Carlotta

I am afraid I went into full codie/rescuer mode this afternoon.
My best friend is an active alcoholic. I have set boundaries with him where when he is drinking I go no contact with him. I also refrain to comment on his junkie girlfriend and him letting street people crash in even though his section 8 states that he is the sole person on the lease. Mostly, I am succesful detaching with love.

Him and I go way back and went through hell and back together and he always had my back. I have been really successful sticking with my boundaries with him but today I lost it.

During their last binge, they trashed the place and he has had people staying on the floor, I was visiting today (he is sober) when the landlady showed up with the exterminator and started yelling at him that he needed to clean up, that his annual inspection was coming and he had to get rid of the people living there. She stated she would be back tomorrow. She also threatened him with a notice.

Instead of detaching and let him face the consequences of his BS (which I knew was coming), I went into full codie mode: booted out his "friends" scrubbed the place clean to the point of exhaustion (and I am working tonight) and starting laying down the law about what he should do with his gf so he does not get evicted.

I just got out of the shower and am getting ready to go to work but I feel mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. I am planning to stay away tomorrow and also go no contact until his inspection is done.
Despite all my work, I still have the rescuer syndrome...I feel almost hungover right now (I did not drink of course btw) sickening

Carlotta

Ps: by law, she should have given him a 72 hours notice, I mentioned it to him but I will NOT do anything else to help him (just hope I can stick to my guns). I gave the information and possible resources, he is an adult and can take care of his own mess.

Hammer

So you wanted to help somebody who needed help?

It is what we do. and yeah, sometimes to both their and our own detriment.

Oh well, today is a new day.

Balance things out.

Go yell at someone in traffic, and tell some homeless folks to get a job.

That might restore some balance. It is a karma thing or something. Dunno.

Carlotta

I work with homeless people LOL (speak of a codie job) but yelling at someone in traffic sounds good.
I went to his place this morning despite my best intentions to make sure they had not trashed it overnight.
Well at least I know that what I am doing is controlling and ultimately nuts and I am able today to have a good laugh at myself (especially the part when he started quacking at the landlady and I told him: hush, I will handle it )

Tuffgirl

It's amazing how easily we slip into codie mode. I darn near offered to pay my friend's past due natural gas bills when I found she had let them turn it off (that was her heat source and hot water). I came this [ ] close to offering. And then when the foreclosure happened on her condo, I actually offered her a place to live for a while until she could get back on her feet. She was an active alcoholic, and yes, I use past tense now because she died last fall.

Thing is - we all want to help those we care about it. I think its natural and normal. Taking it too far and doing personal damage to our own lives and sanity is when it becomes codependency. But the desire itself it what makes us empathetic human beings.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's great your friend has someone who cares about him. I know that although it would have been a total disaster if my friend had moved in with me - the offer itself made her feel cared for at a time when she had alienated everyone else. I am glad I did it now.

Carlotta

Thank you so much for your feedback Tuffgirl. I am glad to see it is not just me and that other codependents with good recovery time still slip here and there. You are right about the empathy thing.
I had another episode last night when someone I know (not a close friend) went bonkers and suicidal and was demanding that I call him on the phone...I did not since I am not a mental health professional and I am trained in deescalation not suicide prevention. I texted the intermediary to call the cops and an ambulance and left it at that.
I was so shaken and in codie mode and it was too late to call someone. Thank God for the SR chatroom. I went there and the guys and gals were supportive and made me laugh.
Years ago, I probably would have gotten involved in the madness, babysat a suicidal hysterical maniac till dawn, gotten to work exhausted and might have "rewarded" myself by slamming booze alone at home until I passed out. Sticking to my guns was tough and at first I felt like a bad selfish person but it was the right thing to do for me and guess what? They called the proper TRAINED authorities and that person is now in the hospital getting help and I had a good night of sleep!!! I was never NEEDED!!

I am so glad to have this board which is open 24/7 and all of you for support.

atalose

I can only imagine how mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted you must be after cleaning his side of the street. Doesn’t really leave you anything left for your side does it?

When I find myself on the other side of the street taking care of other people’s problems I need to figure out what it is I am avoiding on my own side.
Usually for me it’s finances. Hell, why worry, stress and get anxious about that when I can jump into solving something for someone else.
We all do it, slips here and there so believe me you are NOT alone.

The good part is you recognize it, you can stop the snowball right now and step away from the addict/alcoholic.

:codiepolice:codiepolice

DG0409

Carlotta- it's nice to hear about how you handled the suicidal situation. Good job on that.

Carlotta

Thank You, finance is a big trigger for me too, I have been trying to get a small business off the ground in addition to my job and things are not going as I would like them to go.
for bringing me back to basics and to the roots of my slip. It makes sense now and I noticed that when mentally I go in "codie" mode, it's like people feel it and start lining up at the door for me to "rescue" them.
Glad you called the codie police on me LOL.

Hammer

Was chatting a little bit about money stuff this noonish at a meeting, today.

About how the Steps and Traditions are not just words on a wall or in a book.

But as We Practice These Principles in All Our Affairs (Step 12) . . . .

See Tradition 7?

Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

I was asking some of the Alanon Treasurers how they do things with Alanon. They watch the money close when or if it is low, they stockpile up three months rent, and other expenses, they buy the books/resources needed for the group, and they pass the surplus up the line. Simple enough. Not so tough to "Practice" in our real world lives, either.

Start doing that and I have to tell you that will change things big time on the money side of life.

Matches the AA promises, as well --

========

from PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps, but you find in this in AA Big Book or thousands of places on the intertoobs.


THE PROMISES

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.