Jackie1

Hi all. Ive been lurking on these boards for awhile and decided its time to introduce myself and receive any advice and support possible. A short back story on my husband and I:
We are both products of alcoholic parents. My mom was functional and was able to raise me. My hubbys father was not so he was passed around family members until he was 17. I met him when I was 14, fell madly inlove and married when I was 18. My knight rode in and got me out of my dysfunctional home. A year later we had our first daughter and another year after that he started drinking. Then came the job losses, wrecked trucks, probation... I was in my early to mid twenties then. I stood by my man and didnt make a sound. Drinking was so normal to me since I was born and raised in it. I didnt know any better.
I am now 34, we just had our 16th anniversary and have 3 kids. 2 teen daughters that have no relationship with their father, who cant have friends come over for fear of being embarrased of their drunk dad. Hes also turned them into little bar maids. They must fetch beers or be yelled and cussed at if they refuse. We also have a 3 yr old son who is now becoming perceptive. He now knows when daddy is daddy and when hes drunk. He doesnt want to play when hes been drinking.
Through these years ive found myself being less supportive to the point I am now. Do I stay or do I go. Ive grown, he hasnt.
When i try to talk to him about how his drinking effects the kids and i, his response is always 'stop bitching'. He gets even uglier if i start crying.
Yesterday I was told by him that he is NOT going to stop drinking, he doesnt see what the big deal is. When hes off work hes going to do what he wants to do, he deserves it. I have absolutely no say because i do not have job. His obsession with needing to be praised because he works and cutting me down because i dont is creating more problems.
I cant help but wonder if him seeing his drinking as no big deal is a result from me staying quiet about it all these years.
I know i should leave. I know i should take my kids out of this. My mind tells me that every day. But my heart will not let me walk out that door. We are all that he has. My biggest fear is him dying. If i leave there will be no one to hide his keys. How can i look my kids in the eyes and tell them their father died because i chose not to stop him. I still love him with every inch of me. Hes all ive ever known. Im still praying for that one word i havent said yet that will make him stop.

Hammer

nothing to say after that.

just some silent hugs for you . . .

(((( jackie ))))

Welcome home.

Wisconsin

My dear, in my opinion it is his disease of alcoholism that makes him see his drinking as no big deal. I have gotten much comfort from the "Three Cs." You did not cause it. You can't control it. And you can't change it. Your husband's disease and drinking are 100% about him, and 0% about you. To that end...there is in my experience not a single thing you can say to him to make him stop. I never changed anyone with my words. People, even sick alcoholics, have to change themselves. Check out the stickied posts at the top of the board. They are very, very helpful.

Most of all, please remember that you are not alone. If you're like me, you have isolated yourself, and you sometimes feel like nobody could ever understand what you go through, or what it's like. We all know, and we are all here for you.

LexieCat

You don't have the POWER to stop him from killing himself by drinking. If you think you can one hundred percent prevent him from getting behind the wheel while he has been drinking, you are sadly underestimating the ingenuity of an alcoholic determined to do what he wants to do. I think it's far more likely that your kids will wonder why you stayed as long as you did, and put all of you through the agony of living with him, than they would blame you for leaving him to the consequences of his own behavior.

And trust me, your not complaining about his drinking hasn't caused him to think it's "no big deal"--you could complain from morning till night and he would still see it as "no big deal".

The past is the past. How do you want your future (and your kids' future) to look? Do you want at least a few quality years with your daughters before they are out on their own? Do you want your son to be as bitter and to feel as hateful toward his dad as they are?

honeypig

Jackie, he is an adult. It is not YOUR job to stop him from making bad decisions. You have kids who ARE kids who need you to take care of them. A grown man should not need someone to stop him from drinking himself blind and getting in a vehicle and driving.

Here's a selection from the stickied threads at the top of the page that you might find helpful http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Here's a link for Alanon http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ I'd strongly recommend a meeting sooner rather than later, and your daughters could likely benefit from Alateen also. Please do look into this--SR is a GREAT place, but there is a need for real, live, face-to-face support at times also. The people at Alanon have been in your shoes and will make you feel right at home.

Glad you found your way to SR. Please keep reading as much here as you can and educate yourself about alcoholism. The more you know, the better you will be able to see your path out of this situation.

Jackie1

Thanks for responding everyone. It was tough reading your responses but i know its all truth, even if im not ready to except it yet. I begged my mom my whole life and didnt get results, i dont know why im expecting it from him now. At this point im so full of fear im affraid to even move. The thought of not having him in my life, weither from him killing his self or me leaving is unbarable. Its going to happen one way or another though, ive finally come to terms with that atleast. Like I said before, ive been with him since i was 14 so i have absolutely no idea how to not be with him.
The girls and i are going to our first alanon meeting tomorrow night. Hopefully this will help us make that first step.

Hammer

Ask the Alanon folks about Alateen for the girls.

My daughter is 11 and thinks it is great.

lizw

Hope u get to the al anon meeting. I spent years trying to control the lives of others and the only place it got me was crazy and desperate. Al anon helped me step out of this pattern and start focusing on what I could do for myself.