He left me
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
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I just looked up gaslighting. Wow! That is what he does to me. Thank you to who posted about that. That is exactly what goes in and has gone on. And I doubt myself which allows him to be able to do this to me.
It is strange how I know how horrible he has treated me and yet I still have that hope that he will somehow see and understand what he is doing and change. It's just I have known him my entire life. I had invested everything in the fact that I would be married to him forever and that he could be a good husband to me. He was a good husband to his exwife, although the things he used to say about her he is saying about me.
It is strange how I know how horrible he has treated me and yet I still have that hope that he will somehow see and understand what he is doing and change. It's just I have known him my entire life. I had invested everything in the fact that I would be married to him forever and that he could be a good husband to me. He was a good husband to his exwife, although the things he used to say about her he is saying about me.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
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Hi yes it was me I think who mentioned 'gas lighting' and only because someone else on this site mentioned it to me! I know exactly where you are coming from, my husband who I have known for more than 20 years gas lighted me. I thought it was my fault....I have had and still do 'what have I done wrong?' maybe I could allow him to have unlimited vodka supplies maybe that would make it all ok again? am I being too harsh? am I imagining his affair? If I try harder I can make it all better again, maybe maybe maybe.....but the hard fact of the matter is that alcohol is their number one love. Nothing will come between them and alcohol. I still love my husband but despise his addiction. I am trying to accept that I have to let him go to his addiction and his brutal ending of our marriage. Its terribly hard to let go of your life long love and I can't imagine ever finding love again but as I read from another post 'better to live alone than with an alcoholic' Good luck we are on this site finding the most amazing support x
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by Richardswife 
And Dandilion, I don't have any strength. He just keeps going even when I am literally curled up in a ball in my closet (so no one hears me) crying uncontrollably he stills tells at me that he has not done anything wrong.
I don't know how to do this. I don't have any strength.
You CAN do this. You do have strength. We also have strength for you. Let him tell you until he is blue in the face that he has not done anything wrong. It does not matter what he thinks, you know and we know he has done wrong and that is all that matters.
Can someone please tell me how to block his calls and text.
I don't know how to do this. I don't have any strength.
You CAN do this. You do have strength. We also have strength for you. Let him tell you until he is blue in the face that he has not done anything wrong. It does not matter what he thinks, you know and we know he has done wrong and that is all that matters.
Can someone please tell me how to block his calls and text.
Then you can't answer his texts or calls.
You can't change the locks, but could you leave a key in the door from the inside so he cannot put his key in and open it? Are there any other doors that you can do this with?
Do you make sure all the windows are locked so he cannot climb in that way?
Once my partner realised I was not going to flop on the floor, cry and beg him to stay he started to get worried. He realised I was not the pushover he thought I was.
When he realised I had no interest in him, his new girlfriend, where they lived, what they did, he also became worried.
I was waiting for the next part of my life to begin. It took time, but i was generally excited about who i might meet. He had met his future. A woman he messed around with when i was 8 months pregnant, who was going through a divorce, who turned out to his disgust, was desperate to have a baby.
You probably have not thought about it yet, but are you not a teeny weeny bit excited where you might end up and who you might end up with. I am certainly not suggesting you go straight out and meet someone knew, but you can daydream a bit.
I used to occupy the hours on my own on an evening when my baby was in bed, by imagining what my new house might be like, room by room. That made me feel quite excited. I imagined my bedroom, my daughters bedroom, the little garden we would have.
It really did get to the point where I could not have cared less where he was and with who.
I enjoyed my own space, my own friends, not having to put up with his moods, his toilet habits, his snoring, him picking his scabby feet, loud eating, lack of money,loud voice when he was on the phone, leaving his underpants on the bedroom floor, his messiness..............i could go on for days and days.
Keep going.
You can do this.
I still wish you the best xxxx
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear RW, all of the "veterans" here on the forum are giving you their best advice from their own personal experience. I know you are considering it carefully and trying to figure how to apply it to yourself. Good.
I want to underline, again, how important it is that you contact the dv center again. I don't believe anyone, here, would disagree with the wisdom and value of that. They deal with these situations every day--and even worse, sometimes. They have experience and the connections and resources to help you. They can walk you through any of the steps that you decide to take. I know you were concerned about giving your name--but, they understand how to be very discreet.
You absolutely CAN get free from him and get back on your feet with your children--WITH THE HELP OF OTHER CARING PEOPLE. Domestic Violence counselors and alanon members will be that help. You will loose nothing by accepting the help that they exist to give you. Think of them as angels sent by God to guide you from this darkness. If you are not specifically religious--think of it as the Universe responding to your need.
My dear, you are being abused--and your children are, also, to the extent that they are witnessing it--and having to bear witness to their mother suffering. You are their mother and their protector and YOU decide what is the best for them. Having their mother hiding in the closet and crying is not in their best interest. Children are capable of being very resilient and adaptable as long as they know that you love them and are fighting for the good of your little family. Don't confuse having a nice house with security!! The community will pull together--alanon, dv center, social services and the local churches--if you will reach out and let them. You will receive what you need--but, you have to reach out and accept that help.
Yes, he is gaslighting you, and abusing you in several ways. The dv counselors will see that and they will understand what this has done to you, psychologically, over time. They can also find you a better lawyer who might be more sensitive to these issues than the one you saw.
We all understand more than you think we do about what you are going through---we are just talking super-straight, right now---because we realize that you need this kind of help, right now.
You are stronger than you think--and, you will come to realize that this is true.
Keep posting and letting us know how it is going. We all care about you!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
I want to underline, again, how important it is that you contact the dv center again. I don't believe anyone, here, would disagree with the wisdom and value of that. They deal with these situations every day--and even worse, sometimes. They have experience and the connections and resources to help you. They can walk you through any of the steps that you decide to take. I know you were concerned about giving your name--but, they understand how to be very discreet.
You absolutely CAN get free from him and get back on your feet with your children--WITH THE HELP OF OTHER CARING PEOPLE. Domestic Violence counselors and alanon members will be that help. You will loose nothing by accepting the help that they exist to give you. Think of them as angels sent by God to guide you from this darkness. If you are not specifically religious--think of it as the Universe responding to your need.
My dear, you are being abused--and your children are, also, to the extent that they are witnessing it--and having to bear witness to their mother suffering. You are their mother and their protector and YOU decide what is the best for them. Having their mother hiding in the closet and crying is not in their best interest. Children are capable of being very resilient and adaptable as long as they know that you love them and are fighting for the good of your little family. Don't confuse having a nice house with security!! The community will pull together--alanon, dv center, social services and the local churches--if you will reach out and let them. You will receive what you need--but, you have to reach out and accept that help.
Yes, he is gaslighting you, and abusing you in several ways. The dv counselors will see that and they will understand what this has done to you, psychologically, over time. They can also find you a better lawyer who might be more sensitive to these issues than the one you saw.
We all understand more than you think we do about what you are going through---we are just talking super-straight, right now---because we realize that you need this kind of help, right now.
You are stronger than you think--and, you will come to realize that this is true.
Keep posting and letting us know how it is going. We all care about you!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You need a new lawyer. You need someone who will advocate for you. You need someone who believes in you and will fight for you.
When we are weakened by intensive and chronic abuse by our alcoholic husbands, and yes, I was in a 20 year marriage like that, we cannot think straight. We have been systematically stripped of our self-esteem, our belief in our own competence, and, finally, our ability to take action by ourselves for our own (and our children's) behalf.
This is where you are. I hear your immense pain and anguish, and I can empathize so much.
The most important thing to do now, from my experience having run away from my abusive alcoholic husband over a year ago, is find strong and wise people who will support you and help you think straight.
It is essential that you call your domestic violence center. It is essential that you get to an Alanon meeting, or two or three until you find one that feels like home. Put the workmen on hold for an afternoon or morning. You are more important.
Besides being gaslighted, you are a victim of the Stockholm syndrome.
Get a copy of the book Co-Dependence No More by Melodie Beattie - it will start you on the path of understanding what is happening to you and how you are responding.
I am no lawyer, but I do not believe that you have no rights, no property, no options. Get a lawyer, get wise people to counsel you, and you'll soon find yourself, baby step by baby step, moving toward freedom.
My story is a post on a wonderful thread that English Garden started called "What is abuse" It is a "sticky" - a permanent thread with useful information that is located at the top of the Friends and Families thread index page.
I made it out, and you can too.
We're here for you 24/7, post as often as you want and need,
ShootingStar1
When we are weakened by intensive and chronic abuse by our alcoholic husbands, and yes, I was in a 20 year marriage like that, we cannot think straight. We have been systematically stripped of our self-esteem, our belief in our own competence, and, finally, our ability to take action by ourselves for our own (and our children's) behalf.
This is where you are. I hear your immense pain and anguish, and I can empathize so much.
The most important thing to do now, from my experience having run away from my abusive alcoholic husband over a year ago, is find strong and wise people who will support you and help you think straight.
It is essential that you call your domestic violence center. It is essential that you get to an Alanon meeting, or two or three until you find one that feels like home. Put the workmen on hold for an afternoon or morning. You are more important.
Besides being gaslighted, you are a victim of the Stockholm syndrome.
Get a copy of the book Co-Dependence No More by Melodie Beattie - it will start you on the path of understanding what is happening to you and how you are responding.
I am no lawyer, but I do not believe that you have no rights, no property, no options. Get a lawyer, get wise people to counsel you, and you'll soon find yourself, baby step by baby step, moving toward freedom.
My story is a post on a wonderful thread that English Garden started called "What is abuse" It is a "sticky" - a permanent thread with useful information that is located at the top of the Friends and Families thread index page.
I made it out, and you can too.
We're here for you 24/7, post as often as you want and need,
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Hi new beginnings.
Love the new handle! Sounds like a great mantra when you're feeling down.
I've been thinking about you and hoping that you're okay. How is everything going on your end? Hope you're having a good day, and feeling better.
Love the new handle! Sounds like a great mantra when you're feeling down.
I've been thinking about you and hoping that you're okay. How is everything going on your end? Hope you're having a good day, and feeling better.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I too love the new name. Good choice!
Hon, what I am thinking is NOT judgment about you, its that I KNOW you can make different choices from this point forward. You CAN choose to handle him differently, in a way that saves your own sanity and protects your emotional well-being.
Good - it takes practice to get it right. If you set him off, it isn't your fault or responsibility.
So stop letting those buttons work. That is 100% within your control.
Detaching from his behavior and moods means having some compassion...this above is a good first start. You already know this man is doing the best he can with what he has to work with. So instead of engaging with him, remember this, smile, and go do something else. If he follows you, distract him. Change the subject. Get in the car and drive away. But keep reminding yourself this is the best he can do.
Visualize it if that helps. Put up a wall in your mind and say to yourself - what he is saying is all a projection. Poor guy feels lousy, so he is trying too make me feel lousy too. I know this, but I don't have to respond to it. This time, I choose to be peaceful rather than right.
We've all felt this, but its not true. And rationally you already know this. But your own addict voice creeps in and tells you you are not good enough and not worthy of a man who actually respects you and treats you with kindness. Truth is - you have NO CONTROL over how he (or anyone else, for that matter) chooses to act. That is their responsibility. You are only responsible for how YOU act.
Here's one of the biggest issues that can be the easiest to change. STOP thinking you are the cause of people's meanness. Start viewing other people's meanness as a reflection of THEM, not YOU.
When someone acts inappropriately, my first thought is "what is going on in their lives to make them act so poorly?". I refuse to take it personally, because it isn't about me.
And instead of viewing us "veterans" as being frustrated with you because you feel the way you do, view it as you have something you can learn from people who have been right where you are today. When you change your mindset, the tone of the posts here magically change. Mean people magically start leaving you alone more often. The world looks different when we change the way we look at it. Trust me. This is something you most certainly can do, if you decide to.
Reach deep down inside and find your self respect and desire to live a great life. No, a fantastic life. And go make it happen. It won't be easy, but it isn't impossible. And you deserve it.
Peace,
~T
If I was reading my posts, I would be thinking the same things. I know it is frustrating for people that have been through this and can easily see what needs to happen.
I did try and practice detachment on Sunday and this is what set him off.
I tried not to engage with him but he beats me down and knows exactly what to say to make me break. I know everyone on here probably thinks he knows what he is doing but I think this abusive controlling behavior is all he knows.
This has gone in in his family for generations. And I think it is the only learned behavior as a husband he knows.
I just don't know how to be strong and put up walls where he is concerned.
I'm just really hurt and feel rejected and abandoned by the person that told me they would always love me and take care of me. And I think I am doing things to cause this.
When anyone says mean things I crumble. But especially my AH, it is like someone throws a knife in my heart, punches me in the stomach and chokes me all at the same time.
When someone acts inappropriately, my first thought is "what is going on in their lives to make them act so poorly?". I refuse to take it personally, because it isn't about me.
And instead of viewing us "veterans" as being frustrated with you because you feel the way you do, view it as you have something you can learn from people who have been right where you are today. When you change your mindset, the tone of the posts here magically change. Mean people magically start leaving you alone more often. The world looks different when we change the way we look at it. Trust me. This is something you most certainly can do, if you decide to.
Reach deep down inside and find your self respect and desire to live a great life. No, a fantastic life. And go make it happen. It won't be easy, but it isn't impossible. And you deserve it.
Peace,
~T
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
When someone acts inappropriately, my first thought is "what is going on in their lives to make them act so poorly?". I refuse to take it personally, because it isn't about me.
I have worked on that a lot! It is very hard for me to not take some things personally. I learned to think "I need a QTip" (Quit Taking It Personally). It makes me smile because I also imagine sticking a QTip in each ear so I don't hear the quacking. OK. It might be a little crazy...but it has worked for me.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 08-29-2013 at 04:01 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Florence
I want to second Carlotta's instincts here: Change the locks.
I'm not sure what rights she has as the abandoned spouse regarding the house?
May I suggest running this by an attorney before you do anything?
Based on what I've read thus far....it sounds like he did you the biggest favor...
It may take a while to bounce back from a situation like this, but it IS possible....
You have time on your side....
He in the other hand, sounds like a train wreck....
You'll be doing yourself as well as your children a favor by getting and staying far away from him...
I'm not sure how old your children are, but kids have an amazing intuition about them, so I wouldn't be surprised if they're already suspect about t
your husband's poor behavior and whereabouts....
I wish you the very best...
Linda
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Tuftgirl, thank you for your posts. Let me please clarify hat I do not think anyone on this site is being mean. I appreciate and value the wisdom and experiences that people share. I have learned a great deal about myself, my AH's disease, codependence, etc.
I know I am very early in my healing process. That is why I have posted to learn from other people that have been through this. I know I can learn something from everyone that I cross paths with.
I appreciate your input and will definitely keep your suggestions at the forefront of my mind.
I know I am very early in my healing process. That is why I have posted to learn from other people that have been through this. I know I can learn something from everyone that I cross paths with.
I appreciate your input and will definitely keep your suggestions at the forefront of my mind.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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newbeginnings, please continue to post and let us help you as you progress along. That is what we are here for--to help each other. Our compassion comes from the fact that we have all walked in each other's shoes in one way or another. Don't forget that you help others who will draw strength and hope from your journey--you will help them see that they are not alone, either!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...
dandylion
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Update: AH is back. I still have his ring. He asked for it maybe once or twice. But that was when he first came back. I say he is back, but only in that he sleeps here. During the day he is doing this or that. Goes to AA meeting and runs lots of errands that take all day. In the afternoon/ evening he goes to his intensive outpatient rehab meeting for four hours or more. I have been trying to keep my distance and so my own thing away from the part if the house he is in. He sleeps in the bed and I have been sleeping on the floor in an upstairs room for most nights, for the past few years. He snores and promises to go to a sleep study the psychiatrist prescribed for him. But he always cancels and has yet to go. He issues he wants to be married to me now and I told him we needed to go get help from the therapist we were seeing before his latest round of inpatient rehab. I told him this last week. He said he would make the appointment. No appointment yet. Tonight he said his rehab counselor was asking him about things at home, etc and wanted the therapist name and contact info. This struck me funny, because it is a therapist we are going to for marriage therapy. I have never met his rehab counselor, but cannot imagine why she would need to talk with "our" marriage therapist. At the rehab place they have family night two nights a week. He has never asked me to go when family sits with the alcoholic or addict, which is Tuesday. Thursday is when family goes and has a separate meeting similar to al anon. He only asked me today at 4:30 if I wanted to go in an hour and meet him there. I didn't go. I had been working on the house things all day and hasn't showered. Plus the time he is at these meetings the house is so calm and peaceful and the kids and I can talk and be together. I did ask him if he wanted me to go in the future to please let me know ahead of time if possible. Last time he was in the iop rehab there, I went to the family Thursday night thing twice. The last time was when he introduced me by his exwife's name. And this is the same program that he drank while he was in rehab the entire time and they had no clue.
He is extremely secretive. He keeps his phone with him 24 hours a day. He never used to do this. And tonight on the phone, he told me he was leaving early in the AM to go work 3 1/2 hours away. I asked when he found out about having to go out of town and he said this afternoon. So my thought was why was he just telling me this now??? He is so cold most of the time and I have put up major walls. I can barely look at him. And like I said I purposely stay away from him. Tonight he said he would call me at break. He texted me instead. I just don't trust him at all. And that is the biggest issue for me. No trust.
He is extremely secretive. He keeps his phone with him 24 hours a day. He never used to do this. And tonight on the phone, he told me he was leaving early in the AM to go work 3 1/2 hours away. I asked when he found out about having to go out of town and he said this afternoon. So my thought was why was he just telling me this now??? He is so cold most of the time and I have put up major walls. I can barely look at him. And like I said I purposely stay away from him. Tonight he said he would call me at break. He texted me instead. I just don't trust him at all. And that is the biggest issue for me. No trust.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
I guess that he left me physically a week or so ago ad now he has left me emotionally and every other way. He is already gone. He is only here physically to have somewhere to sleep when he wants. It has nothing to do with me or our marriage. Ugh why do I keep falling for he same thing and only seeing what I wish were the reality and not the true reality. And why do I know in my head to not get caught up or care, but it still hurts so much. And the rejection still stings and crushes me. Ok in going to go read codependent no more, NOW!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
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Hi NB,
I think it's only natural to feel the way you do. I'm sure you went into this marriage with lots of love in your heart and dreams for the future. You can't turn those feelings off like a light switch, it takes time. It takes time for your heart to catch up to your head.
Be patient with your self and keep reading and posting. We want to hear from you!
I think it's only natural to feel the way you do. I'm sure you went into this marriage with lots of love in your heart and dreams for the future. You can't turn those feelings off like a light switch, it takes time. It takes time for your heart to catch up to your head.
Be patient with your self and keep reading and posting. We want to hear from you!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you HopefulinFLA. I wish I was able to go on and not hurt. I know it will take time. This was the person I had thought I loved for my entire life. my first declaration that I was going to marry him one day was at age 8. So it took me 41 years to get to this point. I would imagine it will probably take at least that long to stop having feelings for him. Or at least for the him I had built him up to be. The man I am married to looks like the man I fell in love with, has the same name and same foo, but it definitely is not the man I fell in love with. It is a stranger that has abused, and neglected me and takes pride and joy in hurting me, manipulating me, lying to me, and making sure I know exactly how much he hates me. So that stranger, I am already over. It's just the other I am struggling to get over.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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new beginnings--I am here to tell you that you WILL get over it. I did; countless others on this forum did---therefore, I know you can and will.
I think you are absolutely right--that you are grieving the fantasy that you had for such a long time. And, yes, grief takes it's own time--but, it does. finally pass. Hell, we even miss our enemies. for a while, after they leave!!! (LOL).
I think you have already started to detach in some ways, already. I believe that the very most important thing for you, now, is to continue you detachment work and work on building your own self up. The way to rid your life of the abuse and manipulation and lies is to build your own self up and take back your own power.
Go to alanon--and also, see what the dv counselors have as resources for you--especially employment and job training. (read my past posts about reaching out for the help that is there).
I am so glad to see you back!!! Actually, I don't blame you for not trusting him.
Do you know who you can trust?---YOU!!!!
By the way, "co-dependent no more helped me sooo much".
dandylion
I think you are absolutely right--that you are grieving the fantasy that you had for such a long time. And, yes, grief takes it's own time--but, it does. finally pass. Hell, we even miss our enemies. for a while, after they leave!!! (LOL).
I think you have already started to detach in some ways, already. I believe that the very most important thing for you, now, is to continue you detachment work and work on building your own self up. The way to rid your life of the abuse and manipulation and lies is to build your own self up and take back your own power.
Go to alanon--and also, see what the dv counselors have as resources for you--especially employment and job training. (read my past posts about reaching out for the help that is there).
I am so glad to see you back!!! Actually, I don't blame you for not trusting him.
Do you know who you can trust?---YOU!!!!
By the way, "co-dependent no more helped me sooo much".
dandylion
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