this is going to be long.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
this is going to be long.
I have had struggles with drugs and alcohol in the past, but about six years ago I made up my mind to not give in and stop drinking. I would drink a 6-pack or a bottle of wine a few times a week. Even when I fell into a very deep depression a few years ago I rarely drank, and only then when I was in a social situation. I never drink at home alone like I used to and have had a pretty good handle on the situation for quite a long time.
Fast forward to eight months ago. I met a wonderful guy who I hit it off with immediately. He told me about his struggles with alcohol and drugs, and that he had quit completely last August. On our first date we went out to dinner and drank tea. Our relationship developed quickly, and I felt that it was very authentic considering the fact that neither one of us was using mind-altering substances. He was going to therapy at the time (I've been going for years), and all seemed well.
After a while I could see that he was very depressed and anxious. This stems from his mother's passing from cancer when he was 11, and him being raised by an aunt who was emotionally distant and verbally abusive. Also, in 2005, he was arrested when blackout drunk and coming off a bunch of psychoactive meds. He was charged with surreptitious intrusion (peeping tom type thing), which is considered a sexual offense in the state where he lived. He has had to register as a sexual offender ever since, and has basically let it hinder every aspect of his life since then. He is NOT a violent person in any way shape or form and has no idea why he was looking in someone's window when blackout drunk, but what's done is done and he has to live with it.
Anyway, he saw a doctor and got some antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. Again, he was going along doing pretty well for a few months until recently. About two months ago one night he did not come home after bike riding with his friend. I was sick with worry. When he finally did come home, he was crying and saying he could not drink ever again. He had had a few beers at his friend's house and passed out. I figured it was a lapse but he'd be okay. Keep in mind that I do not drink around him or at home, and rarely will I share some wine or a beer with friends when I''m out.
So it happened again. And again. And again. He lives with me and I told him he'd have to get out if he did it again. Well, over the weekend he got so drunk on vodka Friday night that he was unable to make it home until Saturday night. Some of these so-called friends (acquaintances, really), were biking and hanging out in a city park. They built a fire and were drinking and smoking weed. He started out just smoking but eventually started drinking the vodka they brought. The police ended up coming and kicking them out, but stupidly they went back and continued partying. He said the next thing he knew it was 3:00 am and he was lying in the dirt, puking all over himself.
Saturday evening when he got home he looked like death. I told him he'd have to leave by the end of August. Yesterday we had a long talk, cried, etc.....and he went to a meeting last night that was very beneficial. He's seeing a new substance abuse therapist on Friday. He wants to beat this and work things out. I truly love him and he loves me, but I cannot take this emotional rollercoaster. If he moves out he basically has nowhere to go but back to his home state with his aunt and uncle. He's been working off and on, and got a very good job opportunity recently. I feel like I should take this last chance on him, but I don't want to be a fool and a doormat.
I've been thinking of going to an al-anon meeting but I'm apprehensive. I am not a religious person in any way. When I had my struggles with alcohol I studied the Women for Sobriety program and it helped immensely. I would take this man over booze any day, and don't want the life of a miserable drunk for myself or for him. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be an enabler and I can't risk my mental stability any more than I already have., but he is a good person and we connect in ways I never thought possible.
Is it worth sticking around? I know he will only do this if he wants to do it for himself. It's made me realize how painful it must have been for my ex husband when I was drinking all the time. It's awful to feel like you never know if someone's going to come home alive or if you'll get a call from the police saying he's dead or in jail. I am also totally open to doing some joint therapy sessions, which I think could be useful in the near future. For now he needs to focus on getting back to sobriety and changing his way of thinking.
What do you think?
Fast forward to eight months ago. I met a wonderful guy who I hit it off with immediately. He told me about his struggles with alcohol and drugs, and that he had quit completely last August. On our first date we went out to dinner and drank tea. Our relationship developed quickly, and I felt that it was very authentic considering the fact that neither one of us was using mind-altering substances. He was going to therapy at the time (I've been going for years), and all seemed well.
After a while I could see that he was very depressed and anxious. This stems from his mother's passing from cancer when he was 11, and him being raised by an aunt who was emotionally distant and verbally abusive. Also, in 2005, he was arrested when blackout drunk and coming off a bunch of psychoactive meds. He was charged with surreptitious intrusion (peeping tom type thing), which is considered a sexual offense in the state where he lived. He has had to register as a sexual offender ever since, and has basically let it hinder every aspect of his life since then. He is NOT a violent person in any way shape or form and has no idea why he was looking in someone's window when blackout drunk, but what's done is done and he has to live with it.
Anyway, he saw a doctor and got some antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. Again, he was going along doing pretty well for a few months until recently. About two months ago one night he did not come home after bike riding with his friend. I was sick with worry. When he finally did come home, he was crying and saying he could not drink ever again. He had had a few beers at his friend's house and passed out. I figured it was a lapse but he'd be okay. Keep in mind that I do not drink around him or at home, and rarely will I share some wine or a beer with friends when I''m out.
So it happened again. And again. And again. He lives with me and I told him he'd have to get out if he did it again. Well, over the weekend he got so drunk on vodka Friday night that he was unable to make it home until Saturday night. Some of these so-called friends (acquaintances, really), were biking and hanging out in a city park. They built a fire and were drinking and smoking weed. He started out just smoking but eventually started drinking the vodka they brought. The police ended up coming and kicking them out, but stupidly they went back and continued partying. He said the next thing he knew it was 3:00 am and he was lying in the dirt, puking all over himself.
Saturday evening when he got home he looked like death. I told him he'd have to leave by the end of August. Yesterday we had a long talk, cried, etc.....and he went to a meeting last night that was very beneficial. He's seeing a new substance abuse therapist on Friday. He wants to beat this and work things out. I truly love him and he loves me, but I cannot take this emotional rollercoaster. If he moves out he basically has nowhere to go but back to his home state with his aunt and uncle. He's been working off and on, and got a very good job opportunity recently. I feel like I should take this last chance on him, but I don't want to be a fool and a doormat.
I've been thinking of going to an al-anon meeting but I'm apprehensive. I am not a religious person in any way. When I had my struggles with alcohol I studied the Women for Sobriety program and it helped immensely. I would take this man over booze any day, and don't want the life of a miserable drunk for myself or for him. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be an enabler and I can't risk my mental stability any more than I already have., but he is a good person and we connect in ways I never thought possible.
Is it worth sticking around? I know he will only do this if he wants to do it for himself. It's made me realize how painful it must have been for my ex husband when I was drinking all the time. It's awful to feel like you never know if someone's going to come home alive or if you'll get a call from the police saying he's dead or in jail. I am also totally open to doing some joint therapy sessions, which I think could be useful in the near future. For now he needs to focus on getting back to sobriety and changing his way of thinking.
What do you think?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
I think Alanon is a great idea. Also, I would continue the plan with him moving out. It is healthier for both of you. If he is going to recover and make changes he will. He can not IMO work on his addiction and a relationship at the same time. He can always move back in with you after some time working on himself and you will be thronged for it.
Alanon does not have to be about god. Your higher power can be whatever you make it.
Best wishes and good luck. You sound very strong. Many would not have done what you have already starting doing.
Alanon does not have to be about god. Your higher power can be whatever you make it.
Best wishes and good luck. You sound very strong. Many would not have done what you have already starting doing.
Last edited by brownhorse; 08-19-2013 at 03:55 PM. Reason: Typo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
haha
I knew what you meant! 
Thanks for your kind words. I seriously never imagined I'd be in this situation. I think you're right about him moving out. I will have to break it to him but let him know I still love him.
Thanks for your kind words. I seriously never imagined I'd be in this situation. I think you're right about him moving out. I will have to break it to him but let him know I still love him.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
It's only been 8 months with him, and you're already in this struggle. The relationship is new, better to set boundaries now. You told him once if he drank again he's have to move out....and he drank again. It's important not to make ultimatums you're not ready to keep. He can work on his recovery, and if he gets it together again maybe in the future something will work out.
AlAnon would help you. There are those in my group who are in recovery themselves from addiciton, and also dealing with addiction in others. It doesn't have to be about "God"....take what you like and leave the rest. But it will help you to stop the enabling thinking. He's a grown man, he has to take care of himself. And you have to take care of you.
AlAnon would help you. There are those in my group who are in recovery themselves from addiciton, and also dealing with addiction in others. It doesn't have to be about "God"....take what you like and leave the rest. But it will help you to stop the enabling thinking. He's a grown man, he has to take care of himself. And you have to take care of you.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
To echo advice I've heard here a lot, don't base your relationship on this guy's potential, base it on what he is showing you right now. If that's not something you want to live with, then ending it is the right move.
It's even more important to not put your own sobriety at risk, b/c then you'll have lost it all. You had to work to get sober; so does he.
It's even more important to not put your own sobriety at risk, b/c then you'll have lost it all. You had to work to get sober; so does he.
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