nbay2013

31 days of NC with XAB. I went onto a online dating site.

Bad idea. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack.

To my fellow SR folks. Any experience with wanting to date, knowing it's probably too soon, and the desire is from the pain of loss, and the unwillingness to feel the intense feelings of loneliness and feelings of annihilation and insignificance?

I was having a decent chat with a fellow via email; maybe three sentences in a neutral conversation he asks me if I like to "kiss and cuddle". WTF? Like who doesn't and WTF? and how lame.

Anyway,

ugggg

trixie56

Yes! I'm right there with you. I want to get out there, but I'm also feeling like its too soon. I'm still battling some anger, resentment, depression, etc, and I know all that won't be good to bring into a new relationship. Part of me feels pressured to start dating again though, because friends and family want me to "move on," and some think that meeting someone new will help me do that.

I can also relate because I've been looking online, which is where I met my XABF. But since that ordeal, I'm now worried about meeting someone online. In my ex's profile, he said NOTHING about being a drinker, partier, or wanting someone who is one. But the reality was, those things were most important to him, since he admitted the only reason he dumped me the first time around (and most likely why he vanished this second time) was because I'm not a "partier."I still feel deceived because he totally misrepresented himself! I realize this can happen in real life too, but my experience was totally shocking.

He was back on that site practically right after he began drinking again and went AWOL. Now he'll probably do the same to the next victim.

LexieCat

I've been on an eight-year hiatus from dating/relationships. I was still drinking when the last one ended, and I knew I was a mess. Three years later, when I got sober, I was STILL a mess. I am only now starting to emerge from the last of the messiness, but now I enjoy being on my own, so I'm in no rush.

I jumped right into the last relationship (which was a very unhealthy one in many ways) a matter of months after I left my alcoholic husband (the second one). In my experience and observation, jumping right back "out there" before you've had a chance to heal properly does no favors to you or to anyone you're dating. Living with an alcoholic makes us a little bit (or a lot) nutso. I'd take my time if I were you. What's the rush?

honeypig

Someone who posts here has a signature line that says something to the effect of "dating is not a treatment modality." You've been NC for a month and from everything I've read and heard, a person this fresh out of a relationship w/an alcoholic is in their own very very early recovery--I don't think it would be fair to yourself or to your prospective partner to get involved at this stage.

I don't mean this to be as harsh as it will sound, but don't you have your own issues to work on before taking on a relationship? Might be a great distraction and might be satisfying to a person's ego (which I do understand), but not the greatest way to get one's own ducks in a row.

Just my opinion, please forgive me if I offended anyone w/my wording.

LexieCat

No pun intended, I'm sure.

*quack*

skippernlilg

I kind of cast a net out there to see what would pop up, and it all looks so silly to me. There is a guy I've known for awhile who has shown some interest, but recently, he's flaked on a few plans. So, I went from 0-60 in telling him off about being such a flake. I probably won't be getting an invitation out to dinner from him anytime soon. LOL. I'm too wary of everyone to give them a fair shake. I've noticed that I have a lot of heart-repair to do on myself.

DreamsofSerenity

I've had some experiences since my break up with exabf where guys showed interest in me, and it made me feel really angry, and sort of disgusted. I don't really understand what I am going through but until I figure it out, I need to stay away from dating.

I'm not sure about online dating. I think it's like shopping at a discount store: you have to go often and weed through all the junk but it is possible to find a treasure.

I have heard meet ups are good because they are more about meeting friends who share interests than dating.

Florence

I've had a few people express interest and it puts me in a near panic! I'm okay not dating. I have a lot of things in my life that deserve attention that aren't guys.

I get lonely sometimes, but I keep my head up and stay busy. This is the happiest I've been in my life and I don't want to ruin it by jumping into another doomed relationship.

DesertEyes

I jumped into dating shortly after I left my pill-addicted wife. I was lonely, confused, lost and needing something to give me direction. I was brand new in al-anon, which means that on top of all my still untreated al-anon issues I had all the divorce issues. My sponsor says I was a whole parade of red flags all by myself.

So who did I fall crazy in love with? Somebody who did not see all the red flags _I_ had waving in the air. Which means she had quite a collection of flags herself. She had just left her addicted husband.

We were a perfect match for each other.... in totally the wrong way.

The good news is that we had a lot of support from al-anon. We spent most of our time together crying for the marriages we had just lost, hiding our grief and pain in a flaming, exciting, roller coaster relationship. I think I would have healed faster if I had listened to advice and _not_ got involved until I did not _need_ to get involved.

I got lucky, that she is a sweet heart and not some kind of nutcase. I would have fallen for _anybody_ at that time. Today we are still best friends. I see her maybe once a year and she tells me how happy she is with her new husband ( who is a really nice guy ).

The reason I got to al-anon, and SR, is because I _suck_ at relationships. I have learned to listen to the wisdom of peeps who have done this all before. I know today that I need a _lot_ of time to heal from a broken relationship. I don't bounce back like normal peeps, I _rebound_, and hard.

If you have to ask if xxxx days is too soon, my answer is yes. If you have to ask, then that is the answer right there. When I stopped asking, when I started feeling that I _like_ living with myself, that I _like_ having woman friends with _no_ undertones of relationships, that is when I was ready.

Mike

nbay2013

Honeypig: Your email is not harsh or offensive. It's what I needed to hear. You are right. I am not ready. I would imagine a panic reaction was my first clue. I will repeat mistakes because my heart is broken and no one but me can mend it. I am running from pain; literally running and biking every day. I am still in denial over the damage that has happened in the relationship and of course before.

So thank you for the tough love...it wasn't so tough.

with gratitude

Carrie

nbay2013

I hear you. Thank goodness I posted what I was doing. I heard a term used here. Full disclosure. It's working.

nbay2013

Thank you all for sound advice.

I will slow down. Take a breath.

Ann

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