He left me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Ok, so how sick am I? Below is the latest text I sent my AH. Why can I not just let him act the way he is going to act and not respond or react?
"I stupidly listened to your message. Ok so MY last text broke the camels back for YOU? Really? Ok! Because when have you even started to honor the commitment if marriage you made to me to even have the audacity to say it is now over for you? Because, as I stated, I know you don't care if I live or die. You don't take care of me physically, emotionally , financially, sexually, spiritually. And yet it is ALL my fault! Ok. Tell me something I don't know. I told you that I already know you don't love me and don't want me. So not quite sure why you just reiterated what I had already told you I knew. Yes I know you DON'T LOVE ME! I know you want nothing to do with me. You have made that clear. You have also made clear it is ALL my fault and what a "piece of ****" I am. And that I am a horrible person. Yes yes yes! I have heard you and that is what I've been telling you. I know and understand you feel that way. I finally have stopped lying to myself that all I that is just my insecurity and I've quit lying to myself that you may be able to love me if I was just a little more of anything everything. Because I know the truth that I am nothing in your eyes and heart and never will be. But if it makes you feel better to continue to kick me and make sure I know just how much pain you can put me through and how much rejection I can take from you then go ahead if that makes you feel like a man. And if you need to continue to hurt me just keep doing what you are doing! You hate me! I get it! You just want me to disappear and you wish I was never born, I get that also!"
Ugh! I am going to try and figure out a way to at least get a new phone and not engage with him anymore.
"I stupidly listened to your message. Ok so MY last text broke the camels back for YOU? Really? Ok! Because when have you even started to honor the commitment if marriage you made to me to even have the audacity to say it is now over for you? Because, as I stated, I know you don't care if I live or die. You don't take care of me physically, emotionally , financially, sexually, spiritually. And yet it is ALL my fault! Ok. Tell me something I don't know. I told you that I already know you don't love me and don't want me. So not quite sure why you just reiterated what I had already told you I knew. Yes I know you DON'T LOVE ME! I know you want nothing to do with me. You have made that clear. You have also made clear it is ALL my fault and what a "piece of ****" I am. And that I am a horrible person. Yes yes yes! I have heard you and that is what I've been telling you. I know and understand you feel that way. I finally have stopped lying to myself that all I that is just my insecurity and I've quit lying to myself that you may be able to love me if I was just a little more of anything everything. Because I know the truth that I am nothing in your eyes and heart and never will be. But if it makes you feel better to continue to kick me and make sure I know just how much pain you can put me through and how much rejection I can take from you then go ahead if that makes you feel like a man. And if you need to continue to hurt me just keep doing what you are doing! You hate me! I get it! You just want me to disappear and you wish I was never born, I get that also!"
Ugh! I am going to try and figure out a way to at least get a new phone and not engage with him anymore.
Dear New Beginnings,
In response to your question, it's not at all uncommon to "react" to the Alcoholics behavior, so don't think you're the only one who has done this....
It took me a LONG time to unlearn this behavior and I must say it has served me quite well when I choose to respond to a situation instead of reacting to it....
As I read through your response to him, I get the feeling that you are trying to get some kind of validation from him and I am sorry to say that is never going to happen with him....
I can't even begin to count the number of times I was blamed for everything that went wrong in the relationship with my ex.....
I know it is so hard not to feel hurt by this man's behavior. But this is who he is....and, my hope for you is that you will someday realize that this is a very sick individual and his poor treatment of you is not because of anything you have said or done......
May I suggest you take him at his word? Here's what I might do....
I would say: Ok, so and so....I feel you have made it perfectly clear that you don't wish to reconcile, so I don't see the point of rehashing what went wrong during our marriage....
After you say this to him, I wouldn't be surprised if he starts to rant and rave at you, in which case, all you need to do is walk away.....
You owe him absolutely nothing.......and, he's going to try to make you feel sorry for him...Do not, I repeat, do not fall for it.....
I haven't read your previous posts, but just based on this one thread alone, this guy sounds extremely self-absorbed and probably isn't totally aware of how obnoxious he is being, but...still, this does not mean you need to put up with this nonsense a second longer.....
I'm sure you are a very caring and thoughtful person, (most of us on her are..) but when it comes to him, treating him with indifference is going to serve you now and in the long run as you begin to dissolve your relationship with him....
I'm not sure if you're ready to do this or not, but have you considered serving him with divorce papers?
Remember, no matter how desperate a situation may seem, there is ALWAYS a way out.....
Maybe you can try to find an attorney who will do this for you Pro-bono....
I'm not sure how it works in your state, but here in NJ, attorneys are required to do a certain number of pro-bono hours per year....
Btw, I am so glad to see you have a new screen name....
Even if you marry again some day, you belong to no one.....
Changing your screen name is the first step you have taken to empower yourself once again...
Go for yours!
Linda
"I stupidly listened to your message. Ok so MY last text broke the camels back for YOU? Really? Ok! Because when have you even started to honor the commitment if marriage you made to me to even have the audacity to say it is now over for you? Because, as I stated, I know you don't care if I live or die. You don't take care of me physically, emotionally , financially, sexually, spiritually. And yet it is ALL my fault! Ok. Tell me something I don't know. I told you that I already know you don't love me and don't want me. So not quite sure why you just reiterated what I had already told you I knew. Yes I know you DON'T LOVE ME! I know you want nothing to do with me. You have made that clear. You have also made clear it is ALL my fault and what a "piece of ****" I am. And that I am a horrible person. Yes yes yes! I have heard you and that is what I've been telling you. I know and understand you feel that way. I finally have stopped lying to myself that all I that is just my insecurity and I've quit lying to myself that you may be able to love me if I was just a little more of anything everything. Because I know the truth that I am nothing in your eyes and heart and never will be. But if it makes you feel better to continue to kick me and make sure I know just how much pain you can put me through and how much rejection I can take from you then go ahead if that makes you feel like a man. And if you need to continue to hurt me just keep doing what you are doing! You hate me! I get it! You just want me to disappear and you wish I was never born, I get that also!"
Ugh! I am going to try and figure out a way to at least get a new phone and not engage with him anymore.[/QUOTE]
In response to your question, it's not at all uncommon to "react" to the Alcoholics behavior, so don't think you're the only one who has done this....
It took me a LONG time to unlearn this behavior and I must say it has served me quite well when I choose to respond to a situation instead of reacting to it....
As I read through your response to him, I get the feeling that you are trying to get some kind of validation from him and I am sorry to say that is never going to happen with him....
I can't even begin to count the number of times I was blamed for everything that went wrong in the relationship with my ex.....
I know it is so hard not to feel hurt by this man's behavior. But this is who he is....and, my hope for you is that you will someday realize that this is a very sick individual and his poor treatment of you is not because of anything you have said or done......
May I suggest you take him at his word? Here's what I might do....
I would say: Ok, so and so....I feel you have made it perfectly clear that you don't wish to reconcile, so I don't see the point of rehashing what went wrong during our marriage....
After you say this to him, I wouldn't be surprised if he starts to rant and rave at you, in which case, all you need to do is walk away.....
You owe him absolutely nothing.......and, he's going to try to make you feel sorry for him...Do not, I repeat, do not fall for it.....
I haven't read your previous posts, but just based on this one thread alone, this guy sounds extremely self-absorbed and probably isn't totally aware of how obnoxious he is being, but...still, this does not mean you need to put up with this nonsense a second longer.....
I'm sure you are a very caring and thoughtful person, (most of us on her are..) but when it comes to him, treating him with indifference is going to serve you now and in the long run as you begin to dissolve your relationship with him....
I'm not sure if you're ready to do this or not, but have you considered serving him with divorce papers?
Remember, no matter how desperate a situation may seem, there is ALWAYS a way out.....
Maybe you can try to find an attorney who will do this for you Pro-bono....
I'm not sure how it works in your state, but here in NJ, attorneys are required to do a certain number of pro-bono hours per year....
Btw, I am so glad to see you have a new screen name....
Even if you marry again some day, you belong to no one.....
Changing your screen name is the first step you have taken to empower yourself once again...
Go for yours!
Linda
"I stupidly listened to your message. Ok so MY last text broke the camels back for YOU? Really? Ok! Because when have you even started to honor the commitment if marriage you made to me to even have the audacity to say it is now over for you? Because, as I stated, I know you don't care if I live or die. You don't take care of me physically, emotionally , financially, sexually, spiritually. And yet it is ALL my fault! Ok. Tell me something I don't know. I told you that I already know you don't love me and don't want me. So not quite sure why you just reiterated what I had already told you I knew. Yes I know you DON'T LOVE ME! I know you want nothing to do with me. You have made that clear. You have also made clear it is ALL my fault and what a "piece of ****" I am. And that I am a horrible person. Yes yes yes! I have heard you and that is what I've been telling you. I know and understand you feel that way. I finally have stopped lying to myself that all I that is just my insecurity and I've quit lying to myself that you may be able to love me if I was just a little more of anything everything. Because I know the truth that I am nothing in your eyes and heart and never will be. But if it makes you feel better to continue to kick me and make sure I know just how much pain you can put me through and how much rejection I can take from you then go ahead if that makes you feel like a man. And if you need to continue to hurt me just keep doing what you are doing! You hate me! I get it! You just want me to disappear and you wish I was never born, I get that also!"
Ugh! I am going to try and figure out a way to at least get a new phone and not engage with him anymore.[/QUOTE]
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you Diva76! I am going to try what you suggested. And you are absolutely correct, I am trying to get validation from him. I didn't realize it until you said it. But that is exactly what I was doing. Thank you!
Here's one for you...
I used to try seeking validation from my narcissistic ex...
So, I truly understand your frustration!
Whenever you need validation, just write to one of us
We're rooting for you......
Dear New Beginnings I so know how you feel! I am a couple of months ahead of you having split with my alcoholic husband.
I was his emotional punchbag, blaming me for everything. He tried to take me down with him and very nearly succeeded. The more I tried to placate him the worse he got. He then turned even worse and started saying the most vitriolic awful things, just as your husband is doing. Mine was wish he had never met me more than 20 years ago, I am his worst nightmare blah blah blah! I think he must have emotionally stabbed me more than a thousand times.
I could take no more and he moved out after the most awful argument..he had stayed in a hotel for the previous 2 nights and I was highly suspicious of what he was doing (alcoholic ex-girlfriend...). He then called me her in a moment of passion in bed. Enough!
I was terrified about how I would cope and was in a very dark place. All my dreams for the future in tatters. However I want to offer you hope that you can do this and move on and start your recovery and that of your children. I am now feeling so much stronger and more emotionally detached. This site has helped so much.
I have deleted his phone number although he still sends from time to time the most awful provoking texts but I ignore them!. My silence is the most powerful tool I have. I have blocked his emails (easy to do) and blocked him on fb also easy. I am finding that this has helped me to detach myself emotionally from him. Hope you can find the strength to consider doing same?
I'm not ready to consider divorce yet..I'm focussing on getting myself stronger for me and the children. I am also doing a lot of reading up on alcoholism which is helping me to identify his behaviour and the effects on the family. That knowledge gives me power again!
I really hope this helps to know that in a couple of months or so you will be where I am looking back and realising that you are no longer being abused or suffering and neither are your children.
Keep posting as I really do identify with your situation and I'm hoping that in another couple of months I can say to you 'I am so over him!!!!'
xx
I was his emotional punchbag, blaming me for everything. He tried to take me down with him and very nearly succeeded. The more I tried to placate him the worse he got. He then turned even worse and started saying the most vitriolic awful things, just as your husband is doing. Mine was wish he had never met me more than 20 years ago, I am his worst nightmare blah blah blah! I think he must have emotionally stabbed me more than a thousand times.
I could take no more and he moved out after the most awful argument..he had stayed in a hotel for the previous 2 nights and I was highly suspicious of what he was doing (alcoholic ex-girlfriend...). He then called me her in a moment of passion in bed. Enough!
I was terrified about how I would cope and was in a very dark place. All my dreams for the future in tatters. However I want to offer you hope that you can do this and move on and start your recovery and that of your children. I am now feeling so much stronger and more emotionally detached. This site has helped so much.
I have deleted his phone number although he still sends from time to time the most awful provoking texts but I ignore them!. My silence is the most powerful tool I have. I have blocked his emails (easy to do) and blocked him on fb also easy. I am finding that this has helped me to detach myself emotionally from him. Hope you can find the strength to consider doing same?
I'm not ready to consider divorce yet..I'm focussing on getting myself stronger for me and the children. I am also doing a lot of reading up on alcoholism which is helping me to identify his behaviour and the effects on the family. That knowledge gives me power again!
I really hope this helps to know that in a couple of months or so you will be where I am looking back and realising that you are no longer being abused or suffering and neither are your children.
Keep posting as I really do identify with your situation and I'm hoping that in another couple of months I can say to you 'I am so over him!!!!'
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Martina12. Congratulations! And wow great job! You are an inspiration. I look forward to keeping up with you and hearing all of your success.
First, ok I cannot believe I am not the only one that has been called a different name during sex. My AH called me by his first wife's name. The second time he was on the phone with one of his buddies and he referred to the two of us and called me her name again. E didn't catch it. The buddy and I both did. The third time we were on a boat with a precious family and he introduced me as how wife. And then said her name. The woman looked at me as I shook my head and explained that was his first wife's name and then reintroduced myself. The fourth time was at the rehab place when he introduced me to another woman that was an A. He again said this is my wife, and said her name.
I wish he would move out and give me and my children peace. But he won't. He even pays for a hunting camp and pays the utilities etc at the cabin for himself. So he could go there. But, he stays here in my bed that I brought when I moved here. And I sleep on the floor every night. He is so creepy too. He will quietly walk in a room and just stand there and listen to my conversations with my kids or if I'm on the phone. Most of the time we know he is there. But when he first started doing it, it really startled us.
Anyway, thank you so much for your very kind and encouraging post!
I know you will do great! And again, i look forward to celebrating all I your successes! Thanks for the inspiration!
First, ok I cannot believe I am not the only one that has been called a different name during sex. My AH called me by his first wife's name. The second time he was on the phone with one of his buddies and he referred to the two of us and called me her name again. E didn't catch it. The buddy and I both did. The third time we were on a boat with a precious family and he introduced me as how wife. And then said her name. The woman looked at me as I shook my head and explained that was his first wife's name and then reintroduced myself. The fourth time was at the rehab place when he introduced me to another woman that was an A. He again said this is my wife, and said her name.
I wish he would move out and give me and my children peace. But he won't. He even pays for a hunting camp and pays the utilities etc at the cabin for himself. So he could go there. But, he stays here in my bed that I brought when I moved here. And I sleep on the floor every night. He is so creepy too. He will quietly walk in a room and just stand there and listen to my conversations with my kids or if I'm on the phone. Most of the time we know he is there. But when he first started doing it, it really startled us.
Anyway, thank you so much for your very kind and encouraging post!
I know you will do great! And again, i look forward to celebrating all I your successes! Thanks for the inspiration!
New Beginnings I did change the locks! stuff the law....he actually didn't dare contact the police!
I chucked his stuff out and packed all I could and parked it outside. Told him to get a removal van. Me and the children went away for a few days. The neighbours did a lot of net curtaining and did text me to check I was ok? I did allow him in one last time to collect anything I may of forgotten but he didn't take much else. Thankfully we kept the tv!
On the mobile phone front this is a source of control for him. Is there anyway you can get a pay as you go mobile? I know what its like to feel financially in dire straights...I cook lots of pasta and rice and have bared down to essentials. It is so important to keep your emotional sanity at a time like this for you and your children? If there is any way that you can get your own phone make this a priority so that he cannot continue to have a hold over you??
Thinking of you and sending you hope and strength in these difficult times x
I chucked his stuff out and packed all I could and parked it outside. Told him to get a removal van. Me and the children went away for a few days. The neighbours did a lot of net curtaining and did text me to check I was ok? I did allow him in one last time to collect anything I may of forgotten but he didn't take much else. Thankfully we kept the tv!
On the mobile phone front this is a source of control for him. Is there anyway you can get a pay as you go mobile? I know what its like to feel financially in dire straights...I cook lots of pasta and rice and have bared down to essentials. It is so important to keep your emotional sanity at a time like this for you and your children? If there is any way that you can get your own phone make this a priority so that he cannot continue to have a hold over you??
Thinking of you and sending you hope and strength in these difficult times x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
I had not thought about the pay as you go phone. I will look into that. Thank you.
The house is only in my AH name. the first time he left, I told him I was going to put all of his things into his truck and park it on the street for him and would have the rest delivered to him. He threatened me and told me not to date touch his things. He won't leave and the atty said I cannot do anything about him being here. He said if I changed the locks he could change them right back or keep changing them which would hurt the kids and I.
The only money I have is from the tiny child support my XH (the kids dad) gives me. My AH has stopped buying groceries and does not give me money. the child support does not cover all of my kids needs and so I don't do anything extra. But them being able to reach me in an emergency is a priority so I will check into pay as you go phone. Great idea thanks
The house is only in my AH name. the first time he left, I told him I was going to put all of his things into his truck and park it on the street for him and would have the rest delivered to him. He threatened me and told me not to date touch his things. He won't leave and the atty said I cannot do anything about him being here. He said if I changed the locks he could change them right back or keep changing them which would hurt the kids and I.
The only money I have is from the tiny child support my XH (the kids dad) gives me. My AH has stopped buying groceries and does not give me money. the child support does not cover all of my kids needs and so I don't do anything extra. But them being able to reach me in an emergency is a priority so I will check into pay as you go phone. Great idea thanks
I had not thought about the pay as you go phone. I will look into that. Thank you.
The house is only in my AH name. the first time he left, I told him I was going to put all of his things into his truck and park it on the street for him and would have the rest delivered to him. He threatened me and told me not to date touch his things. He won't leave and the atty said I cannot do anything about him being here. He said if I changed the locks he could change them right back or keep changing them which would hurt the kids and I.
The only money I have is from the tiny child support my XH (the kids dad) gives me. My AH has stopped buying groceries and does not give me money. the child support does not cover all of my kids needs and so I don't do anything extra. But them being able to reach me in an emergency is a priority so I will check into pay as you go phone. Great idea thanks
The house is only in my AH name. the first time he left, I told him I was going to put all of his things into his truck and park it on the street for him and would have the rest delivered to him. He threatened me and told me not to date touch his things. He won't leave and the atty said I cannot do anything about him being here. He said if I changed the locks he could change them right back or keep changing them which would hurt the kids and I.
The only money I have is from the tiny child support my XH (the kids dad) gives me. My AH has stopped buying groceries and does not give me money. the child support does not cover all of my kids needs and so I don't do anything extra. But them being able to reach me in an emergency is a priority so I will check into pay as you go phone. Great idea thanks
I just looked at their web page and I saw an AT&T for $19.99...
Maybe that would be an option to consider?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Diva76, thank you!!! I would have never thought if toys r u. I will look on the AT&T web site also. I guess there isn't a contract with pay as you go, even with AT&T?! I will look into that. Thank you for taking time to look this up and help me with ideas. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness!
Diva76, thank you!!! I would have never thought if toys r u. I will look on the AT&T web site also. I guess there isn't a contract with pay as you go, even with AT&T?! I will look into that. Thank you for taking time to look this up and help me with ideas. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness!
Just last week, I was a Toys R Us with a friend of mine and we were
both surprised when we discovered that they sold cell-phones in their electronics area....
You may also want to try Wal-Mart or Radio Shack
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
I remember when my oldest was in middle school, I bought her a firefly. It was prepaid and
I think had five buttons four that you could program and one 911 button. I had forgotten about that. I bought it at target. Thank you!
I think had five buttons four that you could program and one 911 button. I had forgotten about that. I bought it at target. Thank you!
Hi NB,
For what it's worth, I have often found that mean people (such as your husband) tend to treat those closest to them badly because of their own negative feelings about themselves. It doesn't by any means justify his treatment of you, but it's not a reflection of you as a person either. He treats you badly because he doesn't like himself! The big problem is that it wears on your self esteem and confidence. Don't let him do it to you!!
Hope this helps and you are feeling a little better.
For what it's worth, I have often found that mean people (such as your husband) tend to treat those closest to them badly because of their own negative feelings about themselves. It doesn't by any means justify his treatment of you, but it's not a reflection of you as a person either. He treats you badly because he doesn't like himself! The big problem is that it wears on your self esteem and confidence. Don't let him do it to you!!
Hope this helps and you are feeling a little better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you hopefulinFLA. Yes reading your post definitely helped. I need to keep rereading it! My head knows you are right but my insecurities tell me something different. I have begun asking people for help. I am trying to locate a home for my kids and me and letting everyone and anyone know I need a job, any job! So hopefully, I will be out of his grasp soon.
I won't survive if I have to endure this much longer. I don't think I have slept more than three hours total all week. And in sick to my stomach and cannot eat. My anxiety is out the roof. But with reading these forums and stickies, I feel better, and even for a second it helps!!
I won't survive if I have to endure this much longer. I don't think I have slept more than three hours total all week. And in sick to my stomach and cannot eat. My anxiety is out the roof. But with reading these forums and stickies, I feel better, and even for a second it helps!!
Thank you hopefulinFLA. Yes reading your post definitely helped. I need to keep rereading it! My head knows you are right but my insecurities tell me something different. I have begun asking people for help. I am trying to locate a home for my kids and me and letting everyone and anyone know I need a job, any job! So hopefully, I will be out of his grasp soon.
I won't survive if I have to endure this much longer. I don't think I have slept more than three hours total all week. And in sick to my stomach and cannot eat. My anxiety is out the roof. But with reading these forums and stickies, I feel better, and even for a second it helps!!
I won't survive if I have to endure this much longer. I don't think I have slept more than three hours total all week. And in sick to my stomach and cannot eat. My anxiety is out the roof. But with reading these forums and stickies, I feel better, and even for a second it helps!!
I'm really proud of you for being so proactive...
I know it's really hard when you're this upset, but please try to eat something...
Even if it's just a piece of fruit...
Now more than ever, it's so important that you continue to take care of yourself..
All the best,
Linda
I know just how you feel too NB. I know how hard it is to even concentrate on anything when you feel your world has crashed around you. I was where you are now 2 months ago. You will with small baby steps get to a better place I promise!
Prioritise what needs to be done. Make a list maybe? food for you and your children first? a roof over your heads? I think I have said that I couldn't and still can't face the legal stuff just yet.
Time is a great healer. I am starting to get a bit more done and feeling stronger for the little things that I can do. I'm able to deal with the children better and we are feeling much happier already. You will also get there...just hang in there.
Thinking of you and hoping that you get some much needed sleep and food. Your recovery although it may not feel like it is just beginning....
Prioritise what needs to be done. Make a list maybe? food for you and your children first? a roof over your heads? I think I have said that I couldn't and still can't face the legal stuff just yet.
Time is a great healer. I am starting to get a bit more done and feeling stronger for the little things that I can do. I'm able to deal with the children better and we are feeling much happier already. You will also get there...just hang in there.
Thinking of you and hoping that you get some much needed sleep and food. Your recovery although it may not feel like it is just beginning....
Thank you hopefulinFLA. Yes reading your post definitely helped. I need to keep rereading it! My head knows you are right but my insecurities tell me something different. I have begun asking people for help. I am trying to locate a home for my kids and me and letting everyone and anyone know I need a job, any job! So hopefully, I will be out of his grasp soon.
I won't survive if I have to endure this much longer. I don't think I have slept more than three hours total all week. And in sick to my stomach and cannot eat. My anxiety is out the roof. But with reading these forums and stickies, I feel better, and even for a second it helps!!
I won't survive if I have to endure this much longer. I don't think I have slept more than three hours total all week. And in sick to my stomach and cannot eat. My anxiety is out the roof. But with reading these forums and stickies, I feel better, and even for a second it helps!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)