Doubts to the validity of my experience and huffing EXAB's shirt.
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Doubts to the validity of my experience and huffing EXAB's shirt.
I have been reading all these posts and so many people are living with or just exited a relationship where they witnessed drunken behavior sometimes daily. Often I have a difficult time with believing or feeling like I was in a similar situation that warrants the level of pain I am feeling. I had a weird trigger today. I was cleaning out my car and found a shirt from my exab. I looked at it and then smelled it deeply and I just became unglued with grief...again.
I am 36 days No Contact and that shirt was like contact; like being held by him when things were good. Damn, why can I not be flooded with bad memories?
Because he drank secretly; I have NEVER seen him drunk, he never had a DUI, or did anything obviously "Drunk like" and because he has been sober for 14 months, sometimes I forget the two years of crazy making stuff and start questioning myself. It seems people are just happy their partners are not drinking, but mine has not for a long time. So much of his behavior was lying and passive aggressive, and just friggin odd, I sometimes can not wrap my mind around the major impact it had on me. Somethings were so weird. Like a chaotic life; huge overreactions to things I considered just normal daily stuff. Collectors because he would throw his bills into a pile rather than just call; attached wages because he would forget to contact the IRS to make arrangements. Of course now I know all the migraines were hangovers, the "sleep apnea" was vodka and sleeping pills, the misdirected anger...not at me but others...his constant complaining about people, his situation. To me, he was sort of ingratiating. He would say yes to everything, but do nothing. So in his view; he treated me well. And now, while smelling his shirt I think...well he DID get sober, he DID go to AA. And I have to remember; 40 days ago, we were reconciling and made love for the first time in a year and we spoke of the future and trying again and he disappeared. Four days later; he just wasn't into me anymore. It was emotionally brutal. I guess that is the chaos I am speaking of. Sometimes I wish I had memories of him getting wasted and doing something others could witness. But there are none. Just all these subtle creepy things that on there own, were no big deal, but when added all together was one big cluster f**k.
Now I need to burn that shirt before I huff it again. Tonight is not a good night.
Carrie
I am 36 days No Contact and that shirt was like contact; like being held by him when things were good. Damn, why can I not be flooded with bad memories?
Because he drank secretly; I have NEVER seen him drunk, he never had a DUI, or did anything obviously "Drunk like" and because he has been sober for 14 months, sometimes I forget the two years of crazy making stuff and start questioning myself. It seems people are just happy their partners are not drinking, but mine has not for a long time. So much of his behavior was lying and passive aggressive, and just friggin odd, I sometimes can not wrap my mind around the major impact it had on me. Somethings were so weird. Like a chaotic life; huge overreactions to things I considered just normal daily stuff. Collectors because he would throw his bills into a pile rather than just call; attached wages because he would forget to contact the IRS to make arrangements. Of course now I know all the migraines were hangovers, the "sleep apnea" was vodka and sleeping pills, the misdirected anger...not at me but others...his constant complaining about people, his situation. To me, he was sort of ingratiating. He would say yes to everything, but do nothing. So in his view; he treated me well. And now, while smelling his shirt I think...well he DID get sober, he DID go to AA. And I have to remember; 40 days ago, we were reconciling and made love for the first time in a year and we spoke of the future and trying again and he disappeared. Four days later; he just wasn't into me anymore. It was emotionally brutal. I guess that is the chaos I am speaking of. Sometimes I wish I had memories of him getting wasted and doing something others could witness. But there are none. Just all these subtle creepy things that on there own, were no big deal, but when added all together was one big cluster f**k.
Now I need to burn that shirt before I huff it again. Tonight is not a good night.
Carrie
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I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Journaling might be helpful, it is a way you can read back over how twisted he had made you feel, and read back about the bad things as a reminder. I'm not suggesting that you review the negative side to torment yourself; just that it can be easy - VERY easy - to forget the bad things when you are feeling that longing for the good.
Big hugs, you are aware, and that is good. You can get through this.
Big hugs, you are aware, and that is good. You can get through this.
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nbay, just try to let this move through you.
You have to feel this stuff, it's okay.
The key is not to act.
Take care of yourself. Comfy pj's, lots of pillows, a little chocolate, read on the forum, hunker down and it will pass.
Dont' make contact, it will probably put you in more pain.
You have to feel this stuff, it's okay.
The key is not to act.
Take care of yourself. Comfy pj's, lots of pillows, a little chocolate, read on the forum, hunker down and it will pass.
Dont' make contact, it will probably put you in more pain.
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Originally Posted by Katiekate 
nbay, just try to let this move through you.
Dont' make contact, it will probably put you in more pain.
Dont' make contact, it will probably put you in more pain.
Thanks so much. I will take your advice.
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Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Journaling might be helpful, it is a way you can read back over how twisted he had made you feel, and read back about the bad things as a reminder.
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I can totally relate right now. I've been no contact with my XABF for two months now, and every day it STILL hurts. I wonder if I'm obsessing, or if the pain I'm feeling is normal...Or if I'm still holding onto some hope that he'll magically realize he was wrong, choose to be sober, and come back to me. I know this is not healthy, but sometimes I go there. Other times I'm glad he's gone, if he was going to continue down the path I witnessed.
It's brutal when they turn on you like that. Mine turned on me in a very similar way. We were getting closer, then after a couple nights of him getting wasted and eventually showing his vulnerable side to me, it was like a switch flipped. Then, he vanished. It makes you feel like you did something wrong, like they hate you when they just change their minds and disappear.
I've struggled wondering how he could change his mind so quickly, if everything he said was a lie, etc. What helps me though, is to remember that if he could do this now so easily, then it probably would've happened at some point in the future anyway. It's more of our exA's inability to handle emotions/commitment, and not anything we did. Sometimes I look back and wonder 'maybe I shouldn't have said ----" because maybe that made him want to leave. (My ex seemed totally incapable of handling my emotions. He got very irritated if I ever communicated that I 'needed' something from him.) But, then I remind myself of how any of my non A ex's would've reacted to the same thing. To them, it wouldn't have been a big deal!
Hang in there! I know it's a struggle, but I have hope it will get better with time.
It's brutal when they turn on you like that. Mine turned on me in a very similar way. We were getting closer, then after a couple nights of him getting wasted and eventually showing his vulnerable side to me, it was like a switch flipped. Then, he vanished. It makes you feel like you did something wrong, like they hate you when they just change their minds and disappear.
I've struggled wondering how he could change his mind so quickly, if everything he said was a lie, etc. What helps me though, is to remember that if he could do this now so easily, then it probably would've happened at some point in the future anyway. It's more of our exA's inability to handle emotions/commitment, and not anything we did. Sometimes I look back and wonder 'maybe I shouldn't have said ----" because maybe that made him want to leave. (My ex seemed totally incapable of handling my emotions. He got very irritated if I ever communicated that I 'needed' something from him.) But, then I remind myself of how any of my non A ex's would've reacted to the same thing. To them, it wouldn't have been a big deal!
Hang in there! I know it's a struggle, but I have hope it will get better with time.
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Hiya Trixie; Ditto to every single word you said. Yes, yes, and yes. I second guess a lot. I think the trick is try to not assume your ex put much thought into his actions or lack of actions. My ex just kind of reacted to life as it happened "to him". I don't know about your ex, but mine almost seemed cognitively impaired even when sober. I am beginning to see that his lies about how he didn't drink, when it was daily was protecting the addiction. I see now from reading the forums that it's like protecting his life. He knew really clearly how I felt about addiction/substance abuse; so he went into hiding early on in our relationship.
Oh, and about not being able to handle your needs? Yes, because my ex was in early AA and because the couple's counselor said I could not expect much from him I didn't ask for much. During the year I asked for three things. Just three. (1) that if he wanted me to stay overnight at his house to clean it before I visited. It was starting to look like a hoarders house and ugggg...even kind of smelled. (2) That we go camping sometime soon (3) That he give me my space for three months. None of these things took place. Not even close.
Yet, I cry when I smelled his shirt today. Warning...don't smell ex's clothing during No Contact!!!!
Carrie
Oh, and about not being able to handle your needs? Yes, because my ex was in early AA and because the couple's counselor said I could not expect much from him I didn't ask for much. During the year I asked for three things. Just three. (1) that if he wanted me to stay overnight at his house to clean it before I visited. It was starting to look like a hoarders house and ugggg...even kind of smelled. (2) That we go camping sometime soon (3) That he give me my space for three months. None of these things took place. Not even close.
Yet, I cry when I smelled his shirt today. Warning...don't smell ex's clothing during No Contact!!!!
Carrie
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Originally Posted by trixie56
I can totally relate right now. I've been no contact with my XABF for two months now, and every day it STILL hurts. I wonder if I'm obsessing, or if the pain I'm feeling is normal...
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Originally Posted by nbay2013
Oh, and about not being able to handle your needs? Yes, because my ex was in early AA and because the couple's counselor said I could not expect much from him I didn't ask for much. During the year I asked for three things. Just three. (1) that if he wanted me to stay overnight at his house to clean it before I visited. It was starting to look like a hoarders house and ugggg...even kind of smelled. (2) That we go camping sometime soon (3) That he give me my space for three months. None of these things took place. Not even close.
Wow, and really, those are totally doable needs! You did nothing wrong, and did not ask for too much. I also didn't ask for much. One of the last times I saw my ex I (very nicely) said: "It'd be nice if you asked me out more, like on a date. I kinda feel like I hound you about your schedule sometimes to make plans. It's nice to feel pursued." And he flipped out! He got SO irritated with me and basically threw his hands up and walked out of the room. Later, he texted me that I "take life too seriously" and "planning is for vacations, not everyday living." Why? So, he doesn't have to live up to any sort of expectation/be accountable for give-and-take in a relationship? I also saw glimpses of this when he was sober and were dating months earlier. Actively drinking seemed to amplify it.
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Originally Posted by trixie56
Why? So, he doesn't have to live up to any sort of expectation/be accountable for give-and-take in a relationship? I also saw glimpses of this when he was sober and were dating months earlier. Actively drinking seemed to amplify it.
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NBay..............journaling is a great way to release those feelings inside! I have also been thru similar "losing it" episodes, but when I go back and read my daily struggles with my XABF,I realize how bad it was reality sets in and it makes it easier to deal with. Hang in there
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nbay:
Same here--never saw him drunk & it is withdrawal yourself you are going through. You will make it & take all the suggestions given here. Give in to the feelings--don't try to stuff them down for they will only come out later. Cry, journal, beat up pillows. You will get through it--it does take time. One year from my divorce and things still trigger me. Yesterday I came home to some advertisement in my mailbox from Royal Carribbean Cruises--we took a cruise on our honeymoon. I sat at the mailbox & cried. But I reminded myself--after that he never took me anywhere & used his vacation to gamble, drink and pick up other women so I got mad instead. Depression is Anger Without a Voice--try to bring out your anger when your sadness goes on for too long!
Same here--never saw him drunk & it is withdrawal yourself you are going through. You will make it & take all the suggestions given here. Give in to the feelings--don't try to stuff them down for they will only come out later. Cry, journal, beat up pillows. You will get through it--it does take time. One year from my divorce and things still trigger me. Yesterday I came home to some advertisement in my mailbox from Royal Carribbean Cruises--we took a cruise on our honeymoon. I sat at the mailbox & cried. But I reminded myself--after that he never took me anywhere & used his vacation to gamble, drink and pick up other women so I got mad instead. Depression is Anger Without a Voice--try to bring out your anger when your sadness goes on for too long!
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Originally Posted by nbay2013
Hiya Trixie; Ditto to every single word you said. Yes, yes, and yes. I second guess a lot. I think the trick is try to not assume your ex put much thought into his actions or lack of actions. My ex just kind of reacted to life as it happened "to him". I don't know about your ex, but mine almost seemed cognitively impaired even when sober. I am beginning to see that his lies about how he didn't drink, when it was daily was protecting the addiction. I see now from reading the forums that it's like protecting his life. He knew really clearly how I felt about addiction/substance abuse; so he went into hiding early on in our relationship.
Oh, and about not being able to handle your needs? Yes, because my ex was in early AA and because the couple's counselor said I could not expect much from him I didn't ask for much. During the year I asked for three things. Just three. (1) that if he wanted me to stay overnight at his house to clean it before I visited. It was starting to look like a hoarders house and ugggg...even kind of smelled. (2) That we go camping sometime soon (3) That he give me my space for three months. None of these things took place. Not even close.
Yet, I cry when I smelled his shirt today. Warning...don't smell ex's clothing during No Contact!!!!
Carrie
Oh, and about not being able to handle your needs? Yes, because my ex was in early AA and because the couple's counselor said I could not expect much from him I didn't ask for much. During the year I asked for three things. Just three. (1) that if he wanted me to stay overnight at his house to clean it before I visited. It was starting to look like a hoarders house and ugggg...even kind of smelled. (2) That we go camping sometime soon (3) That he give me my space for three months. None of these things took place. Not even close.
Yet, I cry when I smelled his shirt today. Warning...don't smell ex's clothing during No Contact!!!!
Carrie
Throw the t-shirt out. Tonight.
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