nbay2013

Yes, I made it 30 days. I am one of the lucky ones. My EXAB doesn't email or call or anything. As abandoned as that makes me feel, I am SO GRATEFUL for it.

I want one of those darn AA chips.

amy55

You did good nbay. I do know how you feel. Mine was also not the one that was going to call or email.

It made me feel like I didn't exist, like I was just a non person.

You do deserve the 30 day chip !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay, good for you.

nbay2013

Thanks Amy. Yes, there is a part of me that wants him to want me and then I will be the one to walk away. Yikes. Yes, that would be my ego speaking. But the truth is, if he made a effort to win me back...well, I fear for what I might do.

amy55

I also wanted him to contact me, but was so terrified of how I would react to that. It's hard to go no contact with someone who gives you the silent treatment. You just want to get the last word in, you want to be acknowledged, you just want to know or feel that you meant something to them.

What I did when I got like that, and wanted to get the last word in or whatever, I had saved his obnoxious voicemails. I even recorded him when he was raging at me. So whenever I felt the urge to contact, I would play those messages and play that recording.

I was the one that walked away, but actually not really. He always disappeared for weeks to months at a time. I guess when I left, I really did think that after so many years of marriage, (26) that he would try to contact me and make things better. He didn't.

It's like you never really get closure. I had to give myself the closure. Did I really want to be with someone who would treat me like I didn't exist?

mamaplus2kids

I've been struggling with "no contact" with my ex. We were together for 5 1/2 years and we broke up nearly two years ago. The breakup triggered a huge withdrawal for me and a huge relapse for him. I realize that my co-dependency drove him away. I've been filled with guilt and shame over my behavior and I miss him so. I usually manage to not call him until he calls me. We talk for an hour and I am filled with hope again. Usually, this conversation and his ensuing silence causes me to call him obsessively. For about a month now, I only call him back when he leaves a message. It's so hard. One side of me wishes he would just leave me in peace and let me heal. The other side rejoices every time he calls. But inevitably I'm left yearning and hoping and feeling worse.

trixie56

Nbay, good for you! I know it's so tough. I'm almost 2 months into no contact with my XABF. He went AWOL on me, and I never contacted him. Not because I didn't miss him, care about him, etc., but because I was so hurt and couldn't believe he could tell me I meant so much to him, then vanish a week later. There are no words...

But, even though he walked away first, I didn't go back after him...Just like you. So, think of it more along those lines. A friend told me "It doesn't have to be a showdown," and that really stuck with me. Even though part of me wants a showdown, deep down, I know how it would turn out (not in my favor!). And, I don't want to be a ego boost for him by giving him ANY attention after all this. So, by not engaging, we are walking away for our own good! I call this the "drama free" route

Hope4happiness

My ExRABF walked out (or ran) 2 weeks ago tomorrow. I haven't heard from him and I haven't contacted him. I will not chase after him, but there is the part of me that wants nothing more than for him to come crawling back, profess he's a changed man and can't live without me. Problem is, I don't know how I would respond. Would I relish in being able to kick him to the curb? Or would I take him back? One makes me egotistical and vengeful, the other makes me co-dependent and miserable. So, despite what my heart is saying about wanting him to call, my head says that No Contact is the best thing for me. But it hurts to go from him telling me that I was the woman of his dream, wanting to marry me, etc. and having a best friend and "partner" (I put quotes around partner because I gave a whole lot more than he did...), to him packing up while I was on a weekend girls' trip and breaking up with me the moment I walked in the door. I wonder if he ever cared? Or if he even misses me? Or thinks about me? How does someone just turn it off like that?

trixie56

I hear ya about wanted the XA to come crawling back. Mine actually did that after we'd been broken up almost 5 months. He was sober when we were dating, but dumped me (as I found out when he came back) only because I'm not a "partier" and he thought he wanted to go back to that life. (Yeah, red flag, right?!) But, he came back and said he'd "changed" and all the wonderful things you're wishing your ex would say,too. I let him back into my life and trusted him, then his alcoholism revealed itself and he went AWOL. And still, after the heartache, I sometimes still wish he'd come back again and apologize, and we could work things out. Deep down, I know this is not possible.

Just remember that even if your ex were to come back and say all those wonderful things, promising you the world, it doesn't mean he can give it to you. He might want to...as I think my ex wanted to....But they just aren't capable of it. And even after everything that happened, I'm sure my ex doesn't think his drinking is why things between us went south and he ran out. If my ex does come back again, it would be hard to resist, but I know that unless alcohol is totally out of his life and he is working on recovery, alcohol will always be #1.

Hope4happiness

Trixie, I completely hear you. I know deep down that he isn't the man I first met (if that man even ever existed) and that I can't ever go back there with him. A friend of mine (who knows nothing about alcoholism) told me this week that my ex was a really great guy (he met him 3x) and that no one can keep up the facade for too long, and that there must have been some good things about him that were real. I told him to look up this forum to understand how alcoholics are like Jekyl and Hyde.

As much as I want to fight it because my heart hurts, there is too much water under the bridge for us to ever reconcile. But god is it hard to admit that because I just want him to come back. Its like this ongoing struggle between logic and emotions. Even if alcohol were out of the picture, I still couldn't ever trust him. He was sober for over a year and half and was going to AA 3x a week etc. so for all intents and purposes he was recovering or doing what (from an outsider's perspective) he should have been doing. I never caught him drinking since he "became" sober. I think the issue is deeper with him, that he wasn't emotionally sober and was not or could not work on that aspect. I remember sitting in couples therapy just 4 days before he broke up with me thinking "Does he actually believe the crap that is coming out of his mouth?" and then I promptly assumed that I must be misunderstanding, or that maybe my own thinking was distorted, or something because he really seemed to believe it. It was all sorts of stuff about how I, his parents, his brother, etc all really now get to see the "real him", but the problem was that he was so emotionally shut off from me that I felt like I was living with a stranger. His parents are 3000 miles away and his brother is 2000 miles away, so he can fool them much easier. I have no idea if he is drinking now... he mentioned during his breakup speech that he "is tempted to drink, but hasn't" and that my issues were jeopardizing his sobriety.

How soon after the first breakup did your X contact you? Were you moving on after the first breakup? Have you heard anything from him since he went AWOL? Thanks for being such a great sounding board. I am sorry that you have had your heart torn out too... I wish it upon no one, even my X (well, maybe him...)

trixie56

Hope4happiness,

Yes, it's a definite struggle to move forward when you still care about them, wish it would've worked out, etc. Stay strong with the no contact. I know it's so hard, because there's always more to say, and you want to be heard. Journaling helped me with this a lot during the past couple of months.

I'll send you a private message with details about my own experience. I don't want to totally hijack Nbay's thread

And Nbay, I hope you are staying strong with the no contact, as well!