confused111190

Hi there,

I am a 23 year old girl who moved in with her boyfriend about 2 months ago. I am very confused and am not sure whether I am being silly like he says I am. I have always known my bf likes to drink a lot. When we first met he didn't as he was into his basketball but he did an injury and since then, has been a BIG drinker. It started as getting drunk every Friday and Saturday night but then progressed into everyday drinking. I pulled him up on it as he started gaining weight and losing motivation for life and luckily enough, he agreed and stopped drinking during the week. Now it is only a weekend thing but the problem is he drinks a RIDICULOUS amount every Friday and Saturday night. There is always an excuse- long, hard week, birthday, seeing his brother. He holds down a job and is like my dream guy besides this issue. He doesn't get violent when he is drunk but he becomes obnoxious and loud and embarrasses me when we are out. He NEEDS to get drunk every weekend, even if we just go out to dinner with friends!! All our friends asked me how much he had drank before he came to dinner as like a joke but the fact that everyone else notices it too concerns me! I don't sit with him or talk to him when he gets drunk because I can't stand him. He says he can stop anytime he wants and I'm making a big deal out of nothing and he works all week long so he has the right to get as smashed as he wants on the weekends. Saturday night, him and one of his friends drank 3 bottles of rum while I was at work and when I got home all they were doing was watching a movie. Why does he need to drink at casual dinners, when he's home watching movies or just because it's Saturday!? He got wasted at a family members birthday dinner last weekends, it was so embarrassing! I hate that I don't like talking to him when he's drunk and that we can never do anything together on weekends because he is always hungover. Is this a serious issue or am I just completely making this a big deal when it's nothing? After all, he is only 23 years old. It could be a phase but something tells me that that excuse would only work for an 18 year old.... I just don't know what to do. I am getting exhausted with this issue as it has been one for quite some time. Now we are living together and that's hard enough to adjust to as it is... I just don't know if I want this for my life. I want him but not this way, every weekend. What if I break up with him over it and then it was all just a phase and he's my perfect guy abit older... He would make a terrific dad and I love him dearly... Please offer any advice you have... Thanks

Mango blast

((((((hugs)))))))

There really is no way to do this for him. Yes, he has a problem. Yes, it will continue to get worse. If you were to stay with him and have kids, he may be a great dad. I'm married to someone like that, but it wasn't nearly that bad in the beginning. Over the years he'd stop drinking at times, try to cut back at times... but it always progresses and gets worse. Do NOT look at this as "just a phase". There is someone out there much better for you than this. You cannot control this or change it.

If you leaving is one of the wake up calls he needs, let it be, but don't let him sweet talk you into coming back without a long-term recovery program well under way. I'd suggest at least 8-10 months of continuous sobriety with a recovery program before even thinking about it.

funkynassau

You need to think long and hard about your relationship with him, he sure sounds like an alcoholic to me. They are obnoxious, manipulative, whiners, pleaders, sometimes liars, and it's all about them, never anyone else. They will say anything to get you to stay, make you believe it's all your fault that they drink. That is just so not true. This fella of yours has a big problem. If he could quit on his own, then he'd do it, but he cant, doesnt want to, isnt ready yet. Hasnt hit bottom.

I predict this will not work, it'll only get worse, and you run the risk of getting sucked right in by him, losing your self esteem in the process, then you are stuck with him because you dont think you can do any better. Please listen to the people on this forum who have way more experience than I do. They know what they are talking about!

goodstitch

I knew I didn't want "this". Nobody dreams of "this". I just kept hoping I could help him get better, but I couldn't. I had absolutely no say in the matter.
GS

NWGRITS

Yep, let go or be dragged. This is going to get worse. Alcoholism is progressive. So, you can take care of yourself and let go of trying to control or fix him, or be dragged down to hell with him. I dunno about you, but I think I'd choose my life and my sanity over the alcoholic crazy train any day.

ZenMe

I know it's tough because you love him, you are attached and you have strong feelings for him. Try to put that aside for a minute...what does your gut tell you? Listen to it, your spider senses are tingling/talking.

Many times we fall for people's potential and not the person as they are now. Don't forget, dating is for getting to know people and trying them on for size, if it's not a good fit move on, there are other guys out there. The longer you stay in a relationship with an alcoholic the longer it will take to get out and heal.

If you find yourself worrying, feeling sick to your stomach etc...it's a bad relationship. Healthy relationships don't drag you down.

Wavy

Yes healthy relationships don't drag you down. Exactly. I could have written something very similar to your post about a year into my 8 1/2 year relationship with XABF. Things got worse, a lot worse from that point. You'll see a lot around here: alcoholism is a progressive disease. Eventually, no one knows when, he will lose more and more control over his drinking and if he's lucky it will get bad enough for him to realise it's killing him and he'll get help, many alcoholics are not that lucky.

He may be right that he can stop any time he likes. So what does that tell you? He doesn't like. He knows its an issue for you, but he wants to drink and so he drinks, regardless of what you think. There is nothing you can do about that, so what are you going to do for you? You are the only person you can do something about.

Since he doesn't want to stop you have two choices: accept his drinking and stay with it knowing what you are in for, or accept his drinking and leave. You have to decide which is the better option for you. I guess there is third option: remain in denial about his drinking and keep hoping things will change, but I don't advise that option, that way lies abject misery, I speak from experience.

I'm sorry you are in this position, it sucks, it really does. But you can't build a future on mights. He might get sober after you leave and if he does, great! There is nothing stopping you getting back together if that happens, but in the mean time you spare yourself the pain of his drinking. Have you tried an AlAnon meeting? I've found them a great source of support through trying to deal with all this.

Springs

He is already choosing alcohol over enjoying time with you and your family. It's a very bad sign. I'd recommend googling alcoholism and reading the stickies. I wish I had read about the signs of alcoholism a long time ago. Educate yourself about the risks here.

Crazed

You are getting some great advise. Have you tried to tell him how you feel about this issue (the embarrassment, what others have said, etc) during a period of him being sober? It may not have any impact, but at least you have given him the opportunity to hear and understand your feelings.

AlcoholicLove

The line that really caught my attention in your story was:

"He would make a great dad" NO he won't. He won't make a great boyfriend, great husband, and probably not even a good friend.

Please find someone that will be all of these things for you-you're 23-you have your whole life ahead of you-don't waste it being with an alcoholic......

fourmaggie

i want to say RUN! RUN!
alcoholics take HOSTAGES...let go or be DRAGGED is the famous lines
used .....

wow! your awareness is AWESOME(at such a young age, i was 40 with my awarenss)...*claps*
so lets start by saying this...you are not crazy...this disease is very progressive, and yep, you got a good taste of it now...

i went to a 12 step program called AL ANON...it helped ME so much(its now been 4 years here @SR and my home group)....


you do have choices...and they are YOURS...you dont have to rush and do everything all at once, be patient and the answers will come to you...(and preparing is 1)
the A's are good for you rite now

1.AWARENESS
2.ACCEPTANCE (you could add ANGER here too)
3.ACTION

read, read, and read some more, learn and GROW...

Florence

Alcoholics make terrible parents/spouses/friends unless they have been in recovery for a very long while.

Please reconsider your dream man. If your dream man can't get through a movie without a bottle of rum and embarrasses you at family events, try to fathom what he'll be like when things get hard, when a parent dies, when you are pregnant and need him to care for you, when you're recovering from surgery, if one of you loses a job. These are the kinds of life events in which you need a PARTNER, not someone who blows you off, punishes you for needing him, and gets distant when things get hard.

You can fall in love with just about anyone, so it's up to you to choose a dependable, caring, responsible, selfless person to fall in love with. This guy just ain't those things.

pinkdog

Hi confused, you are not being silly. You said he needs to drink. That is the problem with alcohol, once your body drinks regularly, your body does need the alcohol on the same regular basis. If not, you become sick. The cycle has to be interrupted. Suddenly stopping can be very dangerous. A medically supervised program is best. It is a medical issue. Best wishes to you. Stick around this site. You will get lots of advice here. Hugs.