Bear with me here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Bear with me here
I was almost asleep when this image came into my head that so clearly showed how screwed up my thinking still is.
Friends. Family. Coworkers (mine and his). Doctors. Therapists. Police officers. Judges. My new man. His family. My children who lived through it with me.
All of them. Every single one. Agree that it was a good thing that I left AXH. That his behaviors were unhealthy, drunk or not. That his treatment of me and the children was unacceptable.
And yet it's not enough.
The image I got in my head was that of all of these people surrounding me, and then AXH appearing in a crown and royal robe - you know those red velvet ones with white fur with black spots lining it - in front of me, taller than everyone else... and everyone around me dissolving gradually into air. And I had no support. And that's when AXH judged me.
His judgment makes me come undone. Despite the fact that I KNOW it was the right thing to do and I don't for a second regret it - I feel JUDGED.
His judgment doesn't matter. It's the judgment of an addled, pickled brain. All those people around me can see that. I can see that.
But on some deep emotional level, I still place him on a throne and give him a power and authority he never should have had.
I don't know if that image makes sense to anyone else but it was very powerful to me.
Friends. Family. Coworkers (mine and his). Doctors. Therapists. Police officers. Judges. My new man. His family. My children who lived through it with me.
All of them. Every single one. Agree that it was a good thing that I left AXH. That his behaviors were unhealthy, drunk or not. That his treatment of me and the children was unacceptable.
And yet it's not enough.
The image I got in my head was that of all of these people surrounding me, and then AXH appearing in a crown and royal robe - you know those red velvet ones with white fur with black spots lining it - in front of me, taller than everyone else... and everyone around me dissolving gradually into air. And I had no support. And that's when AXH judged me.
His judgment makes me come undone. Despite the fact that I KNOW it was the right thing to do and I don't for a second regret it - I feel JUDGED.
His judgment doesn't matter. It's the judgment of an addled, pickled brain. All those people around me can see that. I can see that.
But on some deep emotional level, I still place him on a throne and give him a power and authority he never should have had.
I don't know if that image makes sense to anyone else but it was very powerful to me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lillamy, those were unorganized electrical firing of neurons in the brain. They are not to be taken LITERALLY. You did not do this in an awake state.
My position is: Don't let this assume more importance than it is. You should hear about some of the crap that my addled brain has come up with--from the ridiculous to the sublime. The other night I dreamed that Dr. Phil was running a large school of some sort and that one of the classes was going to have some sort of scary criminal come as a guest speaker. We were all running around wild in anticipation. WTF?
dandylion
My position is: Don't let this assume more importance than it is. You should hear about some of the crap that my addled brain has come up with--from the ridiculous to the sublime. The other night I dreamed that Dr. Phil was running a large school of some sort and that one of the classes was going to have some sort of scary criminal come as a guest speaker. We were all running around wild in anticipation. WTF?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
lillamy, I feel like this alot. I have so many supportive people in my life, and I shouldn't feel like this, but I do. Maybe it's because I didn't give myself closure yet, or validation yet. I thought that I did. My daughter came over yesterday, stayed overnight. My son is getting married next June. She wanted me to look at gowns to wear for this, and in a way, I think I know what I want, but she wants me to look really sexy. It was bothering me when she was here, then I tried to think of why it was bothering me.
I kind of felt like if people or him were going to compare his "old" and "new".
I just wanted to pick out a d@mn dress. Don't want to think about anything else. Don't want to be judged anymore, but will I be? I just don't care anymore. I can't. It made me sick for too long.
You're OK lillamy. You are terrific, you are doing so good now. If you ever hear that awful voice penetrating your brain, you just come right here. We love you.
I kind of felt like if people or him were going to compare his "old" and "new".
I just wanted to pick out a d@mn dress. Don't want to think about anything else. Don't want to be judged anymore, but will I be? I just don't care anymore. I can't. It made me sick for too long.
You're OK lillamy. You are terrific, you are doing so good now. If you ever hear that awful voice penetrating your brain, you just come right here. We love you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
Lillamy, you are ok. Really. You are, and more than that, you are SMART. W can't help the thoughts and emotions we have, nor the images that pop into our heads, but we do have control over what we do with them. You recognized this image as unhealthy and unproductive, and then rejected it. Since it still had power over you, you brought it to people who could help you get rid of it. It's huge. He's huge. That's ok, and you don't have to fight it and him all by yourself. If you feel small, bring it to us. Bring it to the people in your life whom you've identified as supportive. Even if you feel as if you stand alone, we are always here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I see the picture as showing me how insanely wrong it is to elevate him to that position. I think that's what the dream/image showed me.
He's not a king. He's a sad little man who has been thrown many life preservers and yet chosen to take no responsibility for anything that's happened to him.
In my awake state, as you say, dandylion, I know that. Not feeling threatened by the dream as much as that it's helping me process, somehow...
He's not a king. He's a sad little man who has been thrown many life preservers and yet chosen to take no responsibility for anything that's happened to him.
In my awake state, as you say, dandylion, I know that. Not feeling threatened by the dream as much as that it's helping me process, somehow...
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I relate to the dream and tend to think sick people or sick behaviour is some sort of bench mark for me to live up too which is really stupid as I actually have to lower my own standards and behaviour to reach it, so I am 'living down to it' really.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lillamy---now that you have explained it in your 2nd. post---that puts a whole (better) new light on the matter--in my opinion. If you are processing it and it is helping you--that is way cool!!!
carry on.
dandylion
carry on.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
With my therapist I am starting to get to the "root" thoughts of some of my thoughts, feelings etc. A lot of the hard ones I have done over the years that have any basis in fact
Frankly some of them recently are just dumb.....they make no sense what so ever.
They have however lead to a change reaction of significant proportion, and destruction in my life.
We are following the chain back to what my thoughts/belief etc is that started them and I just have to hit my head and think "Gosh, I think I needed a V-8 that day).
I am glad you are having this in the sense of you are seeing where it all comes form...I suspect the change might be easier when you are able to see what got you there.
Frankly some of them recently are just dumb.....they make no sense what so ever.
They have however lead to a change reaction of significant proportion, and destruction in my life.
We are following the chain back to what my thoughts/belief etc is that started them and I just have to hit my head and think "Gosh, I think I needed a V-8 that day).
I am glad you are having this in the sense of you are seeing where it all comes form...I suspect the change might be easier when you are able to see what got you there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
My reaction is that you are finally ready to really acknowledge the position that you let him have in your life. As you examine and reject the king in the dream, I'd imagine that you will feel freer and freer.
I think this is your psyche finally giving you access to a deep rooted belief that used to control your life a way that crystallizes what you used to feel and let go of it at a very deep level.
ShootingStar1
I think this is your psyche finally giving you access to a deep rooted belief that used to control your life a way that crystallizes what you used to feel and let go of it at a very deep level.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: On my life path
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity 
Have you looked up what a king could symbolize in dream interpretations? Maybe there is even a deeper level to the dream?
- from Dream Dictionary
Our dreams reveal much to us.
He may be the king in your dream and in your waking life his addiction may have had control and power and you are by coming to SR getting the support you need to dethrone the king and take back control and power to live happier and healthier.
It's just an amateur possible interpretation of what's rolling around in your subconscious.
Take care of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It rings true to me that I would be accessing deeper thoughts/beliefs/emotions right now.
And I spit coffee over the table at the "should have had a V8" comment, LR!!! Yup, I get that! Or, as they say "I wouldn't say I was STUPID; I just had some really bad luck when I was thinking that day..."
Onions. That's what this stuff is. Layer upon layer. Healthier with each layer but I still get disappointed that there are MORE LAYERS!!!
And I spit coffee over the table at the "should have had a V8" comment, LR!!! Yup, I get that! Or, as they say "I wouldn't say I was STUPID; I just had some really bad luck when I was thinking that day..."
Onions. That's what this stuff is. Layer upon layer. Healthier with each layer but I still get disappointed that there are MORE LAYERS!!!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Fantastic post. Just what I needed. Thank you.
yes, all of this. I am still living with AH, working to get out. Got a therapist finally and am trying to climb to the top of the BS and stay up there with a great view. But I keep handing that power back to him. The last one was after he went on a "we are so screwed" rant regarding money. it's insidious how I take his issues and morph them into my own, taking ownership where I don't need to.
God Bless You Darlin
yes, all of this. I am still living with AH, working to get out. Got a therapist finally and am trying to climb to the top of the BS and stay up there with a great view. But I keep handing that power back to him. The last one was after he went on a "we are so screwed" rant regarding money. it's insidious how I take his issues and morph them into my own, taking ownership where I don't need to.
God Bless You Darlin
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by lillamy
Onions. That's what this stuff is. Layer upon layer. Healthier with each layer but I still get disappointed that there are MORE LAYERS!!!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
More on King Baby, AA pamphlet -- Pass It On
================================
In this pamphlet, we learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our Childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. the compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse....
King babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these Characteristics.
Often become angry or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process able to make good first impression but unable to follow through
have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied are usually lonely even when surrounded by people are chronic complainers who blame others for what is wrong in their lives feel unappreciated and think they don't fit see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who aren't there for them see everything as a catastrophe, a life or death satiation judge life in absolutes: black and white, right and wrong live in the past, fearful of the future have strong feeling of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment fear failure and rejections and don't try new things that they might not do well are obsessed with money and material things dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings If this was a test to see if I am an alcoholic I would pass with flying colors. It goes on to say how we change these patterns into something good. Gives us a feeling of self worth. Turn these traits over to our HP and let him. For me knowing what drives my ego help me better keep it in check.
The inner Struggle
Understanding King baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: First, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and , second, the king Baby who is never satisfied.
================================
In this pamphlet, we learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our Childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. the compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse....
King babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these Characteristics.
Often become angry or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process able to make good first impression but unable to follow through
have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied are usually lonely even when surrounded by people are chronic complainers who blame others for what is wrong in their lives feel unappreciated and think they don't fit see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who aren't there for them see everything as a catastrophe, a life or death satiation judge life in absolutes: black and white, right and wrong live in the past, fearful of the future have strong feeling of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment fear failure and rejections and don't try new things that they might not do well are obsessed with money and material things dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings If this was a test to see if I am an alcoholic I would pass with flying colors. It goes on to say how we change these patterns into something good. Gives us a feeling of self worth. Turn these traits over to our HP and let him. For me knowing what drives my ego help me better keep it in check.
The inner Struggle
Understanding King baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: First, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and , second, the king Baby who is never satisfied.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
