agreenerlife

I recently was dumped by my alcoholic ex boyfriend. I was not aware on our first date that he had just returned from rehab in early 2012. We began dating shortly after that. In April and July he relapsed and had to go to ER / Detox etc on 6-7 occasions. I was the one that would take him to go get help even though he has family in the state. He had been out of work that whole time (lied in the first few months to say he had a great job when he was really fired from his last job). In July he was contacted to interview at a great company. He told them that he was hurt himself cycling (really drunk) and could not make the first interview. He begged to stay at my house to help him to become clean for his second interview. I picked him up drunk and he stayed at my house for two weeks. He actually ended up getting the job after the rescheduled interview and staying sober for quite some time. This May he relapsed again and missed several days of work (again said that he hit his head). He told me that he felt it was necessary to break up because it was to stressful for me to help him with his drinking problems. I did not hear from him for a week until he called drunk after he got off of a recent flight. He ended up calling all week, because he could not control his drinking and ended up in the ER. I let him stay at my house when he got back and I got him ready for work and helped him stay sober so that he could do his work. During the stay at my house, he told me that he considers us great friends but that we are not dating anymore because he has to focus on work. He had been sober for ten days at that point and really felt like he had it under control. I feel completely used as I continually helped him stay sober and make it to his job and other important events when he could not do it on his own. I stood by when he was puking in the toilet and stayed with him in the hospital. I was dumped about three months ago and I am still in so much pain. When will this pain end? I feel so used and stupid and angry at myself for sticking around and I am angry at him. I have not heard from him because I told him that we should stop texting. All he wanted text me was how great he was doing at all of his business meetings. Meanwhile I have been very depressed suffering from the loss. Is it normal to get dumped by alcoholics that you given so much to? I have seen a counselor and only feel better when I am in the session and then the pain sets in as soon as I leave. I guess my main question is why would he hurt me like this?

LadyinBC

I'm sorry this happened you. I'm an alcoholic and unfortunately we sometimes use people because in our minds it is all about us. And you better be on the band wagon. It's even better if you clean up after us and look after us. The only person that can keep him sober is him.

This guy actually gave you a gift. This isn't the kind of relationship you want. We are alcoholics for life. I read a lot of the posts here so that I can remember the person I don't want to be while I was drinking. We cause misery and treat our loved ones like crap.

You deserve someone who will cherish you and treat you with respect and dignity. Don't ever settle for anything less than that.

Recovering2

Alcoholics are great maniulators, and will often get those of us who care for them to do all the things that they should be fully capable of doing themselves. Yes, you got caught up in the enabling behaviors that most of us on here get caught up in. Helping them lie, driving them places, letting them stay with us, etc etc etc

You were given a gift...run with it. You didn't waste a lot of years with worry and heart ache. Don't look back!

dandylion

agreenerlife, it is all true--what the other posters just said. So true. He did this because he is an alcoholic. There is always selfishness and self-centerdness with active alcoholism--and it hurts the people closest to them as much as it destroys the alcoholic.

Undoubtedly, you are still grieving--it has only been 3 months. It is very similar to having someone die. Grief is actually necessary--at first--to help us heal and prepare to go forward living our life. If we don't get "stuck" there, it will pass in due time.

Continue doing the things for your best welfare. This grief will fade---meanwhile, come here to learn and to share with us. Post as often as you like or need to. You are not alone.

have you considered alanon? It is there to help with the effects that other's alcoholism has had on us. Why not give it a try--nothing to lose.

dandylion

wolfpackfan45

Hi agreenerlife. He hurt you like this because he's an alcoholic. It's his disease talking. I agree with LadyinBC that he actually gave you a gift. Unless he gets sober and stays sober he won't change how he treats you. My son treated me and his father horribly when he was drinking. We've always been a close family but he began to lie to us and manipulate us in ways i never thought he'd do. He used us and hurt us. He became a person I didn't know. And he didn't care at the time. It's the nature of the disease. I'm so sorry you're hurting, but you're truly better off without him in your life.

Tamerua

I heard somewhere that it takes about six months to grieve a loss, so you are where you should be. Stick with the counselor, focus on you and why you kept cleaning up his mess when the relationship was so new. For others that would be a time to cut all ties. Take care.

Hopeworks

Hi Agreenerlife,

You have gotten some great posts from the earlier posters but I will add a few things since I was the miracle working "savior" for my XA who was a chronic relapser. This is a pattern and lifestyle that he had been living for over 10 years but he seemed so determined to get sober and he had so much POTENTIAL!

I capped potential because some of us (me) get caught up in the potential we see in a man to whom we are strongly (accent strongly) attracted to and we create a fantasy and happily ever after scenario that has us cast as the heroine who sets the stage for the frog becoming the prince who then makes us deliriously happy for the rest of our natural life!

What I have learned after 4 years in the relationship and 2 years out in my own recovery is that relationship dynamics between a rescuer and an active alcoholic is doomed to fail but its not from our lack of effort to try and force it to work.

My point is that I was historically attracted to the broken person in the room and had no spark whatsoever for the emotionally healthy, stable men that had interest in me. I now fully understand my hardwiring from my childhood and have stopped the short circuits in my brain that set me up for chaotic and insane relationships with charismatic, addictive personalities.

Learning to quickly see red flags and act accordingly is now firmly in place in my life and understanding that if I choose to help a broken person I always look at everything as a gift and I don't do anything expecting a return on investment. I used to help, rescue, put out fires, support my XA and in return he was supposed to become prince charming. Everything I did for him was really for me... I wanted to control him, I wanted to be the one who could "change him" and I wanted him to make me happy.

Now... I know that I can make myself happy and am peace with myself and love my new life. I now know that I never had the power to change him and he never really intended to change! Tens of thousands of dollars and four years of my life wasted on a project and goal that was unattainable from day one!

Like your friend he was a chronic relapser and don't worry... he will be back. It's hard to shake an alcoholic! He will bottom again and make appropriate noises (we call them quacks) and you will most likely melt and let him back in the door and nurse his wounds and comfort him and get him back on his feet... it can go on for years and years and years!!!!

Or ... you can get off the elevator NOW (see my signature) and go to some alanon meetings ( go to a bunch), read everything you can on addiction and alcoholism and codependency and operate from a position of knowledge and strength.

Our feelings are so so so strong! Our brains dump chemicals that make us feel and do crazy things in the name of "love" when it isn't love at all. Sadly, its a chemical dump and it is often toxic!

So... run! Run fast. Do not look back. Move. Change your phone numbers! Just kidding. But seriously... please do not be sad. It really sounds like you avoided a bullet with that guy.

And my ex? He has been drinking and binging in Las Vegas for the past 6 months. Chronic relapsers seldom get off the roller coaster.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, a greenerlife.

Lots of great feedback so far. Like the others, I agree that this guy "dumping" you is a good thing even though it doesn't feel like it just yet.

I can attest that at some point, you would have gotten sick and tired of the same old same old with his drinking. He knows this already. Everyone else probably has too.

However, here's the flip side. What is it inside of you that kept you in a faux relationship with an emotionally unavailable man for so long? And I use the word "faux" because emotionally unavailable men aren't capable of having a meaningful relationship with anyone. Not in the state they are living in right now.

I found an awesome blog by an author recently - check it out! It's all about topics like this - she calls it being the "fallback girl". The name of the blog is Baggage Reclaim and the author is Natalie Lue. I've learned a lot about patterns and how to break them, and she is one of the better authors on this subject.

Take this time to decide to make some personal changes, so you can attract healthy men who can give you what you want. It will be worth it.
~T

fourmaggie

gee, i dont know, your a good caretaker...

read Melody Beatties "Codependent No More"
you will find your answers

trixie56

I also got dumped my by XABF. Actually, he didn't even have the courage to dump me. He just stood me up one day and vanished as if I never existed. Despite the pain, I do see now that he did me a favor. Yours did you one, too. I know that sucks to hear right now. Most likely because you maybe still believe in his potential? I know I did. Part of me still does. But then I realized that what matters is how someone is right NOW, not who they *maybe* could be. If I'd been around to wait for my ex's potential, I would've had to put up with more hostility, rudeness, standing me up without caring, etc. I only experienced that for three weeks and I already felt broken on the inside.

I strongly recommend making a 'pro' and 'con' list about your ex and your relationship. It might sound silly, but I did this recently and it really opened my eyes to the reality of who he is. I seriously had maybe 2 pros and way more than 15 cons. When I looked at the 'pros' I actually laughed! I listed such superficial things, like "nice laugh" and "pretty eyes." Cons I listed included: "manipulative," "rude," "stands me up," "doesn't care about my feelings," "makes violent jokes about me, " "gets in bar fights and thinks it's 'normal'", etc. Whenever I find myself missing him, I make another list. This snaps me out of it!

trixie56

Please note, I don't mean to imply your ex has no quality 'pros.' My exA had plenty the first time around when he was sober (but not recovered). This round though, he started drinking again and I quickly saw what his priority was (and it wasn't me). The 'con's were so strong this time around that it was hard to even justify the good things.

Nuudawn

In a word, yes. We can't "love anyone better". As an alcoholic, I'm kinda broken myself but I was drawn to the even more broken. I seem to have a real penchant for boys with bad mommies. Their tales of woe would pull at my heartstrings and I wanted to yup...love 'em all better. Partly because I think nurturing is inherent to women..but partly because focusing on his messed upness took the focus of my own (drinking). Somewhere along the line I realized that wanting to fix other people wasn't arrogant as hell. Who the hell am I to think I can fix anyone else. I can't. That's their job.

As an alcoholic.at core, I have almost every codependent trait out there. In short, I don't like or accept myself all that much. Hell..I don't even know myself that well. My locus of control has been "external" most of my life. I looked to people, places, substances and things to make me feel better about me. Guess what? Didn't work.

I'm going to take a wild guess here and surmise that you don't know, like or accept yourself somewhere deep in there. We need to learn love and care for ourselves and be in charge of our own peace, happiness and mental health.

doggonecarl

He doesn't want you to help him with his drinking problems. He wants to drink.

That's why you are gone.

Count your blessings.