jzeb2008

I My alcoholic/ opiate addict husband left(by choice) 3 months ago to live with his alcoholic mother who also takes pain pills. The beginning of the year,I kicked him out again and again after getting tired of being left at home every evening while he was out using. He attempted sobriety for a few weeks, attended a few meetings and then one day left when I got sick.(He says that I kicked him out.) He has been talking about getting sober and coming home recently but has a million excuses about what I haven't done to change. He said that he wants to be married and gives me money but he obviously doesn't want to be home. Anyone experience a spouse who doesn't want to live at home?

Sunshine888

My AH has often left for days at a time. He would just take off and I too would be blamed for him leaving. Most recently, he left on OUR vacation without me. That was the final straw for me. I no longer want to be married to a man that would just not come home for days and days. A man that blatantly lies to my face about these benders. This last time he left, I gained the strength to change the locks. I haven't seen him in a month. It hasn't been an easy decision. I still love my AH. But, I love myself more and I want to be happy. I want my future to look positive.

fedup3

jzeb, it sounds like he doesn't come home because he can drink to his hearts content without anyone saying anything about it living with his mom. I'm sure he loves you but the love of the bottle has a stronger pull.

honeypig

jzeb, do you go to Alanon at all? Might be worth trying a handful of meetings to see if there's something there for you, in your situation.

Here's a link to help you find a meeting, if you're interested. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

I don't have anything else to offer other than to point out the obvious: Seems like BS that he doesn't want to get sober/come home b/c you haven't changed sufficiently.

You say he wants to stay married. How about what you want? And why? (Don't have to answer here, just questions for yourself)

jzeb2008

Thank you for the responses. I have been attending Al-Anon and working with a sponsor for 4 1/2 years now.

honeypig

Good for you! I hope you start to get some clarity regarding this situation soon.

Recovering2

I just wonder why he's allowed to stay away and then come back when he wants? He wants to be married??? Really??? Watch what he does....not what he says.

I wouldn't give him the power to decide if you're in this marriage or not. He's not in it. I would change the locks.

jzeb2008

I changed the locks the first part of the year.

AnvilheadII

i think this stopped being a MARRIAGE long long ago..........he just does whatever he can to keep you one down and under his control, whether he is IN the house or not. you could switch from being REACTIVE to whatever he says or does, and become PROACTIVE.....??

dandylion

jzeb, i think that Anvilhead is right---you are letting him have all the power. Why does he deserve more power than you??????

No doubt, your self-esteem and your confidence have taken some terrific hits--living with alcoholism and addiction. over time, will do that. When you come to realize--really realize--that you are worth more than this and that you don't have to live like this--you will take back your power.

It might help if you were to get really angry--really pi**** at this treatment. I know that I have been able to channel my anger into some really powerful motivation.

Please keep reading and keep posting!!! We will be here for you.

dandylion

Florence

Someone here calls them "relapse vacations," which perfectly described what my STBXAH would do. He would attempt sobriety and do well for a clip, then relapse, try to hide it, and once busted he would take off and spin out for a few days, living out of his car, in a cheap motel, wherever, where he could drink in peace.

The last time he pulled this, I changed the locks on the house. We are divorcing now. I am happier and more at peace than I have been my whole life prior.

skippernlilg

Oh yes. Happened with us, too. He knew the conditions: Live here, no drinking. If you must drink, you have to do it someplace else. He left. Told everyone I kicked him out, of course. I changed the locks. Since this was strike two and we have a full count, I'm taking the walk.

Sunshine888

I am so grateful to know that these "relapse vacations" aren't just me. There was a time when I started to believe that maybe I was to blame. Hearing your stories and knowing that this is just indicative of an alcoholic helps put a lot of things into perspective. I hate to see so many of us share this story, but it solidifies the reasoning behind a brand new lock on my door. Enough is enough.

Flavia2

Oh, this is exactly my situation! I have 2 daughters. If I change the locks, there will be a big scene. Also, I heard that if he calls the police, I will be forced to let him in. What should I do? Any advice is appreciated! He won't go quietly (I don't think).

faithinalabama

You could get an alarm. That way you would know when he walked into the house.

fluffyflea

They just want to be free to carry on using without being bothered and it,s easier to blame you than look at what he is doing.