shortayp18

Hi everyone, ive been on this board before and my EX Alcoholic Fiance and i broke up 9 months ago and we were together for almost 6 years. Well i started dating someone like a couple months ago and we recently broke up...now you might remember my story... But anyways my ex tried to come back into my life texting me saying everything i wanted to hearrr.. AGAIN. Well i gave in a lil, which was a mistake. So i blocked his number and didnt talk to him for a week. And then at my cousins bday party last night...i was talking to my cousins wife and she's the sweetest ever, and we talked about everyhing and i got really emotional about my ex. So i unblocked him this morning...callled him and was crying. He didnt cry at all, but h'es like why are you doing this? And we actually ended up having a decent convo. I asked why he came back into my life and pretty much hurt me again and lied n said he was gonna stop and he's going to AA...and he said that he thought that was what he wanted and he wanted me back so bad that he was going to do it and stop. But then he realized that he was lying to himself and he was hurting himself and me by "TRYING" to do something he really didnt want to do. He admitted he's a full blown functioning alcholic, and he's okay with it b/c he still goes to work everyday and pays all his bills and does what he needs to do but he wants to drink everyday. HE says sometimes he's busy all day he doesnt think about drinking and somedays he cant wait to get off work and either drink a beer or get drunk. And he is okay with that. And he he told me he knows that im NOT okay with that. He's like "I know your not going to be happy with me b/c you dont think its okay, and i think its okay b/c im doing everything i have to do as an adult before i drink" He's like " i love you so much that im willing to walk away so i that i dont hurt you anymore, you deserve someone to love you and treat you so good and to have a family and to be with someone where you dont have to worry about them drinking or getting drunk or driving n drinking or any of that, and it sucks, and its hard to do but we just wont be happy together bc you will be upset and so will i"

Tuffgirl

Ok, so he just told you loud and clear who he is and what he wants his life to look like. I hope you believe him on this one, and feel good that he was at least honest with you about it all.

shortayp18

I do feel good, i feel like i needed to hear that from him and him being as sincere as saying that he wants me to be happy and to fall in love with someone that will make me happy and so i wont have to worry all the time about alcohol. But it just mind boggles me that he wouldnt want to change his life. He keeps saying i will never understand bc im not an alcoholic, and that no matter how many people i talk to that are alcoholics or recovering i will never understand how it is. And i agree but i dont think that means that he cant stop.

Tuffgirl

He can choose to stop, yes. He just doesn't want to. And I don't know of one recovering alcoholic who did want to. They chose to stop drinking because they had to. So far, he doesn't have to. The only thing he lost was you, and he is willing to call that good and keep drinking. He hasn't lost enough to cause real damage in his life (job, house, car, family, etc.) so he wants to keep drinking.

I can understand, and I think you can too. It's just sad to see someone make this choice. And he is still kinda blaming you here with the "you need to find someone to love you blah blah blah". But underneath that is his acknowledgement that it can't be him right now.

NYCDoglvr

He is being honest and stating clearly he chooses alcohol over you. I hope you can move on.

dandylion

shortay, he is doing exactly what he wants to do--and blaming you in the process. Classic alcoholic move.

Perhaps--look at it this way: This is the universe's way of protecting you. You may realize it this way...later.

dandylion

Mirage74

Yea, he is choosing alcohol over you. I hate to say this, but if he truly wanted to be with you, he would at least try to quit. It's good that you know so you can move on. Sorry it hasn't worked out.

HopefulinFLA

I'm sorry this is so upsetting for you. Loving an alcoholic can be so heartbreaking. Sounds like you've dodged a big bullet though. Count your blessings and go find a nice guy who really deserves you!

nbay2013

And here is the kicker. Stopping drinking is just a first step. In my case my EXAB quit and went to AA and seemed like a poster child of recovery. But as the months went by, he met with his with his sponsor only sporadically (not enough time), he didn't read any material (not enough time), he didn't do the steps (not enough time) or ( don't need the steps). His life remained chaotic, drama still reigned, and on top of it all he developed a huge resentment against me. He would say things like; I quit drinking for "us". " I am going to AA, what else do you want? " And the classic, "It's not like I abused you or murdered anyone".

Quitting drinking is huge, but it's the beginning of a journey for them. AND more importantly, for us friends and families also.

shortayp18

He quit for a year n then relapsed n then he tried to just drink socially n it just got worse so I gave him ultimatum and he chose the beer. Then 7 months later I gave in n talked to him n that's when he told Mr he wanted to quit and he wanted to be sober for himself and he started going to AA. But then he realized that he wasn't going to b Happy truley being sober n its not what he wanted for the rest of his life.

nbay2013

I am so sorry you had to go through all of this and all the heartbreak. I know it's so terribly difficult. I am glad you are on here, writing and getting feedback. I have been on this site for 32 days (not that I am counting). I have had 32 days of no contact with my EXAB and I have been reading, writing, venting, learning so much on this site. I have learned more in 32 days than the last two years; from learning my Ex was a closet/secret drinker to our eventual final breakup.

firebolt

At least hes honest! I hope it gave you some closure. Take care of yourself!

trixie56

I don't think it has so much to do with whether or not he wants to be with her. From what I've read on here and elsewhere about A's, they have to do it for themselves, not because of someone else right? I agree that really caring about someone can inspire them to want to change, or make some steps towards change. My EXABF came back to me after he said he wanted us to work out, and that he was 'changed.' This didn't last long, although I'm sure he blames me. I like to think that him going back to his A way of life didn't have much to do with his feelings toward me....I like to think of it more as his addiction is effecting his choices/judgement, and isn't a reflection of his feelings toward me. Even if I was his 'dream girl' or something, he'd probably still treat me horribly, and still love alcohol more. And if that's how it's gonna be, I guess I'm lucky he left!

Mirage74

Sorry trixie, gonna have to disagree. I'm an alcoholic, but if a girl I really cared for told me it was either her or alcohol, I'd choose her.

nbay2013

Hi Mirage;

Welcome to Friends and Family. I have got to ask, I think the obvious question. Wouldn't you stop for yourself and yourself only. That is what we, the family/spouses/friends of alcoholics have found in almost all cases. That the addict may initially quit at our insistence, but it doesn't stick. It has to so terribly uncomfortable to be in YOUR skin that that the idea of drinking becomes awful and worse than your problems. And we, the friends/spouses/families don't want to be put in the position of providing that discomfort by insisting or nagging or pleading or threatening. If it were as simple as asking them to stop, then this forum would not exist.

Keep reading and learning.

Mirage74

Nbay,

If I was at risk of losing my wife, I'd do everything I could to stop. That would be stopping for me. If an alcoholic refuses to quit even in the face of losing everything (family, job, etc.), he is choosing alcohol over those things. Sorry if you don't like that answer.

shortayp18

He got sober for a year and he said he did it bc of me, bc i threatened to leave him. He doesnt think his life is that bad enough to need to stop drinking. Even though him losing the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life is leaving he doesnt seem to think its worth it. I dont know if its the disease talking or what. He also says that its his personality, its who he is. Which i dont get one bit.

Mirage74

I want to clarify my statements, I think I was a little harsh. If an alcoholic spouse/bf keeps drinking, it's not necessarily a reflection of how he feels about you. It could be, I think it depends on the relationship, each one is different. He could care about you but decide the ultimatum to quit is too much. I shouldn't make blanket statements and I apologize.

trixie56

I had a very similar experience with my XABF. He broke up with me because he wanted to go back to "partying," but regretted his decision and came back to me because he'd "changed." He did change, but it was only temporary and it became clear to be that alcohol was going to be #1 over me...

I think my ex also viewed it as part of his identity. He'd always been a partier, a social, lighthearted person. It's the only thing he and his giant group of friends did. I think this makes it harder for people to give up alcohol, because it's formed so much of who they are...When my ex said he'd 'changed,' he did stop drinking for almost a year, but I don't think he did any of the emotional/mental work I've realized is required. I think this is probably why it was super easy to fall back into his drinking routine, no matter that I was back with him. He actually ended up becoming very resentful towards me very quickly after we got back together and he started getting drunk again.

I think my ex and your ex probably had good intentions, but just realized they weren't ready/weren't able to go through with the whole change that's necessary to be sober and healthy. There's nothing you could've done or said to have made him stay and change. They might be ready one day...but maybe not. It's hard to accept that someone would choose that over the love someone is offering them. But, I see it's a pattern that's continually repeated in so many stories here on SR. Reading them has helped me come to terms with much of this.

shortayp18

ALSO MY EX'S FRIEND ON FACEBOOK PUT THIS AS HIS STATUS ABOUT ME!

If you love someone you love them for all their flaws. Your not supposed to sit around and try and change him and make him waht you want him to be...if you want that then go buy a dog. You need to move on!. Luke's happy! You couldnt except him for the man he was, so you left. Your supposed to be there for the one you love and except heir flaws and love them. Not sit around and compeletly change a person to be your lil puppet. His yes are wide open, he see's your a control freak and he's happy right now. You lost him, let it go!!!

I got so hurt when i read this...this guy has always been a *******, he was from the begining and telling me i was too controlling....he doesnt know what i went thru and how i tried so hard...and it was just so rude