I was hiding from myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 54
I was hiding from myself
"Just wait till I die. Then you'll have to think of yourself. How are you going to like that?"-Richard Brown, The Hours
I like it a lot! My XAB is not literally dead (not yet anyway), but who I thought he was and what I thought we had is. That idea of him that kept me hoping and trying so hard to find a way to help is gone. I am thinking of myself and it is scary, but I see how focusing on him and his well-being was breaking me down.
I was so depressed. I hated everything. I was not myself. I thought my life depended on him. But I was avoiding my own shortcomings and fears! I was using him to distract me from my own problems and I knew if I could fix him everything would be perfect. Because I was "the one." "You're perfect for me." "You're the kind of woman I see in my house, in my bed." "I've loved you since the first..." blah, blah, blah.
But the lies got louder in my head! They drowned out the sweet nothings. The sense that I couldn't trust him never went away because I could finally hear the lies for what they were.
I sincerely hope that he is able to find a better path, but I will no longer be a participant in his drama. My heart does not ache for him. I have no desire to shed one more tear for him. I have the freedom to design a healthier life for myself and I am grateful.
I like it a lot! My XAB is not literally dead (not yet anyway), but who I thought he was and what I thought we had is. That idea of him that kept me hoping and trying so hard to find a way to help is gone. I am thinking of myself and it is scary, but I see how focusing on him and his well-being was breaking me down.
I was so depressed. I hated everything. I was not myself. I thought my life depended on him. But I was avoiding my own shortcomings and fears! I was using him to distract me from my own problems and I knew if I could fix him everything would be perfect. Because I was "the one." "You're perfect for me." "You're the kind of woman I see in my house, in my bed." "I've loved you since the first..." blah, blah, blah.
But the lies got louder in my head! They drowned out the sweet nothings. The sense that I couldn't trust him never went away because I could finally hear the lies for what they were.
I sincerely hope that he is able to find a better path, but I will no longer be a participant in his drama. My heart does not ache for him. I have no desire to shed one more tear for him. I have the freedom to design a healthier life for myself and I am grateful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 54
Thanks hydrogirl and HofefulinLA!
Yes, the fog has been lifted and I want us all to be smiling more. The addiction to the drama and pain takes so much away from us. But in our own time we learn, whether it's three years or thirty! We must make ourselves live our own lives; detach in order to find our true happiness.
I took a very long trip this summer and got lot's of space and time put between my qualifier and myself. I was able to think my thoughts and figure out what I really want. What a blessing!
We have to do that in our daily lives! Time at al-anon is ours. The art classes we take are ours. A coffee date with our closest friends is ours. We must feed our own souls because the addict who is not taking steps to feed his/her own zones in on us, and tries to use our insecurities against us. How mean they can be!
We must fight back by living OUR lives, not trying to fix theirs. And certainly not arguing the same argument over, and over, and over, and over, and OVER AGAIN!
GS
Yes, the fog has been lifted and I want us all to be smiling more. The addiction to the drama and pain takes so much away from us. But in our own time we learn, whether it's three years or thirty! We must make ourselves live our own lives; detach in order to find our true happiness.
I took a very long trip this summer and got lot's of space and time put between my qualifier and myself. I was able to think my thoughts and figure out what I really want. What a blessing!
We have to do that in our daily lives! Time at al-anon is ours. The art classes we take are ours. A coffee date with our closest friends is ours. We must feed our own souls because the addict who is not taking steps to feed his/her own zones in on us, and tries to use our insecurities against us. How mean they can be!
We must fight back by living OUR lives, not trying to fix theirs. And certainly not arguing the same argument over, and over, and over, and over, and OVER AGAIN!
GS
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Goodstitch,
Great to read your empowering post today!
I have not seen my A in over a month now, though we are in touch by phone/text now and then.
It is amazing how MY OWN LIFE has filled up the space where all the worry, anxious dread, fear and shame used to be...
Glad to hear you are feeling good, too.
SQ
Great to read your empowering post today!
I have not seen my A in over a month now, though we are in touch by phone/text now and then.
It is amazing how MY OWN LIFE has filled up the space where all the worry, anxious dread, fear and shame used to be...
Glad to hear you are feeling good, too.
SQ
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Thank you Goodstitch; 6 weeks No Contact and I am starting to get my Photography Mojo back. Yesterday I spent an entire day on a photo shoot, and OMG, I did not think of my ex once. I was so happy yesterday with a lovely group of artists.
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