Is he capable of a relationship?

Old 08-18-2013, 04:48 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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My mother held a very good civil service job for an entire 31 years while being an active A. But the disease progressed and she got to the point where she was forced to retire and cut her income severely ($100k/year to about $40k), just because she was "sick" so often that she couldn't make it to work more than two days a week. She was hungover pretty much every day for the last two years she worked. She is still drinking herself to death now, after three rehab trips and 30 days here and there white knuckling it. Her former coworkers still believe that she just had chronic sinus infections or whatever bs she threw at them for years on end. Her current doctor is an old friend of hers and has pretty much the same attitude you do (it's just the stress getting to her, blah blah blah, ad nauseum). And he's supposed to be an addiction specialist. My point here is that he can't be objective to her just like you aren't being objective to Mr. Wonderful.

You have kids... Run like hell and keep him away from your children. Isn't the abuse of one A enough for a lifetime? I spent my entire life clicking my heels together, praying for someone, somewhere to get me out of that living hell. I would never do that to my children. If you won't turn away for yourself, then at least do it for the ones who don't have a choice.
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Old 08-18-2013, 05:16 PM
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Welcome to SR
I would suggest running a mile.
As this is a new relationship I would end it before you get caught up.
It sounds to me like he's had too many slips/benders to be a recovering alcoholic.
Don't get sucked in.
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Old 08-18-2013, 06:27 PM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Yea, drunks can be quite charming and very manipulative as well. He isn't really sober, he is sometimes but it's hit or miss. Most people lie with internet romances. Let it go. Otherwise you're headed for a lot of misery. I promise. Don't go anywhere near an alcoholic even one who SAYS he has been sober a while. But he HAS been drinking and it doesn't sound like he's told you about those times.

Read these posts, you'll find lots of lies by alcoholics that codependents bought much to their regret.
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Old 08-18-2013, 07:55 PM
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Wow Heather. If you go through with this relationship, please believe that you will be on this site for a long time to come. English Garden said everything perfectly! I wish I had found this site before I got involved with my AH. I did what you are doing, I believed him and have him every excuse in the book for things. I didn't listen either , not to my family, not to the therapist specializing in abuse and alcoholism, not the psychiatrist who treats my AH, not even the rehab facility. It was not until his third time in rehab and me finding this site did I begin to believe it. My children have been permanently damaged emotionally by me introducing this man into their lives. I will never forgive myself for believing all of the lies he told me. I have known him all of my life, but had not been around him since college when we reconnected. Everything he said to me was either a lie or am exaggeration. All the excuses about how horrible his then wife was, why he had cheated on her in the past, how he had a heart condition and she claimed he was an alcoholic, how if I have him a chance he would treat me like a queen, how we would be one big happy family and have more children of our own together. Also the lies about the kind of lifestyle he led. How many properties he owned, etc etc etc. all LIES!!! I got pregnant and the shame of being pregnant and unwed terrified me. I married him. This man that I made into the perfect man in my mind, this man that I had been attracted to my entire life, this man that I thought was the answer to all of my prayers is the worst mistake of my life!!! But more importantly, I destroyed my children's lives by moving them to a place where we knew no one except this man. And he has terrorized and emotionally and verbally abused them for the past six years. There was a point that I should have and could have walked away. I am working on getting to that point again. Please do yourself and more importantly your children a favor, run in the opposite direction!! Do not look back! Go to alanon, find a codependency therapist and get healthy for your kids! Everyone on this site has your best interest in mind. Please learn from our mistakes!!! Please walk away. If it is meant to be an he is that wonderful, he will be that wonderful a year from now after he has had a full year of sobriety. And maybe this will be his kick in the pants to change for his future!
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Old 08-18-2013, 09:26 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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I'm new here .... But not new to the disease(s) of addiction. This is an amazing site! But if I may, put my two cents in ...

I am the seat belt for my four kids to the "crazy train" my AH has been driving for over a decade!

Why would you put your kids through that?

I've been a rock for my daughter (she's a step daughter, but the only steps in my house are the ones leading to the second floor of our home) she has a horrible relationship with her dad, I brought my son from my 1st marriage (also an Alcoholic) into this nightmare because of how fooled we were, but then again I should have know better right? But let's face it ... It was no accident he found me! From one alcoholic to another ... He's struggled a lot having not one but two alcoholic dads. Then I go and allow two more blessings (my youngest kids) into this wack a doodle situation??!!!!

I'm not sorry or regretfully, b/c then I wouldn't have theses four beautiful souls ........ But really, I live with the sadness that I can't fix their sadness. Again, I'm confused you would even consider an unhealthy relationship at this point.

I do wish you health & happiness.
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Old 08-18-2013, 09:42 PM
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Being with this guy feels like the most awesome bliss and happiness you've ever experienced, doesn't it?

I know I know! It felt that way for me too!!! Even when he "broke character" and said and did things that made me freeze-up and feel anxious. Doubting myself about having a concerned feeling.

But then you shake off that moment of doubt and anxiety and turn back to the wonderfulness that is HIM and just soak it in...I know I know! I know just how it feels.

He may even believ his own lies, which feels to you like his sincerity...I know mine felt that way and he did try...but the chaos he creates for himself was there too and boy....wow... did it ever consume everything including me.

Anyway, BECAUSE you feel so blissed out and thrilled and attracted to him is exactly why you should stop and think about your own hesitations.... I'll bet as soon as you feel that *hesitation* you freeze up and brush it under the rug as quick as you can, right?

I know!
I wish I'd had people who would guide me through the fog back when I met him!! But the drama of it all...like it was meant to be..... crazy energy going on!!! Your hyperfocus on him and how he 'makes' you feel is enthralling you.

Please, Heather---I sure hope you stop, think, re-read this thread and think some more...
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Old 08-18-2013, 10:22 PM
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Heather,
As strong as we all feel that you should not pursue this relationship for reasons stated on past post, I hope you do realize we will be the same people that support you through decisions and mistakes. You are correct everyone makes mistakes. My hope is that you learn from ours and avoid some future ones for yourself. But regardless, this is a no judgement zone. We offer support and our own stories that will hopefully help others.
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Old 08-19-2013, 02:24 AM
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Yes 6 month is long enough. It sounds like he's truly on his way to recovery and going to make an amazing partner. I'm guessing with his recovery, he won't ever drink or cheat again. He sounds like a great guy.

That's the answer you were looking for on here, right?

The replies in here we spot on correct, but there is no way you will be able to absorb the truth from these replies. Sometimes people need to just run head first into a wall before they realize the consequences.

Truthfully, I don't even think the issue here is the nightmare you're about to walk into. The real issue is about your own sobriety from severe codependency. If you subjected yourself to a man for 8 yrs who is an addict and had kids with him and now are looking for the same insanity, you need the help, not this unfortunate soul you just met on line.

We need to talk about your disease, not his.

I won't even ask how you knew who to contact to ask about him, but you've "known" the guy 4 whole weeks and you met him once and you already know which women to contact to get info on him.

No matter what anyone here tells you, I have no doubt you're going into this head-on and not because he's a catch or you have hope he's a great man, but because you're not well. Fear of loneliness, fixing, need to be loved, need a man for your kids...whatever you're addiction is, you will continue this mess until you get yourself help.

Sorry my reply sounds harsh, but the truth is never want we want to hear and it's never pretty.

This guy is a disaster and you're about to have the ride of your life, but could be the rock bottom you need to finally get yourself well. Pain is a great motivator to healing so sounds like you need more of it.

Sad part, your kids have to go along for this ride on the crazy train. A no win situation for them because they have a mom who really needs help.

Such is life......good luck
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