Lynnett777

My husband starting going to a substance abuse counselor two months ago and has had a few small slip ups with drinking except for tonight. He clearly had more than he has has in the past 2 months and was easily angered and hateful. He instigating a fight and yelling in front out 7mth old. I stayed as calm as possible because you can't argue with a drunk. He accuses me of being a poor communicator, that I am not honest, I'd don't live in reality, and his list goes on and on. He has an aggressive personality and on many occasions he hears what he wants to hear (our marriage counselor and his substance abuse counselor)both called him out when he turned my words around. Anyway, I am trying to be supportive but I tired of walking on eggshells. I don't like our baby around it and I can't leave. I make enough money to keep our homes and bills up. We have no family that lives remotely close and my few friends I have around us don't know we are having these problems. How can I support someone who feels like the are right. Not to mention he only wants to see his substance abuse counselor and will not go to AA. He isn't following a program and has made it clear to me and counselor that he will continue to drink, but he thinks he will keep it in control. So unconventional and it seems like counselor is going along with it, unless this is her technique to getting him sober. Any advice???

Sanity2012

Do you have an Alanon group by you? The advice I give to you is take care of yourself. When I first went through this with XAH and was told the same thing, I thought that is not advice. How do I help XAH? What I have learned after a year, is there is NO helping an alcoholic. There is only helping yourself and your child.

Lynnett777

Ian starting counseling like alanon but it is a one on one thing. When he gets that way I jus want to leave the house with the baby but sometimes she is already in bed and I don't want to leave her if he is drunk. I have tried locking my self in the bedroom but he just gets louder. He is not physically abuseive my he antagonizes me verbally. I have even just laid in the bed and not said a word while he called me names (idiot, are you crazy?) any thing that he thinks will irritate me but I have learned to say little and be agreeable. I just wish this wasn't my life.

thislonelygirl

You can support him by not making excuses. Not enabling. By focusing on you and by standing up for yourself abd being healthy.
Dont let denial and his alcoholism or recovery control your life.

honeypig

Take a look at this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html for some excellent suggestions.

And Alanon a couple times a week is a great idea also.

atalose

He’s showing you and telling you and the counselor that he is not ready to quit drinking………….is that the reality you want to support?

dancingnow

As many will tell you alcoholism is a progressive disease. No one has a technique to get someone sober. Your AH stated that he will continue to drink.

First step for you might be to get out of denial. Your AH will continue drinking and it seems to be from what you said that is a problem and he more easily spews his anger around and blames you for whatever.

Please consider you and your child's safety first and foremost.

How long will you put up with wanting to leave the house and feeling like you can't?

Just my experience, I separated from my RAH in his first year of "recovery" which helped me tremendously.

You are already experiencing his turning your words around. It took me a long time to recognize the blame game A's play and longer still to be able to walk away from that and push the responsibility back in my RAH's lap. He sought recovery on his own and the very beginning he thought he could control his drinking too. He learned on his own with no input from me that doesn't happen and when he decided the consequences were too great he decided to stop his drinking.

I am sorry for your situation and hope you find peace and courage through alanon and through your higher power and from support of other folks here on SR.

Take care and (((HUGS)))

dandylion

Lynette, you are being abused--whether you recognize it as such or not. Alcoholism is no excuse to abuse anyone. Verbal abuse and intimidation IS ABUSE. Alcoholism is progressive and this will get worse--not better. It is verbal abuse today--but it can progress to physical if the blink of an eye.

You and your daughter do not deserve to live this way--and you don't have to live this way. You CAN leave---there are always more options than we are aware of. You probably are not aware of the help that is available to you.

Please go to the articles at the top of this main page and read about abuse. The are permanent postings, called "stickys". Learn all you can. Knowlege is power!
Your local domestic violence center will be more than happy to help guide you. They have all the resources and connections that you would need at their fingertips. Even, emergency housing.

You need to put yourself and child first. He has the ability to get sober if he ever decides that he wants it for himself. The help is always there for him if he wants it!!!!!!

In the meantime--do not feel that you can't leave; do not feel that you are helpless with this; do not feel that it is your job to help him or to change him--you can't.

Do not feel that you are alone--you are not. We will walk with you and support you.

dandylion