honeypig

Yes, you can certainly mention books, movies, whatever, at least from what I see. There are whole threads about recommended reading, spiritual/inspirational books, etc.. From personal experience, I have mentioned several books since I've been here, and no one has said boo about it.

There is even a whole section of the forum dedicated to addiction in movies, news, etc. ! Recovery, Addiction, and Alcoholism in the News, Movies, and Pop Culture - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

fourmaggie

wow! so much shift blaming here...hummm...true alcoholic here, this is what we get and ya, i agree with someone here that said "I DONT SEE HIM CHANGING ANY TIME SOON"..

*for some reason i picture him in a THONG...see how he likes the dental floss up his A$$*

Recovering2

Dear Roxy....of COURSE you are failing in your duties, causing him to drink. What is his other choice in this matter??? If it's not your fault somehow, then he has to face that he is actually responsible for his choices and behaviors! He is not going to do that. You will be the scapegoat for all his actions. That's what A's do. Deny and manipulate. Remember...just because he says it, doesn't make it true.

So he wants a separation. He is giving you a gift!!! Now is the time to prepare yourself. Meet with an attorney and get ready to do this right. He thinks you're just going to go stay somewhere for a few months until you miss him. But he isn't thinking about the fact that you have rights in the marriage, and you will be entitled to those rights. He doesn't expect you to do anything. Get a legal separation, protect yourself.

Don't listen to his crap. Detach from his behavior. He is giving you the opportunity to save yourself.....take it and RUN!!!!!

jaynie04

So he is going to teach you how good you have it with him???? Screw that. Sorry, but my face got red reading your post.

He is putting you on the offense so that you don't dare question his drinking.

Kat60

He IS giving you a gift! Take it!

Not only is he an alcoholic, but he is also a narcissist.

I had one of those too, and after wasting 15 years of my life trying to live up to his impossible expectations (weight, sex, nails always having to be done, certain clothes, make-up, jewelry that he bought for me that I hated-but he could brag to his friends about...ad nauseum) I finally bolted and never, ever looked back!!!

That was 8 years ago and I have not talked to him since I threw his 2 carat ring and his sorry ass out!

He went to rehab since and He married about a year later. She is now miserable with him too and he controls her every move. And the rehab didn't work. Too bad, she is a nice woman...

I have never regretted that decision, even though it was hard at the time.

jaynie04

When I read your second post I kept imagining Julia Roberts at the beginning of Sleeping with the Enemy when her husband gives her lingerie and calls her on the carpet to remind her what he expects of her.

Kat60

Isn't that the truth Jaynie!!!

Santa

This is my ex to a T. He couldn't quite grasp why his demanding, punitive, judgmental behavior wasn't highly motivational for me to shower him with sex and affection.

Not yet, but it will. My ex had all that but 20 years later is unemployed, as his drinking finally began spilling over into the workday, and has left me to shoulder the entire burden of putting 2 children through college.

My advice: get a lawyer, get out as soon as you possibly can, and thank your lucky stars that you do not have any children with this man.

roxy68

I am so scared. I saw an attorney, took half the cash and put it in a new bank under my name only and transferred my IRA to a new broker (he was managing my portfolio). I told him this weekend. He was not happy because he only wanted to separate. But the way he talked to me, I knew things weren't going to change. I told him there is a 120 waiting period before any action is taken after filing. If things change I would consider postponing divorce. All he was worried about was the money and he wanted me to move out over the weekend. I am moving out this weekend to live with my sister. He also just found out I took a couple thousand dollars out of the checking within the last few months without his consent. He spent way more than that this past year on gold/silver without my consent. You know he never once said he wanted me to stay that he wanted to work things out, that he would get help for his drinking, nothing. Just "I better get an attorney" huh. Please give me words of encouragement!!!!!

Wisconsin

Stay strong, Roxy, and follow your attorney's instructions to the letter. He/she will keep you informed, and since you and your AH do not have children, there is absolutely NO reason for you to have any direct contact with him whatsoever. Your lawyer can talk to his lawyer.

As for the money, if it was in a joint account, it is a marital asset, and your lawyer knows all about what you can and can't access. Your AH is just trying to bully you. Try your hardest to ignore him. Once you know who his lawyer is, you can instruct him (and have your lawyer instruct his lawyer) that he is under no circumstances to contact you directly. All contact MUST come through your lawyer. That will help you to stay strong. Hopefully you have a good, supportive relationship with your sister. Staying with her will hopefully also help to boost your confidence.

Way to go!! You are making important, positive changes!

roxy68

Thanks Wisconsin. I am from Wisconsin too! My sister is actually going through a divorce too unfortunately. Her husband asked for a divorce last October because he was having an affair. So we will both be there for each other. This is a huge step in my life and one that is very, very scary but also liberating at the same time and stressful, etc.

honeypig

Another Wisconsinite checking in here, Roxy--good for you for taking action like you did! Wisconsin had good advice for you. The more distance you can keep between you and him, the better off you will be.

If you have not yet been advised to look into Alanon, please do consider it. The people there have stood in your shoes and will make you feel welcome and accepted. Sometimes you need face-to-face support, something that SR just can't offer, even tho it is a wonderful place! Here's the link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Let the scary and stressful be there, but focus on the LIBERATING!!

Flicka57

Roxy68:
Your story could be mine so I would like to offer some advice:
He is controlling you and abusing you: telling you what to wear, whether you can communicate with your sisters, what things you will do to keep him happy. Think about it, he has you doing everything, he controls the finances and now limiting who you can talk to and if things don't go his way he blames you.

You need to 180 him fast & hard--
Agree to the separation but tell him since he wants it he moves out
Talk to at least 3 attorneys
Get copies of as much financial information as you can
Do not speak to him regarding anything on your relationship from this point forward
Stop cooking and cleaning for him--only take care of yourself
Be scarce-start going out & if he asks don't tell go shopping whatever.
Get support groups
Get a place lined up just in case
Give him a taste of life without you
If & when he decides he does not like this--set your boundaries (no more drinking, recovery program, marriage counseling).
Stick to your guns
Do not schedule dates with him, do not buy him gifts
Act disinterested in anywhere he goes or anything he's doing--keep busy on yourself

You are strong & good & so show him what life without YOU will be like. Turn the tables but be prepared with everything lined up and ready to go.

funkynassau

Roxy I was going to write a few things but Wisconsin said what I wanted to say.

Dont back down, dont let him bully or cajole you into staying. Go stay with your sister, put some distance between you and him.

Stay strong, you can do this!

Recovering2

Roxy you're doing great. I'm sure you surprised your AH by taking back some of your own power and making some decisions for yourself. He will likely get angry as you continue to move forward, and will be looking to reel you back in with threats, etc. That's why it is truly best to let the lawyers talk to each other, and not let him continue to deal with you directly. Once you're out, let him know he needs to communicate directly with your lawyer. Let's not forget this was HIS decision to begin with! So now he can live with that.

I second the suggestion that you find an AlAnon meeting and start attending. You will get alot of strength and support there.

roxy68

Update - the evening of my last post I came home and AH was drunk and pissed at me for taking $ out of our joint checking account. It wasn't a lot but he said I was deceitful and dishonest because I did not ask his permission or tell him about it. He followed me around the house yelling at me. Cornered me in my bedroom and would not let me leave. He berated me and said all I wanted was his money. He punched the celing fan/ light in my room and broke it. I told him I was goint to call the police he took my cell phone and smashed it and broke it. He pushed me really hard on the bed and pushed me away every time I tried to leave my room. I did not react to him I just told him I wanted to leave. I had never seen him so angry in my life. I was shaking and frightened for my safety. He finally let me go and I took the dog and we left. He wouldn't let me get my clothes for work so I called the sheriff's dept. to assist. He was sweet as pie to them which really irritated me. Needless to say, I moved out. The next day while he was at work I got whatever I needed and left. I contacted my attorney and am proceeding with divorce filing. He only contacted me once to ask about our mortgage company because I have the records but I ignored him. He never apologized for his behavior or how he treated me. Me and the dog are now safe and sound. I feel okay but also very sad because I don't think he feels he did anything wrong. I truly think he believes I stole from him (out of our JOINT account). He also went out the next day and bought some booze. I have not seen or heard from him since. It is just so weird to me. I guess I truly am better off. Onward into my new life!

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Roxy,

That sounds absolutely terrifying, and I'm so sorry you had to go through it. I just finished a book about abusive men called "Why Does He Do That?", and from what I learned in the book, it sounds like you did the absolute right thing calling the police. The fact that he was friendly and nice to them is apparently totally typical abuser behavior.

I'm hoping Lexie pops up because she knows about DV. I feel like you need to take his anger and the fact he pushed you seriously, and put some kind of safety plan in place for yourself. Maybe you should file a restraining order against him? If he remains consistent with his abuser profile, his aggression against you could worsen as he loses more and more control over you.

I don't mean to freak you out; I just want you take care of yourself. I'm so glad you and the dog are safely away from him.

We are always here for you! HUGS

DreamsofSerenity

Another thing you mentioned--about him not thinking he did anything wrong--is also typical. According to the book I read, abusers feel entitled to act the way they do. The reason they abuse their women partners is because they are controlling, entitled, and do not respect them. If the book is correct, I would not wait around for your AH to feel remorse for anything. And if he does apologize to you, it will probably be a manipulation to get what he wants. (Again, just what I read)..

roxy68

I talked to my lawyer about it. She advised if he harrasses me in any way after he gets served then we will discuss a TRO. She is also scheduling a hearing as to who pays what and he will probably have to pay me maintenance which will really **** him off. I am far enough away that I don't think he will bother me here. He hasn't even called or emailed to ask about our dog. I still feel sorry for him because he doesn't see what alcohol is doing to himself. But I am taking care of me and my pup and we are going to do the best we can and finally be happy and FREE!!!

DreamsofSerenity

You sound like you have a great attitude and are very strong!