Is there any helping my alcoholic Mother?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1
Is there any helping my alcoholic Mother?
Hi,
I've come upstairs to my room after another argument during another painfully awkward half cooked drunken dinner made by my 57 year old alcoholic Mother. Who is on what seems to be an unstoppable path to self destruction.
I am writing to find advice on what I can do to help my mum and to help my dad?
I am 24 years old, living at home with my Mum and Dad, I also have an older brother and sister who live out of the house and are quite detached from the worsening situation at home. I am close to my brother, sister and dad and we regularly talk about the situation with mum, but these conversations tend to go round in circles of good intentions and nothing good ever seems to come from them other than our relief of talking to one another, we can't ever seem to find anyway to help mum.
Ever since I can remember I have had a brilliantly caring, gorgeous mum. She was amazing when we were growing up, she would have done anything for us, and she did everything from school runs, dropping up forgotten lunch boxes, fixing our clothes even I can remember being about 7 years old she stayed up all night long on the couch with me while i was sick with a tummy bug and couldnt sleep, she stayed up distracting me with movies and hot water bottles and wouldn't go to sleep until I did!! But even though she has been this hugely caring mother even since I was about 13 years old I started to notice that she would act 'weird' sometimes after dinner and didn't realise what it was. One evening I called her from my friends house asking to collect me and another friend, I knew she was being 'weird' on the phone and she said she couldn't come and pick us up because she had wet hair and just got out of the shower. I didn't understand and insisted on her picking us up, so she did. And that's when I realised when we got home that she had been drinking, that's why she was acting so strange, why she didn't want to drive.
From that time about 11 years ago, her drinking has progressively become more frequent, isolating her from friends and family. We've stopped going out for meals to celebrate birthdays together. 1 month before my graduation from university I spoke to mum when she was sober and asked her to prove to me for the month before that she could be sober and that she did want to come. We talked about rehab and getting help but she dismissed this like she does every time we suggest it, she becomes extremely stubborn and defensive and will stop listening in conversations about it and turn on us and says we're the problem, that we're being dramatic. So on the day of my graduation I had requested two tickets for mum and dad. Even though mum hadn't stayed sober for more than 3 days during the lead up to my graduation, I still believed she could do it. At 11am that morning, she was already completely drunk, she could barely walk to the closet to get her coat. So I had to tell her to stay at home.
At this stage I don't know what is left to compromise with her? I know she wanted to be at my graduation with all of her heart, she was clearly devastated after it for the next few days. But she won't ever stop, she only seems to be getting more reliant of alcohol and more detached.
How can I help my mother, or is there any stopping her? How can I get my old mum back?
And how to help my dad? I will be moving away soon for work, leaving this horrible situation for my dad to deal with, alone. He wants to move out but for financial reasons and fears of what mum might do doesn't know what to do.
Katherine
I've come upstairs to my room after another argument during another painfully awkward half cooked drunken dinner made by my 57 year old alcoholic Mother. Who is on what seems to be an unstoppable path to self destruction.
I am writing to find advice on what I can do to help my mum and to help my dad?
I am 24 years old, living at home with my Mum and Dad, I also have an older brother and sister who live out of the house and are quite detached from the worsening situation at home. I am close to my brother, sister and dad and we regularly talk about the situation with mum, but these conversations tend to go round in circles of good intentions and nothing good ever seems to come from them other than our relief of talking to one another, we can't ever seem to find anyway to help mum.
Ever since I can remember I have had a brilliantly caring, gorgeous mum. She was amazing when we were growing up, she would have done anything for us, and she did everything from school runs, dropping up forgotten lunch boxes, fixing our clothes even I can remember being about 7 years old she stayed up all night long on the couch with me while i was sick with a tummy bug and couldnt sleep, she stayed up distracting me with movies and hot water bottles and wouldn't go to sleep until I did!! But even though she has been this hugely caring mother even since I was about 13 years old I started to notice that she would act 'weird' sometimes after dinner and didn't realise what it was. One evening I called her from my friends house asking to collect me and another friend, I knew she was being 'weird' on the phone and she said she couldn't come and pick us up because she had wet hair and just got out of the shower. I didn't understand and insisted on her picking us up, so she did. And that's when I realised when we got home that she had been drinking, that's why she was acting so strange, why she didn't want to drive.
From that time about 11 years ago, her drinking has progressively become more frequent, isolating her from friends and family. We've stopped going out for meals to celebrate birthdays together. 1 month before my graduation from university I spoke to mum when she was sober and asked her to prove to me for the month before that she could be sober and that she did want to come. We talked about rehab and getting help but she dismissed this like she does every time we suggest it, she becomes extremely stubborn and defensive and will stop listening in conversations about it and turn on us and says we're the problem, that we're being dramatic. So on the day of my graduation I had requested two tickets for mum and dad. Even though mum hadn't stayed sober for more than 3 days during the lead up to my graduation, I still believed she could do it. At 11am that morning, she was already completely drunk, she could barely walk to the closet to get her coat. So I had to tell her to stay at home.
At this stage I don't know what is left to compromise with her? I know she wanted to be at my graduation with all of her heart, she was clearly devastated after it for the next few days. But she won't ever stop, she only seems to be getting more reliant of alcohol and more detached.
How can I help my mother, or is there any stopping her? How can I get my old mum back?
And how to help my dad? I will be moving away soon for work, leaving this horrible situation for my dad to deal with, alone. He wants to move out but for financial reasons and fears of what mum might do doesn't know what to do.
Katherine
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome kkatherine.
Sadly, there really isn't much you can do to stop someone else from drinking alcoholically. She is in the throes of an addiction. But you and your Dad can find help for yourselves at Al-Anon. Now, this organization won't teach you how to force your Mom into quitting, but it can teach you how to emotionally detach from the disease to protect yourself and live a great life regardless.
I am very sorry your Mom has let you down repeatedly. My Mom is mentally ill, and I haven't had the "old Mom" that I used to know and love around for a very long time. I understand how it feels. I try to cherish the times when she is stable and rational, and detach from her when she is not. That's about the best I can do.
Read as much as you can about alcoholism. Under the Influence is a good book to start with. It may help this make more sense to you.
Keep coming back,
~T
How can I help my mother, or is there any stopping her? How can I get my old mum back? And how to help my dad?
I am very sorry your Mom has let you down repeatedly. My Mom is mentally ill, and I haven't had the "old Mom" that I used to know and love around for a very long time. I understand how it feels. I try to cherish the times when she is stable and rational, and detach from her when she is not. That's about the best I can do.
Read as much as you can about alcoholism. Under the Influence is a good book to start with. It may help this make more sense to you.
Keep coming back,
~T
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I wish I could say, "Yes, here is how you sober her up and fix your family!" But if I could, I probably wouldn't even be here in the first place. As Tuffgirl already mentioned, you can't make her stop. You can beg, plead, bargain, issue ultimatums, and scream until you're blue in the face. If she doesn't want to stop, she won't stop. Your father is a grown man and is capable if handling his own life. His codependency is not your business. Your codependecy is all that you need to be worrying about fixing. Get yourself to Al-Anon, read up on alcoholism and codependency, and keep posting and reading here. You will get through this!
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