Sad today
 

Today is the baby's second birthday. Two years ago my AH was purportedly in recovery and I was still making decisions based on a life together. I was so happy, truly. Within a month, AH relapsed and left for rehab, leaving me at home alone to recover from surgery with a newborn by myself. A year ago, the day we had the baby's birthday, I was sure I smelled alcohol on him after nearly a year. He denied it. Within a month, shortly after our fifth wedding anniversary, I kicked him out for good after discovering his umpteenth relapse.

The bad history is all there, and yet I still miss him and I am scared about my future alone with these kids. I chose bad dads for them. My relationship with my overbearing and controlling parents has deteriorated to almost nothing. My friends are busy. I just feel so alone and like my poor decisions are exposed.

Yesterday the baby did her birthday at her paternal grandparents. Like they prefer, they are still in serious denial about AH's disease. Big party, tons of presents, lots of activity. He has no job. He lives in their basement. We are dividing our stuff in the divorce and he comes over here picking this and that like its a shopping trip. New shoes every time i see him. I haven't received my support check from him this month. I bought cupcakes and $30 of toys. It's just the two of us today and I am having a hard time working up an attitude even close to celebration.

Broke, sad, and overwhelmed. Missing what might have been but wasn't. The day the baby was born was one of the happiest of my life, but within hours, AH's toxicity was overwhelming. I'm just sad, the grief comes and goes. I didn't want this for me or my kids.

Oh, Florence, you are having a 'down day". Anniversaries are notorious for triggering these. I can certainly understand why, though--given your circumstances.

This is still relatively new--of course, you are still going through the grieving process.
Just because it is like this today doesn't mean it will be like this forever. Circumstances don't remain static. It is not going to always be like this.

Can you think of anything to do that might change the mood for you and the kids? something to salvage the rest of the day? Reclaim some hapiness---don't let the b*****ds steal your laughter!

dandylion

Birthdays always do this to me. High expectations and deep, deep disappointment. It was worse with AH because he always relapsed or flaked out or found a way to ruin any holiday that wasn't about him, mine and my sons both. My mom also liked to sabotage my big days too. I need to untrain myself from feeling this way. I can't repeat their ******** with my kids with my baggage.

I'm trying to get it together so we can do something fun.

:dance8::dance8::dance8:Way to go, Florence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Florence. From your posts, I know you to be a brave, strong woman. Anniversaries are hard, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I applaud you for knowing that you can (and will!!) break the cycle.

I hope today turns wonderful for you.

Oh sweetie, sending you huge hugs today!!! Hapy Birthday to the little one, too!!! You are such a strong woman and an inspiration on these boards. You are special to God and to all of us here. No one can take that away from you and I do hope that you enjoy your day and eat some birthday cake and maybe do something just for you.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

Honestly, I call all holidays "HALLMARK HOLIDAYS"
Because of slick advertising, we think all special days must be like a Hallmark card, the perfect family around the perfect table, eating perfect food and wearing big smiles.

Your baby is 2 she won't remember the huge party, pile of gifts, etc.
Take your children to a park, play with them at home and just enjoy their sweet little faces...they will grow up all too soon, but WILL remember how much their mommy loves them......

What about a little excursion someplace outside and beautiful with your two sons? Take a picnic, enjoy nature, take some pictures of your kids laughing and playing.

There is much to be sad about, yes, and I, too, know the anniversaries and birthdays are so hard.

AND, there is much to be joyful about! You have rescued yourself from a bad marriage. You have freed your sons from repeating the childhood you had.

You are free to create the life you want for you and yours.

I think the loneliness and loss and longing for people we have had to leave behind is, in the end, far less than the joy of creating a new life with happy loving people who value and cherish you and your sons.

So, take a step into the future and do what makes you all happy, even for a bit, today.

Many hugs,
ShootingStar1

Oh Florence!! Hugs to you! Yes, grief sucks...and it takes so damn long too. And it feels as if the sadness will never end.

Hate it!!! I am so sorry it's grabbed you today---holidays and birthdays are rough. We have our romantic fantasies, don't we?

I think part of recovery is learning to feel it and still be good to ourselves through even the most despairing feelings. It is hard sometimes to continue doing our recovery behaviors as we shepherd ourselves through our fears and continue doing the next right thing. We want some glitter and rainbows and so it's hard to appreciate ourselves for the courage we have. We *have* to keep picking up that frying pan and battle our desire to escape and give up, because it takes time for our circumstances to reflect the profound changes we are pushing ourselves through!!!

Love to you and your kids....

Can't add to the great stuff everyone else wrote.

You know that this, too, shall pass. I used to be the same way about birthdays, holidays, special days like anniversaries. Even with my first husband, who was/is an awesome guy in so many ways, I was constantly disappointed that other people didn't make me feel as "special" as I wanted to feel. Since I finally got around to lowering my expectations to zero in that department, I really enjoy the little cool things that DO happen on those special days. They don't happen every time, but when they do, they are really fun surprises.

Thinking of you, Florence.

When baby has many more birthdays & baby achieves lots of "firsts" & special moments it will all be worth the parenting you put in, I promise.
You can do this, you are a good Mum & don't you forget it.
Hugs.

Sending you hugs and strength! I hope your day turned into a happy one after all. You are a great Mom!

Hugs, Florence.

It gets better.

Oh Florence, I can really feel your sadness in your post. I'm sorry yesterday was such a down day for you. I sometimes feel that way too on days that are supposed to be special. They won't all be bad like this, and will get better and better as time goes on.

Sending you lots of love!

Me too Lexie. It's so amazing that when you stop expecting special things to happen, they all of sudden do start to happen. And they come from the most unexpected places!