love and support is amazing. I come and go, and read, and soak up the stories and advice. Welcome and hang in there it's a wild ride as you know.
I completely get your user-name unfortunately. I too am in the "forworse" category of a "functioning" alcoholic marriage. The for betters are few between and utterly confusing at times. I did the rehab hopes and dreams thing with my "A" hubby about 10 months ago after he was forced to go by his employer. As you can tell it didn't last... (much past 4 days after getting out). So, my view on rehab is a very jaded thing at this point. I really believe rehab is useless unless they want to go on their own accord, and even then it's a dismal out look for some. I don't know what brought your wife there, but hopefully if it was something she wanted. Maybe it will still click for her. Sometimes there is that adjustment period and they get it after a "relapse". I think your making a good decision to protect yourself by detaching. It isn't easy though and something I still struggle with. The people on here are great. The love and support is amazing. I come and go, and read, and soak up the stories and advice. Welcome and hang in there it's a wild ride as you know.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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thank you all so much! this is such great advice.
i guess i was under the false hope that when she came out of rehab she would want to embrace the good life we all deserve. well, her lips were moving and it felt like her heart was in it until a few days after she got out. the feelings i had before she went to rehab regarding her drinking and actions(or lack of actions) started to resurface triggered by statements she was making about being sad again and thinking she may want to go back to recovery as well as telling me she wanted to hang out and watch football again, have a beer and be a normal person. at that moment i expected failure and surely it followed shortly. i recognize now that there is a lot more peace when you stop trying to save an Ass, i mean A.
she told me she wanted to be 'normal and have a couple drinks once in a while' i felt the need to inform her that sobriety is normal and alcoholism is far less normal. i drank socially but have pretty much not drank since shes been back. she used to be able to control it until she couldn't. i didn't see her condition until it got really bad. it was all hidden for so long until she couldn't hide it anymore as her life spun out of control. i was not meeting friends for a beer for the sake of her sobriety. now im not doing so because i have far too much going on to do so plus i want to get in better shape(down 5 lbs in 2 weeks). i wake at 6, gym at 630, run my business from 9 to at 530 or 6, check home, back to the gym for a quick 15 minute massage chair experience, back home for dinner and miscellaneous chores, a little reading, maybe some angry birds(dont laugh) and bed
i think i know way more about this disease than i ever expected to or wanted to know. i finally understand why so many people in the behavioral health system seemed somewhat removed. they know the A is a selfish self centered jerk until they decide not to be so. we feel we can help or are able to save them when the only thing we can do without fail is get frustrated because their brains are rewired and they don't react or behave as normal adults. normal for them is effed up and they just don't understand why life is so difficult and they are so sad even though it has been repeated ad nauseum. crazy as I am, I am willing to work on our marriage after shes sober for some time. i am not going to work to grow closer with someone that has taken everything for granted and wants to throw life away. we are both in our mid thirties and want to have children but there is no way in hell i would want to have a child with her right now. it sucks because i want to be the great father i can be and bring up an amazing child. i know she could be an awesome mom(though i am starting to question her belief system now- such a sense of entitlement) but right now she sucks at life and i would never be so selfish as to want to bring a child into the world with an A mom.
there is more to our situation but i'll have to save it for later. thank you for sharing, for the laughs and for the advice.
i guess i was under the false hope that when she came out of rehab she would want to embrace the good life we all deserve. well, her lips were moving and it felt like her heart was in it until a few days after she got out. the feelings i had before she went to rehab regarding her drinking and actions(or lack of actions) started to resurface triggered by statements she was making about being sad again and thinking she may want to go back to recovery as well as telling me she wanted to hang out and watch football again, have a beer and be a normal person. at that moment i expected failure and surely it followed shortly. i recognize now that there is a lot more peace when you stop trying to save an Ass, i mean A.
she told me she wanted to be 'normal and have a couple drinks once in a while' i felt the need to inform her that sobriety is normal and alcoholism is far less normal. i drank socially but have pretty much not drank since shes been back. she used to be able to control it until she couldn't. i didn't see her condition until it got really bad. it was all hidden for so long until she couldn't hide it anymore as her life spun out of control. i was not meeting friends for a beer for the sake of her sobriety. now im not doing so because i have far too much going on to do so plus i want to get in better shape(down 5 lbs in 2 weeks). i wake at 6, gym at 630, run my business from 9 to at 530 or 6, check home, back to the gym for a quick 15 minute massage chair experience, back home for dinner and miscellaneous chores, a little reading, maybe some angry birds(dont laugh
) and bed i think i know way more about this disease than i ever expected to or wanted to know. i finally understand why so many people in the behavioral health system seemed somewhat removed. they know the A is a selfish self centered jerk until they decide not to be so. we feel we can help or are able to save them when the only thing we can do without fail is get frustrated because their brains are rewired and they don't react or behave as normal adults. normal for them is effed up and they just don't understand why life is so difficult and they are so sad even though it has been repeated ad nauseum. crazy as I am, I am willing to work on our marriage after shes sober for some time. i am not going to work to grow closer with someone that has taken everything for granted and wants to throw life away. we are both in our mid thirties and want to have children but there is no way in hell i would want to have a child with her right now. it sucks because i want to be the great father i can be and bring up an amazing child. i know she could be an awesome mom(though i am starting to question her belief system now- such a sense of entitlement) but right now she sucks at life and i would never be so selfish as to want to bring a child into the world with an A mom.
there is more to our situation but i'll have to save it for later. thank you for sharing, for the laughs and for the advice.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Somewhere, Fractured State
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First REAL alanon meeting tonight. Had been to two other beginner overview style meetings and grabbed little bits and pieces but tonight was a men's group dicussion. Wow, I'm hooked. Adding 'alanon works' to my reading. I can't seem to put it down. I am very thankful today for letting go of my way and being able to decide to seek help and peace. I got the finger from my aw as I left but I somehow didn't care and chuckled a little. I hope that anyone that is hurting like me can find their way to recovery. They promised if I decided I didn't like it that I could have my misery and despair back at no charge
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
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Glad you found us. You're really among people who are walking the same walk and as you suggested, talking the same talk!
Similar situation, wife is the alcoholic/addict, and we have 4 kids together.
I can't say where I am with my situation, but I know I'm feeling, perhaps knowing, it's over. With the kids, its something I can't get my head around other than I have to protect them. It's going to be hard for me as my parents are with The Lord, so its something I'm still trying to figure out.
It is all my wife's(and yours as well) decision to do something about it, and its up to us to make our own way, regardless of what they decide to do.
I wish I could give you and everyone else here the holy grail on how to handle this, so I'll just pray.
In His name, Spinner.
Similar situation, wife is the alcoholic/addict, and we have 4 kids together.
I can't say where I am with my situation, but I know I'm feeling, perhaps knowing, it's over. With the kids, its something I can't get my head around other than I have to protect them. It's going to be hard for me as my parents are with The Lord, so its something I'm still trying to figure out.
It is all my wife's(and yours as well) decision to do something about it, and its up to us to make our own way, regardless of what they decide to do.
I wish I could give you and everyone else here the holy grail on how to handle this, so I'll just pray.
In His name, Spinner.
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Spin- tough road especially with the kids. I feel for ya man. Keep fighting for your life back. Sounds like you are working your way towards it. I have been in classic denial for a long time and didn't know what I was looking for until I decided to simply ask for God's guidance. When I stopped begging him for a solution or for my aw's sobriety, I found this site which encouraged me to take the step I knew I should and go to a full blown meeting vs just an intro type where I could just think about how similar my situation was instead of really opening up and making a commitment. Funny how when I stopped to listen, the answer was there all along. I wish you and everyone else the best in your and their journeys and you're a good man for getting those kids to safety and searching for your own peace. Be well.
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Wow what a difference a day of detachment made. I woke my aw to ask her if she wanted to go to the gym and she jumped up ready to go. Asked me if we were going to stay married and I told her I wasn't making that decision today. I told her I loved her but hate her disease. She said she hated it too. I told her I am going to work on me now and she can work on herself. If in the future it makes sense for us then we could grow back together. She said she felt like **** for doing this and promised not to drink again. I told her I didn't want that promise but simply that she work on her recovery. Any thoughts?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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forworse, you are doing GREAT! Yes, there is a huge difference between meetings sometimes, hence the advice to try a half dozen DIFFERENT ones before deciding about Alanon. So glad you found one that's a good fit.
As far as thoughts on what your A is up to, I think repeating what is said here all the time might make sense: Watch her actions, ignore her words.
And go one day at a time. I LOVE that you told her you weren't going to make a decision right that same day on staying married! That is one of the most valuable things I have gotten out of Alanon myself--taking enough time to be CLEAR about decisions, not just deciding so that you have decided...
Thanks for your posts, and I look forward to reading more from you!
As far as thoughts on what your A is up to, I think repeating what is said here all the time might make sense: Watch her actions, ignore her words.
And go one day at a time. I LOVE that you told her you weren't going to make a decision right that same day on staying married! That is one of the most valuable things I have gotten out of Alanon myself--taking enough time to be CLEAR about decisions, not just deciding so that you have decided...
Thanks for your posts, and I look forward to reading more from you!
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thank you honeypig. i am glad you picked up on that way of thinking too. when i first started dealing with this and had no experience, i was doing it my way. the wrong way. i felt like she needed to be accountable, etc and i was there to make sure she wasn't going to be such a slackass lazy person with a sense of entitlement. after all, i asked her to be my wife and there is no way i could have made a mistake! rubbish! i had to let go of my embarrassment, pride and pain to even get me this far and im only just beginning. i dont have to win fights or arguments anymore even though i am correct- for a sober person. for a drunk, the perspective and decision making process is much different. i am not arguing with the outright insanity anymore. its not my fight to fight. shes pissed now that she has no keys, no phone, and no cable tv. she said i was taking everything from her. i was thinking 'you idiot! you are the one that has taken everything from me including my sanity, trust, happiness, even money and you are mad because i dont give you what you want?' instead i calmly said 'no, i am taking nothing away. i am just not providing you with things any more. you can feel free to work for and buy those things for yourself.' now, i didnt take the phone away, she lost it in a drunken stupor. i only took the keys because her vehicle is her means to the liquor store, and yes i turned off cable in the house. i am not paying for her to have a convenient time waster all day while i bust my hind at work. i dont watch tv and have fulfilling days. her choice of mental garbage is constant high drama shows with plenty of just plain crappy behavior. she thrives on negative drama and she doesnt get it from the tv anymore or from me.
i knocked her socks off when i didnt react this morning through the whole morning and she noticed! said 'wow, you are just cool and calm and nothing really phases you today.' i said yah, i am getting a lot of happiness knowing that i cant cure your alcoholism and only you can work on you. now im working on me and i loved my meeting last night. she picked up my book and started reading MY materials. started bawling saying she couldnt believe this is what she was doing to me. i didnt react, just said babe, you are no different that the people in those stories, nor am I. yes i have suffered and you have suffered and alcohol is the reason. she just didnt know what to say when she saw what i was working on in print and what she recognized she did. her reaction to that is her business though and my smile for today comes from someone noticing the very beginning of the peace journey i am embarking upon.
i knocked her socks off when i didnt react this morning through the whole morning and she noticed! said 'wow, you are just cool and calm and nothing really phases you today.' i said yah, i am getting a lot of happiness knowing that i cant cure your alcoholism and only you can work on you. now im working on me and i loved my meeting last night. she picked up my book and started reading MY materials. started bawling saying she couldnt believe this is what she was doing to me. i didnt react, just said babe, you are no different that the people in those stories, nor am I. yes i have suffered and you have suffered and alcohol is the reason. she just didnt know what to say when she saw what i was working on in print and what she recognized she did. her reaction to that is her business though and my smile for today comes from someone noticing the very beginning of the peace journey i am embarking upon.
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