Desperate situation... Thoughts?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Desperate situation... Thoughts?
AH had 1 year... Was amazing. Decided to start a family. All was well. Now I'm 8.5 months pregnant, he relapsed and just found his new profile on plenty of fish (dating site). Devistated. Want to cry, vomit and drive far far away. I do have 2.5 yrs in alanon and have a sponsor. Been together 10 years and I never in a million wanted to be a single mom (or give birth without the father present). Please don't be too harsh :-/
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
HH, I have no sage advice to offer, but I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation....
Good thing you have time in Alanon and a sponsor, and hopefully a network of Alanon people who can support you in a face-to-face sense.
I can't imagine the shock of finding these things out when everything seemed to be going so well, and with a baby due any day, too.
Wishing you strength and clarity, and maybe a few moments of peace that sneak in once in a while. Again, I'm so sorry for your troubles.
Good thing you have time in Alanon and a sponsor, and hopefully a network of Alanon people who can support you in a face-to-face sense.
I can't imagine the shock of finding these things out when everything seemed to be going so well, and with a baby due any day, too.
Wishing you strength and clarity, and maybe a few moments of peace that sneak in once in a while. Again, I'm so sorry for your troubles.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
HHTexas -- 2.5 Years in and getting ready to bungee jump the Leap of Faith with a bambino on board? You Go, Girlfriend. Big and Bold. I think me a somewhat "tough guy" at times, but I have to tell you I would be scared, too.
You have to know where you are at in this? You have been saying it for over a 100 meetings, by now, right? You sound pretty powerless and those things are unmanageable.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Pretty well puts you in the launch seat.
Agree you have a Big Problem, but we have a (much) Bigger God, right?
Let's call on Him while He may be found --
Dear God,
Please heal HHTexas' heart, mind, and soul. Please guide her on Your path, along Your will and Your way. Help her raise a Godly child to Your glory.
============
Now in your mind, wrap hubby in a blanket and hand him back over to God. I usually say, "God it looks like your kid (Mrs. Hammer) has a poopie diaper." But then again, I have a laughing, funny God. You will be finding out about poopie diapers soon enough, I suppose.
So let's do what we do best. Work on us. And you have one on the way. Yunno a little secret I learned in Alanon? EVERYTHING is right where it should be right now. You, too.
You have to know where you are at in this? You have been saying it for over a 100 meetings, by now, right? You sound pretty powerless and those things are unmanageable.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Pretty well puts you in the launch seat.
Agree you have a Big Problem, but we have a (much) Bigger God, right?
Let's call on Him while He may be found --
Dear God,
Please heal HHTexas' heart, mind, and soul. Please guide her on Your path, along Your will and Your way. Help her raise a Godly child to Your glory.
============
Now in your mind, wrap hubby in a blanket and hand him back over to God. I usually say, "God it looks like your kid (Mrs. Hammer) has a poopie diaper." But then again, I have a laughing, funny God. You will be finding out about poopie diapers soon enough, I suppose.
So let's do what we do best. Work on us. And you have one on the way. Yunno a little secret I learned in Alanon? EVERYTHING is right where it should be right now. You, too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Dear HH
I so feel for you right now. It breaks my heart when the going gets tough some men just melt. Pregnancies, wife's ill health or death in a family sometimes sends some men looking for an escape using other women. You certainly did not need this at any point in your marriage and so close to the birth of your child is way too unfair. Your baby needs a father right now and you need some major support. May I suggest a couple of things: if you have not confronted him with what you know yet, please don't until you have the baby. You need all your focus on YOU and your new baby. But, while you are awaiting the birth, go into stealth mode and start watching what he is doing on website, phone records, text messages--gather your evidence. This may be the only thing he has done so far and may not have met up with anyone yet. Next, get copies of all your financial information and put them in a safe place. If after the baby is born you find out he may have been unfaithful you will have some decisions to make but for right now, just gather your evidence and take care of you and that baby. You can get through this. Start building a support network now with close friends and family to confide in. My exAH started with prostitutes 1 week before I was to go in to the hospital for a major surgery that would put me out of work & incapacitated for 18 months. I have survived and I am still here, battled radiation, loss of hair and almost lost my job but I survived and so will you. This may be one slight slipup on his part and he has not yet taken the next step. Have faith, it's not over yet!
I so feel for you right now. It breaks my heart when the going gets tough some men just melt. Pregnancies, wife's ill health or death in a family sometimes sends some men looking for an escape using other women. You certainly did not need this at any point in your marriage and so close to the birth of your child is way too unfair. Your baby needs a father right now and you need some major support. May I suggest a couple of things: if you have not confronted him with what you know yet, please don't until you have the baby. You need all your focus on YOU and your new baby. But, while you are awaiting the birth, go into stealth mode and start watching what he is doing on website, phone records, text messages--gather your evidence. This may be the only thing he has done so far and may not have met up with anyone yet. Next, get copies of all your financial information and put them in a safe place. If after the baby is born you find out he may have been unfaithful you will have some decisions to make but for right now, just gather your evidence and take care of you and that baby. You can get through this. Start building a support network now with close friends and family to confide in. My exAH started with prostitutes 1 week before I was to go in to the hospital for a major surgery that would put me out of work & incapacitated for 18 months. I have survived and I am still here, battled radiation, loss of hair and almost lost my job but I survived and so will you. This may be one slight slipup on his part and he has not yet taken the next step. Have faith, it's not over yet!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
I don't know what you should do.
My middle sister found out her husband was cheating when she was pregnant with their second child - at 5 months. She kicked him out. To be honest I don't really know how her finances held up. I think he did contribute but I just don't know. He tried to come back when she was 8 months pregnant. No dice.
She's been happily married to the next husband for many years now. And the two kids turned out great. Ex husband is still in the picture and has made his payments.
As far as we are all concerned it is the ex-husbands loss.
My middle sister found out her husband was cheating when she was pregnant with their second child - at 5 months. She kicked him out. To be honest I don't really know how her finances held up. I think he did contribute but I just don't know. He tried to come back when she was 8 months pregnant. No dice.
She's been happily married to the next husband for many years now. And the two kids turned out great. Ex husband is still in the picture and has made his payments.
As far as we are all concerned it is the ex-husbands loss.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
set your boundries love and stick to them.
that is all you have.
what are your boundries, mine, no active addicition.
I am done with that side show.
If I had a child on the way, my boundry about active addiction would have to be firm.
That being said, I am not in your situation, please keep posting.
Katie xxo
that is all you have.
what are your boundries, mine, no active addicition.
I am done with that side show.
If I had a child on the way, my boundry about active addiction would have to be firm.
That being said, I am not in your situation, please keep posting.
Katie xxo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
One of my younger friends was abandoned by her (alcoholic) husband at 40 weeks pregnancy. She gave birth a week later, made sure to have full legal and physical custody of the baby, moved out of state, got a new job, and is thriving.
She said it was incredibly scary -- but incredibly freeing as well.
We're not supposed to give advice here, so I won't. But trust me, there are a whole lot worse fates out there than being a single mom. I think being married to an actively drinking alcoholic is one...
Do you have family & friends that can support you? Because the hardest thing with a new baby (for me at least) was the lack of sleep. My AXH was an unreliable drunk, so I couldn't rely on HIM to watch the babies while I slept -- that's what I would have needed the most. But if you have family & friends who will come by and hold the baby while you shower or scrub your tub for you or carry a screaming baby around while you put in earplugs and catch a nap... that would make things easier.
She said it was incredibly scary -- but incredibly freeing as well.
We're not supposed to give advice here, so I won't. But trust me, there are a whole lot worse fates out there than being a single mom. I think being married to an actively drinking alcoholic is one...
Do you have family & friends that can support you? Because the hardest thing with a new baby (for me at least) was the lack of sleep. My AXH was an unreliable drunk, so I couldn't rely on HIM to watch the babies while I slept -- that's what I would have needed the most. But if you have family & friends who will come by and hold the baby while you shower or scrub your tub for you or carry a screaming baby around while you put in earplugs and catch a nap... that would make things easier.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
So sorry for your situation, how terribly sad and disappointing.
From my experience, I would say that he did NOT relapse because a baby is coming. He is drinking because he is an alcoholic.
I'm with llillamy on this one: You are going to need a lot of love and support through the birth and new baby stage (mine are teens now, but I will never forget that intense, amazing time). Please surround yourself with loving, present, healthy family and friends for what you need.
Do not rely on his promises to be that help (if he makes promises) - at this stage, he is very, very likely to let you down. Not because you and the baby aren't worth it. But because an active A cannot live up to promises. Period.
Good luck, keep posting, take care of yourself!
Spider
From my experience, I would say that he did NOT relapse because a baby is coming. He is drinking because he is an alcoholic.
I'm with llillamy on this one: You are going to need a lot of love and support through the birth and new baby stage (mine are teens now, but I will never forget that intense, amazing time). Please surround yourself with loving, present, healthy family and friends for what you need.
Do not rely on his promises to be that help (if he makes promises) - at this stage, he is very, very likely to let you down. Not because you and the baby aren't worth it. But because an active A cannot live up to promises. Period.
Good luck, keep posting, take care of yourself!
Spider
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Note to self: PlentyOfFish = cheating addicts.
I am so sorry, hon. What an emotional blow. Put yourself and this new little life growing inside of you first. Do whatever that takes.
Prayers,
~T
I am so sorry, hon. What an emotional blow. Put yourself and this new little life growing inside of you first. Do whatever that takes.
Prayers,
~T
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
What a terrible situation to be in.
I can't really offer any advice apart to say I raised my daughter on my own and I reckon single parenting is heaps easier than having a partner!
I hope u get some great support and love from ur sponsor.
I have my al anon meeting today. It's a great program.
I can't really offer any advice apart to say I raised my daughter on my own and I reckon single parenting is heaps easier than having a partner!
I hope u get some great support and love from ur sponsor.
I have my al anon meeting today. It's a great program.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hey, mama. I did the single mom thing once, I'm doing it again. It's not an ideal situation for certain, but it's not as bad as everyone says it is.
I went through this with my AH when I was pregnant. I discovered my pregnancy and his alcoholism almost at the same time. Let him go do whatever it is he's going to do. It's time to round up YOUR support system. Consider having a doula by your side for delivery, have friends and/or family there for the childbirth and early days of infancy. Don't count on him being there -- in fact, consider not inviting him to be there.
Money is hard -- but then, money was always hard with my STBXAH too.
I poured my grief into loving my kids and learning to love myself again.
PM me if you want to vent or trade some ideas. My counselor at the time gave me some concrete ideas to help me get through the stress.
I went through this with my AH when I was pregnant. I discovered my pregnancy and his alcoholism almost at the same time. Let him go do whatever it is he's going to do. It's time to round up YOUR support system. Consider having a doula by your side for delivery, have friends and/or family there for the childbirth and early days of infancy. Don't count on him being there -- in fact, consider not inviting him to be there.
Money is hard -- but then, money was always hard with my STBXAH too.
I poured my grief into loving my kids and learning to love myself again.
PM me if you want to vent or trade some ideas. My counselor at the time gave me some concrete ideas to help me get through the stress.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Your story breaks my heart. Relapses are devastating. My AH was doing well and relapsed this week. I hate the thought of single parenting but raising kids with active addiction is worse. I'm working on detachment. Best of luck to you. My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
My heart breaks for you. My AXH was having an affair during my pregnancy. He said it was just texting and she was a friend. This friend is now 7 months pregnant with his baby. My divorce finalized a couple of weeks ago. My 10 month old and I are doing well. I don't know what it would be like to be with him and raise this baby but I have to trust that being a single mom is better than living with a cheating alcoholic husband. I hear the excuse that he was stressed and nervous about the baby and that is why the affair and drinking. I believe those are excuses. Trust your instincts. My response to the alcoholic rages and other inappropriate behavior totally changed after my baby was born because I wanted a safe, drama free life for her. That just couldn't happen with an active addict.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
huge hug! I feel your pain and I've not been with the ex cheater for 3 yrs and still I can feel that pain.
I took a lot of cr&p from my ex for years, but the one thing I would not accept ever was cheating. When I caught him cheating, I was gone and never looked back.
You need to find your strength and courage at this very moment (hard when preggies), to not accept this. He will never stop cheating. His cheating is not about you or the stress from the situation, it's just who he is.
Keep sharing, keep talking, get to meetings, cry...do whatever it takes to find your inner strength to not allow ANY man to treat you like this
I took a lot of cr&p from my ex for years, but the one thing I would not accept ever was cheating. When I caught him cheating, I was gone and never looked back.
You need to find your strength and courage at this very moment (hard when preggies), to not accept this. He will never stop cheating. His cheating is not about you or the stress from the situation, it's just who he is.
Keep sharing, keep talking, get to meetings, cry...do whatever it takes to find your inner strength to not allow ANY man to treat you like this
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