My BF stashes bottles everywhere...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 31
My BF stashes bottles everywhere...
...and I flip out every time I find them. He tries to drink in secret, but puts bottles in random places and forgets about them. I'm usually the one to find them. Sometimes while he's drinking, sometimes after, but there is a never ending supply of stashed bottles around here. He always says it's from 'before' and tries to make it sound like he's not doing it anymore, but there are always more. There is no end to it.
He drank last Wednesday, before he went to work. He drank in the morning, then took a nap and went to work at 4:00. He was very remorseful and mad at himself. Then he drank on Thursday when his daughter was here. He left for a 7:00 meeting down the street, and came back 10 minutes later to say it was canceled due to road construction. He kissed me on the lips to prove that he wasn't drinking...then he drank a pint of vodka. He was passed out within a couple of hours.
I found the empty bottle today and went crazy. I thought it was maybe from a more recent day and I snapped. I sent him some awful texts and then called him at work when I knew he was busy. I screamed and cried and hung up, and then continued to text him. It's my day off and I fear it is ruined. I had big plans to buy a vacuum and things for around the house, and to clean and was really motivated until this happened. Now I'm a wreck. I want so badly to fix this and make him better, but I know I can't. I'm too scared to leave, and I'm not financially stable enough to do so. I work full time and I'm starting school (just one class) next week. I don't think I can juggle that and his drinking at the same time. I'm scared I'll fail my class because I'm too unstable, and then what? Stay in the same job I'm in now, living in a dumpy apartment cleaning up after my drunk boyfriend? I'm afraid I'll never get married and have kids. My mother recently told me I need to hurry up and decide what I want to do. I want to marry my BF and have kids, but I can't do that if he's drinking. I don't want my kids to grow up around that.
I'm starting to think that maybe he won't get better. Maybe I need to leave. I've always been the kind of person who needed an extra push to get things done. It seems to take me forever to do things, and once I finally do, I wonder what I was waiting for. It's like I don't think I'm good enough or something. I have this vision of one day being stuck in some trailer with a bunch of kids with my boyfriend passed out on the couch.
Not sure what my question is here, I guess I don't have one. Just feeling sorry for myself right now.
He drank last Wednesday, before he went to work. He drank in the morning, then took a nap and went to work at 4:00. He was very remorseful and mad at himself. Then he drank on Thursday when his daughter was here. He left for a 7:00 meeting down the street, and came back 10 minutes later to say it was canceled due to road construction. He kissed me on the lips to prove that he wasn't drinking...then he drank a pint of vodka. He was passed out within a couple of hours.
I found the empty bottle today and went crazy. I thought it was maybe from a more recent day and I snapped. I sent him some awful texts and then called him at work when I knew he was busy. I screamed and cried and hung up, and then continued to text him. It's my day off and I fear it is ruined. I had big plans to buy a vacuum and things for around the house, and to clean and was really motivated until this happened. Now I'm a wreck. I want so badly to fix this and make him better, but I know I can't. I'm too scared to leave, and I'm not financially stable enough to do so. I work full time and I'm starting school (just one class) next week. I don't think I can juggle that and his drinking at the same time. I'm scared I'll fail my class because I'm too unstable, and then what? Stay in the same job I'm in now, living in a dumpy apartment cleaning up after my drunk boyfriend? I'm afraid I'll never get married and have kids. My mother recently told me I need to hurry up and decide what I want to do. I want to marry my BF and have kids, but I can't do that if he's drinking. I don't want my kids to grow up around that.
I'm starting to think that maybe he won't get better. Maybe I need to leave. I've always been the kind of person who needed an extra push to get things done. It seems to take me forever to do things, and once I finally do, I wonder what I was waiting for. It's like I don't think I'm good enough or something. I have this vision of one day being stuck in some trailer with a bunch of kids with my boyfriend passed out on the couch.
Not sure what my question is here, I guess I don't have one. Just feeling sorry for myself right now.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Wow you sound a lot like me in the past. And some things you say might as well be my anthem, haha.
Now, about the hiding of the bottles... For the most part, active alcoholics hide bottles because it's shameful and they know it deep down. It's not anything he's doing personally to you, even though it feels that way.
Now, about the hiding of the bottles... For the most part, active alcoholics hide bottles because it's shameful and they know it deep down. It's not anything he's doing personally to you, even though it feels that way.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Girl, I found a full, unopened pint in my dirty laundry hamper last week! I have empty bottles in boxes down stairs, in closests, under the bed, in the dresser drawers, under the dressers, under the seats in the car, in the trunk, in the garage... I bet if he could slide a bottle between my new pool liner and the steel wall, there would be one there too! I have found them EVERYWHERE! And, I usually get one of two responses:
1.) Where'd dat come from?!
2.) That must be an old one!
1.) Where'd dat come from?!
2.) That must be an old one!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Worried, maybe take a look at this thread for a little help? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etachment.html
And then I would recommend finding an Alanon meeting ASAP. The life you have now does not sound like what you want, so in your shoes, I'd set about finding out as much as I could about alcoholism and what I can and can't do about it. I'd also start making plans to make things as tolerable as I can while setting up a way out of my current life.
Many here have done it; you can too. You're not alone.
And then I would recommend finding an Alanon meeting ASAP. The life you have now does not sound like what you want, so in your shoes, I'd set about finding out as much as I could about alcoholism and what I can and can't do about it. I'd also start making plans to make things as tolerable as I can while setting up a way out of my current life.
Many here have done it; you can too. You're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 4
Yes bottles everywhere and if he knows I've seen one it's always a case of 'oh I've had that lying around for ages/just found it/ forgot it was there', and I know it's not true.....
I've just started attending al anon and so far it's exactly what I need, I'm very glad it's there for me, sounds like you could benefit too.
I've just started attending al anon and so far it's exactly what I need, I'm very glad it's there for me, sounds like you could benefit too.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
worriedmind, I can see that you have enough self-esteem to have a dream for yourself in the future. Good for you!! Do not compromise on that---no matter what anyone else says--not your mother; not anyone.
The best way to NOT become trapped in a trailer with a bunch of k ids and a boyfriend passed out on the couch is: Make yourself the first priority. Now is the time to invest in yourself. It is not selfish--it is the path to a bright future!!!!!!
My best suggestion for you: Start alanon right away. Educate yourself about co-dependency and addictions. Keep up your education--very important. Make a plan to ditch the boyfriend.
You are at a crossroads, of sorts. Your future lies entirely in your hands and the decisions you make for yourself.
You can do this. We will walk with you.
Please keep reading and posting.
sincerely,
dandylion
The best way to NOT become trapped in a trailer with a bunch of k ids and a boyfriend passed out on the couch is: Make yourself the first priority. Now is the time to invest in yourself. It is not selfish--it is the path to a bright future!!!!!!
My best suggestion for you: Start alanon right away. Educate yourself about co-dependency and addictions. Keep up your education--very important. Make a plan to ditch the boyfriend.
You are at a crossroads, of sorts. Your future lies entirely in your hands and the decisions you make for yourself.
You can do this. We will walk with you.
Please keep reading and posting.
sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear worriedmind, I read your post and see myself a year ago. Bottles stashed everywhere....in the linen closet, among clothes, in the garage, in the trunk of the car, in the bathroom cabinets, in the office behind books, even in the grill out back. And on and on and on. I made myself crazy. Would empty them, confront him, take pictures to show him when he was sober etc. All crazy crazy crazy behavior...on MY part. I was sick physically and mentally from all the stress.
A great counselor saved me, then AlAnon. First order of business was learning to detach from the behavior. When I found alcohol, leave it there. Don't touch it, don't mention it. Nothing I'm doing is stopping the behavior anyhow. That's where the 3C's come in to play: I didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There was nothing I could do to stop his drinking and stashing. But when I learned to detach, I found it didn't make ME crazy anymore. Decisions became clearer.
Your ABF isn't changing, but you can. You can't save him, but you can save yourself. Your vision of trailer life, if nothing changes, is not that far off the mark. It's a progressive disease, he will get worse. Read the posts here, the deeper you get with this...the deeper you get. The sooner you make healthy choices for your life, the better.
A great counselor saved me, then AlAnon. First order of business was learning to detach from the behavior. When I found alcohol, leave it there. Don't touch it, don't mention it. Nothing I'm doing is stopping the behavior anyhow. That's where the 3C's come in to play: I didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There was nothing I could do to stop his drinking and stashing. But when I learned to detach, I found it didn't make ME crazy anymore. Decisions became clearer.
Your ABF isn't changing, but you can. You can't save him, but you can save yourself. Your vision of trailer life, if nothing changes, is not that far off the mark. It's a progressive disease, he will get worse. Read the posts here, the deeper you get with this...the deeper you get. The sooner you make healthy choices for your life, the better.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Yea its typical for an A to hide bottles and then deny they were recent.
Its very obvious since they dont know nor remember where theyve put things or if still there.
Find a bottle pick it up then a new bottle is in its place pick that one up and so forth.
I think of the song 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Learned as a kid.
What I started doing though is picking bottles up pouring the excess alcohol out and leaving them in plain sight for him to see and instead of texting angry which I use to do also now its more personal and its in his face and its not about making it about me but him.
Plus they have to see it to believe it and throwing away their mess only protects their alcoholism.
But i totally get your frustration. It is never ending and disgusting!!! I found bottles once where they had been there so long they stuck .
Gross!! And the lengths and places are crazy. Ive found every spot!I if I look I will. He thinks hes so clever. But hes Wrong!
Its very obvious since they dont know nor remember where theyve put things or if still there.
Find a bottle pick it up then a new bottle is in its place pick that one up and so forth.
I think of the song 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Learned as a kid.
What I started doing though is picking bottles up pouring the excess alcohol out and leaving them in plain sight for him to see and instead of texting angry which I use to do also now its more personal and its in his face and its not about making it about me but him.
Plus they have to see it to believe it and throwing away their mess only protects their alcoholism.
But i totally get your frustration. It is never ending and disgusting!!! I found bottles once where they had been there so long they stuck .
Gross!! And the lengths and places are crazy. Ive found every spot!I if I look I will. He thinks hes so clever. But hes Wrong!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Recovering2 
Dear worriedmind, I read your post and see myself a year ago. Bottles stashed everywhere....in the linen closet, among clothes, in the garage, in the trunk of the car, in the bathroom cabinets, in the office behind books, even in the grill out back. And on and on and on. I made myself crazy. Would empty them, confront him, take pictures to show him when he was sober etc. All crazy crazy crazy behavior...on MY part. I was sick physically and mentally from all the stress.
A great counselor saved me, then AlAnon. First order of business was learning to detach from the behavior. When I found alcohol, leave it there. Don't touch it, don't mention it. Nothing I'm doing is stopping the behavior anyhow. That's where the 3C's come in to play: I didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There was nothing I could do to stop his drinking and stashing. But when I learned to detach, I found it didn't make ME crazy anymore. Decisions became clearer.
A great counselor saved me, then AlAnon. First order of business was learning to detach from the behavior. When I found alcohol, leave it there. Don't touch it, don't mention it. Nothing I'm doing is stopping the behavior anyhow. That's where the 3C's come in to play: I didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There was nothing I could do to stop his drinking and stashing. But when I learned to detach, I found it didn't make ME crazy anymore. Decisions became clearer.
My own story with this? I knew, right from the get-go, that my A is so much more devious than I could ever hope to be. I have refused to ever* look for his stash, b/c really, what would it prove? Only that he's a better hider than I am a finder. Well, we already KNOW that! I try to move forward basing my decisions on what I'm learning in MY life and what I see changing (or not) in his.
Anyway, that's my point of view. Don't have time or energy to waste on crap like that.
* About 5-6 weeks ago, I did check the place he told me he kept it, but that was a loooong post made back then, not for here or now. Will never do this again.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by honeypig
This ^^, exactly this. There is really no point in "showing" them that they drink; they KNOW that. There will be no triumph of logic over all when talking to an A. Simple fact. IMHO, the best thing to do is save your own sanity like Recovering did. Leave the bottles, leave the booze in them, just don't touch it. Not your side of the street.
My own story with this? I knew, right from the get-go, that my A is so much more devious than I could ever hope to be. I have refused to ever* look for his stash, b/c really, what would it prove? Only that he's a better hider than I am a finder. Well, we already KNOW that! I try to move forward basing my decisions on what I'm learning in MY life and what I see changing (or not) in his.
Anyway, that's my point of view. Don't have time or energy to waste on crap like that.
* About 5-6 weeks ago, I did check the place he told me he kept it, but that was a loooong post made back then, not for here or now. Will never do this again.
My own story with this? I knew, right from the get-go, that my A is so much more devious than I could ever hope to be. I have refused to ever* look for his stash, b/c really, what would it prove? Only that he's a better hider than I am a finder. Well, we already KNOW that! I try to move forward basing my decisions on what I'm learning in MY life and what I see changing (or not) in his.
Anyway, that's my point of view. Don't have time or energy to waste on crap like that.
* About 5-6 weeks ago, I did check the place he told me he kept it, but that was a loooong post made back then, not for here or now. Will never do this again.
I get what the counselor says but I have to disagree. I would not get angry and make it about me or a curing aspect but that I refused to walk on eggshells and live in his world of denial. So I leave bottles for him.saying look here it is. It happened. I know and this is how much.
Sweeping things under the rug is feeding into their addiction. We have to talk about not protect them ...otherwise we remain sick
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
I get what the counselor says but I have to disagree. I would not get angry and make it about me or a curing aspect but that I refused to walk on eggshells and live in his world of denial. So I leave bottles for him.saying look here it is. It happened. I know and this is how much.
Sweeping things under the rug is feeding into their addiction. We have to talk about not protect them ...otherwise we remain sick
Sweeping things under the rug is feeding into their addiction. We have to talk about not protect them ...otherwise we remain sick
No hiding or rug-sweeping involved, just a refusal to let the A's drinking run your life.
Just a suggestion.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by honeypig
Don't you think it might say a lot more if you seemed to be living a happy, fulfilling life regardless of what he's doing or not doing? Maybe making plans for YOUR life and what YOU want?
No hiding or rug-sweeping involved, just a refusal to let the A's drinking run your life.
Just a suggestion.
No hiding or rug-sweeping involved, just a refusal to let the A's drinking run your life.
Just a suggestion.
This is something I learned to do for myself not something that I just did from day one.
For me its been liberating.
But if leaving bottles alone workifor you. Power to you.
I dont like a dirty house and I dont like hiding from the problem and thats worked for me but what works for me might not work for you....but my way has giving me a voice and control over my own life and that makes me happy
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I have never felt so alive as I do putting my foot down and alcohol can take a backseat to my beliefs.
I think this to me was because I never voiced or spoke my concerns. I didnt reach out. I became sickened hy being a quiet little mouse and walking on eggshells. .
My strength that ive gained has been from being pretty much a royal b.
I speak up. I leave. I dont hide and I don't make excuses and if I werent to pick up the bottles they'd stay there (and thats gross) and if I just threw them away....they just be in the trash and im a kind of in your face girl now.
Sincerely a royal b
Lol
I think this to me was because I never voiced or spoke my concerns. I didnt reach out. I became sickened hy being a quiet little mouse and walking on eggshells. .
My strength that ive gained has been from being pretty much a royal b.
I speak up. I leave. I dont hide and I don't make excuses and if I werent to pick up the bottles they'd stay there (and thats gross) and if I just threw them away....they just be in the trash and im a kind of in your face girl now.
Sincerely a royal b
Lol
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I found that as long as I was reacting to her drinking in any way that I was still caught in the trap.
For me to get better I had to let go of her drinking completely and focus that energy on myself.
Your friend,
For me to get better I had to let go of her drinking completely and focus that energy on myself.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Dear Worriedmind,
I am not dismissing your current situation, but may I say, the "my significant other hides bottles everywhere" has got to be one the the highest repeated post on this board.
Your boyfriend has a problem, and that problem is alcohol.
There is nothing you can humanly do to help him.
please educate yourself about addiction, best to know the facts and what you are really dealing with, before you commit to more life aboard the crazy train.
The way I see it, you get to decide if this is an acceptable way to live.
You are young, you are in college, you can find a roommate, to stay with him for financial support is denying yourself a once in a lifetime experience. And with certainty, I say, you will soon find his unacceptable behavior, unacceptable, Actually you already have, you are here, and searching for a better solution.
You are not married to this guy, you are young and have the rest of your life to live. What's wrong with taking a break and allowing him the dignity and opportunity to sort out his life issues?
Currently, He is only doing what addicts do. This is how an addict lives and behaves. If this is not what you envisioned, only you can make new healthy choices for yourself.
You do realize you are allowing an out of control person, control over your one precious life? I can only speak from experience, IT WILL NEVER WORK THE WAY IT CURRENTLY IS.
I am not dismissing your current situation, but may I say, the "my significant other hides bottles everywhere" has got to be one the the highest repeated post on this board.
Your boyfriend has a problem, and that problem is alcohol.
There is nothing you can humanly do to help him.
please educate yourself about addiction, best to know the facts and what you are really dealing with, before you commit to more life aboard the crazy train.
The way I see it, you get to decide if this is an acceptable way to live.
You are young, you are in college, you can find a roommate, to stay with him for financial support is denying yourself a once in a lifetime experience. And with certainty, I say, you will soon find his unacceptable behavior, unacceptable, Actually you already have, you are here, and searching for a better solution.
You are not married to this guy, you are young and have the rest of your life to live. What's wrong with taking a break and allowing him the dignity and opportunity to sort out his life issues?
Currently, He is only doing what addicts do. This is how an addict lives and behaves. If this is not what you envisioned, only you can make new healthy choices for yourself.
You do realize you are allowing an out of control person, control over your one precious life? I can only speak from experience, IT WILL NEVER WORK THE WAY IT CURRENTLY IS.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I also understand about the hiding of the bottles. I am still finding them in random places about the house, and he moved out months ago! I never tried to find them. I never monitored the amount in each bottle. I never did any of that. By the evidence I did come across, it was clear to me this problem was way beyond my control and the only thing I could truly have a say about was my own life.
I drew a boundary: No alcohol in this house.
He crossed it. He left.
Simple as that.
Boy, things just look and feel FRESHER in my home and in my life now!! I literally feel as if a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I drew a boundary: No alcohol in this house.
He crossed it. He left.
Simple as that.
Boy, things just look and feel FRESHER in my home and in my life now!! I literally feel as if a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I never lived with my A so I can't comment on this. I do have a question though: Would an A still hide bottles if he/she lived alone?
I'm curious because a lot of you seem detached and like you don't really care where the bottles are, yet they are still hidden from you. In this type of situation, why doesn't the A just put them in the liquor cabinet? It almost seems like he is hiding the bottles from himself, and that hiding them is part of his denial.
I'm curious because a lot of you seem detached and like you don't really care where the bottles are, yet they are still hidden from you. In this type of situation, why doesn't the A just put them in the liquor cabinet? It almost seems like he is hiding the bottles from himself, and that hiding them is part of his denial.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
I never lived with my A so I can't comment on this. I do have a question though: Would an A still hide bottles if he/she lived alone?
I'm curious because a lot of you seem detached and like you don't really care where the bottles are, yet they are still hidden from you. In this type of situation, why doesn't the A just put them in the liquor cabinet? It almost seems like he is hiding the bottles from himself, and that hiding them is part of his denial.
I'm curious because a lot of you seem detached and like you don't really care where the bottles are, yet they are still hidden from you. In this type of situation, why doesn't the A just put them in the liquor cabinet? It almost seems like he is hiding the bottles from himself, and that hiding them is part of his denial.
You me or anyone else....they are going to behave like addicts until they face and fight for themselves and apart of this disease is denial and yets.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
I'm curious because a lot of you seem detached and like you don't really care where the bottles are, yet they are still hidden from you. In this type of situation, why doesn't the A just put them in the liquor cabinet? It almost seems like he is hiding the bottles from himself, and that hiding them is part of his denial.
And I think the bottles are just a distraction from the real problems--as has been said here many times, it's not like you can just remove alcohol and everything is perfect. There are attitudes, beliefs, habits and patterns that need to be dealt with also.
After reading, learning, going to meetings, I see that I can spend my time so much more productively by working on getting what I want to have in my life for myself rather than blaming someone else for not providing it. I volunteer on a CSA farm one day a week, I run and volunteer at races, I'm searching for a different job b/c my current one is no longer right, I'm reading Buddhist and 12-step books, I started doing daily journaling w/750 words.com--Any one of those things does more for me than searching for bottles ever would or could.
That's how it's been for me so far, anyway.
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