New Here and need advice
 

I'll make this as short as I can. My ex and I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter. My ex is 43 and has been an alcoholic for 25+ years. Silly me thought that when our daughter was born he would stop drinking everyday and help raise her. I was wrong. In December 2011, a month before our daughter's 3rd birthday, my ex tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrists in our bathroom. He was removed from the residence and I was able to get an order of protection against him. He was also permitted supervised visitation with our daughter. I filed a paternity suit so I could receive child support. The paternity case was open for a year and a half and we finally settled in June. At one point, my ex and I attended therapy together to learn to communicate so we could co-parent our daughter. During the 3 months of therapy, my ex insisted that he was not drinking and even detailed when he went to AA meetings. I hired a PI and discovered that his AA meetings were at a bar. When I exposed his lies, he quit therapy. In June of this year, 4 days before trial, we reached a custody settlement and he is permitted supervised visitation with our daughter every Thursday and Sunday. 5 days after the settlement, he was admitted to the hospital for liver failure. He received several transfusions and was nursed back to health. He claims that he has quit drinking (again) and cannot understand why I don't believe him. He rarely sees our daughter because he refuses to have a supervisor. He he wants me to act as the supervisor but the years of lies and verbal abuse have taken a toll on me and I don't want to be around him. Recently, he has started telling our daughter that he cannot see her because "Mommy won't allow it". He believes that it is my fault that they don't spend time together. He tells our daughter to ask Mommy if she can come over to his house. I don't respond to most of his text messages but I am angry that he is trying to manipulate our daughter. He swears that he isn't drinking but he has said that many times before. Today, I received a text message saying "step 8 is admitting to people that you have hurt them. I am sorry. Our daughter is my higher power". This is the first time he has ever mentioned anything to do with the 12 steps but I think he just said that to make me think that he is in AA. So, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the things that he says to our daughter? I know he is trying to make me the bad guy. Also, when does this become harassment?

There is so much more I can share but I am looking for support. Thanks.

Welcome to SR, Elis. I'm sorry you've had to find us, but I'm glad you're here.

This angers me beyond all reason. Your husband does have a higher power, but your daughter is NOT it. Putting the burden of his sobriety on an innocent child is wrong in so many ways. I grew up thinking that if I just acted perfect, got perfect grades, tiptoed around my A mother, that she wouldn't drink anymore. It doesn't work like that. Anyone can find information about the 12 steps, whether or not they ever set foot in the halls of AA. But reading what I have here, I'm not likely to think he's working a real recovery. I would follow the plan as it is now and see what happens. As is often said here, more will be revealed. If he is really working recovery, it will show itself in time.

Is he saying these things in front of the supervisor? Because the supervisor should not be letting him grill her like that. That Super is there to protect her from him and it sounds to me like the Super is FAILING! What's going on there that that's allowed to happen?

Some solutions just can't be found without professional help, and I think consulting a skilled child psychologist who comes well-recommended would be a good start. The difficulties with your exAH are going to intensify, and the marriage counselor you have consulted may not have the necessary training to be able to advise you about how to support your child during the crises that likely are ahead in your exAH's future.

Your child will be reluctant to be honest with you about her experience of her father. She will also be confused at times in her experiences of you. But a skilled professional can spend time with her in session and can assess what is really happening, what she really needs, and how you can respond in a healthy way.

I don't think we do very well with these potent, complex alcoholic family issues on our own. Our perspective is often distorted, we often are in denial and see only what we consciously allow ourselves to see, and we often do not have all the information we need. In addition, if we are recovering from trauma, we may become even more ill from the stress of wanting to do what is right for our children--and not knowing what that is.

If you have medical insurance, I suggest you see your family doctor, explain the need for a referral (a "prescription for therapy") to a child psychologist, and perhaps the necessary sessions will be covered so you will not have to pay a great amount out of pocket.

So many parents on these forums feel tremendous regret that they did not take a course of action that could have made a real difference in their children's suffering within the family of addiction. Often they wish they had gotten professional help for their children and for their own parenting challenges.

Your husband is dangerous to your child's emotional and psychological well-being. But a professional will know how to counter much of the potential damage. I would not personally rely on any advice other than from a skilled professional.

My ex is permitted to phone our daughter everyday and he says these things over the phone. He evens tells me that he says these things to her. He also attends her swim lessons once a week and he has told her these things in front of me! I will also add that our daughter is diagnosed on the autism spectrum so she has other issues that she is dealing with.

I have attended a couple al-anon meetings and am familiar with the 12 steps but I also thought it was very strange that he chose our daughter as the higher power. My ex does not believe in God so I guess he felt he needed to chose a higher power and thought our daughter would be perfect. I honestly don't think he is working any program.

I have contacted our pediatrician and she is going to refer us to a child psychologist. I wish I could stop him from saying the things that he does but I can't. For the first three years of her life, our daughter attended a family daycare and was watched by a woman, Pam, who has become a very close friend. My daughter calls her Grandma. My parents are not alive and only my ex's mother is alive and she is very sick so Pam is who my daughter knows as Grandma. Last night on the phone, my daughter told her Dad that she bought a gift for Grandma (meaning Pam). My ex told her that Pam is not her Grandma and she needs to stop calling her that. My daughter was reduced to tears. How can someone who claims to be such a caring parent be so cruel? In the past week he has accused me of kidnapping our child and abusing her. The next day he said that he just said that because he was angry. This does not sound like someone working a program!

Could you talk to a lawyer about it? Perhaps you could record the conversations and use them as evidence in court to get a different agreement worked out where he is not allowed to talk to her on the phone?

Could you explain to your daughter that he IS allowed to see her, that it simply requires a supervisor that isn't you and she should ask HIM to do so when he is allowed? I think whenever possible the truth is the best thing for children. I think a lot of times we don't give them enough credit for being able to understand it.

Above all else, just keep being the good parent you are.

Having the child ask dad why HE doesn't go along with having a supervisor is just putting the child back in the middle of the dispute between mom and dad.

And secret recordings of conversations is illegal in many states.

Welcome to SR
It makes me so mad when parents say things to their child to undermine the other.
Firstly you are not to blame for any of this.
Secondly I believe blame=denial
Thirdly you have every right as a mother to put limitations & restrictions on visits given the history & safety concerns.
Keep posting, loads of support here for you.

it's the similar step 8 as in al anon and it's about making a list of those we harmed and being willing to make amends. step 9 is making direct amends.

if he were truly in AA, he would drop the BS he's feeding his daughter, for her sake.

spirituality is about living a life where we make others feel good and by being useful and helpful to others, not to ourselves.

hugs to you.

stay strong!!!!!!!!

According to our custody agreement, he is permitted to call our daughter between 6-7 each evening. I have let him adjust the time he calls to better fit his schedule (he called at 7:30 tonight and told me of the change ahead of time). He just sent me a text asking if he can talk to her in the mornings too. Part of me wants to say OK because I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father but another part of me wants to say No because of the things he says to her. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like he tries to push the limits with everything. He can't even follow the simple rules in the parenting plan - he is always pushing the limits.

I'm sorry you're going through this:( I have a 4 yr old daughter as well, I just keep saying that daddy has some problems and is sick and only he can fix them and that is why he is mean sometimes or lies. She seems to understand since she has seen him change from a great dad to what he is now in a short period of time. i wonder if she goes to therapy and they put in their report that him saying things that are harmful to her emotional well-being they can maybe court order parenting classes or something?

I just read this and shook my head. Tsk tsk.
He is clearly drinking, lying, manipulating, harrassing, and even using his own daughter in his tactics to manipulate drink lie and harrass.
This makes me sick. It already bothers me how much in denial orbrefusal to accept that its a serious problem which has affected you and his daughter but that he continues to destroy his daughters world.
Its terrible because he doesnt act like a parent....she is not priority. Shes only a means to get his way. Thats not a parent.
Its laughable that his logic is his relationship is damaged with his daughter because of you.
He chooses to drink. He chooses to not seek help and he chooses to not see his child.
Honestly I would just document everything in case its needed later.
I dont know whats been explained to your daughter but I explained to my kids that daddy is sick and thats why he says and does things thats not right and I just want him to get better. I l do care about daddy.

My advice would be to stick like glue to the court-ordered agreement. Simply because it doesn't sound like your ex has a lot of respect for either you or your daughter. He's clearly not seeing your daughter for HER benefit, but for his own. And he's using her as an emotional garbage can which makes me (like nwgrits) unreasonable angry. Been there, done that, still dealing with the fallout in my kids.

He is not doing supervised visitations because he can't manipulate your girl under those conditions. Phone calls is perfect for a manipulator because there is no record, there is no evidence of what he's doing.

Is it possible to go back to court and say that you believe he is being emotionally abusive to her and request permission to tape the conversations? He will no doubt oppose that, but I bet he would not call --or want to call more often-- if he knew he was being taped.

Again - him calling her twice a day is not helpful to her in any way, given his state of mind. I would want to limit that contact - and I think you might be able to if you bring up the fact that he can't be bothered to do ftf visitation with a supervisor...

But I'm not a lawyer and I'm just thinking with my gut here. That poor girl should not have to deal with an adult behaving like a child.

What she said.^ *nods*

I told him that he cannot call her in the mornings and that it is best to stick with our current parenting plan. Needless to say, he was not pleased and called me controlling, blah blah blah. Our current parenting plan states that he may call her once a day between 6-7. He calls whenever he gets around to it. Tonight it was almost 8:00 when he called.

I also made an appointment for my daughter with a child psychologist. She already receives occupational therapy and speech therapy so she will probably think this is just another play friend.

Thanks for the support. I really don't know if I am doing the right thing so it's nice to receive support from others who have had similar experiences.