The little pleasures of being free from an A thread

Old 08-26-2013, 04:59 AM
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The little pleasures of being free from an A thread

So I mentioned in my thread about leaving XABF that there were a few small pleasures I could now enjoy that mean so much now, but were a nightmare when we were together and a few other people chipped in. I thought it might be fun to have somewhere for people to put down all those little pleasures that leaving brings, to remind us how much better our lives are and to give hope to people still struggling. Obviously there are the big things, like not being scared of what I'm coming home to, but somehow the little things give me the comfort to get from moment to moment when things are hard

So I'll start!

I mentioned getting to take the screen lock off my phone and getting to wear my white jeans that XABF hates but I love.

Other things include getting to cook chilli for dinner (YUM!) and not have to hear how awful and disgusting it was since he hated chilli.

Putting up loads of photos of my family so I can remind myself of the people I love and that love me, without having to hear insults about them.

Watching the entire BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice in my pyjamas on a sunday, just because I can now!

So what are the little pleasures you are grateful for now that you are free of your A?
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Old 08-26-2013, 05:24 AM
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Weeelll, my last SO wasn't an alcoholic, but believe me, I felt more relief when he left than when I left my second actively drinking husband.

Sitting in SILENCE, no TV blaring football or home improvement shows all weekend.

Eating something other than Italian food occasionally (he did all the cooking at home AND decided where we were gonna eat out).

Actually having pleasant holidays without waiting for someone to start criticizing or being negative.

Listening to music *I* like; going to movies *I* like, rather than the ones he deemed "acceptable."

I mentioned my boat shoes before, but dressing the way I like, not the way HE preferred.
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Old 08-26-2013, 05:28 AM
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I want to follow this thread as I continue on my own path.
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Old 08-26-2013, 05:55 AM
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Being able to enjoy peace and quiet when I come home from work.

Getting a £200+ bill at the vets and not flinching because I've been able to put money aside for these things

On a related note, being able to look at my bank balance without fear.

Being able to sleep peacefully at night in my new, non p*** stained bed.

Gradually replacing all my old, worn out clothes and being able to wear them without negative and insulting comments.

Having a few bottles of my favourite cider in the house, not hidden in my car, and knowing they'll be there when I decide to drink them, even if that takes me weeks.
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Old 08-26-2013, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Yurt View Post
I want to follow this thread as I continue on my own path.
yeahhhhh . . . .

this is a very tempting thread.

must. not. open. thread.

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Old 08-26-2013, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Wavy View Post
So I mentioned in my thread about leaving XABF that there were a few small pleasures I could now enjoy that mean so much now, but were a nightmare when we were together and a few other people chipped in. I thought it might be fun to have somewhere for people to put down all those little pleasures that leaving brings, to remind us how much better our lives are and to give hope to people still struggling. Obviously there are the big things, like not being scared of what I'm coming home to, but somehow the little things give me the comfort to get from moment to moment when things are hard

So I'll start!

I mentioned getting to take the screen lock off my phone and getting to wear my white jeans that XABF hates but I love.

Other things include getting to cook chilli for dinner (YUM!) and not have to hear how awful and disgusting it was since he hated chilli.

Putting up loads of photos of my family so I can remind myself of the people I love and that love me, without having to hear insults about them.

Watching the entire BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice in my pyjamas on a sunday, just because I can now!

So what are the little pleasures you are grateful for now that you are free of your A?
I can open my blinds/curtains during the day! My ex HATED sunlight. I didn't even realize how weird this had become until one time a friend came over to pick me up to go shopping. She passed my husband on the way in. I had a triple sliding door in my living room going out to the balcony, and my big heavy drapes were closed. She asked me why I had the drapes closed when it was such a beautiful day. I said, "Give me a break--'Bob' just left--you saw him. I haven't had a chance to open them yet." She looked completely puzzled by my response. I said, "I CAN'T have the blinds open when he is here--don't you know that?" She had no idea.

When we moved to the next place, I came home from work one day to find that he had NAILED boards over one window in our new living room and screwed an old blanket into the woodwork to cover the other one. I just looked at him and said, "How am I supposed to remove that stuff when people come over?" He said, "Why would you want to?"

I love having the sunlight come in my windows now. LOVE it.
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Old 08-26-2013, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I can open my blinds/curtains during the day! My ex HATED sunlight. I didn't even realize how weird this had become until one time a friend came over to pick me up to go shopping. She passed my husband on the way in. I had a triple sliding door in my living room going out to the balcony, and my big heavy drapes were closed. She asked me why I had the drapes closed when it was such a beautiful day. I said, "Give me a break--'Bob' just left--you saw him. I haven't had a chance to open them yet." She looked completely puzzled by my response. I said, "I CAN'T have the blinds open when he is here--don't you know that?" She had no idea.

When we moved to the next place, I came home from work one day to find that he had NAILED boards over one window in our new living room and screwed an old blanket into the woodwork to cover the other one. I just looked at him and said, "How am I supposed to remove that stuff when people come over?" He said, "Why would you want to?"

I love having the sunlight come in my windows now. LOVE it.
Omg... what a vampire!!!
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Old 08-26-2013, 07:18 AM
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Not having to worry that someone is passing out on my couch with a lit cigarette while I am trying to fall asleep!
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Old 08-26-2013, 07:55 AM
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Peace. Just plain old garden variety peace.

Living in a no-criticism zone, 24/7, instead of a berate/attack/criticize/demean/belittle/demoralize ShootingStar1 24/7 zone.

I can watch TV IF I WANT TO and no one yells at me repeated because I didn't fast forward the TV controller quickly enough.

A 3 hour per day Wolf Blitzer-CNN news- free zone. And, along with that, a disaster-free zone from not having to see hours of coverage and violent pictures of wars, natural disasters, you name it.

Never having to watch Law and Order reruns again in my life. When I write this, I still hear that musical riff that they play between scenes in my head like a nightmare. That, and the sounds on Blitzer's show were part of the subliminal sound track of my life, just like the clock chimes on the hour were.

When I think about it, these start to add up to a violence-free house. What a life shift! If he didn't create dissension and chaos on his own, and he was quite successful at that, then he imported into the house with the TV news, violent TV shows, reading aloud newspaper articles, wow, I don't have any of that violence/chaos/drama junkie stuff anymore in my life. Didn't realize how big this is until I wrote this.

Waking up to a clean kitchen, never finding the mayo and sandwich stuff out on the counter in the heat of the day.

Keeping my beautiful gold rimmed wine glasses from my aunt in plain view, and never having to buy cheap crystal highball glasses by the dozen, yes literally by the dozen, because he broke them so often.

Seeing my little dog happy, playful, shaking her toys and teasing me instead of cowering.

Thanks, Wavy. This thread is helping me see how far I have come in 13 months on my own!

Peace. Just peace. All the time. Peace as a state of being, not an aspiration.

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Old 08-26-2013, 07:59 AM
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Not having to clean toothpaste off the sides of the bathroom wastebasket because he would sit on the toilet and brush his teeth at the same time he did No. 2, using the wastebasket to spit the toothpaste into, and then leaving it sitting in front of the toilet, of course.

And I considered myself lucky because my friend's alcoholic husband kept a bucket in the corner of their bedroom for when he got up at night and had to pee.
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Old 08-26-2013, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
Peace. Just plain old garden variety peace.

Living in a no-criticism zone, 24/7, instead of a berate/criticize/demean/belittle/demoralize ShootingStar1 24/7 zone.

I can watch TV IF I WANT TO and no one yells at me repeated because I didn't fast forward the TV controller quickly enough.

A 3 hour per day Wolf Blitzer-CNN new- free zone.

Never having to watch Law and Order reruns again in my life. When I write this, I still hear that musical riff that they play between scenes in my head like a nightmare. That, and the sounds on Blitzer's show were part of the subliminal sound track of my life, just like the clock chimes on the hour were.

Waking up to a clean kitchen, never finding the mayo and sandwich stuff out on the counter in the heat of the day.

Keeping my beautiful gold rimmed wine glasses from my aunt in plain view, and never having to buy cheap crystal highball glasses by the dozen, yes literally by the dozen, because he broke them so often.

Seeing my little dog happy, playful, shaking her toys and teasing me instead of cowering.

Peace. Just peace. All the time. Peace as a state of being, not an aspiration.

ShootingStar1
Ah, yes, PEACE is the No. 1 thing!

No knot my stomach at the sound of his car pulling up. No knot in my stomach at the sound of his voice when he woke up. No knot in my stomach as I went to bed wondering if he was going to come home that night and wake me up and start screaming at me for something.
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Old 08-26-2013, 08:24 AM
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My A and I are technically still together, but he is working hundreds of miles away and we only see him for maybe 1 weekend a month, max. The physical distance has also done wonders for my frame of mind.

I am glad that my daughters now feel that they can freely hang out in the living room without "bothering" their stepdad, or feeling awkward hanging out with someone who clearly has no interest in them at all.

I am glad that I no longer cringe every time he walks by my dog, waiting for him to yell at her, or call her a name, or insult her.

I am glad that I can cook and eat chicken as often as I want. He is allergic to it, so when he is here I NEVER make it because I don't want to "inconvenience" him or have to make a second meal.

I am glad that I can actually sleep in the bed, instead of moving to the floor more often than not to either escape the intense beer smell, or to just get away from my sadness at laying next to someone I used to have such a great relationship with but who has turned into an abusive, nasty, toxic human being.

It is definitely a great feeling, and it all contributes to a greater feeling of regaining control over my own life and happiness.
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Old 08-26-2013, 08:48 AM
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Wow, Wavy, you've got me on a roll! Hope you guys don't mind...

Now I enjoy just everybody I meet. He hated mostly everybody, from politicians to local political party people to the federal government to friends to family. He criticized everybody, sometimes blatantly, sometimes subtly, digs here and there, insults here and there, and he hated what I did most of all. But as I think about it, he often praised me, which suckered me into wanting his approval, then wham, he'd go after me again. His love for me wasn't emotionally stable or secure, even if some of it was genuine, which it was.

Now I am around real people with real genuine emotions and hatred is rarely one of them.

The Southwest Airlines ad pops into my mind: "You are now free to move around the country." I am now free to move around the "emotional country". Writing that paragraph above makes me realize how emotionally constricted I was before. His chaos, drama, abuse, destructive emotional mindset, all those controlled the emotional atmosphere in our lives. When we flew to a foreign country in the Caribbean for vacation once, he caused such a verbal ruckus on the plane that the police were waiting for him when we disembarked, ready to arrest him, and I felt that I had to get him excused by convincing the police that he was out-of-control because of his blood pressure, and a very sick man. I did, and that was true, but it was just one sentence in a life story of living in emotional negative drama.

Even when he was happy, even when his wickedly funny sense of humor was on top, or his intellectual prowess on display, fascinating me about some topic or another, deeper lurked the spectre of his displeasure. I was never relaxed. It was just a matter of when.

I am free from that now. I am a happy person. I live in a normal emotional space. I feel a normal range of emotions. More and more, I am leaving behind the fear of impending doom of one sort or another.

Since I have had to be in frequent contact and see him as we fix up and try to sell our co-owned house, I have fallen back into some of the old patterns, the fear, the anxiety, the emotional spine-straightening, fists balled up attitude "I know what's coming and I won't take it anymore"... The old games of "keep her emotionally off balance", "draw her close with good behavior, then wham, attack and threaten her" are back in action.

My life is free of that, and soon, with no contact again, I won't ever have to be in relationship with someone like that again.

This makes me wonder if eventually, when I am really free from him, if my body symptoms will release. I have lots of health problems, some of them auto-immune diseases - including rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, depression. I have been feeling so much better when I am No Contact with him and those triggers aren't present.

But beneath that is the lifelong pattern of being physically and emotionally poised to defend myself against verbal attack and abuse. It was the story of my childhood, too, living with my father who was a powerful executive and a miserable alcoholic and abuser most of the time, but a loving father and positive role model just enough of the time to keep me emotionally hooked.

Maybe now, after the overt threats are removed, I will eventually be able to calm down internally and not subliminally expect to be attacked. I used to dread phone messages because I expected that someone would criticize me. I am finally starting to realize that this just doesn't happen very often - people mostly like me and are happy with me.

I am starting - just starting - to realize what living in an environment of emotional stability could be. Wow!

Sorry for posting so much - don't mean to hog the thread- but this topic just set me off on a wave of self-realization.

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Old 08-26-2013, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post

Even when he was happy, even when his wickedly funny sense of humor was on top, or his intellectual prowess on display, fascinating me about some topic or another, deeper lurked the spectre of his displeasure. I was never relaxed. It was just a matter of when.


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^^^^^^^^ Egads^^^^^^ Wonder if they're long-lost brothers??

I am still in contact with my A, but that sad and awful phantom who plays peekaboo sometimes just doesn't get to me anymore.
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Old 08-26-2013, 09:25 AM
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Wow GREAT thread, Wavy!

I'm in the in between place right now, but I can tell you some the pleasures I am enjoying now that he is not drinking.....as well as the pleasures I will enjoy if I end up leaving him anyway .

The smell - dear God, the smell of death in the house at all times. My house now smells like dinner being cooked, our bedroom smells like clean linens.

I no longer sit in the drive way for 20 minutes after i get home from work ruminating about what I'm going to walk into the house to.

Pleasures I will revel in if I leave anyway - well, it might be nice to have a semi stocked liquor cabinet one day. You know, I USED to ENJOY mixing a cocktail from time to time!

I would enjoy watching MY tv - anytime, whatever I want to watch rather than listening to the same repetitive video game every evening.

I would love having my parents visit and stay (before without the fear that hell get drunk in front of them) and now, without the fear that he'll be a moody B in front of them.
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Old 08-26-2013, 10:06 AM
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I won't miss cleaning explosive feces off the back of the toilet from vodka butt!
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Old 08-26-2013, 02:15 PM
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I won't miss cleaning explosive feces off the back of the toilet from vodka butt! - AMEN to that. Or having to flush the toilet because he always forgot. That was never pleasant to wake up to in the morning.

A clean and organized house, where the dishes are done, the laundry is put away and the bed is made. In the past 8 weeks just living in my own space without tripping over dirty socks and empty bottles has brought me so much peace and serenity. Speaking of clean laundry...fresh sheets that aren't soiled after one sleep because of the night sweats.

Living in a tobacco and marijuana free home! I HATE the smelll of both.

Enjoying my weekends, getting a good night's sleep without the incessant worry that he is out all night, fooling around, or worse...dead. And waking up early in a stress-free, fight-free environment where I can accomplish so much in a day because my mind is clear.

Meeting new people, re-connecting with old friends, and rediscovering my sunny and bubbly disposition. Goodness...I am SO happy now. GREAT thread!
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Old 08-26-2013, 04:55 PM
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Oh Jeez, so many.

  • Listening to my euro-pop music without someone saying turn it off, it's awful
  • Having a fully stocked bar and not have to worry about it. It will still be there tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.
  • The money I have saved by not supporting two people, even though he had a job paying twice what I did. He hated contributing. I can save now.
  • Less laundry. Man jeans are a pain in the ass.
  • A less stressed household over all...It's very peaceful now.
  • Eating grilled cheese for dinner for a week straight and no one says anything.
  • Not having to buy quick bar food type of food for when he is all of the sudden hungry at 11pm
  • Taking care of me now. Not having to worry about him at all. It really is a relief.
  • Taking pride in my appearance again. I turned in a 70 year old hausfrau because I was so depressed.
  • My back pain is just GONE. When I left, it went away within a week, only came back when he did. When he left, it left. It's mind-boggling.
  • My house is clean!
  • I sleep so well because someone hasn't started drinking at 4am after he fell asleep at 8pm.
  • Decorating without anyone else in mind other than me.
Dying my hair back blonde...first thing I did. He hated it.

My codie self feels guilty for even writing this out. But, I am much happier now. I still have moments, and I still love him. But, I have learned that I can love him and not have him in my life at the same time.
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Old 08-26-2013, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by BoxinRotz View Post
Omg... what a vampire!!!

My husband did this as well. Every blind closed off from the outside. I have this beautiful 113 year old house, and gorgeous windows...but nope, blinds down...people can see in dontcha know!

I was like, I don't care! I want to see the sun dammit!

My blinds are open all the time, even at night. I have three dogs, two huge ones...if someone wants to risk them for a tv and a laptop...they are more than welcome to my stuff. The day he left, I opened all the blinds, cleaned the smoke stains off the windows, washed all the curtains, bought new blinds, hung them myself and now revel in my sunny house.

And I have stood across the street, you cannot see inside during the day at all.

I laugh because he is now in California, and he hated the sun when he lived here. My friends actually nicknamed him Vampire. He now claims he loves the sun...but only with the curtains closed, lol.
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Old 08-26-2013, 05:53 PM
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I love that I am no longer looking out the front window every few minutes to see if he is about to come in the house and start yelling at me!
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