Co-dependancy advice
 

Hi all,

I met this woman who wanted to go for a motorcycle ride with me, me on my bike her on hers. I invited her over to come hang out with a few friends at a bar where live music was playing with the idea that we would go for a ride afterwards.

The moment she got to the patio area where we were sitting she immediately started sitting WAY to close to me, her entire leg touching, touching me with her hand on my shoulder, etc. So I sat somewhere else, avoided her for a bit as I talked to other people and then she finally came up to me and said "I'm going to go" and I said "ok".

My question for everyone is why did I feel as if I owed her something? My thoughts are around the fact that I didn't go for a ride as we had discussed and I didn't want to have to deal with telling her the ride isn't going to happen.

The feeling I'm trying to sort is why do I feel a "connection" or some sense of responsibility for someone I don't even know and was acting inappropriately.

I understand the whole, you don't want to be disliked, trying to be nice, rejection (not a problem for me) and others. I do think I'm missing something here though.

What are your thoughts?

I struggle with....if someone was unhappy

It must have something to do with me.

I think by sitting elsewhere and avoiding her, you DID tell her the ride wasn't going to happen. It might not have been the most direct way to tell her, but clearly she got the idea.

A child psychiatrist that I know told me this story, and I think it relates. He had a child he was counseling in a psychiatric inpatient unit, tell him: "Well, after they kept beating me so much for so long, I really thought I must have done something bad to deserve it."

So, for me, if something doesn't go right in a relationship, I have this kind of emotional "default setting" - if something is wrong, it is either because I did something wrong, or because I didn't fix something I was supposed to fix.

It's kind of a world view I am trying to leave behind. We really don't have to be responsible for the whole environment around us, even though it feels like a personal accountability sometimes.

ShootingStar1

She did get the idea, if not I would have told her, eventually. Maybe it's the "I know she's unhappy with me"? not for me though. I accepted long ago that I can't please everyone and some people are just destined to hate me, it's how it goes. Of course relationships aren't black and white.

I'm still not sure why I feel responsible, or indebted, or connected to a stranger in this situation. I can act accordingly like tell a friend "yea I don't want to do that anymore with you", but it occupies my brain for like 24 hours after, I don't get the hold of it all.

ZenMe, I guess I am confused as to why you didn't deal with her more directly? You did invite her to the bar with the idea that a ride was to happen later. In my mind, if i invite someone to an activity---there is an implied responsibility to communicate with them. Seems to me that this is the responsible thing.

As far as the "touchy feely" thing--couldn't you just ask her, in a polite way, to cool it down a bit?

dandylion

She was super touchy feely. Like all over me, slobbering almost. So I guess my initial reaction was, get me out of here vs "hey please stop".

So how could I have handled the situation differently? Say "hey please stop, and I'm not really interested in going for a ride with you" (I almost inserted an I'm sorry...). Even if I had handled it differently I still would have felt that lingering sense of responsibility.

I want to be able to deal with a situation like this and not have to feel bad about it later. When in this case I don't think I should have to feel bad.

I guess I am confused with this and your initial post.

Did you WANT to ask her to go for a ride in the first place, and then in the restaurant realize you were not interested?

Sorry for my lack of clarity but that might help.

Oyyyyy... You can't just tell a person, "Excuse me, your crazy is showing, and I think you got some on my shirt", now can you? At least she got that out of the way quickly. I don't know how I would have handled that situation myself. I'm afraid of those kinds of confrontations. What do you say? I'd like to hear more opinions on this, personally. :)

Actually yes, ZenMe---I think that would have been a good way of handling it. You would be within your rights to set your boundaries--since she presented you with unacceptable behavior.

And I agree that you shouldn't have to feel bad about it later. It takes practice to unlearn old behaviors. Practice. Practice.

dandylion

**Would I be wrong to assume that she might have had some alcohol or drugs on board??

LifeRecovery: I met her briefly before, invited her to come meet us at the bar and then we would go for a ride afterwards, that was the idea. So if she hadn't acted the way she did we would have gone for a ride.

Dandylion: I don't think she had alcohol or drugs on board. Like nwgrits said, her crazy was showing. I would describe it as a mix of crazy and desperation.

Will keep practicing. =)

It sounds like she thought it was going to be a romantic date, and you didn't; that was the first thing you two didn't communicate about.

When she came up to you and said "I'm going", you could have said something like "Maybe it's better, I think we are at different places with this", but she also could have said something like "I thought you wanted something else. Are we going for a ride?"

I'm not sure this is codpendency as much as a failure to communicate. As for caring about someone's feelings, that just makes you a sensitive and empathetic person. Maybe you know you could have handled it a little better and are just feeling a badly about it? IMO, that just makes you a decent human being.

Those situations are really hard to deal with. I'm not trying to criticize you in any way; I could have acted identically, and probably have. I know from my own life though that when I act in a way that is more direct, I feel less codependent.

It was definitely not a date, and I gave no indication it was. I have friends that are girls.

Sure she could have assumed it was a date. Either way I would have had to handle the situation, no way in hell would I have gone on a ride with her.

The way I felt about it is definitely characteristic of a codependent person =P.

I have had to learn that those "yucky" feelings you describe trip me up.

I am less likely to have them when I am clear with what I want and need from the begining. When I feel "stuck" in a situation is often when they linger....and I used to do whatever was "best" for someone else.

It was a hard habit to change for me, but it has gotten easier with practice (and I am more likely to nip it in the bud).

Acknowledging the the first part of it for me...then I can do something about it. Good for you.

What exactly is codependent about it? I'm not saying it isn't, I'm just confused.

She obviously thought it was a date, right? So I feel like had you addressed that issue right off the bat, when she started rubbing your leg, you might not feel so "codependent" about it right now, even if she stormed off and acted weird.

ZenMe, try not to over analyze it, at this point. It is over with--nobody died. Sometimes, in life. **** happens! None of us are perfect--we just do the best we can at the time we are faced with stuff.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Much of life is small stuff, anyway.

dandylion

Zen,

I hope you don't think I'm criticizing the way you acted. I totally get that the woman was crazy.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you acted passive-aggressively and THAT'S what isn't sitting well with you.

I can't speak for everyone, but in learning to break my co-dependency habits, that was a strong one for me. I never noticed how much I did it or how often I accepted it in others. It always leads to hurt feelings & miscommunication. So in my "evolution" during recovery when I've found myself reverting to those habits, it feels crappy & disingenuous to my Self & I just want to kick myself, lol. I prefer to be more direct no matter the situation.

This is kind of what I feel, although I didn't exactly think of it as passive aggressive. I probably am in denial about my own behavior because I act the way you did often but thought of myself as scared of confrontation more than passive-agressive. I think Firesprite might be right though which gives me a lot to think about in my own life.

Again ~speaking for ME~ ;)

I think of the fear (i.e. "scared of confrontation") as the root issue, but the behavior covering it as pass/agg. I don't feel badly about the fear, that's worthy of examination & healing.... but the behavior that I use to cover it/hide it/react to it? THAT bothers me & THAT I can choose to change. Bonus when it leads to better communication, firmer boundaries & raised self-esteem sometimes, lol!

This was ESPECIALLY hard for me when dealing with my mom & sister....apparently that was the ONLY way we HAD been interacting & I never truly saw my part of the codependent dance with them!