He left me
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
You said you have access to one account, can he get at that money too? If so you need to open another account in your name only and get some money into it asap.
What did the lawyer say?
We are here to help and listen, so please write when you can.
What did the lawyer say?
We are here to help and listen, so please write when you can.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
RW, First I refuse to call you by your sign in name. Maybe come up with something else, please.
I knew that he would be back. He is trying to control you. He wants you to agree with whatever he wants to do, and still give him whatever he wants. I have been there done that. It really is sickening.
Call your DV shelter, find out what help they can offer. How old are your children? Do you receive child support for them. Give us some more info, and we can help you brainstorm through this. We don't need location. Just more like childrens age and sex of children, we are all her for you. Lean on us, till you can lean on you.
Edited to add a PS ---- I am really happy that you came back here to tell us that he came back. I also belonged to a forum for abuse, and it got so bad, and he kept coming back and I became embarrassed to post that. You are really strong. Just keep coming back. We are here for you no matter how many times he may leave and come back. Remember sometimes, it is baby steps.
I knew that he would be back. He is trying to control you. He wants you to agree with whatever he wants to do, and still give him whatever he wants. I have been there done that. It really is sickening.
Call your DV shelter, find out what help they can offer. How old are your children? Do you receive child support for them. Give us some more info, and we can help you brainstorm through this. We don't need location. Just more like childrens age and sex of children, we are all her for you. Lean on us, till you can lean on you.
Edited to add a PS ---- I am really happy that you came back here to tell us that he came back. I also belonged to a forum for abuse, and it got so bad, and he kept coming back and I became embarrassed to post that. You are really strong. Just keep coming back. We are here for you no matter how many times he may leave and come back. Remember sometimes, it is baby steps.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear RW---have you seen a lawyer since this turn of events? You will need legal advice based on today's status. You are still married--you still have certain rights. You need to know what those are.
Your best bet is Still to call the dv center---they have direct lines to all the resources that you are going to need to reclaim your life. They will help you without putting you in harms way.
I certainly do get it--you feel like you have been kicked in the gut by a horse. All of us who have been there understand what this is like. We also are familiar with what will serve you best, right now---our collective voices of experience (LOL). We will hold you up and prop you up and let you "borrow" our strength until you are finally able to claim your own power and run on your own steam. So many others, here, have been in your same shoes (or worse) and have their stories of survival to share. I, myself, am one of those.
As soon as you start with the first wobbly baby steps---you will start to feel better. Let those first two steps be a call to the dv center and a revisit to an attorney.
very sincerely, dandylion
Your best bet is Still to call the dv center---they have direct lines to all the resources that you are going to need to reclaim your life. They will help you without putting you in harms way.
I certainly do get it--you feel like you have been kicked in the gut by a horse. All of us who have been there understand what this is like. We also are familiar with what will serve you best, right now---our collective voices of experience (LOL). We will hold you up and prop you up and let you "borrow" our strength until you are finally able to claim your own power and run on your own steam. So many others, here, have been in your same shoes (or worse) and have their stories of survival to share. I, myself, am one of those.
As soon as you start with the first wobbly baby steps---you will start to feel better. Let those first two steps be a call to the dv center and a revisit to an attorney.
very sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
How do I block his calls and texts?
And he says he can come and go as he pleases because he owns the house. He is being verbally and emotionally abusive. And Dandilion, I don't have any strength. He just keeps going even when I am literally curled up in a ball in my closet (so no one hears me) crying uncontrollably he stills tells at me that he has not done anything wrong.
I don't know how to do this. I don't have any strength.
I have all these workmen here in the house.
I just don't want to make the kids go to a shelter. My kids are older. I have a senior in high school and two that are in middle school. They would hate me if they have to leave their home and go to a shelter. They see some of the abuse but I think their security of the home is more important to them then me being in an abusive relationship.
That is why I wanted to try and skip that step. I want to provide a calm, secure environment for my kids. They don't interact with AH so it doesn't effect them, or at least they think it doesn't.
Can someone please tell me how to block his calls and text.
And he says he can come and go as he pleases because he owns the house. He is being verbally and emotionally abusive. And Dandilion, I don't have any strength. He just keeps going even when I am literally curled up in a ball in my closet (so no one hears me) crying uncontrollably he stills tells at me that he has not done anything wrong.
I don't know how to do this. I don't have any strength.
I have all these workmen here in the house.
I just don't want to make the kids go to a shelter. My kids are older. I have a senior in high school and two that are in middle school. They would hate me if they have to leave their home and go to a shelter. They see some of the abuse but I think their security of the home is more important to them then me being in an abusive relationship.
That is why I wanted to try and skip that step. I want to provide a calm, secure environment for my kids. They don't interact with AH so it doesn't effect them, or at least they think it doesn't.
Can someone please tell me how to block his calls and text.
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Originally Posted by amy55 
RW, First I refuse to call you by your sign in name. Maybe come up with something else, please.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 08-23-2013 at 08:51 AM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Location: Alabama
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Originally Posted by Florence
I want to second Carlotta's instincts here: Change the locks.
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RW, try to take things one day at a time, or one hour at a time if that is needed. You don't need to try to change everything right this very minute.
Breathe, get out of the closet (!), and take care of yourself. Stand up tall and proud, and give some thought to your best exit strategy. If you don't have the resources to leave now, what can you do right now to begin to build up those resources?
Practice detachment - because you already know his behavior is predictable. So expect it and stop being surprised by it. Stop fighting with him, stop engaging in his vitriol, and keep your emotional walls up.
People can only hurt us if we let them. Stop letting him.
Breathe, get out of the closet (!), and take care of yourself. Stand up tall and proud, and give some thought to your best exit strategy. If you don't have the resources to leave now, what can you do right now to begin to build up those resources?
Practice detachment - because you already know his behavior is predictable. So expect it and stop being surprised by it. Stop fighting with him, stop engaging in his vitriol, and keep your emotional walls up.
People can only hurt us if we let them. Stop letting him.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
You may need to call your cell phone co. and ask them how to block certain numbers and texts. I found the info on my cell cos. website when I needed to block someone.
Dr Phil says kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. I think that makes perfect sense. They need calm and stability and they dont sound like they are getting that in your current situation.
He's got you where he wants you, broken and crying in the closet. You need to find some starch for your backbone and working on improving things for yourself and your kids. Do you have someone all of you can stay with til you find your own place?
Maybe call the local shelter and ask if there is somewhere you can go, other than there, just to get you and the kids out of that house?
Dr Phil says kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. I think that makes perfect sense. They need calm and stability and they dont sound like they are getting that in your current situation.
He's got you where he wants you, broken and crying in the closet. You need to find some starch for your backbone and working on improving things for yourself and your kids. Do you have someone all of you can stay with til you find your own place?
Maybe call the local shelter and ask if there is somewhere you can go, other than there, just to get you and the kids out of that house?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
RW, this may or may not help, but have you attended any Alanon meetings? Do you have any contact lists from those? You need more support now than just an online forum; as others have said, you need the DV center, you need a lawyer, and you need some real live bodies to help you out.
If you have been to Alanon, now is the time to use those phone/email lists and get some support! If you have NOT been to Alanon, get thee hence, immediately if not sooner. Here's the link to the meeting guide http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
Again, please, please find some in-person, local help in addition to talking to us here at SR. And again, as another poster mentioned, take it one step at a time. Maybe make a list of things that need to be handled, not in any particular order but just as you think of them. Then start to slowly work thru them. You'll make progress, and you'll SEE that you're making progress. It feels like the roof just fell in now, but it will get better. You CAN do this.
My childhood was spent w/an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive stepfather. My mother said she never left him b/c she, like you, was not sure how she would provide for us. It would have been far, far better for all of us to have lived in a shelter than to come to adulthood as messed up as we were as a result of living with him. Take that for what it's worth when deciding about your children's future.
If you have been to Alanon, now is the time to use those phone/email lists and get some support! If you have NOT been to Alanon, get thee hence, immediately if not sooner. Here's the link to the meeting guide http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
Again, please, please find some in-person, local help in addition to talking to us here at SR. And again, as another poster mentioned, take it one step at a time. Maybe make a list of things that need to be handled, not in any particular order but just as you think of them. Then start to slowly work thru them. You'll make progress, and you'll SEE that you're making progress. It feels like the roof just fell in now, but it will get better. You CAN do this.
My childhood was spent w/an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive stepfather. My mother said she never left him b/c she, like you, was not sure how she would provide for us. It would have been far, far better for all of us to have lived in a shelter than to come to adulthood as messed up as we were as a result of living with him. Take that for what it's worth when deciding about your children's future.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Practice detachment - because you already know his behavior is predictable. So expect it and stop being surprised by it. Stop fighting with him, stop engaging in his vitriol, and keep your emotional walls up.
People can only hurt us if we let them. Stop letting him.
I just don't know how to be strong and put up walls where he is concerned. I can do it if I don't see him. I'm just really hurt and feel rejected and abandoned by the person that told me they would always love me and take care of me. And I think I am doing things to cause this. Like I said I am very codependant. I now realize that. And I am beginning to understand how this happened at a very early age to survive in my foo and I have been like this for 49 years.
When anyone says mean things I crumble. But especially my AH, it is like someone throws a knife in my heart, punches me in the stomach and chokes me all at the same time.
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Location: Alabama
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Thank you for sharing that with me honeypig. I have not been able to go to al anon since I found out my AH was an A. I have had this construction stuff and had to be here everyday all day dealing with this since May 2. I have printed out the meeting schedule. And am going to go as soon as I can.
I am having a hard time coming to terms that this is my reality. But it is. And I do need to ask for help. My foo does know what is going on and just ignored what I say and changes subject. They live six hours away. I hate to ask anyone for help or a "handout" such as a place to live, but AH is gone through the weekend and so maybe this should be the time to move out. Although the atty advised against me leaving. I asked if I could have a restraining order so that AH couldn't come to the house. He said no and then wanted me to tape conversations where he was being abusive. I told the atty that would put me in danger. But he said otherwise it is his word against mine.
I am having a hard time coming to terms that this is my reality. But it is. And I do need to ask for help. My foo does know what is going on and just ignored what I say and changes subject. They live six hours away. I hate to ask anyone for help or a "handout" such as a place to live, but AH is gone through the weekend and so maybe this should be the time to move out. Although the atty advised against me leaving. I asked if I could have a restraining order so that AH couldn't come to the house. He said no and then wanted me to tape conversations where he was being abusive. I told the atty that would put me in danger. But he said otherwise it is his word against mine.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
RichardsWife:
You posted before and you were worried you were a bad mother & now this. Who is the bad parent here? What kind of man does this to children or his wife? Please protect yourself & your children by doing the following immediately--Show Your Children What An Awesome, Bodacious Mother & Woman You Are--You Will Get through this.
1. All joint accounts--right now take half the money from each & setup an account in your name to have money for your children--immediately (except retirement accounts)
2. Interview 3 attorneys & pick the one that is best & will work with your financial situation the best right now.
3. Go to your family court right now and get full custody of your children--this is temporary & permanent will be established later but this sets the tone for:
4. Ask family court where to get the paperwork for child support and temporary assistance for you.
5. If you fear violence from him, next you go and request a temporary restraining order!
6.. Immediately see a trauma counselor who will guide you through this.
I know your heart is broken but you are a hero!-- Be a hero for your children and you will get through this.
You posted before and you were worried you were a bad mother & now this. Who is the bad parent here? What kind of man does this to children or his wife? Please protect yourself & your children by doing the following immediately--Show Your Children What An Awesome, Bodacious Mother & Woman You Are--You Will Get through this.
1. All joint accounts--right now take half the money from each & setup an account in your name to have money for your children--immediately (except retirement accounts)
2. Interview 3 attorneys & pick the one that is best & will work with your financial situation the best right now.
3. Go to your family court right now and get full custody of your children--this is temporary & permanent will be established later but this sets the tone for:
4. Ask family court where to get the paperwork for child support and temporary assistance for you.
5. If you fear violence from him, next you go and request a temporary restraining order!
6.. Immediately see a trauma counselor who will guide you through this.
I know your heart is broken but you are a hero!-- Be a hero for your children and you will get through this.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
RW,
I do understand how you feel. I couldn't get out of the fights either. It is like impossible. You can try your best not to respond, but then they take that as aggression, you can agree with them, and they will fight you for that, you can walk away from them and they will follow you.
Sometimes I needed to look at those times, esp. the ones that I did not participate in, and I realized that he was fighting with himself. I wasn't even in that war. It is crazy, it is crazy making. You are describing my ex to a T.
The one thing that I had to realize was that the reason I was listening was because I would have hope that he would realize that the whole thing was insane, and that he would stop, and he would apologize. Talk about wishful thinking !!!!!!!!! (lol)
My ex, stupid as he was told me why. He told me that he knew enough psycho babble and he would keep changing it until he would get a reaction out of me. He told me that when you are "at war" that you can do or say anything that you want to hurt the other person as much as you can, because they are the enemy. And then after "the war" is over you kiss any make up, because the war ended. This was during one of his lucid moments.
So, are they doing it purposely, my answer to this is yes. Do they understand why they do this??????? That's the big question........ My answer to that now, is that I just don't care because, He never did anything to stop it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I taped my ex plenty of times. I started it before I was in the room with him, and then I just let him go on and on and on. I never did use this for court, but I did play it for his therapist, and for my lawyer, so that they knew what I was dealing with.
I did check out Alabama, and it is legal as long as one party is consenting to it.
I do understand how you feel. I couldn't get out of the fights either. It is like impossible. You can try your best not to respond, but then they take that as aggression, you can agree with them, and they will fight you for that, you can walk away from them and they will follow you.
Sometimes I needed to look at those times, esp. the ones that I did not participate in, and I realized that he was fighting with himself. I wasn't even in that war. It is crazy, it is crazy making. You are describing my ex to a T.
The one thing that I had to realize was that the reason I was listening was because I would have hope that he would realize that the whole thing was insane, and that he would stop, and he would apologize. Talk about wishful thinking !!!!!!!!! (lol)
My ex, stupid as he was told me why. He told me that he knew enough psycho babble and he would keep changing it until he would get a reaction out of me. He told me that when you are "at war" that you can do or say anything that you want to hurt the other person as much as you can, because they are the enemy. And then after "the war" is over you kiss any make up, because the war ended. This was during one of his lucid moments.
So, are they doing it purposely, my answer to this is yes. Do they understand why they do this??????? That's the big question........ My answer to that now, is that I just don't care because, He never did anything to stop it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I taped my ex plenty of times. I started it before I was in the room with him, and then I just let him go on and on and on. I never did use this for court, but I did play it for his therapist, and for my lawyer, so that they knew what I was dealing with.
I did check out Alabama, and it is legal as long as one party is consenting to it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by Richardswife
I asked if I could have a restraining order so that AH couldn't come to the house. He said no and then wanted me to tape conversations where he was being abusive. I told the atty that would put me in danger. But he said otherwise it is his word against mine.
I have seen it mentioned here on several occasions that taping conversations w/o the other party's knowledge is illegal in many states. One would think an attorney would know if this was legal or not, but I guess I'd want a second opinion before trying it.
I think Flicka is right, interview a couple of lawyers and then make a decision. It might take more time, but think of what's at stake.
Edited to add: I was posting while Amy was posting too, did not see her comment about checking on Alabama law for recording conversations.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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It varies from state to state, what's legal in terms of taping conversations. In the majority of states, only one party to the conversation needs to know it is being taped and consent to the taping. But in some states, BOTH parties must know it is being taped and consent to the taping. And the laws can be very murky in terms of enforcement. I totally agree that getting a lawyer's advice is the best course of action on that issue.
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If I can offer my thoughts from the other side of the fence.....I have been married to a great guy for 16 years, and have a wonderful 8 year old. i decided to go to rehab on my own.
I have a lot to lose, and it sounds like your husband does too. Unfortunately, I think a lot of drunks become bullies, I know I did. Even if your husband is not demonstrating it I think he is probably very aware of his character defects. As long as you let him, he will probably continue to ride roughshod over you. I think to start making choices that aren't against him, but for you, will be the thing that saves the marriage.
I think you need to be able to know YOU CAN leave. It might be your choice to stay, if he works within a framework that is acceptable to you. Operating from a position of strength is a win-win. If you decide to stay with him it will be on terms that are acceptable to you.
Alcoholics who are not in recovery are big babies. I know. We are all talk and no action. If my husband had given me ultimatums and I had seen that he was ready to leave me, and I stood losing both he and my daughter, it would have probably been enough to scare me straight. But you can't do it to manipulate him.
As difficult as it might be for your children, you are demonstrating to them that they have a right to expect to be treated with love and kindness. You sound like a wonderful mother and person, and my heart aches at the image of you crying in the closet.
Take you own power back. This is not about whether he will leave you, this is about whether you know you deserve more. You do!
I have a lot to lose, and it sounds like your husband does too. Unfortunately, I think a lot of drunks become bullies, I know I did. Even if your husband is not demonstrating it I think he is probably very aware of his character defects. As long as you let him, he will probably continue to ride roughshod over you. I think to start making choices that aren't against him, but for you, will be the thing that saves the marriage.
I think you need to be able to know YOU CAN leave. It might be your choice to stay, if he works within a framework that is acceptable to you. Operating from a position of strength is a win-win. If you decide to stay with him it will be on terms that are acceptable to you.
Alcoholics who are not in recovery are big babies. I know. We are all talk and no action. If my husband had given me ultimatums and I had seen that he was ready to leave me, and I stood losing both he and my daughter, it would have probably been enough to scare me straight. But you can't do it to manipulate him.
As difficult as it might be for your children, you are demonstrating to them that they have a right to expect to be treated with love and kindness. You sound like a wonderful mother and person, and my heart aches at the image of you crying in the closet.
Take you own power back. This is not about whether he will leave you, this is about whether you know you deserve more. You do!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by Flicka57
RichardsWife:
You posted before and you were worried you were a bad mother & now this. Who is the bad parent here? What kind of man does this to children or his wife? Please protect yourself & your children by doing the following immediately--Show Your Children What An Awesome, Bodacious Mother & Woman You Are--You Will Get through this.
1. All joint accounts--right now take half the money from each & setup an account in your name to have money for your children--immediately (except retirement accounts)
2. Interview 3 attorneys & pick the one that is best & will work with your financial situation the best right now.
3. Go to your family court right now and get full custody of your children--this is temporary & permanent will be established later but this sets the tone for:
4. Ask family court where to get the paperwork for child support and temporary assistance for you.
5. If you fear violence from him, next you go and request a temporary restraining order!
6.. Immediately see a trauma counselor who will guide you through this.
I know your heart is broken but you are a hero!-- Be a hero for your children and you will get through this.
You posted before and you were worried you were a bad mother & now this. Who is the bad parent here? What kind of man does this to children or his wife? Please protect yourself & your children by doing the following immediately--Show Your Children What An Awesome, Bodacious Mother & Woman You Are--You Will Get through this.
1. All joint accounts--right now take half the money from each & setup an account in your name to have money for your children--immediately (except retirement accounts)
2. Interview 3 attorneys & pick the one that is best & will work with your financial situation the best right now.
3. Go to your family court right now and get full custody of your children--this is temporary & permanent will be established later but this sets the tone for:
4. Ask family court where to get the paperwork for child support and temporary assistance for you.
5. If you fear violence from him, next you go and request a temporary restraining order!
6.. Immediately see a trauma counselor who will guide you through this.
I know your heart is broken but you are a hero!-- Be a hero for your children and you will get through this.
The children are not his children and even though he supports them, he is not legally responsible for them or their insurance etc.
we only have one joint account and he does not out money in there, but I will go and take the money out of that today.
We do not have any true joint accounts. He never gives me cash or a check. I sometimes have to ask for money. But I usually use child support for groceries. He has been paying all of the bills and the house that we purchased together is only in his name. Because we have only been married for five years, I'm not entitled to anything. Most of the furniture is mine from my first marriage and my grandmother.
I live month to month only with the child support. And am able to make it work because the kids and I have had a "free place to live, with utilities paid for". I am waiting for him to shut off my phone at any time. And I doubt I can block his number when my phone is in his name also.
I really need to learn not to answer calls or read or respond to his nasty texts. I have gotten myself out if my closet. (Small steps) and have locked myself in a room upstairs. Maybe if I don't see him and don't respond then it won't hurt so badly. I just wish he could understand how much he is hurting me so maybe he would stop. I begged him to try and treat me as a friend if he wanted out and try and give me time to be able to take care of my kids and me. He just called. I didn't answer. His AA meeting must be over now. He is going to go sped the weekend away. I know he tells everyone how horrible I am etc. when I react and get upset (crying) by his treatment of me, I'm sure it plays into his hands of me being psycho for no reason and how nice and calm he is to have to put up with me.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
[QUOTE="jaynie04;4138666"]
I think you need to be able to know YOU CAN leave. It might be your choice to start, if he works within a framework that is acceptable to you. Operating from a position of strength is a win-win. If you decide to stay with him it will be on terms that are acceptable to
Thank you Jaynie04 for your insight into the mindset he may be having from the other side. If I could have left, I would have left a long time again. Years ago. But I can't and he knows I can't. And if I do now, I will give up any claim to any money from the house. I have talked to three attorneys. They all told me the house would be put up for sale and I should get half of the equity if there is any left. If I leave, I give up all rights to the house or any money from it.
But the kicker is, my AH told me to pay for all of the construction from the equity line of the house. I even had to reimburse myself with a check I write to myself and signed myself. I wonder if he is planning to make me look like I am doing this on purpose so he won't have to give me any money and I will have to find a way to pay him back???
I don't have anywhere I can go and no way to get there. That is why I needed to find a job. An with having to be here everyday with workmen while he comes and goes at a whim. I can't leave to get a job. Also, my kids need me to pick them up from school and activities in the afternoon. I am the only one that takes care of them physically. He never does anything for my kids beyond the insurance financial stuff. And we don't have family here and I don't have friends I can ask. I know people work full time and manage to take care of their children. And I have to find a job and figure out how to do that also.
I think you need to be able to know YOU CAN leave. It might be your choice to start, if he works within a framework that is acceptable to you. Operating from a position of strength is a win-win. If you decide to stay with him it will be on terms that are acceptable to
Thank you Jaynie04 for your insight into the mindset he may be having from the other side. If I could have left, I would have left a long time again. Years ago. But I can't and he knows I can't. And if I do now, I will give up any claim to any money from the house. I have talked to three attorneys. They all told me the house would be put up for sale and I should get half of the equity if there is any left. If I leave, I give up all rights to the house or any money from it.
But the kicker is, my AH told me to pay for all of the construction from the equity line of the house. I even had to reimburse myself with a check I write to myself and signed myself. I wonder if he is planning to make me look like I am doing this on purpose so he won't have to give me any money and I will have to find a way to pay him back???
I don't have anywhere I can go and no way to get there. That is why I needed to find a job. An with having to be here everyday with workmen while he comes and goes at a whim. I can't leave to get a job. Also, my kids need me to pick them up from school and activities in the afternoon. I am the only one that takes care of them physically. He never does anything for my kids beyond the insurance financial stuff. And we don't have family here and I don't have friends I can ask. I know people work full time and manage to take care of their children. And I have to find a job and figure out how to do that also.
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Posts: 1,303
You are not alone!
Hi I just wanted to say I know exactly how you are feeling...my AH walked out on me and my 2 young children 2 months ago. I went into a state of total shock and nose dived into a grief stricken mess. He blamed it all on me..I wouldn't allow him to drink vodka in the house...it was all my fault. I have taken things one day at a time. Allowed myself to cry when I wanted to, which for the first month felt like it was all the time. I haven't put any pressure on myself to sort anything out but I can honestly say that this is the second month and I am going for longer without crying (still haven't done a whole day yet!). This site has really helped me..I have found out about 'gas lighting' and am learning so much about this awful illness. Financially we are also in a mess but I am slowly getting myself together to figure out how I am going to manage to cope with the children. My advice would be take your time and slowly you will start to see glimmers of hope and find a way forward. Its good to know that we are not alone!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
"Gaslight" is an amazing movie, I highly recommend it. It shows how we can allow our reality to be manipulated, and how kind trusting people start to doubt their reality.
When alkies are deep in their cups, they try to drag others down into the dirt with them. The movie is about a truth sociopath with no conscience, however, active alcoholics are capable of wearing a lot of disguises. One does not need to be a sociopath to act with callous disregard for the pain they are causing. Often it will go on until the victim says enough.
Right now it sounds like Richard is a well that has run dry. The fact that you are in such a precarious place financially sounds to me as if he has not taken unconditional loving care of you. Of course he is going to badmouth you, it's what sick alcoholics do. Just because I say a car is red, when it is really blue, doesn't make it red. I would not worry for a second what he is saying about you, do you really think that people don't see right through him.
My hunch is that he needs to call you a psycho because he knows that he is such a mess himself. Don't go over to his side. Don't waste the energy worrying about what someone who is so sick right now is spewing. You will hear down the road, "we knew the whole time he was full of it". Just do the next right thing for yourself, no one can take that away from you.
When alkies are deep in their cups, they try to drag others down into the dirt with them. The movie is about a truth sociopath with no conscience, however, active alcoholics are capable of wearing a lot of disguises. One does not need to be a sociopath to act with callous disregard for the pain they are causing. Often it will go on until the victim says enough.
Right now it sounds like Richard is a well that has run dry. The fact that you are in such a precarious place financially sounds to me as if he has not taken unconditional loving care of you. Of course he is going to badmouth you, it's what sick alcoholics do. Just because I say a car is red, when it is really blue, doesn't make it red. I would not worry for a second what he is saying about you, do you really think that people don't see right through him.
My hunch is that he needs to call you a psycho because he knows that he is such a mess himself. Don't go over to his side. Don't waste the energy worrying about what someone who is so sick right now is spewing. You will hear down the road, "we knew the whole time he was full of it". Just do the next right thing for yourself, no one can take that away from you.
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