Javajoetoes

My husband rang me up earlier. I went into my new mode of not being a doormat and as I was eating my dinner I asked him to call me back. He was reluctant and sounded really down saying he needed my advice so I heard him out. His dads wife has contacted him via text saying that his dad is really sorry about his behaviour the other night (he screamed at him and went for him and basically threw him out of the house). His dad is what I believe you guys call an a$$hat. He's an alcoholic and selfish, selfish, selfish!!! Has done all manner of crappy things around and to his kids all their lives. He came round the night before I left and got REALLY drunk with my husband despite the fact that I'd told him that I was concerned that my husband is an alcoholic and that the situation was so serious that I was considering leaving him.
I feel sorry that my husband got such a selfish pig for a father and undoubtedly his crappy parenting has had an impact on my AH.
My AH asked what he should say in return because he is so angry with his dad that he just wants to tell him to f...off (I don't blame him). I gave a few vague suggestions about wanting to focus on what he needs to do (ie sort his own drinking and behaviour out) and that he needs space for now. He was so down and then he started crying. I asked him if he wanted to speak to our son, he said no cos he was too upset.
I feel bad for him on his own in a caravan. His mum was supposed to visit him today but didn't and he hasn't been able to get in touch with her, I feel like ringing him up to check how he is but feel like if I do it'll give the wrong impression...am I being heartless?
He didn't hang around just said goodbye and hung up.
Going to Ireland tomorrow and when I get back he'll be back in our area.
For some reason I've been cleaning and gardening like a dervish today...maybe a pregnancy thing, I even cleaned the oven!!

firebolt

Try not to feel too bad for him - you aren't heartless, and it probably would give him the wrong impression if you called him. He is put himself where he is - it is up to him to get to a better place. NO amount of concern from you will do that for him.

Right now, it seems MOST important for you to take care of yourself! You are pregnant! I could guess that you have taken care of him for a long time. Time for you to be taken care of! Get into a good book, see some friends, keep tending that garden, take a bath, grab a movie - try to think of what you would be doing if he were completely out of the picture - ANYTHING that makes you happy! Take care!

Javajoetoes

Thanks firebolt...I did ring but he didn't want to talk to me. Then textd that he isn't feeling ok. I was busy cleaning up toddler vomit at the time so didn't answer straight away. Told him that I didn't expect him to be feeling ok, hes got a lot of stuff to deal with and that he always had but he covered it up with alcohol. I told him that he can do it if he wants to. Then I had a long conversation with my mother and a text conversation with a really good friend. Now I am going to bed....exhausted!!!
Tomorrow I fly to Ireland to see my family. Gona be a long day but it'll be so good to see them all xxx

Florence

I used to want to help my AH with his relationships -- friends, family, professional, you name it. When I did, it never turned out well.

Then a couple of things happened. It occurred to me that he might not be telling me the whole story, or he was telling it so slanted that it didn't resemble objective reality -- like, reality had been dunked in a few liters of vodka and sat out to dry in the rain under its own personal rain cloud kind of reality. The other thing was that I stopped interfering in his affairs. It had been pounded into my head here that he was a grown man responsible for the quality of his relationships, and I was neither trained nor prepared to be his counselor or life coach. Additionally, so much of my time was tangled up in "helping" him manage his issues that my own goals and dreams and responsibilities were falling apart.

He told me what he wanted me to know. He told his job what he wanted his employers to know. He told his parents what he wanted him to know. The primary reason I stopped "helping" him with his relationships is that I finally realized his drama, fights, story-telling, and sob stories were tools in his manipulation tool box to keep me on the hook and feeling responsible for helping him and guilty when I didn't. I learned, I guess, to mind my own business.

His decisions got him here. You can say no and forgive yourself for/absolve yourself from feeling guilty. This just doesn't fall under your umbrella of responsibility. And it's bad for him if you continue to provide him soft places to fall.

dandylion

JavajoeToes, just a reminder to you that he needs to feel the consequences of his actions.
He proceeded to get drunk with his father--right??

It is actually enabling if you jump in and soften the blows for him. Remember that you are not his mother (even though he acts like a child).

He is likely to use every technique in the world--designed for you to soften and feel sorry for him. This is a manipulation that most alcoholics are very skilled at. Part of recovery is for the alcoholic to learn to live life on life's terms--and face their own responsibilities with scrupulous honesty.

You have enough on your plate without taking care of another "child". Do not buy what he is selling.

Congratulations on your resolve at standing up for yourself. It takes practice;practice;practice. You will get better at it as time goes on!

dandylion

Javajoetoes

Thanks everyone,
you are right. When I was doing my social work training one of my supervisors was really into the Karpman drama triangle and told me that the way you know that you're taking on the roles is by that feeling in your stomach. I am finding that feeling very reliable right now.
I'm so grateful for your support...thank you xxx

thislonelygirl

Familiar with this with ah. His dads an a$$ too but thats w.e
Weve talked about his relationship with his father and there are only 2 logical moves.
1. Make ammends with father and therapy and move on or 2. Detach completely from his father by removing him from his life.

I go with this saying....if nothing changes nothing changes and the dynamics to do with his father arent changing and he cant force his dad to be a good dad.
So it leaves option 1 or 2 logically in order to heal
And then theres option 3 which is for you....
Your husband has the above options and he chooses to dwell in the past and continue the negative dynamics of his life but you can decide to not give into the fact that he continues to let his past and his fathers influence on his feelings dictate his life.
There is always a choice but if we continue living the way we do with no change...then we make the decision to complain about misery we create.
To move forward you have to change and you have to deal with the problem...
Ask yourself what you or he can do to alleviate this situation?
Is it working the way it is?

If theres no progress and no change...then theres no point.
He has to decide to to kove on or stay a prisoner of his father and his addiction.
You can chose to not play on the merry go round hecause thats what your on in this situation.

Javajoetoes

Lonely, Dandy and Flo all so true and good advice. I've just had him on the phone calling me a liar because I never told him that I was going to AL anon. He said (laughably) that he has always been honest with me and he CANNOT believe that I'm such a liar. I told him that I consider a small lie to protect myself pretty innocent compare to drunkenness, verbal abuse and selfishness in the extreme. He said that he was not sure that he could be with me now that he knows what a liar I am...I said ok, I don't need you. Then he quickly backtracked. I knew that he would get like this again but its such a pain in the a$$. I'm dreading having him back in the area. So, I will never again feel sorry for him......lesson learned!!!! Its like a lesson a day/hour/minute at the moment xxx

dandylion

Java, when he says things that are beyond the pale ridiculous and false--around here, we call that "quacking" (as with a duck quacking). When He is saying such things--try picturing him waddling and quacking like a duck. Also picture him with a large sign on his forehead for "sick". At those times do not engage with him verbally and ignore him as much as you can. This is a way of detaching from him at those times. What this does is protect you from the stress of these stupid arguments and accusations. Don't take his bait, in other words.

Give that a try. It worked pretty well for me once I got the hang of it.

dandylion

Javajoetoes

Thanks Dandy,
I've had a sh*t day. I feel so anxious now. I've cleaned every surface in the house with wet wipes (!!), vacuumed, tidied up and packed for my trip. At last its almost time to go. Just gotta sort my little cheeky monkey out, then we're away.
I'm still gona check in while I'm away cos I need you guys at the moment (uh oh...is it possible to be too dependent on SR?).
XXX
Thanks again all xxx

dandylion

Javajoetoes---actually you are probably helping others who read the forum by being witness to your journey. We all give and receive from each other--sometimes, without even knowing it.

Please keep us informed and post as often as you need!

dandylion

overit263

well said!!!