pugpin

I am the mother of a 19 year old daughter. She's very successful and starting her second year of college in a pre-med/biology/chem. program.

We are devistated because since she went to college the following has things have happened:

Last year, she nearly died from severe alcohol poisoning. Her blood alcohol level was so high she has no memory of gastric lavage (stomach pumping). She was at college when this happened and due to HIPAA we had no idea until she told us two days later. The school enforced their warnng policy. This warning will not go on her record and she had to attend some alcohol counseling. She's been informed that any further alcohol related offenses will result in her having a warning on her record and even expulsion.

A couple of months after this happened, she called my cell phone in the middle of the night. She was drunk and rambing. I played her the message the next day. She had no memory of calling.

This last week, I found tons of empty and full bottles of liquor, wine and beer in her closet.

These are the just the things we are aware of. I have come to the conclusion my daughter has a drinking problem that must be addressed. I'm so scared for her but having grown up in an alcoholic home, I know the outcome is up to her. We've told her we will not bail her out if she gets into trouble, period.

She's throwing her life away. I can't sleep and live in fear.

I wish I could get on the chat room but it says I'm not verified or something.

pinkdog

Welcome pugpin, You came to a great place. It sounds like you need the al-anon group. It's a little slow being Saturday. Some more posters will be along. My hopes are with you.

pugpin

My husband and I are both scared for our daughter who of course thinks she's handling things just fine. I don't even know who she is anymore. She's manipulative and even downright mean. We don't think she'll be going to medical school much less complete college at the rate she's going. Most of all I'm scared she's going hurt herself, someone else or have legal problems.

dandylion

pugpin, it sounds like she is living at home? Could I ask--how much are you helping her?--as in paying tuition, car, living expenses, etc?

dandylion

pugpin

She's living home during breaks and summer. She works during the summer at a camp so she's not here much. We won't allow her to have a car because of what happened but she does drive one of ours. We pay for her tution, phone, etc. but she does contribute with money she makes from her work. The rule is she couldn't drive unless she worked so she's worked since she was 16.

She feels because she works, gets good grades and is so goal orriented she should get a free pass on the drinking stuff. She just won yet another award so she's feeling totally vindicated.

dandylion

pugpin, she is at such a pivotal age, and I understand how difficult this feels for a parent. I have been down that road. Technically, she is still a teenager! Her brain is not yet fully developed---especially the frontal lobes where judgement, decision making , planning, etc. resides. She is, no doubt, going through the dependence vs. independence life transition, and her brain is very vulnerable to the effects of alcohol. There is a LOT going on! AND--peer group is almost everything.

At this point, career goals are not as important as her development as a person--in my opinion. She probably would love to sweep the drinking under the rug--but, I think that would be a colossal mistake.

It is very important that you get immediate help for yourselves, as parents. The more support--the better. You need to be educated as to this disease---so much is counter-intuitive to parents. And, no doubt, she may become very (VERY) angry with you, at times. She may try to split the parents.

Have you discussed an alcohol rehab program with her, as yet?

dandylion

wolfpackfan45

Hi pugpin. My 22 year old son is a recovering alcoholic, so I know what you're going through and how it feels. He is in college also. We knew he drank while at college, but had no idea how serious the problem was until we got a phone call from the hospital where he'd been taken for detox one day. His apt room was full of empty liquor bottles and beer cans and looked like a dump. We were devastated. When I looked back at his behavior I felt like a fool because I hadn't picked up on the signs. He rarely came home from college (always an excuse, all of which turned out to be lies), stopped taking care of his physical appearance, wouldn't return our calls, texts, and emails, and became hateful, mean, and began lying to us. I was concerned about the changes I was seeing, but alcoholism never entered my mind. Fortunately he hit what was his bottom (at least I hope it was) one night and called an ambulance. His anxiety and withdrawal symptoms scared him so badly he couldn't take it anymore. He begged for help and admitted all. We brought him home for awhile to love with us while he went to AA and counseling. He missed a semester of school. He's been back now for 6 months and has been sober for 9 months. I attend AlAnon and have found it has helped me tremendously. I learned that everything I was doing for him that I thought was a good thing for a parent to do was actually the opposite of what I should be doing. My best advice is that you get to an AlAnon meeting as soon as you can. The people in that room will help you more than you can ever know. Unfortunately, your daughter has to want to stop drinking in order to get better. She has to realize she has a problem with alcohol in order to get better. You can't fix this for her, as hard as that is to take as a parent. I believe that our son hit his because of something I DIDN'T do. He didn't come home last year for fall break because he said he was ill (in reality he was binge drinking alone in his apt., but I didn't know it at the time). I begged him to let me go there to help him and he became really belligerent and yelled at me. So I got annoyed and let him be. I detached and didn't even know it. I didn't call him, and I let him be. That's when he realized he needed help and had to stop the alcohol. When we detach and let them deal with the consequences of their behavior it is actually more helpful than trying to find a solution for them. It took me awhile to learn this. Please try to get to an AlAnon meeting. I know the fear you're feeling. Been there. Hang in there and please keep us updated on how it's going.

pugpin

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry your son went through such a difficult, lonely time. I am grateful he's on the right track.

My daughter goes to a small college in a small town. They require their students live on campus for the first two years. She even lives with some of the students she went to high school with. This has been a saving grace for her because they looked out for her. I am extreemely grateful for that.

After the alcohol poisoning, we took the advice of the counselor at the school and didn't make a big deal about it. It isn't uncommon for freshmen, girls in particular to have this issue because they are not used to the constant access fo liquor. She was so upset after it happened because she's the kind of person who does not like to get into trouble. She prides herself on being a good student, worker, etc.. At that time, we told her we were giving her that one chance.

It only took a couple of months for her to abuse alcohol again. I should have really taken some harder steps at that time. The bottles in her room are the bottles she and her friends take around to parties. We were so upset to discover she was driving with open containers in our car or anyone's car. She believes if she does not drink and drive everything is fine.

This week, my husband and realized she's causing problems in our relationship because she plays us against eachother. My husband finally saw what I'm seeing, the manipulating, the nastiness, etc.. Now that my husband has has seen the light, she won't be able to divide and conquer.

I hope we can get through to her.

dandylion

pugpin, I believe that the situation should be taken seriously. She is also with girls who are drinking, also--and I cannot emphasize how much peer group influence matters at this age. You are unlikely to "get through to her in the way you would like--she is most likely to see you as the enemy and react in anger. You certainly can set boundaries, but you are ill prepared to be therapist to her.

I would suggest that, in addition to alanon (very important) that you consult with a psychologist that has experience with adolescents/young adults AND is versed in alcoholism and drugs.

She is at an important crossroads in her life. With young people, the sooner these issues are addressed--the better. If there are serious problems--they will not go away on their own.

Believe me, I understand how difficult this is and how worried you are. I believe that it is time to consult with professionals who have experience. And, alanon for you as parents---it is easy to feel sooo isolated and alone, right now.

dandylion

NWGRITS

Welcome to SR, pugpin! You've been given some great advice here. I would just like to add that you may want to rethink having her drive your vehicle, if she is on your insurance. Should something happen and someone gets injured while she is driving, you are ultimately liable. You've mentioned her driving with open containers in the car. That is just a recipe for disaster. Please, please seek help from a therapist and Al-Anon. You need to look out for yourselves, including your home, car, and your sanity.

pugpin

Thank you dandy,

You are 100% correct about everything you said. The college has a great mental health/alcohol counselors on staff. She had sessions with them after the incident but she did not go beyond the required sessions. We are going to speak to the mental health counselors at the school and get them involved.

I'm also going to have her see a therapist here before she goes back to school.

You are right, she only sees me as the enemy. She will really see me as the enemy if she gets herself into a bind and I don't come to rescue. I know that's what has to happen.

I plan on attending alanon meetings because I know how hard it is to stand your ground. My Dad was in AA and my mother was in Alanon. I've gone to CODA meetings in the past. I'm familiar with the program so that does help a bit.

Yes, I feel very scared all the time. I have an anxiety disorder and this situation isn't helping. I do go to a therapist for that.

pugpin

NWGRITS,

My husband is dealing with the car issue tomorrow. Fortunately, she does not have a car at school.

We can't have her putting our security in jeapordy.

dandylion

Good, I am glad that you already have some familiarity with the resources available. Try to relax--as much as you can (LOL). You are going to need your serenity for the long haul.

I know you feel like the world is crashing down around you, right now. But, actually, you are going to work your way through this--esp. with the support of knowlegable others.

Many, many parents have walked in your shoes!!!! Above all, do NOT go on a guilt trip (we parents are good at this).

dandylion

honeypig

Pugpin, welcome to SR--sorry you're in the kind of turmoil that makes any of us come here. I don't have anything to add to what's been posted already, would just second the recommendation to get to Alanon. I'm glad you're familiar w/the program to some extent and plan to use it.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your (seemingly gifted, since she is in med school) daughter pursue this path of self-destruction. At least you are free of the illusion that you can somehow control her behavior and her addiction, so you're starting out w/more knowledge than many.

If you can, take some time and read the stickied threads at the top of the page. You may find something of use in that area. Here's a link to one thread that might help. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Again, welcome. I wish you strength as you move ahead and hopefully some moments of peace here and there.

pugpin

Thank you honey. I read that link and it says it all. I needed the reminder.

Michael59

Pugpin,,,I have read you post a couple of times and wasn't sure I should reply because I felt it probaly wasn' going to be to polpular of a reply.They say you can't control but at this age where you still have her at home,, paying tuition,,phone,, etc.I say its time for some tough love,,intense counseling, in patient care, something,whatever you can do.Don't let this girl ruin her life! My AW started drinking about the same age,,maybe alittle younger and 40 years she is still going strong. £he came from a Christian home and her parents tell me they prayed about it,,well that didn't work.She has had 4 failed marriges and pretty much screw up on a daily bases.She has a 18 yr old son that's heading down the same path and she tells him " there is nothing wrong with drinking once in a while".At that age you just can't understand the effects alcohol has on you till its to late.Please save you daughter,,I wish you luck.

Hammer

A's are users. They use people. Stop being "useful" and you will stop being used.

In Mrs. Hammer's case, she was doing well (enough) in school, also. But it was a high dollar private school, and they threatened to kick her out, as they do not graduate A's. Bad for the school name, and a drunk diminishes everyone else's school experience.

I suppose it is too bad other schools rarely share that value system. Forced her into AA. Took about a year to get solid. That was about 16 years ago. She came out with better grades for the AA experience, as well. However, the underlying mental issues were/are still there.

She has pulled the "enemy" routine on her mom before. Leaves her mom shell-shocked and scared. Turns her mom totally Codie. Basically A's of this type are bullies.

She has tried the "enemy" routine on me since return from rehab about 9 months ago (yeah, A's never stop being A's do they?) Just leaves me disgusted and wanting to get away from her.

A perfect storm, huh?

But as you learned in your steps through this world before . . . . when "our lives became unmanageable" turns out to be a great place.

Step 1.

pugpin

Michael and Hammer. You are both correct in what you are saying. I am open to what everyone has to say. Obviously, my way has not been working. I'd rather hear and face the truth. Being in denial hasn't panned out so well.