He left me
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Richard's Wife,
Today is the first day of the rest of your life... and nothing changes if nothing changes... and if you wring the alcohol out of SOME alcoholics all you have left is a sober ass hat!
Be GLAD that you are "seeing" the true character of what appears to be a jerk in the deepest part of who he is...he is a cad and is cruel and most of all... irresponsible if he truly plans on abandoning you and his children.
It's time to seriously move forward and get space between you and he while protecting yourself and your children. If there has been abuse then you can easily get a restraining order to keep him OUT of the marital home while also pursuing his paying for child support as well as for you if you haven't been working. He is in a BAD place and will be shocked when he consults an attorney on his position and responsibilities. Once he sees you are empowered and creating strong boundaries please expect a lot of serious "quacklng", recovery noises and even sweet nothings and declarations of love to woo you back into his web.
Personally I would tell him to "shut the duck up" but that's just me... you have to find your own path and we are just here to support YOU and your kids!
As for the house... don't worry a second about the mortgage payments as it will take a very, very long time before his failure to make payments impact you in any way. Apply for relief and food stamps and if you need to seek out emergency funds from charitable organizations in your area. Trust me that there are resources out there for emergencies such as this.
You can consult lawyers and there is often a free consult... talk to at least 3 about your circumstances as you want to find an attorney you have confidence in as once you retain them you are "married" to them too... divorces can me long, messy and draining. A good lawyer is like a cold drink of water on a hot day... get the right one.
If your hubby gave you the ring as a gift its yours... if you need cash go pawn it or sell it! When he asks for it back ... give him the address of the pawn shop!
You are in my prayers... never give up... never surrender... your freedom and new life is worth working towards one day at a time.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life... and nothing changes if nothing changes... and if you wring the alcohol out of SOME alcoholics all you have left is a sober ass hat!
Be GLAD that you are "seeing" the true character of what appears to be a jerk in the deepest part of who he is...he is a cad and is cruel and most of all... irresponsible if he truly plans on abandoning you and his children.
It's time to seriously move forward and get space between you and he while protecting yourself and your children. If there has been abuse then you can easily get a restraining order to keep him OUT of the marital home while also pursuing his paying for child support as well as for you if you haven't been working. He is in a BAD place and will be shocked when he consults an attorney on his position and responsibilities. Once he sees you are empowered and creating strong boundaries please expect a lot of serious "quacklng", recovery noises and even sweet nothings and declarations of love to woo you back into his web.
Personally I would tell him to "shut the duck up" but that's just me... you have to find your own path and we are just here to support YOU and your kids!
As for the house... don't worry a second about the mortgage payments as it will take a very, very long time before his failure to make payments impact you in any way. Apply for relief and food stamps and if you need to seek out emergency funds from charitable organizations in your area. Trust me that there are resources out there for emergencies such as this.
You can consult lawyers and there is often a free consult... talk to at least 3 about your circumstances as you want to find an attorney you have confidence in as once you retain them you are "married" to them too... divorces can me long, messy and draining. A good lawyer is like a cold drink of water on a hot day... get the right one.
If your hubby gave you the ring as a gift its yours... if you need cash go pawn it or sell it! When he asks for it back ... give him the address of the pawn shop!
You are in my prayers... never give up... never surrender... your freedom and new life is worth working towards one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Richardswife, I have nothing further to add to the great advice you've already received. You CAN get a job, there are programs in place to help you, and you WILL be OK. Please DO get to Alanon--you need all the support you can get right now. I can't even imagine how devastating it must have been to have something like this happen.
Regarding your comments about shame and how you are used to being the one handing out the help rather than the one accepting it, I'd like to say this: When you were volunteering, offering help, was it gratifying for you to do so? Did you think it helped you grow and deepen? Was it something you just felt good about doing b/c you knew there was a need? I bet all of those are true, right?
So give someone else a chance to experience those things now; give them a chance to give to you. By accepting the help of others, you allow them that same opportunity to grow, to feel needed, and that's a good thing too.
And maybe eventually consider a new name here--the current one only says who you are in relation to someone else. You need a name that says who you are in your own right!
Wishing you all the strength you need to get thru this, RW--you WILL make it, just keep trudging one step at a time. We are all there with you; you're not alone.
Regarding your comments about shame and how you are used to being the one handing out the help rather than the one accepting it, I'd like to say this: When you were volunteering, offering help, was it gratifying for you to do so? Did you think it helped you grow and deepen? Was it something you just felt good about doing b/c you knew there was a need? I bet all of those are true, right?
So give someone else a chance to experience those things now; give them a chance to give to you. By accepting the help of others, you allow them that same opportunity to grow, to feel needed, and that's a good thing too.
And maybe eventually consider a new name here--the current one only says who you are in relation to someone else. You need a name that says who you are in your own right!
Wishing you all the strength you need to get thru this, RW--you WILL make it, just keep trudging one step at a time. We are all there with you; you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Hi
I just wanted to offer my advice, even tough I am from the other side of the forum.
I hope you don't mind?
When my partner left me, I was in shock.
I had a 3 month old baby.
How you feel now, all the emotions you are feeling, that you are scared, will not be how you feel in 3 months, 6 months and a years time.
You will be become stronger like I did.
You will cope, like I did.
This will get better for you, like it did for me.
He cannot just exit out of your life.
We had a joint mortgage and joint financial things, even though he left the home we had to live somewhere secret with his new woman.
The best decision I made was to delete his numbers so I could not contact him.
At first if I felt sad, if something in the house went wrong, if I was angry I would ring or text to say he hard he had made my life.
Once I deleted his numbers, I just had to get on with it.
I did just that.
We had a mutual fried act as a go between for us if necessary.
Almost as soon as he left he texted her saying he thought he d made a huge mistake.
Don't rush to sort this out with him. Don't rush to make it better.
He has given you the opportunity to make new changes in your life.
See it as a way to improve you life.
You never have to dump him and feel bad about it, he has done that job for you.
If your parents will not help, ask your friends.
Show your parents and your kids how string you can fight. Make them surprised and proud.
Don't settle for poor support or bad behaviour.
I really do wish you the best. Xxxx
I just wanted to offer my advice, even tough I am from the other side of the forum.
I hope you don't mind?
When my partner left me, I was in shock.
I had a 3 month old baby.
How you feel now, all the emotions you are feeling, that you are scared, will not be how you feel in 3 months, 6 months and a years time.
You will be become stronger like I did.
You will cope, like I did.
This will get better for you, like it did for me.
He cannot just exit out of your life.
We had a joint mortgage and joint financial things, even though he left the home we had to live somewhere secret with his new woman.
The best decision I made was to delete his numbers so I could not contact him.
At first if I felt sad, if something in the house went wrong, if I was angry I would ring or text to say he hard he had made my life.
Once I deleted his numbers, I just had to get on with it.
I did just that.
We had a mutual fried act as a go between for us if necessary.
Almost as soon as he left he texted her saying he thought he d made a huge mistake.
Don't rush to sort this out with him. Don't rush to make it better.
He has given you the opportunity to make new changes in your life.
See it as a way to improve you life.
You never have to dump him and feel bad about it, he has done that job for you.
If your parents will not help, ask your friends.
Show your parents and your kids how string you can fight. Make them surprised and proud.
Don't settle for poor support or bad behaviour.
I really do wish you the best. Xxxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
I am sorry to hear about this and agree with it as being a manipulation tactic. The first thing you should do is some googling about divorce in your state. Ask some friends about a good lawyer. Most lawyers will talk to you and give you some advice at no charge. Depending on the state you live in determines the outcome. One thing I do know is that if you have not been working and he is the breadwinner and you have children and he has a problem with alcohol/substance abuse, you should get maintenance and child support/custody. Depending on how long you have been married will also have some affect on the outcome. But each state varies and each county of that state may vary so that is why it is important to contact an attorney for your peace of mind. Even if he changes his mind, at least you know where you stand if this happens again or when you are ready to move on. I wish you the best.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I haven't read all the responses, but agree with those I have read. I didn't see anyone else say it so...do you have access to the bank accounts? If so, I think you should make sure he hasn't cleaned them out and if he hasn't, take out as much money as you can. Then, go to a different bank and open an account in your name only. Of course, if he's already beaten you to it, that sucks, but it's certainly worth the trouble to get your hands on as much money as you can as soon as you can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I've always been super independent and had a job and money, but when I was with my ex from 22 to 33 yrs old, I left my job to start a business with him. Slowly I morphed into what he wanted (my fault not his) and lost all my independence.
By the time he left me for another woman, I was nothing. No job, no place to stay, no money for food.
I curled up in a ball for a few days and my Mom said "you have two choices, get up and fight or lay down and die"
I got a GREAT job a week later (I also had very few skills but this new job trained me and I was making good money) and I was determined to not let this destroy me. I came close to letting it destroy me and had to have many years of therapy after that.
But I worked, lived on my own for the first time ever and learned how to care for myself.
From that point on, I made a promise to myself that I would never rely on anyone but myself every again.
I know your pain is so great right now and I can so relate, but this pain and moment is a gift from the Universe (or if u believe in God) in order to find your true self.
TRUST ME, the abuse is not better than the pain your feeling now.
Your in a daze and will be for a while, but when those clouds open up, there is no going back.
I'm 47 now, and lived alone for 13 yrs (never had another of my boyfriend ever live with me) and changed my career and went to school while working full time to become a Naturopathic Doctor, if I can do it, anyone can
Here is a great quote I posted on my work page
"When the time comes for you to make a change, to grow, to do your life in a different way, the universe will make you so uncomfortable, so unhappy, you will eventually have no choice. If you insist on staying in a place you no longer belong in, if you do not grow the courage to do what is necessary to propel yourself forward, you will suffer the consequences, whatever they may be." ~Iyanla Vanzant~
By the time he left me for another woman, I was nothing. No job, no place to stay, no money for food.
I curled up in a ball for a few days and my Mom said "you have two choices, get up and fight or lay down and die"
I got a GREAT job a week later (I also had very few skills but this new job trained me and I was making good money) and I was determined to not let this destroy me. I came close to letting it destroy me and had to have many years of therapy after that.
But I worked, lived on my own for the first time ever and learned how to care for myself.
From that point on, I made a promise to myself that I would never rely on anyone but myself every again.
I know your pain is so great right now and I can so relate, but this pain and moment is a gift from the Universe (or if u believe in God) in order to find your true self.
TRUST ME, the abuse is not better than the pain your feeling now.
Your in a daze and will be for a while, but when those clouds open up, there is no going back.
I'm 47 now, and lived alone for 13 yrs (never had another of my boyfriend ever live with me) and changed my career and went to school while working full time to become a Naturopathic Doctor, if I can do it, anyone can
Here is a great quote I posted on my work page
"When the time comes for you to make a change, to grow, to do your life in a different way, the universe will make you so uncomfortable, so unhappy, you will eventually have no choice. If you insist on staying in a place you no longer belong in, if you do not grow the courage to do what is necessary to propel yourself forward, you will suffer the consequences, whatever they may be." ~Iyanla Vanzant~
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
RichardsWife, great advice here so far. I have nothing practical to add - and I assume once the complete shock wears off your survival instincts will kick in and take over. You are a smart woman - you will know what to do.
Many folks here have either been left or did the leaving, so you have lots of folks to lean on for support as you navigate these new waters. I think we can collectively say you will be ok. It doesn't feel like it now, but you will, down the road. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.
Keep your chin up and stay strong. This may be the best darn thing he has ever done for you - and someday you may end up looking at it as a gift. I know, hard to see right now, but remember my words and come back one day and tell me if it was true...
Prayers to you today,
~T
Many folks here have either been left or did the leaving, so you have lots of folks to lean on for support as you navigate these new waters. I think we can collectively say you will be ok. It doesn't feel like it now, but you will, down the road. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.
Keep your chin up and stay strong. This may be the best darn thing he has ever done for you - and someday you may end up looking at it as a gift. I know, hard to see right now, but remember my words and come back one day and tell me if it was true...
Prayers to you today,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Please dont tar all men with the same brush, there are plenty of good guys out there! I have an awesome husband and wish all women could have a guy as nice as he is.
I think when people feel really bad and negative about themselves, they look for someone else to try to make them feel even worse than they do, which is what I think your husband did. He seems like a really screwed up person and you will probably be better off without him.
I think when people feel really bad and negative about themselves, they look for someone else to try to make them feel even worse than they do, which is what I think your husband did. He seems like a really screwed up person and you will probably be better off without him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Aww, I am so sorry to hear this, and I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but - WHAT A BLESSING!
It sounds like your children aren't his, but if you contact an attorney, you can find out exactly what help you can get from him, and the assets you do have a claim to.
Your first thread here was called "How to leave." We'll, he's just made it easier for you. YOU CAN DO THIS! I know you're hurt, but you should be mad as hell - its OK!
I hope you get angry, take what's yours, take control of YOUR life, do what you need to do - whether he comes begging you back or not. Now is the time to be a mama bear and show everyone the extent of your fortitude, it's all up to you.
I think you should start by changing your handle from richardswife to RICHARDSWORSTNIGHTMARE.
I really really wish you the best through this - it can be a HUGE opportunity for you!
It sounds like your children aren't his, but if you contact an attorney, you can find out exactly what help you can get from him, and the assets you do have a claim to.
Your first thread here was called "How to leave." We'll, he's just made it easier for you. YOU CAN DO THIS! I know you're hurt, but you should be mad as hell - its OK!
I hope you get angry, take what's yours, take control of YOUR life, do what you need to do - whether he comes begging you back or not. Now is the time to be a mama bear and show everyone the extent of your fortitude, it's all up to you.
I think you should start by changing your handle from richardswife to RICHARDSWORSTNIGHTMARE.
I really really wish you the best through this - it can be a HUGE opportunity for you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I forgot to add as we'll the following.
I found life with my baby easier on my own.
Yes, sometimes I wanted to die of tiredness, but it was far easier to do it on my own, rather than to do it with someone who really did not want to be there.
There is nothing less rewarding than sharing your life, your goals, your dreams with someone who really does not want to be there or a part of them.
He has held you back for long enough, now it's your turn to shine.
Xxxx
I found life with my baby easier on my own.
Yes, sometimes I wanted to die of tiredness, but it was far easier to do it on my own, rather than to do it with someone who really did not want to be there.
There is nothing less rewarding than sharing your life, your goals, your dreams with someone who really does not want to be there or a part of them.
He has held you back for long enough, now it's your turn to shine.
Xxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Sometimes we don't get the things we want the way we were hoping for them, but can be glad to get them all the same. It has got to be painful that he left and in such a horrible way too, but now you are FREE! Anything you want can happen now, ANYTHING! Where do you want your life to go? You can make it happen.
Don't be ashamed on your children's behalf to reach out for help. You are teaching them that it is OK to ask for help when you need it and that you are strong enough to take control of your life and make it how you want it. Those are great lessons to teach them, no shame whatsoever. I really could have benefitted with learning it was OK to ask for help when I was young, I probably wouldn't be in such a mess now if I had!
Its OK to take a little time to process what has happened, you don't have to make all the changes and decisions now, just know that the support is there to help you once you are ready. ((((hugs))))
Don't be ashamed on your children's behalf to reach out for help. You are teaching them that it is OK to ask for help when you need it and that you are strong enough to take control of your life and make it how you want it. Those are great lessons to teach them, no shame whatsoever. I really could have benefitted with learning it was OK to ask for help when I was young, I probably wouldn't be in such a mess now if I had!
Its OK to take a little time to process what has happened, you don't have to make all the changes and decisions now, just know that the support is there to help you once you are ready. ((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I agree with Sasha. After the initial shock and disappointment wear off, you may find that life is freer and lighter without him casting long shadows over everything you love.
I loved my STBXAH dearly, and he threw my love and devotion back in my face over and over again. To stay with him with that behavior would have been self-destructive. You can't live like this, and you definitely don't *have* to.
Keep ranting and venting and crying here. I can say, nearly at the end of that tunnel, things look good on this side. We can be your light.
I loved my STBXAH dearly, and he threw my love and devotion back in my face over and over again. To stay with him with that behavior would have been self-destructive. You can't live like this, and you definitely don't *have* to.
Keep ranting and venting and crying here. I can say, nearly at the end of that tunnel, things look good on this side. We can be your light.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I would like to agree with what firebolt said--STAY mad enough to take what is yours and take control of your life--not folding if he comes back manipulating and making empty sweet promises.
Please get yourself to alanon as soon as you possibly can. You are going to need that kind of support.
dandylion
Please get yourself to alanon as soon as you possibly can. You are going to need that kind of support.
dandylion
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Just dropping by to give you a cyber hug and also mention that now might be a GREAT time to change the locks on him.
I know you are scared and hurt but you need to keep faith that it will work out for the best.
I know you are scared and hurt but you need to keep faith that it will work out for the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Richardswife,
It is very hard to even think when you are going through times like these. Just take a deep breath and read all of the great advice that has been given here. We were all in the middle of crazy at one time or another or we would not have found this forum. I could have written Florence's post: "I loved my STBXAH dearly, and he threw my love and devotion back in my face over and over again."
The best thing I ever did in my life was to divorce my XAH. I had lost myself totally in his addiction. It changed me but it made me stronger and now I am very happy with my life.
Write down all of your questions so that you can be organized when you talk to an attorney. Get as many free consults as you need until you find someone with whom you feel comfortable with and who will work with you. You can do this!!!
It is very hard to even think when you are going through times like these. Just take a deep breath and read all of the great advice that has been given here. We were all in the middle of crazy at one time or another or we would not have found this forum. I could have written Florence's post: "I loved my STBXAH dearly, and he threw my love and devotion back in my face over and over again."
The best thing I ever did in my life was to divorce my XAH. I had lost myself totally in his addiction. It changed me but it made me stronger and now I am very happy with my life.
Write down all of your questions so that you can be organized when you talk to an attorney. Get as many free consults as you need until you find someone with whom you feel comfortable with and who will work with you. You can do this!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Just bumping this up, looking for an update...How's it going, RW? I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking of you. Please let us know how you're doing today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you all so very much for your very wise, thoughtful, caring and insightful advice and comments. I am here. That is about all I can say. I have kind of just gone into hibernation mode. I know it is not the smartest thing to do. But I am still trying to comprehend it all and figure out my course of action. As some of you predicted, he did come back and try and "make up". No apology and blamed me for his behavior and leaving. He wanted to come back that night and sleep at the house. I told him to do whatever he wanted. He wanted and expected me to say that I wanted him back. I didn't. He came in after we were all asleep and He left to go out of town the next morning before anyone was up. I haven't seen him since he walked out. I know I probably should have said no to him sleeping here, I'm still learning all I need to do. And the fax is it is his house.
To address the children question, they are my children from my first husband that doesn't help the kids things financially. Long story, but that is why my kids are on my AH's insurance policy, etc. it didn't cost him anything additionally to add them and otherwise they would not have insurance.
I have tried to hide it all from my kids. In sure they know something. But AH travels for his job so the kids don't think anything health him not being here.
I do not know if he has stopped paying the bills. I won't know that until the bills come in. I have access to one account but I am the only one that puts money in that account. He has complete control over all of the finances and I used to ask for money and would have to tell him what it was for and show receipts. I do not have access to anything. The house is only in his name. We have only been married five years and in this state that doesn't entitle me to anything, not even spousal support. He threw that up in my face that I wouldn't get anything from him. I have up everything to move here to be with him, so I don't have anything to fall back on. I did consult am attorney here.
I am overwhelmed and so very appreciative of every post and kind words. I know you all know how much it means to me. I would think I was completely crazy and all of the other things he tells me, if I didn't have people telling me about their experiences and that they understand. That is the biggest most wonderful gift. The gift that there is a group of people that actually understand. Thank you all!
To address the children question, they are my children from my first husband that doesn't help the kids things financially. Long story, but that is why my kids are on my AH's insurance policy, etc. it didn't cost him anything additionally to add them and otherwise they would not have insurance.
I have tried to hide it all from my kids. In sure they know something. But AH travels for his job so the kids don't think anything health him not being here.
I do not know if he has stopped paying the bills. I won't know that until the bills come in. I have access to one account but I am the only one that puts money in that account. He has complete control over all of the finances and I used to ask for money and would have to tell him what it was for and show receipts. I do not have access to anything. The house is only in his name. We have only been married five years and in this state that doesn't entitle me to anything, not even spousal support. He threw that up in my face that I wouldn't get anything from him. I have up everything to move here to be with him, so I don't have anything to fall back on. I did consult am attorney here.
I am overwhelmed and so very appreciative of every post and kind words. I know you all know how much it means to me. I would think I was completely crazy and all of the other things he tells me, if I didn't have people telling me about their experiences and that they understand. That is the biggest most wonderful gift. The gift that there is a group of people that actually understand. Thank you all!
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