sugapie

Good morning,
This is my first post and I have been viewing this website for a few months and it has been very helpful. It is nice to know I am not the only one, I wish no one had this problem. I have been married 10 years and in my fifties. Guilty as charged, I drank with the AH and was his drinking buddy. I have stopped drinking and this is when I noticed all the signs. I went to a coaching course and realized that I was not the one with a problem (self esteem) Aha moment! I have been going to Alanon for a few months now. I have also just lost my job due to restructuring and am looking for a job and feel totally trapped and out of control.

I have been asking him to go to the doctor for over a year now and he keeps saying he will go, but never does. He has pain in his left foot and I suspect he may have other things. He isn't looking very good. His stomach is also quite big. He has told me that he will not quit drinking, which makes me very sad. I had a meltdown on Monday and cried most of the day.
One day, I feel sorry for him, one day I hate him. It is such a whirlwind of emotions. I do not buy him alcohol. I do not pour his drinks. I, however don't say anything when he is drinking. Our communication is surface. I don't ask him for advice in case he flies off the handle. But he is always sometimes very nice, hence a roller coaster of emotions. I speak to friends and family and now this forum. He goes to work everyday, but also drinks every day. He has vodka and rum going, (probably so I can't figure out how much he is drinking) I just have to look at him to know.
When we first met, we used to work out 3 times a week and go running every Saturday, this does not happen anymore. We now sometimes go for a walk, but he is always under the influence when we go for a walk.

I know deep in my heart, that he will not stop drinking. He has drank every day since I have met him. (I had never been around an alcoholic) He told me, a few drinks doesn't hurt...(gullable me). every day.

What should my next step be? Get a job, then work on leaving? I am so torn.

Sheila

thislonelygirl

Sorry your going through this.
Best advice I can offer is to consult a lawyer.
Itll be hard and he may quack and claim hell change. Wouldn't that be a perfect world if he did though? But unlikely and false promises.
I wish you the best and I think you know what you want and dont want. Good for you.

sugapie

Thank-you for the advice. I am thinking of doing that. He controls everything financially and since I am not working, I don't know if I should wait until I get a job, or should I forge ahead with the lawyer? Sometimes I think I am over-exaggerating as he is always on his best behavior in front of people when we are out, but then again, when we have company, which I don't have anymore because he would just put down everything that I cooked or the way I cooked it, so I don't put myself through that anymore. We have downsized to a condo and this is his dream to live down by the beach and I know that this dream is going to be shattered for him, as we will most likely have to sell. We still have a mortgage on the condo. I wish I was in a better situation financially, where I could just pack up and find a place to rent.

This really hurts a lot. :-(

dandylion

Dear sugapie,You sound like you are feeling very miserable...and I am so sorry.

You don't have to live like this. He has made himself clear. The hard truth is that any change is going to have to come from you. Your boundaries; your decisions; your actions.

Consulting a lawyer, as suggested above, would be a good way to start. You will need to know your rights and "the lay of the land". Thankfully, you have family and friends and alanon for emotional support.

Your future rests in your own hands.

You are not alone. Everyone has more courage than they actually think; Courage arrives when there is no other option.

dandylion

sugapie

Thank-you, you are right. It seems like that consulting a lawyer is really the only step I can take at this point unless I want to stay in a lonely unhealthy relationship with no intimacy either for over 6 years.

dandylion

Wow, sugapie, 6yrs. is a long time to be this miserable. There is never any glory in giving away our happiness.

How about going about the job search while consulting legal advice?? The more you actually go into action--the m ore likely your confidence and self-esteem will begin to build. I can imagine that your self-esteem has taken quite a "hit"?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with...a....single....step.........

dandylion

sugapie

Yeah, it is a long time. I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I am going to do exactly what you suggested. I used to be a fun loving easygoing person and was very confident.
I do owe it to myself to be happy. It is all so sad because there is a good person inside of the AH. I hate seeing what he is doing to himself and what he has done to us.
Dandylion, you are helping me, thank-you.

Lyssy

Almost 18 years is longer (that is where I am at). Although I do have a job and finacially stable, I am strggling also. I have the name and # of a lawyer in my purse, I have yet to call and set up an appointment. I dont have any advise, but wish you the best and take it one day at a time. Things will happen when and as they should. I struggle with this also, but just have to push the doubt to the back of my brain and deal with today.

sugapie

Awww Lyssy I am sorry to hear that. 18 years is a long time. I hope you get the courage to pull that number out of your purse. It is about our own happiness and we both deserve that. I am going to seek legal advice next week as part of my baby steps. Do you go to alanon? I have gone the past couple of months and it has helped to know that we are not alone.

Lyssy

Thanks. For what is worth today is his 6 mo sober anniversary. He may not be drinking, but he is not living and I see more and more that I need to be away from him to grow and heal.

On the good side, my house and life havent been this clean and organized in probably 15 years lol.

I attend alanon on line and am in individual counseling. There are no f2f meetings either close to me or at a time I can attend. I enjoy the online alanon as well as the online AA mettings. I learn a lot from the AA meetings.

sugapie

That is good for him. Yes, I have heard that even when they stop drinking, the relationship
is hard to heal. LOL.. Clean house, clean mind. That is good that you are getting the support. I hope that you get happiness in the near future. You deserve it!

Lyssy

So do you! We all do.

Hammer

s i n c e you asked . . . .

My vote is JOB NOW.

Gets you something to do and get your mind off All-This-Crap-All-The-Time.

You know about indeed.com? Covers most all the jobs most anywhere. But indeed.com does not hit Craigslist, so scan that, as well. craigslist.org

Next Alanon. Go like the rest of your life depends on it. It does. Figure out how you got in this mess, how to best deal with it, and the best path forward - and which direction is forward.

By the time you hit Step 11 -- the God's Will, God's Way step -- you will be sailing like a greased rocket ship, and not so worried or bothered about any of it.

The "Always All About the A" thinking will be fading fast behind you. Whether you go-stay-runaroundintinycircles thinking will just seem like nonsense to you.






So Get Going. Now.





You still reading this?





Go.

sugapie

Yes, job is important, I agree! It's not so easy in your 50's. I have a lot of skills and I am on every job board you can think of. I lost my job on July 8th, so that has been my focus for sure. I have been going to alanon for 2 months now and plan on going for a long time.
Thanks for the push...:-)

pravchaw

I agree that getting a Job is job #1. Also take stock of your financial situation - what will you get after splitting up. The fact that you are out of job, is making it harder to handle the loneliness.

thislonelygirl

Theres no harm in a consultation and a lawyer will work with you to make the best decisions. First consultations are usually free. I would maybe get an opinion on how to preceed forward first. A lawyer will help with that to your personal lifestyle situation and state laws.
Its easy for someone in your situation to think their over reacting or crazy after all thats what keeps their comfy lives going.....making us believe we are the crazy ones.
Good luck. You deserve happiness . Dont let anyone rob you of that

sugapie

Update: I have a third interview for a job. My AH has gone to the doctors and the doctor is ordering an array of tests for him. He told me the other day that he has blood in his stool. Can't be a good thing. He is still drinking and he was honest with the doctor about drinking and the doctor said that it is alcohol abuse, I know it is dependency, but through the tests, hopefully the doctor will be able to determine that the severity of his drinking. I have a strong feeling that my husband has health issues just because of his lack of energy and he has gained weight. He doesn't sleep well at night. He has drank for a lot of years.
When I told my AH that I was leaving and I discussed the finances and splitting, he did a lot of thinking. I went away for a few days to visit my sister to clear my head and have a few days of rest and relaxation. When I returned, the AH said, BTW, I have made a doctors appointment. He has tried to be on his best behavior. Last night I went to Alanon and when I returned he was drunk, more than normal. So I go to Alanon and he drinks more?
I asked my husband if the doctor recommends rehab, he said he would take the time off work. We shall see. My eyes are wide open and I have opened the dialogue to leaving, I have not closed that door.

Anyone experienced this and what happened? What can I expect the outcome to be?

honeypig

IMHO, I think the safest thing is to try not to have ANY expectations and just forge ahead w/your life and plans. He showed no interest in getting sober until you were threatening to upset the apple cart by getting a job and moving out, so I have to doubt how serious he truly is now.

Even if he is totally serious, the recommendation is usually for the A to show a year of good solid recovery before you think about picking up the threads of a relationship again. The mere promise to go to rehab doesn't mean a lot....

Keep forging on w/what YOU want and need in your life. He'll show you soon enough what you need to know regarding his intentions, I believe.

sugapie

Thanks! I think you are right! Talk is cheap and actions speak. He is on his best behavior ,for an alcoholic right now and it makes it easy to coast. I took advice and am focusing on getting a job and next step is to find out what illness he has from the doctor and what will happen. Yes, no expectations. I have a few back up plans. My sister has offered for me to stay with her until I get myself together. Another friend has a basement suite and I can use that as well. I have not talked about leaving him. I am waiting to see what the outcome is on the doctor's findings. I know that if he does not go to rehab, my decision to leave stands. He has been drinking for at least 30 years and his family are alcoholics. His father passed away when he was 47 and my husband is 57. The family doesn't disclose what he died from, just a lot of cancers? I am sure drinking was involved.

Sheila

fourmaggie

start with an awesome GROUP...then job and then PREPARE....

its all about patience and preparing for the future...

~hugs