MamaKit

Ok, I know this is going to sound rather ridiculous but it has finally "clicked" that I can not control my STAXH's behavior. (Good God I can't wait to officially write AXH).

I would love to hear of similar experiences of a "click" or an AHA moment from any of you who have the patience to read this post.

I get it now. I can't control him!!!!! Of course, I already knew this in my mind, intellectually. I've repeated it over and over and over. But it wasn't until last week that I realized that this truth had not really taken hold in the way I conduct myself.

Here's the story:

My A has only paid 2 weeks of child support in the last 10 months (when the requirement kicked in). I will wait until we receive our final order to pursue this issue, which should be any day now that the final order is way overdue. I am not doing this to protect him but rather to wait for the income calculation because the last support amount was based on unemployment income and the final order amount will be based on his earning capacity. However, my delay in doing this was likely to protect him from his responsibility because he can't seem to get his feet under him. (Reminder, that in addition from threatening to kill me, he was significantly financially unfaithful.....significantly!!!)

Anyway, he helped me sell my old car which was still in the garage where he lives. I didn't want to meet people from a Craigslist ad myself (alone) and I am not permitted to put it out front of the complex where I now reside. So, he offered to help me if I let him drive it until it was sold. Good deal. I also offered him $300 from the proceeds if he could get me a certain amount in the sale. As I write this last sentence, I can't believe that I did that. He owes me THOUSANDS! and I am giving him money.

That's when it clicked. I was trying to buy his good will. I was trying to change his behavior - behavior which is awful, negative, cruel and childish - by giving him money.

I also realize that I have been overly flexible and have not held him accountable for other responsibilities for the same reason. I rationalized all of that behavior in recent months...even though I ABSOLUTELY should have known better. I am astounded at myself.

I don't know what made it finally click....but it did. (well, it is probably because he was a total A$$hat within hours of me giving him that money).

Is this a common experience for those of you who have come out on the other side. Did it just one day "click" for you too?

Again, I realize that this sounds silly, given what I have professed to know and even practice. I guess I should be grateful.

Hugs to all,
MamaKit

Florence

For me it was more like the ground shifted, or I got a new lens or something. One day I just realized, this is who he is and that's it. No more, no less. I'd been shadowboxing, trying to maneuver good outcomes with someone who didn't exist. I had to stop behaving as though he had goodwill for me, because whenever he saw an opportunity to get ahead, he ditched that goodwill and almost always did the selfish thing.

P.S. CONGRATULATIONS. It's free-ing, isn't it?

NWGRITS

If it happened so easily, most of us wouldn't be here. Don't be so hard on yourself. It happened, you have a new view of your life and your future, and that is a wonderful thing. Onward and upward!

RollTide

I think the last time he got a DUI (after we were divorced) I finally got it. At least it was icing on the realization cake.

SparkleKitty

I had that click, and it coincided perfectly with the moment I also realized we were through. That he was not going to change and I couldn't accept him as-is. Pretty liberating. Congrats on this revelation MamaKit!

Sunshine888

It all came together for me when my AH left on our planned vacation without me. He just wanted to be alone and go on another bender. I used that time to tell my parents the secret that I had been holding in - that the man I thought I loved so dearly was alcohol dependent and no amount of counseling would change him. He has said on several occasions that he doesn't want to quit drinking. I cried as I told my parents the truth about my marriage, but it was cleansing. I no longer had to do this alone. They immediately helped me change the locks to the house. When my AH returned home all of his stuff was moved out and he was informed that I wanted a divorce. It has now been a month since I have seen him. Some days I get weak and think that I made a huge mistake, but a quick conversation with my AH puts it all back in check. I now have hope for a happy future.

Seren

Yeah, sometimes that switch just flips...and we see things in a completely different way.

You've made quite a breakthrough for yourself toward a really wonderful life ahead!

Rosiepetal

Sometimes despite our efforts to keep the peace & be good people we can't change other people.
Ah hah.
Do you mind if I share your moment & realise that my XH is never going to change.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts today, it helped.

MamaKit

Don't mind one bit sharing this moment with you ((((((Rosie)))))). This click really is liberating. Also, I feel empowered and decisive. The right choice for me in the tiny day to day decisions since the click is so much clearer now.
Thanks all for your kind words and encouragement.
I love hearing your " click" moments.....more, more, more!

MamaKit

DesertEyes

Sounds perfectly normal to me, it took me a while to get the "click".

That's the way I felt, just like you describe.

I've heard it called by different names: "codie bottom", "spiritual experience", "hitting the wall", "moment of clarity", etc.

My "click" happened when I set down a boundary. The "other guy" my ex was having an affair with was married, and his wife found out. I calmly, carefuly, and rationaly explained to my ex that I was not going to lie to that woman in order to cover up the affair.

My ex demanded that not only I lie, but that I fabricate a complete "cover story" such that my ex could visit her boyfriend and claim that my company was negotiating a deal with the boyfriend's company. Else she would divorce me.

The "click" happened when I realized I was thinking of this affair as _the other guy's_ affair, and _not_ as my wife's affair. _He_ was having an affair with my wife, but in my mind I had compartmented it out as _not_ my wife's affair. At that moment I realized that my marriage had ended some time ago. That the real problem was not my ex, she was having a great time running around and coming home to rest. The problem was _me_, that I was hanging on to a marriage that existed only in my imagination.

It didn't feel like a "click", it felt more like somebody took a baseball bat and got me real hard in the stomach.

Mike

lillamy

What clicked for me wasn't so much the realization that I really couldn't control him -- but rather the invisible emotional cord that tied me to him long after the divorce was over. I felt less and less responsible for him, but I still could feel like we were somehow attached.

He did something absolutely unforgivable to the children.

And that was it. He went from being "my ex-husband" or "the father of my children" to being as emotionally irrelevant to me as the homeless dude who camps out in the woods next to my house.

And it was exactly like you describe it, MamaKit. Poof. Just like that.

thislonelygirl

Its not ridiculous. I had the same click as well actually its more of a release spiritually emotionally and physically.
I think the click happened to me around the time he was arrested this year . I was trying to control the situation and feeling bad about me and our relationship when I couldnt. It felt like I needed to be better and fix him and us and if I couldn't do that then I was failing when in reality hes the one failing.
Ever since then the clicks keep coming and even when the stress is still there and the sadness. ...its not my failure or fault. Giving up the reality of fault and control and grasping the 3 cs has made a difference .

thislonelygirl

Wow...
I am both sorry and happy for you but I can relate in some way that we as codies can also be in denial. That was a big one for me.

funkynassau

Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees, so dont beat yourself up about it! I'm glad you had that light bulb moment and have decided to change how you do things with regards to him. Good for you! Celebrate waking up! We all do this one way or another.

I can totally relate, as I had an alkie friend who wasnt much of a friend when I thought about it. I tried to be good and kind but his alkie ways got in the way far too much and one day I had my AHA! moment. I ultimately cut contact with him, he was making me crazy, and I knew I couldn't help him, that's up to him and he's not there yet. He may never get there. I do think he'll drink himself into the ground in a year or two.

I'm happy for you! Hopefully life gets better and simpler for you from here on in!

MsPINKAcres

oh yes the moment ~ I remember mine too ~

He is what he is, it's not my fault, I can't change, control it or cure it and this is the one that really FREED me - and even if I could - I really don't want to anymore!!!!

Wishing you the best in your new Happy, Joyous & Free life!

PINK HUGS

Wisconsin

For me, it was a recent all-out battle on the phone. The same fight we have had 643156 times. Exact. Same. Fight. I was complaining that when he was home, he actually refused to spend time with me (he is working out of state, and is home generally one weekend a month). He was just clearly, totally incapable of understanding that this hurt me. Something in my brain absolutely clicked. He has his priorities. They are not good or bad, right or wrong. They just are. I have my priorities. They are not good or bad, right or wrong, better or worse than his. They just are. And the FACT is that our priorities are so hugely different, there is no conceivable way we could ever have a happy, fulfilling marriage. Period. The irony is that for years he has screamed at me that his "drinking isn't our problem!" I had resisted that for a long time, but the fact is that it's true. The drinking, in and of itself, isn't our problem. Our disconnected priorities are our problem. The way he treats me is our problem. And yes, the way I treat him is our problem. I believe his drinking CONTRIBUTES to those factors, but the drinking, standing alone, isn't the problem.

I want A, B, C and D from a marriage. He wants E, F, G and H from a marriage. There is no way it can work given our respective current priorities, and I am not motivated to change my priorities as much as they would need to be changed to save our marriage.

Overnight I went from hovering by my phone constantly, anticipating a call or a text, to not even paying attention to where my phone is, much less if it's beeping or ringing. Overnight I went from trying to analyze everything he said, everything he did, to just not really caring anymore.

I'm sure I will have regressions. Progress, not perfection. But for some reason, having that same blow-up fight again may not have changed HIM (like I had always wanted...if I just said it one more time, he would finally get it, right?!?), but it certainly changed ME. Because it changed my UNDERSTANDING of where I am, what I want, and what is acceptable to me.

LifeRecovery

I had this click with my ex when I found out about the affair that had continued even when I had a boundary in place.

The bigger, and more substantial click for me though happened in a therapy session....when I was talking about my family of origin.

It helped me to see what a family of codpendents I grew up in, what that looked like and why 30+ years later it was still impacting my life in such a negative fashion (like the intimate relationship I had choosen to become involved in, but more importantly stayed in).

It happened 15 min into my therapy session. ALL the pieces came together, and I have not really even had to talk about it since....but my life has dramatically changed for the better since that time.

fedup3

The click happened after the divorce when I could finally catch my breath, have some time of peace that all the pieces began to fit in the puzzle of unanswered circumstances that had happened in our marriage. While he never cheated on me (as far as I know) everything else he did to me and the kids just brought nothing but hardship to us emotionally, physically and financially. I never realized that until that click happened that he was never going to change.

FireSprite

I had a similar click like you describe here - it was MONUMENTAL for me. Kinda like one of those stereogram pictures where the hidden picture is so simple yet so hard to see... & once you get it you really GET IT.


My "click" with RAH came one day when I had just had ENOUGH. I don't specifically remember what garbage he was spewing at me (really it all started to sound the same after a while) and I suddenly heard what he was saying & how ridiculous, petty & wrong it all was. I was none of the things he accused me of, but there I sat time & again listening to him rant about all these things I wasn't & it was the absolute opposite of what I hear from other people about myself. I actually remember sitting there thinking, "Who is he talking to???"

This time, something shifted. This time it was like reading a story in a book - fiction, not anything about ME at all - so I stood up and told him exactly where he could shove his BS. That just because he convinces himself something is true doesn't make it so, that just because he says something doesn't make it true. That I was competent & beautiful & successful and I didn't need HIM to justify it for it to be true.

That, dammit, I was a good catch & he should feel lucky to have me in his life & if he didn't believe me he could leave & watch the line of men form at the door who WOULD appreciate me. That I DESERVED better.

Later I realized what bothered me enough to tip my breaking point was that I was starting to believe the things he said. That I was accepting these things about myself on some level if I was willing to sit there & listen to it & then still cater to his craziness.

I realized that I was getting to a point where *I* didn't like *me* and that this relationship was eroding who I was as a person & how I thought of myself. I realized I could never predict or control who he was or what he did, but I could take control of me because at that point, I had essentially handed HIM all the power by letting his decisions, moods & opinions change WHO I WAS.