He wants to separate...
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
He wants to separate...
This is only my second post and I knew things were going to come to a head soon and they did. We had a talk last night. My AH brought up what he called our "story board". Apparently, in years 3-5 of our marriage he had asked me to be more affectionate, give him compliments, work out so many days week, required sex so many days a week, needed me to wear lingerie when he wanted, do chores, etc. Basically, he gave me demands that I did not meet so he started drinking - he wants me to take responsibility at least in part for that. So now all of a sudden I want him to quit drinking and he likens that to when he put these demands on me 3-5 years ago so he isn't going to quit drinking. He also recall one time when apparently I called him "needy" and I don't remember that but he will not let that go. He keeps bringing it up over and over and over again. I told him to just let it go and he said then I need to let go of his drinking. However, he isn't quite ready to give up on our marriage so he wants to separate for 3-6 months. I asked him what the purpose was. If he wasn't going to quit drinking or work on getting healthy mentally (he suffers from depression) then what is the purpose of a separation? He felt that after some time had passed that I would realize what I was losing (house, health care benefits, retirement benefits, his income, etc). He said he may drink less he may drink more only time will tell. He is a high-functioning alcoholic with a good job and good pay and benefits. Nothing bad has happened to him yet while drinking. I also do not do enough chores around the house like his mother apparently did. His mother didn't work a full time job like I do so she could help out her husband with a lot of things. I clean the house, do the grocery shopping, cook, cut the lawn, I used to take out the garbage but he does that now so he can drink out in the garage while taking the garbage out. It took me 10 minutes to take the garbage out, I swear it takes him 3 hours. Anyway, I don't do chores he expects me to do which are things he needs to ask a male friend to do. We are talking about hard labor like removing concrete from the floor of our barn. I am sad that he would rather get divorced than enter treatment of any kind. I realize I can't help him anymore. I realize a lot of these things are defense mechanisms so he can keep drinking. He says he can control it. If that was the case why wouldn't he quit for 3-6 months to see if our relationship improved? Oh that's right, I have to have sex with him so many days a week, work out, be more affectionate, wear lingerie (which I hate wearing- always have), do chores he wants me to do, etc. Because if I do all that, then he will feel better and his life will be fulfilled. He once told me that he needs me to look good because it makes him feel better about himself. He didn't want me hanging around a couple of my sisters that were overweight (according to him) because if I did, I would start picking up their bad habits and gain weight. I know separating is probably for the best but it is scary. I did promise myself, however, that I wasn't going to go through another year of dealing with his drinking and that was over a year ago. I am taking the dog with me. We have no children. That felt good to get out. Anyone else find it difficult to get out even though you knew it was the best thing for you to do and how did you get through it?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Anyone else find it difficult to get out even though you knew it was the best thing for you to do and how did you get through it?
Here's something: It sounds like you're doing everything anyway. Now you get to do your "chores" at home without having your AH lingering over you with his complaints, neediness, and quacking. Sounds like a relief, eh?
Once the initial shock and sadness wore off, I realized how much better I slept, how much more peace I had at home, and how nice it was to be able to predict the immediate future with some certainty -- things I didn't have while living with an active alcoholic.
I got through it by doing weekly counseling, leaning heavily on SR, and finding ways to get myself out of my house and get busy. I took up biking, started a new website, dove headfirst into my relationship with my kids, and started following the website Un**** Your Habitat, which got me cleaning out my house with all its junk piles and invisible corners that my STBXAH blamed on me (much of this stuff is/was his).
I'm sorry, but also congratulations. This is a big step.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
I am infuriated by the things your husband has the nerve to say to you. How is everything that is wrong in his life your fault? Answer, it isnt! He is trying to make you feel lousy so he'll feel better. This is just beyond warped logic. If he wants to move out, hold the door open for him. Then change the locks once he's gone. This is not a marriage, this is another manipulative drunk trying to run your life for you in a way he thinks is right. I think you will be a lot better off without him. Geez I'm p*ssed off about this! Not at you, but at him.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Well, I'm not widely known for my tact, so take this with a grain of salt...If someone said to me what he said to you, I would look them straight in the eye and tell them that's the biggest load of hogsh*t I'd ever heard. Then laugh in his face, turn and walk away.
What an azzhole!
What an azzhole!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am so sorry for your situation. It may be a great relief to let this man walk out of your life. He is very harassing and controlling and unsupportive and you don't have to live with someone hovering over you ready to criticize and make demands every minute.
Why is it that YOU have to take the dog and move out? Is this what YOU want? There are lots of legal issues here - joint property, potentially being viewed as having abandoned the house and/or the marriage, support, mortgage payments and more.
Before you do anything, I seriously suggest talking with a lawyer. You can usually get a free consult with a lawyer before you hire them - you might try two or three to see who you like. After 5 years of marriage, you are tied together financially and legally in ways that you might not expect. It will be far better for you down the road if you carefully plan how to separate now.
He feels so "entitled" because of, in his view, your "past bad behavior" that you can't count on him to deal fairly with you on any account. Get an attorney so that your rights are recognized and enforced.
All of his demands, accusations, and blame - here on SoberRecovery we call that "quacking". There is a very funny/sad thread about that, and you will hear other alcoholics saying almost the exact words to their spouses that yours says to you, plus some new and novel variations on why the partner is to blame for the alcoholic's drinking. Just type "quacking" in the SR search function.
If you haven't read the "stickies" at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics index page, they are permanent threads where you can find so much useful information about what alcoholism is, and how to deal with it.
Hope you come back often, post as much and as long as you want. We're here for you.
ShootingStar1
Why is it that YOU have to take the dog and move out? Is this what YOU want? There are lots of legal issues here - joint property, potentially being viewed as having abandoned the house and/or the marriage, support, mortgage payments and more.
Before you do anything, I seriously suggest talking with a lawyer. You can usually get a free consult with a lawyer before you hire them - you might try two or three to see who you like. After 5 years of marriage, you are tied together financially and legally in ways that you might not expect. It will be far better for you down the road if you carefully plan how to separate now.
He feels so "entitled" because of, in his view, your "past bad behavior" that you can't count on him to deal fairly with you on any account. Get an attorney so that your rights are recognized and enforced.
All of his demands, accusations, and blame - here on SoberRecovery we call that "quacking". There is a very funny/sad thread about that, and you will hear other alcoholics saying almost the exact words to their spouses that yours says to you, plus some new and novel variations on why the partner is to blame for the alcoholic's drinking. Just type "quacking" in the SR search function.
If you haven't read the "stickies" at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics index page, they are permanent threads where you can find so much useful information about what alcoholism is, and how to deal with it.
Hope you come back often, post as much and as long as you want. We're here for you.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
roxy,
You are being abused. What you are experiencing is psychological and emotional abuse, and one of the main reasons you are finding it so hard to leave is that when we become victimized by someone's abuse of us, our self-esteem evaporates, we doubt our own worth, we doubt our own judgement, and the abuser has control of us as a result.
You are essentially a battered wife. The battering is psychological, not physical.
I agree with SS1, see a lawyer and also if you can manage it see a counselor and stay in counseling for at least 6 months. Once an abuser has hold of our minds, it is very hard for us to get ourselves free. You need someone on the outside, someone objective and trained who can help you unravel the knots in your mind that living with him has created.
He is not only an active alcoholic, he is a bully, and you are his emotional punching bag. You need to take the dog, get out, and find help. If you don't find help, his power over you is so strong that the odds are that you will go back to him and start the cycle all over again.
He will play you like a puppet forever if you do not break contact and get some help. There will be a strong compulsion in you to try to make him see the light, a strong compulsion to try to be what he wants you to be, a strong compulsion to give up and take whatever sh** he feels like throwing at you. When you feel that strong compulsion, it is because you have been victimized by an abuser. It is not your fault. But it is a voice in you that you should definitely not follow.
He is a bully. He gets high not only off of alcohol, he gets high off of hurting you. It feeds him. And it is possible that he is actually going to miss having you around to abuse and he might change his tactics for a brief time and try to reconcile with you--he will do this by messing up your mind--so he can have you around again to crap on. Abusers get really bored if they don't have someone to hurt.
Please get help and love yourself enough to make a better life for you (and your dog).
You are being abused. What you are experiencing is psychological and emotional abuse, and one of the main reasons you are finding it so hard to leave is that when we become victimized by someone's abuse of us, our self-esteem evaporates, we doubt our own worth, we doubt our own judgement, and the abuser has control of us as a result.
You are essentially a battered wife. The battering is psychological, not physical.
I agree with SS1, see a lawyer and also if you can manage it see a counselor and stay in counseling for at least 6 months. Once an abuser has hold of our minds, it is very hard for us to get ourselves free. You need someone on the outside, someone objective and trained who can help you unravel the knots in your mind that living with him has created.
He is not only an active alcoholic, he is a bully, and you are his emotional punching bag. You need to take the dog, get out, and find help. If you don't find help, his power over you is so strong that the odds are that you will go back to him and start the cycle all over again.
He will play you like a puppet forever if you do not break contact and get some help. There will be a strong compulsion in you to try to make him see the light, a strong compulsion to try to be what he wants you to be, a strong compulsion to give up and take whatever sh** he feels like throwing at you. When you feel that strong compulsion, it is because you have been victimized by an abuser. It is not your fault. But it is a voice in you that you should definitely not follow.
He is a bully. He gets high not only off of alcohol, he gets high off of hurting you. It feeds him. And it is possible that he is actually going to miss having you around to abuse and he might change his tactics for a brief time and try to reconcile with you--he will do this by messing up your mind--so he can have you around again to crap on. Abusers get really bored if they don't have someone to hurt.
Please get help and love yourself enough to make a better life for you (and your dog).
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I agree, this is form of intimidation and mental/emotional abuse...He NEEDS you to "work out and wear lingerie" so HE "feels better about himself""?
Do you ask him to do the same? No, you are NOT his mama, (thank GOD). He sounds like a whiney-baby-chauvenistic, sexist jackass.
the remark he made about your sisters is pathetic and sounds more like an attempt to alienate you from having family support.
If you ever get to experience being treated with respect for being a wonderful, hardworking woman, you will realize that he is full of it.
If he drinks so much, what kind of buff shape is he in?
when you separate, what does he expect you to pay for? i gather you have a home with a barn? I don't understand why he expects you to move concrete...if it were me, I would take the trash out, just to see what he does for drinking space?
Do you ask him to do the same? No, you are NOT his mama, (thank GOD). He sounds like a whiney-baby-chauvenistic, sexist jackass.
the remark he made about your sisters is pathetic and sounds more like an attempt to alienate you from having family support.
If you ever get to experience being treated with respect for being a wonderful, hardworking woman, you will realize that he is full of it.
If he drinks so much, what kind of buff shape is he in?
when you separate, what does he expect you to pay for? i gather you have a home with a barn? I don't understand why he expects you to move concrete...if it were me, I would take the trash out, just to see what he does for drinking space?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
' We have no children" ( Roxy68 )
^^^^^^ and here is your silver lining ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I'm sorry this guy is a complete jackass.
Also sorry to say, he sounds like is is more interested in the "visual" you than the real you.
So you are supposed to work out everyday, scrub and clean his home, put something sexy on, and be ready to rock his world on a moment's notice..........
So you are not meeting his needs, so he has to drink????? I don't think so........
Think I will upgrade him to a complete insensitive, loser, jerk.
Exactly what are you get out of this relationship?
If it were me , I would dump his sorry azz and find a man of substance, someone I could actually SHARE my life with, not someone with such unrealistic demands, who happens to be drunk and smells like stale beer and urine.
Sweety, run for the hills.
hope to hear more from you. we are here and understand.
^^^^^^ and here is your silver lining ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I'm sorry this guy is a complete jackass.
Also sorry to say, he sounds like is is more interested in the "visual" you than the real you.
So you are supposed to work out everyday, scrub and clean his home, put something sexy on, and be ready to rock his world on a moment's notice..........
So you are not meeting his needs, so he has to drink????? I don't think so........
Think I will upgrade him to a complete insensitive, loser, jerk.
Exactly what are you get out of this relationship?
If it were me , I would dump his sorry azz and find a man of substance, someone I could actually SHARE my life with, not someone with such unrealistic demands, who happens to be drunk and smells like stale beer and urine.
Sweety, run for the hills.
hope to hear more from you. we are here and understand.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
Thanks guys. You made me laugh today and that is a good thing. I actually work for an attorney but he doesn't do family law. My sister is going through a divorce so I know pretty much what the deal is in our state in that regard. I am in counseling (and group therapy with other wives of addicts) and and am going to see her shortly for a pep talk. @dandylion - He used to be very attractive and physically fit but he now has the distended belly and jowels. We actually met in a gym. I am in better shape than he is and just hired a personal trainer. I figured I need to have a strong mind and body if I am going to get through this. @ShootingStart1 - The house we live in was his before we married and even though my name is on the deed now there is no way he would move out. In his mind I should feel lucky for all he has done for me. He reminds me all the time how he lets me live in his beautiful house, he bought me a car and a motorcycle, and he provides me with healthcare through his job...blah, blah, blah... I do appreciate all that we have and how hard he has worked for it but I also have worked hard. I obtained a 4-year degree during our marriage (he is 51, I am 44) and have a good job that I love. In the beginning, when we were married I think I did feel obligated to do certain things that I wasn't comfortable with. I eventually gained enough backbone through family, friends and Alanon to start thinking for myself and taking care of myself. I think the fact that I wasn't his little toy anymore doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted was my downfall and failure as his wife in his eyes. @Fandy - We have a home and we also have a farm just a few miles away from our home. We don't work the farm, we rent it out to a farmer who grows crops. There is a house and barn on the property but the house isn't livable otherwise I would have moved there a long time ago! We were going to sell our home and renovate the barn into a home or build a new house but with the economy our plans didn't work out which is probably a blessing. I know deep down this is the right thing to do and know change is hard but that doesn't mean it is bad. Thanks again guys for making me smile when I have been a little teary eyed all day. 
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Posts: 10,208
there is nothing easy about it
Originally Posted by roxy68 
Anyone else find it difficult to get out even though you knew it was the best thing for you to do and how did you get through it?
seems that it would be hard to make you husband happy
yes breaking up and or divorcing is very tough on the heart and soul
but
in many cases a few years down the road
we know that it was the very best move for us
sorry to say that I think there is nothing easy about it
stay close to your church if you have one
if you don't have one it might be a good time to look around
Mountainman
yes breaking up and or divorcing is very tough on the heart and soul
but
in many cases a few years down the road
we know that it was the very best move for us
sorry to say that I think there is nothing easy about it
stay close to your church if you have one
if you don't have one it might be a good time to look around
Mountainman
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Hi Roxy,
I agree with everything everyone said..It sounds like you've got an alcoholic and an abuser on your hands. And it doesn't sound like he is going to change anytime soon.
I'd go ahead and let him think he is separating from you--give him that false sense of control--and then once he is gone, run for the hills, burn your lingerie, and never look back.
HUGS
I agree with everything everyone said..It sounds like you've got an alcoholic and an abuser on your hands. And it doesn't sound like he is going to change anytime soon.
I'd go ahead and let him think he is separating from you--give him that false sense of control--and then once he is gone, run for the hills, burn your lingerie, and never look back.
HUGS
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Ah HAH! He has jowels, a distend booze gut and probably soft with muscles that have atrophied.
on the other hand, you are doing all the right things...I'm glad you shared that you work for an attorney. Even if they do not do family law, you have options for referral to who does. I'm sorry for your sister's divorce, but you will have other support and advice too.
Your name is on the deed and you have brought PLENTY into the marriage, you can use this as a bargaining chip. What is he going to do while you "leave for 6 months"....move in with his new friend, cuddle up with a bottle of vodka? Pose for a male nude calendar? he is not fulfilled because he is drinking himself miserable....blaming you is HIS excuse.
"poor me, poor me, pour me a drink"
If you have to move, you have expenses and he is still keeping you on his health insurance as you are married. I don't know how the assets are divided, but you'll work through this.
be sure he did not clean out the joint bank accounts, start depostiing your paycheck into a separate new account to protect yourself.
on the other hand, you are doing all the right things...I'm glad you shared that you work for an attorney. Even if they do not do family law, you have options for referral to who does. I'm sorry for your sister's divorce, but you will have other support and advice too.
Your name is on the deed and you have brought PLENTY into the marriage, you can use this as a bargaining chip. What is he going to do while you "leave for 6 months"....move in with his new friend, cuddle up with a bottle of vodka? Pose for a male nude calendar? he is not fulfilled because he is drinking himself miserable....blaming you is HIS excuse.
"poor me, poor me, pour me a drink"
If you have to move, you have expenses and he is still keeping you on his health insurance as you are married. I don't know how the assets are divided, but you'll work through this.
be sure he did not clean out the joint bank accounts, start depostiing your paycheck into a separate new account to protect yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Hang in there Roxy. I am so sorry your are going though all this pain. Keep that good head on your shoulders - you know that none of this has anything to do with you. If you aren't going to be a tool to enable his drinking, then he doesn't want you around. That's the long and short of it, and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER! What an amazing free life you have ahead of you! CONGRATULATIONS!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Roxy, just want to agree w/all those who have posted here. Can't imagine what I could possibly add. I think that, as usual, EnglishGarden has hit the nail on the head; maybe print that out and look at it often!
Like others, I cannot BELIEVE your AH would presume to schedule you to work out X times a week, have sex X times a week, wear his choice of lingerie, etc.! What world does this guy live in that he has ANY IDEA that this is how you treat ANYONE, male or female, friend or spouse?? I believe he is in for a rude surprise in the near future...
I was reading another thread where someone posted words to this effect: Even tho right now you may be feeling devastated, this could very well be the biggest chance of your life. You can get free and make a life for yourself, the life YOU want. I'm certain it doesn't feel like it now, but this is a GIFT, to separate from this d***head and never have him darken your door again!
Rooting for you, Roxy, hang in there!
Like others, I cannot BELIEVE your AH would presume to schedule you to work out X times a week, have sex X times a week, wear his choice of lingerie, etc.! What world does this guy live in that he has ANY IDEA that this is how you treat ANYONE, male or female, friend or spouse?? I believe he is in for a rude surprise in the near future...
I was reading another thread where someone posted words to this effect: Even tho right now you may be feeling devastated, this could very well be the biggest chance of your life. You can get free and make a life for yourself, the life YOU want. I'm certain it doesn't feel like it now, but this is a GIFT, to separate from this d***head and never have him darken your door again!
Rooting for you, Roxy, hang in there!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by roxy68
This is only my second post and I knew things were going to come to a head soon and they did. We had a talk last night. My AH brought up what he called our "story board". Apparently, in years 3-5 of our marriage he had asked me to be more affectionate, give him compliments, work out so many days week, required sex so many days a week, needed me to wear lingerie when he wanted, do chores, etc. Basically, he gave me demands that I did not meet so he started drinking - he wants me to take responsibility at least in part for that. So now all of a sudden I want him to quit drinking and he likens that to when he put these demands on me 3-5 years ago so he isn't going to quit drinking. He also recall one time when apparently I called him "needy" and I don't remember that but he will not let that go. He keeps bringing it up over and over and over again. I told him to just let it go and he said then I need to let go of his drinking. However, he isn't quite ready to give up on our marriage so he wants to separate for 3-6 months. I asked him what the purpose was. If he wasn't going to quit drinking or work on getting healthy mentally (he suffers from depression) then what is the purpose of a separation? He felt that after some time had passed that I would realize what I was losing (house, health care benefits, retirement benefits, his income, etc). He said he may drink less he may drink more only time will tell. He is a high-functioning alcoholic with a good job and good pay and benefits. Nothing bad has happened to him yet while drinking. I also do not do enough chores around the house like his mother apparently did. His mother didn't work a full time job like I do so she could help out her husband with a lot of things. I clean the house, do the grocery shopping, cook, cut the lawn, I used to take out the garbage but he does that now so he can drink out in the garage while taking the garbage out. It took me 10 minutes to take the garbage out, I swear it takes him 3 hours. Anyway, I don't do chores he expects me to do which are things he needs to ask a male friend to do. We are talking about hard labor like removing concrete from the floor of our barn. I am sad that he would rather get divorced than enter treatment of any kind. I realize I can't help him anymore. I realize a lot of these things are defense mechanisms so he can keep drinking. He says he can control it. If that was the case why wouldn't he quit for 3-6 months to see if our relationship improved? Oh that's right, I have to have sex with him so many days a week, work out, be more affectionate, wear lingerie (which I hate wearing- always have), do chores he wants me to do, etc. Because if I do all that, then he will feel better and his life will be fulfilled. He once told me that he needs me to look good because it makes him feel better about himself. He didn't want me hanging around a couple of my sisters that were overweight (according to him) because if I did, I would start picking up their bad habits and gain weight. I know separating is probably for the best but it is scary. I did promise myself, however, that I wasn't going to go through another year of dealing with his drinking and that was over a year ago. I am taking the dog with me. We have no children. That felt good to get out. Anyone else find it difficult to get out even though you knew it was the best thing for you to do and how did you get through it?
He sounds like a very insecure, controlling, self centered jerk. And completely in denial. It sounds like he's doing all the taking and not much giving. I suppose the separation is supposed to teach you a lesson? Argh, I'm just so p****d off and frustrated for you!
I hate to sound judgemental, but if it were me, I'd run like hell and never look back. You deserve so much more!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Wow, who crowned him king! I agree with funky and hold the door open for him. He's also telling you 3-6 mo. separation why not a year? Yes, this is abuse and it sounds like he's been wearing you down for a long time. Roxy, get counseling and seek advise from a professional on your options and remember we're here for you, you're going to be okay!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Hi Roxy...you deserve so much better! So glad to hear the things you are doing for yourself.
I would agree with at least talking to a lawyer...in my state, I know that I can file for legal separation that would outline maintenance of health insurance and spousal support should it come to that. He asked for the trial separation - why not make it a legal separation and make sure you are protected?
I wish you the best...you are stronger than you realize!
I would agree with at least talking to a lawyer...in my state, I know that I can file for legal separation that would outline maintenance of health insurance and spousal support should it come to that. He asked for the trial separation - why not make it a legal separation and make sure you are protected?
I wish you the best...you are stronger than you realize!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Roxy68-- stay strong-- agree with everything that has been posted. He is trying to manipulate and I would bet it's because he sees you just - might- be growing stronger!! So now he will do the little kid thing where he is going to quit playing for a while, because he isn't winning.
Are we allowed to mention books on here? I just downloaded one to my kindle and I am blown away how much I see myself and A in this book. I am very, very new to this whole admit I am married to an A thing, so..... wow. But if you want to know the book it has helped me so much in just the few days. I get it now. Now I just need to put it into action.
Stay strong
Be well,
Are we allowed to mention books on here? I just downloaded one to my kindle and I am blown away how much I see myself and A in this book. I am very, very new to this whole admit I am married to an A thing, so..... wow. But if you want to know the book it has helped me so much in just the few days. I get it now. Now I just need to put it into action.
Stay strong
Be well,
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