The membership's new, the problem isn't
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
The membership's new, the problem isn't
Hello,
Bringing this in from the new members bit. Thanks to those advising me to do that!
My wife lived with a bottlenose (ex-hubby) for many years. She was on her best behaviour when she married me but has slipped again. Thinking it's 'healthy', she drinks 1.5 bottles of fizzy wine every other night. When we were out to dinner the other week, she put away a full carafe in very short order.
The consumption is therefore 43-ish units per week (over 54 this week) - more than three times the 'safe' maximum. If I mention it, I'm told to 'back off'. When the wine is in - and the wit out - such a lot of B/S is talked it's untrue. Essentially, most of it is drunken abuse.
Chats with a drug/alcohol advisor have established that Mrs. S. is a functioning alcoholic (F.A.). I stopped drinking in my mid-twenties - never was a big drinker and like my driving licence too much to put it - and anyone else - at risk.
I can't see the attraction - and am on 3/4 full dose of antidepressants 'cos I really don't know where I am with my wife. If she knew this was being posted, I'd be dead meat.
Help.
Bringing this in from the new members bit. Thanks to those advising me to do that!
My wife lived with a bottlenose (ex-hubby) for many years. She was on her best behaviour when she married me but has slipped again. Thinking it's 'healthy', she drinks 1.5 bottles of fizzy wine every other night. When we were out to dinner the other week, she put away a full carafe in very short order.
The consumption is therefore 43-ish units per week (over 54 this week) - more than three times the 'safe' maximum. If I mention it, I'm told to 'back off'. When the wine is in - and the wit out - such a lot of B/S is talked it's untrue. Essentially, most of it is drunken abuse.
Chats with a drug/alcohol advisor have established that Mrs. S. is a functioning alcoholic (F.A.). I stopped drinking in my mid-twenties - never was a big drinker and like my driving licence too much to put it - and anyone else - at risk.
I can't see the attraction - and am on 3/4 full dose of antidepressants 'cos I really don't know where I am with my wife. If she knew this was being posted, I'd be dead meat.
Help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, snood--hope you can take some time to just read in this forum. You'll learn a lot that way. Don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page, lots of useful info there, like this: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'd also like to suggest Alanon, sooner rather than later. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Welcome, and I hope you find a lot of help here.
I'd also like to suggest Alanon, sooner rather than later. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Welcome, and I hope you find a lot of help here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Snood... if my husband knew what I've put on here, I'd be dead meat beside you. They feel like we have no business to out that demon. pfft... WE WON'T TELL n she doesn't have to know! This is YOUR place, a place for YOU!
We sooooo know how you feel. Stick around. I don't have anything against Alanon, it just wasn't for me. I much prefer SR. JMO
We sooooo know how you feel. Stick around. I don't have anything against Alanon, it just wasn't for me. I much prefer SR. JMO
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
This is a place for you to share about your life. Her alcoholism is hers, but as it affects your life, you also have a story to tell and a right to tell it.
We trade a lot of wisdom here. I can't find an Al-Anon meeting, so this is my lifeline.
Hi and welcome!
We trade a lot of wisdom here. I can't find an Al-Anon meeting, so this is my lifeline.
Hi and welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
Thank you, people, particularly for your encouragement.
It's tricky to know how much to put in and what to leave out but I'll have a go and hope this doesn't become tediously long.
I knew my wife when she was a schoolgirl - she was a year older than me and unattainable as a partner. I was friends with her and her younger sister, never serious. I had a girlfriend a bit later, for two years.
I married someone else nine years later but that marriage failed after two years. About this time, I developed serious psychological problems (agoraphobia & anxiety) and was essentially relying on my mother, who'd accompany me on all jobs.
Scroll on 26 years, to after lots of treatment from psych folk, including psychoactive drugs. I had a new therapist and was coming out of the problem time (diagnosed as borderline personality disorder). I was on Friends Reunited and my old friend found me!
Turned out she'd married, had gone to live in Singapore and was then in California. Two 'children', one 19, one 24. The younger one, her daughter, was a paranoid schizophrenic, who'd had three suicide attempts.
Long story short, she boarded a plane (hates flying) and came to see me, after we'd had lots of online chat and phone calls, etc. She'd complained I 'wasn't being flirtatious (sigh)'. The only other intimation of problems I got then was a picture of her pouring out tea, with a huge wineglass on the table, next to the cups. Oh, and word of '...my first sober conversation with you.'
She went back, confessed to her husband, came back again and accepted my proposal. Cue her divorce and her arriving again for good on my birthday in 2003. Daughter followed two months later.
With my new fiancée's encouragement, I began working as a tech journalist and started making money. She hated my mother, Mum and I hated her daughter - the dynamic was bad. Meanwhile, ex-husband had followed her back to England.
She and I effectively eloped, married in Scotland (Gretna Green, '04)
The cure for the bad dynamic was to go to work, and work took us - as a team - around the UK and Europe, working for leisure magazines. I'd found vodka bottles concealed in the daughter's bedroom, and I was concerned about the amount of wine my wife was drinking in my sight when we were on the road. It really wasn't that much, and the vodka (no odour) explained the odd moods and odder conversations.
I can now skip on, after a glance at these following events...
* Found Mum with financial trouble, caused by dementia.
* Sold the family house and moved to the country.
* Resettled with Mum. This didn't work and she needed care.
* Found Mum a retirement flat - she had 16 months' freedom, then died just days after admission to her last care home.
*Two days after our wedding, I developed vision problems - turned out to be multiple sclerosis.
* Not long after this, I slipped a disc. Four operations led to Failed Back Surgery Syndrome and the implanting of an internal T.E.N.S. machine - pain is still a problem.
Now, eight years after our first reunion, things began to go worse. My wife had already elected to drink more, and to resist intimacy, with poor excuses. I still needed her to accompany me on trips. She refused on one occasion. Frightened, I shouted at her in the bathroom the next day, for two minutes maximum. I was angry enough to make the trip alone. End of all "I Love You's", end of all intimacy bar a peck on the cheek from me. Peace-offering roses and card rejected.
I was being criticised a lot by now, which from someone who still can't take even a whiff of criticism, is ironic. I was trying to be the ideal partner but still got nasty episodes, most especially post-booze. I don't feel comfortable enough to yet relate what I've been called.
Meanwhile, my step daughter continues to be bone idle, is immensely fat and seemingly can't do a thing wrong. In fact, she's a master at manipulation and much of her 'problem' is clearly behavioural but my wife enables it.
My wife went to a carer's weekend last year, to 'sort herself out', and later went to the USA to see her son. She's off to another carer's break shortly and is going to the US again, to see her son for 2 weeks in Sept/Oct.
I've been prevented from going to a family wedding - clearly because of what my wife has said about me to her friends and relatives. In fact, I drove her to it...and spent the afternoon in a MacDonald's car park! When I called later, I was spotted - her friends were my old friends too and greeted me warmly.
Now, I'm in a very awkward situation. Money is tight, my pain goes on. I have, however, made numerous trips alone.
No Valentine's card for two years, no anniversary card this year, last Christmas, son got a £90 juicer, daughter a £40 bracelet...I got a little chocolate and a card.
The drinking now averages 9/10 of a bottle per night. She follows her brother's 'healthy' lead. He has no processed food and fasts every other day - his way of avoiding a second cancer. She has lots of salad, goes to the gym about three times a week - and can drink up to 1.5 or even two bottles of 11.5% sparkling every other night.
I get in deep trouble for...
*Saying anything derogatory about the 'children'.
*Saying anything critical about her.
*Mentioning the drinking in any way.
I'm not remorseful, I didn't pay her a wage when we were working, and I get drunken abuse. We share the funds from Mum's former flat, which we let out to holidaymakers, and I earn a little from the web. She has a bank balance in the black; I have had a £1,000 overdraft for about three years now.
I'm no longer permitted to smoke in my own house, save for in the bathroom. I get in trouble for making the house messy (i.e. to leaves came in on my shoes). To retain sanity, I have two hobbies, archery and rifle shooting (target). I can't bring the (loaned) bow into the house, or have a gun licence, even for a rifle kept in the club's safe.
I've been seeing an alcohol advice counsellor (my wife thinks this is counselling for my mental state). We've established my wife is a functioning alcoholic. For her part, there's 'nothing wrong' - last year, she said I should worry when she starts covering the hidden calories by eating lost of salads.
Incidentally, Al-Anon meeting are too far away for me to attend.
So hear I am, fourth in line, almost always in the wrong, able to expect the 'Evil Twin' every other night. Often, when I come back from archery or shooting, she's asleep at 10pm - the bedroom reeks of booze, and it's a relief she's unconscious. Paradoxically, she can be very pleasant (terms and conditions apply).
I'm sorry for this lengthy cri de coeur but that's exactly what it is.
It's tricky to know how much to put in and what to leave out but I'll have a go and hope this doesn't become tediously long.
I knew my wife when she was a schoolgirl - she was a year older than me and unattainable as a partner. I was friends with her and her younger sister, never serious. I had a girlfriend a bit later, for two years.
I married someone else nine years later but that marriage failed after two years. About this time, I developed serious psychological problems (agoraphobia & anxiety) and was essentially relying on my mother, who'd accompany me on all jobs.
Scroll on 26 years, to after lots of treatment from psych folk, including psychoactive drugs. I had a new therapist and was coming out of the problem time (diagnosed as borderline personality disorder). I was on Friends Reunited and my old friend found me!
Turned out she'd married, had gone to live in Singapore and was then in California. Two 'children', one 19, one 24. The younger one, her daughter, was a paranoid schizophrenic, who'd had three suicide attempts.
Long story short, she boarded a plane (hates flying) and came to see me, after we'd had lots of online chat and phone calls, etc. She'd complained I 'wasn't being flirtatious (sigh)'. The only other intimation of problems I got then was a picture of her pouring out tea, with a huge wineglass on the table, next to the cups. Oh, and word of '...my first sober conversation with you.'
She went back, confessed to her husband, came back again and accepted my proposal. Cue her divorce and her arriving again for good on my birthday in 2003. Daughter followed two months later.
With my new fiancée's encouragement, I began working as a tech journalist and started making money. She hated my mother, Mum and I hated her daughter - the dynamic was bad. Meanwhile, ex-husband had followed her back to England.
She and I effectively eloped, married in Scotland (Gretna Green, '04)
The cure for the bad dynamic was to go to work, and work took us - as a team - around the UK and Europe, working for leisure magazines. I'd found vodka bottles concealed in the daughter's bedroom, and I was concerned about the amount of wine my wife was drinking in my sight when we were on the road. It really wasn't that much, and the vodka (no odour) explained the odd moods and odder conversations.
I can now skip on, after a glance at these following events...
* Found Mum with financial trouble, caused by dementia.
* Sold the family house and moved to the country.
* Resettled with Mum. This didn't work and she needed care.
* Found Mum a retirement flat - she had 16 months' freedom, then died just days after admission to her last care home.
*Two days after our wedding, I developed vision problems - turned out to be multiple sclerosis.
* Not long after this, I slipped a disc. Four operations led to Failed Back Surgery Syndrome and the implanting of an internal T.E.N.S. machine - pain is still a problem.
Now, eight years after our first reunion, things began to go worse. My wife had already elected to drink more, and to resist intimacy, with poor excuses. I still needed her to accompany me on trips. She refused on one occasion. Frightened, I shouted at her in the bathroom the next day, for two minutes maximum. I was angry enough to make the trip alone. End of all "I Love You's", end of all intimacy bar a peck on the cheek from me. Peace-offering roses and card rejected.
I was being criticised a lot by now, which from someone who still can't take even a whiff of criticism, is ironic. I was trying to be the ideal partner but still got nasty episodes, most especially post-booze. I don't feel comfortable enough to yet relate what I've been called.
Meanwhile, my step daughter continues to be bone idle, is immensely fat and seemingly can't do a thing wrong. In fact, she's a master at manipulation and much of her 'problem' is clearly behavioural but my wife enables it.
My wife went to a carer's weekend last year, to 'sort herself out', and later went to the USA to see her son. She's off to another carer's break shortly and is going to the US again, to see her son for 2 weeks in Sept/Oct.
I've been prevented from going to a family wedding - clearly because of what my wife has said about me to her friends and relatives. In fact, I drove her to it...and spent the afternoon in a MacDonald's car park! When I called later, I was spotted - her friends were my old friends too and greeted me warmly.
Now, I'm in a very awkward situation. Money is tight, my pain goes on. I have, however, made numerous trips alone.
No Valentine's card for two years, no anniversary card this year, last Christmas, son got a £90 juicer, daughter a £40 bracelet...I got a little chocolate and a card.
The drinking now averages 9/10 of a bottle per night. She follows her brother's 'healthy' lead. He has no processed food and fasts every other day - his way of avoiding a second cancer. She has lots of salad, goes to the gym about three times a week - and can drink up to 1.5 or even two bottles of 11.5% sparkling every other night.
I get in deep trouble for...
*Saying anything derogatory about the 'children'.
*Saying anything critical about her.
*Mentioning the drinking in any way.
I'm not remorseful, I didn't pay her a wage when we were working, and I get drunken abuse. We share the funds from Mum's former flat, which we let out to holidaymakers, and I earn a little from the web. She has a bank balance in the black; I have had a £1,000 overdraft for about three years now.
I'm no longer permitted to smoke in my own house, save for in the bathroom. I get in trouble for making the house messy (i.e. to leaves came in on my shoes). To retain sanity, I have two hobbies, archery and rifle shooting (target). I can't bring the (loaned) bow into the house, or have a gun licence, even for a rifle kept in the club's safe.
I've been seeing an alcohol advice counsellor (my wife thinks this is counselling for my mental state). We've established my wife is a functioning alcoholic. For her part, there's 'nothing wrong' - last year, she said I should worry when she starts covering the hidden calories by eating lost of salads.
Incidentally, Al-Anon meeting are too far away for me to attend.
So hear I am, fourth in line, almost always in the wrong, able to expect the 'Evil Twin' every other night. Often, when I come back from archery or shooting, she's asleep at 10pm - the bedroom reeks of booze, and it's a relief she's unconscious. Paradoxically, she can be very pleasant (terms and conditions apply).
I'm sorry for this lengthy cri de coeur but that's exactly what it is.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
AH has drank so much vodka, he wreaks! I could get drunk off his breath. lol
Love my bow n guns too. Don't you dare give them up!!!
Your wife seems like she is just sucking you dry in all aspects of life. Do you engage her in these arguments? I've read that if you do, they bite down harder and keep sucking the blood right out of you. Kinda hard to just let it happen, I know... but if you don't play with someone, they kinda have to play with themselves and HEY!!! Sometimes that's just not fun!
AND the money... She's got that well bone dry sucking dust huh? Can you remove her from the acct? Can you get a new acct on your own? Do you have access to her acct? Why do you share Mum's money with her? Does she work? How is she in the black n yours is overdrawn? I'd cut her off since she has a balance n you don't n I'd tell her you're done buying the booze n taking the abuse (you don't have to leave, stand your ground n take it back). If she can't respect you n treat you with dignity and want to drink you into a hole, cut her off! (You're damn right I take every bit of my husband's money when I feel he's going to drink it up! I take his cards n checks n try to make it as hard as I possibly can but he can still walk into the bank and he has.)
Do you own the home together or is it yours before the marriage? If it's yours, I'd tell her she's going to have to drink outside and light one up right in front of her. Once she starts picking, giver a nice long pause and then look at her and ask her, Did you say something?
Sounds to me like she's got you right where she wants you and that's upside down n inside out. She's made herself the perfect home to berate you and drink herself sideways and she'll be damned if you are going to interfere...
What are you going to do for YOU?
Love my bow n guns too. Don't you dare give them up!!!
Your wife seems like she is just sucking you dry in all aspects of life. Do you engage her in these arguments? I've read that if you do, they bite down harder and keep sucking the blood right out of you. Kinda hard to just let it happen, I know... but if you don't play with someone, they kinda have to play with themselves and HEY!!! Sometimes that's just not fun!
AND the money... She's got that well bone dry sucking dust huh? Can you remove her from the acct? Can you get a new acct on your own? Do you have access to her acct? Why do you share Mum's money with her? Does she work? How is she in the black n yours is overdrawn? I'd cut her off since she has a balance n you don't n I'd tell her you're done buying the booze n taking the abuse (you don't have to leave, stand your ground n take it back). If she can't respect you n treat you with dignity and want to drink you into a hole, cut her off! (You're damn right I take every bit of my husband's money when I feel he's going to drink it up! I take his cards n checks n try to make it as hard as I possibly can but he can still walk into the bank and he has.)
Do you own the home together or is it yours before the marriage? If it's yours, I'd tell her she's going to have to drink outside and light one up right in front of her.
Once she starts picking, giver a nice long pause and then look at her and ask her, Did you say something? Sounds to me like she's got you right where she wants you and that's upside down n inside out. She's made herself the perfect home to berate you and drink herself sideways and she'll be damned if you are going to interfere...
What are you going to do for YOU?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Snood. Sounds like you have your hands full here. But I hope you have found a safe place to share what is going on in your life. Secrets keep us sick.
Have you considered any Al-Anon meetings? They are anonymous too.
Keep reading our forums, and keep posting. But try to take things one day at a time. It really is all we have control over anyway.
Look forward to hearing from you again soon,
~T
Have you considered any Al-Anon meetings? They are anonymous too.
Keep reading our forums, and keep posting. But try to take things one day at a time. It really is all we have control over anyway.
Look forward to hearing from you again soon,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Welcome, Snood. Sounds like you have your hands full here. But I hope you have found a safe place to share what is going on in your life. Secrets keep us sick.
Have you considered any Al-Anon meetings? They are anonymous too.
Keep reading our forums, and keep posting. But try to take things one day at a time. It really is all we have control over anyway.
Look forward to hearing from you again soon,
~T
Have you considered any Al-Anon meetings? They are anonymous too.
Keep reading our forums, and keep posting. But try to take things one day at a time. It really is all we have control over anyway.
Look forward to hearing from you again soon,
~T
The nearest Al-Anon meet is too far for me to afford the fuel. I do see my counsellor locally & she's very helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Good on a counselor, I had one too, during the intense times. Now that the divorce is final and a year behind me, my counselor "fired" me. ; )
There are online meetings for Al-Anon. Try here to start: Online Al-Anon Outreach
There are online meetings for Al-Anon. Try here to start: Online Al-Anon Outreach
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
There are online meetings for Al-Anon. Try here to start: Online Al-Anon Outreach
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
Here we go, eyes down for a day in the life...
06:20: Went to bed, after working downstairs, on a major accounting project for my wife.
11:00 Woke, to breakfast in bed. Bacon, French toast and a pear. Sulking and complaints because I'd brought my archery bow into the house. Telling her that the five arrows were still in the car made no difference. I'd brought the bow in to clear the car before loading the boot with cleaning gear. I went out halfway through breakfast and put the bow in the car's back seat.
13:30 Had dealt with morning messages and web updates.
14:30 Wife went to do housekeeping at the holiday flat we own and rent out.
17:20 She returned, complaining that the flat's window blinds are dirty and one needs fixing. Due back at 17:15, as was arranged, I hadn't eaten.
17:45: Noticed the first glass of sparkling had been poured and was half gone.
18:00: Outside MacDonalds, having a happy meal she knew nothing about (I'd be crtiticised).
18:25: Began archery.
21:00 Returned home. She was slurring. Saying I'd shot well brought an uninterested "good". Then, I was roasted when I asked what' she'd been doing. "I've been cleaning, not that you'd notice. I cleaned the stairs you just climbed." (NB: I'd gone upstairs in semi-darkness).
21:20: She was watching TV. Had I begun to watch as well, it would have been criticism, and/or the programme being stopped at random with "I'm going to sleep NOW".
21:30: Took laptop downstairs.
21:50: TV off, no sound from upstairs.
21:55: Checked in the fridge (for which I get verbal abuse). here's the result...
Since about 17:30, a little over half a bottle of Cava Brut had been drunk, plus another 650ccs of the next bottle - exactly 100ccs remain - I checked.
That is 1000 ccs, 1 litre of wine, which is 1.76 pints, the alcoholic equivalent of five pints of Boddington's beer. That's 11.6 units ABV, a maximum of three is recommended.
I more than half expect to be sent to get us a MacDonald's tomorrow. This often happens after, just as any drinker looks for fatty food the next day.
In case I'm thought to be controlling, I do these calculations for three reasons...
(a) I'm very worried about her health.
(b) I often can't believe an 8.5-stone size eight can take this much booze and still be coherent.
(c) I'm a master of science - it's how I work.
It's 00:42 now. I'll keep on here until 04:30 or so.
I can only say, give me strength.
06:20: Went to bed, after working downstairs, on a major accounting project for my wife.
11:00 Woke, to breakfast in bed. Bacon, French toast and a pear. Sulking and complaints because I'd brought my archery bow into the house. Telling her that the five arrows were still in the car made no difference. I'd brought the bow in to clear the car before loading the boot with cleaning gear. I went out halfway through breakfast and put the bow in the car's back seat.
13:30 Had dealt with morning messages and web updates.
14:30 Wife went to do housekeeping at the holiday flat we own and rent out.
17:20 She returned, complaining that the flat's window blinds are dirty and one needs fixing. Due back at 17:15, as was arranged, I hadn't eaten.
17:45: Noticed the first glass of sparkling had been poured and was half gone.
18:00: Outside MacDonalds, having a happy meal she knew nothing about (I'd be crtiticised).
18:25: Began archery.
21:00 Returned home. She was slurring. Saying I'd shot well brought an uninterested "good". Then, I was roasted when I asked what' she'd been doing. "I've been cleaning, not that you'd notice. I cleaned the stairs you just climbed." (NB: I'd gone upstairs in semi-darkness).
21:20: She was watching TV. Had I begun to watch as well, it would have been criticism, and/or the programme being stopped at random with "I'm going to sleep NOW".
21:30: Took laptop downstairs.
21:50: TV off, no sound from upstairs.
21:55: Checked in the fridge (for which I get verbal abuse). here's the result...
Since about 17:30, a little over half a bottle of Cava Brut had been drunk, plus another 650ccs of the next bottle - exactly 100ccs remain - I checked.
That is 1000 ccs, 1 litre of wine, which is 1.76 pints, the alcoholic equivalent of five pints of Boddington's beer. That's 11.6 units ABV, a maximum of three is recommended.
I more than half expect to be sent to get us a MacDonald's tomorrow. This often happens after, just as any drinker looks for fatty food the next day.
In case I'm thought to be controlling, I do these calculations for three reasons...
(a) I'm very worried about her health.
(b) I often can't believe an 8.5-stone size eight can take this much booze and still be coherent.
(c) I'm a master of science - it's how I work.
It's 00:42 now. I'll keep on here until 04:30 or so.
I can only say, give me strength.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
Another thing I do is keep snaps like this one. I was advised to do so by my best friend (a barrister). If my wife calls the police (as she's threatened to), all I need do is show them the picture, or the box outside.
Fourteen days' worth here, though bottle number 6 was shared in cooking. Eleven bottles this time, recycling goes out in the morning.
Fourteen days' worth here, though bottle number 6 was shared in cooking. Eleven bottles this time, recycling goes out in the morning.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Snood, I thing Boxnrotz summarizes it in the last paragraph of her post. Snood, please forgive me if i seem out of line--but, your photo really resonated with me. It is a good visual representation for many of us, I suspect, of that phase of our journey when we were still searching out and counting the booty. I would title it "The Early Days".
I do empathize with how frustrated and helpless you must feel. You are going to have to draw YOUR own boundaries at some point.
Please keep posting and learning.
sincerely,
dandylion
I do empathize with how frustrated and helpless you must feel. You are going to have to draw YOUR own boundaries at some point.
Please keep posting and learning.
sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Snood,
It sounds like you really have your hands full with your health problems, and that you definitely need some peace in your life to heal physically.
It also sounds to me like you and your wife are too involved in each other's business. It really isn't her business if you eat McDonald's, smoke, or do archery. Similarly, it isn't your job to monitor how much she is drinking.
The problem is you two live together and your respective behaviors affect one another. She has a right to a smoke and weapon free home. (I realize it is legally your home but while you are married, it is her home too). And you certainly have a right to not want to live with someone who is drunk all the time.
To be honest, I don't know how you negotiate all of that. I do know though that counting her bottles is not healthy for YOU. I do understand how hard it must be to ignore it; I am someone who fantasizes regularly about snooping through my exabf's trash to find out how much he has been drinking. However, I have learned on SR that as long as we are focused on their drinking, we remain stuck.
Perhaps if you could detach from her drinking, she could then detach somewhat from the things she is always nagging you about? You can not stop her from drinking but you can have a more peaceful home, whether that means learning to detach from her, or asking her to leave.
Please keep posting.
HUGS
It sounds like you really have your hands full with your health problems, and that you definitely need some peace in your life to heal physically.
It also sounds to me like you and your wife are too involved in each other's business. It really isn't her business if you eat McDonald's, smoke, or do archery. Similarly, it isn't your job to monitor how much she is drinking.
The problem is you two live together and your respective behaviors affect one another. She has a right to a smoke and weapon free home. (I realize it is legally your home but while you are married, it is her home too). And you certainly have a right to not want to live with someone who is drunk all the time.
To be honest, I don't know how you negotiate all of that. I do know though that counting her bottles is not healthy for YOU. I do understand how hard it must be to ignore it; I am someone who fantasizes regularly about snooping through my exabf's trash to find out how much he has been drinking. However, I have learned on SR that as long as we are focused on their drinking, we remain stuck.
Perhaps if you could detach from her drinking, she could then detach somewhat from the things she is always nagging you about? You can not stop her from drinking but you can have a more peaceful home, whether that means learning to detach from her, or asking her to leave.
Please keep posting.
HUGS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
Good, enlightening and thought-provoking posts, thank you.
I admit to obsessing over the bottle she gets through-a lot of this is about my really struggling to accept she can drink so much and remain largely on her feet.
Her health is a big concern. OK, she can tell me to 'back off' when I bring the subject up. However, I don't think her liver will take that advice indefinitely. The doc just doubled the dose of her blood pressure pills. She says the high BP is nothing to to with the wine. It's my fault, naturally.
I have problems with the way I'm being treated. I can swear like a trooper but rarely do and almost never at her. When the 'Evil Twin' is loose, I can scarcely believe what I'm hearing. It's like having two wives, one to try to save, the other to kick out.
Small detail info...the house belongs to us both, as tenants in common (how foolish of me). Her 'children' would benefit if we both die. If I die, she currently gets the lot. If she dies first, I keep the house and business but on my detah, they go to her two - a bitter pill for me.
It all used to be lovely, with the occasional crossing of swords. Now, she can be lovely (terms & conditions apply) or can be an absolute bitch. I feel I am/have been being used.
I admit to obsessing over the bottle she gets through-a lot of this is about my really struggling to accept she can drink so much and remain largely on her feet.
Her health is a big concern. OK, she can tell me to 'back off' when I bring the subject up. However, I don't think her liver will take that advice indefinitely. The doc just doubled the dose of her blood pressure pills. She says the high BP is nothing to to with the wine. It's my fault, naturally.
I have problems with the way I'm being treated. I can swear like a trooper but rarely do and almost never at her. When the 'Evil Twin' is loose, I can scarcely believe what I'm hearing. It's like having two wives, one to try to save, the other to kick out.
Small detail info...the house belongs to us both, as tenants in common (how foolish of me). Her 'children' would benefit if we both die. If I die, she currently gets the lot. If she dies first, I keep the house and business but on my detah, they go to her two - a bitter pill for me.
It all used to be lovely, with the occasional crossing of swords. Now, she can be lovely (terms & conditions apply) or can be an absolute bitch. I feel I am/have been being used.
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