What I did...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 21
What I did...
What an incredibly difficult heartbreaking two years I have had. This is my story in a nutshell. If you make it all the way through, thank you.
I have been married for 22 years to my love. My first kiss. My prom date. The love of my life. I raised him from the time he was boy and now our own beautiful children are 17 and 20. My AH has always been my AH but early on it was a problem. He was very high functioning and has been until two years ago. He is in the military, high ranking, and incredibly fit. (odd!) He has always been sweet, kind, a good provider, an excellent companion, a wonderful, top notch father...
He developed an anxiety disorder due to him job stresses and the military put him on paxil. He came home with a prescription and a note not to mix the drug with alcohol and by the end of the day... our life together was ruined. His drinking went from two beers and a bottle of wine a night to drinking gin out of water glasses. Multiple bottles of wine a night, drinking and driving, getting arrested, verbal abuse. To this day, thinking about some of the horrible things he said to me during that time breaks my heart.
It took me five months. I lived like that for five months. I know now that my boundaries were getting stretched and stretched. It is really hard to get your AH to respond to the silent treatment when he is not paying attention. I would leave for the day to teach him a lesson and he never noticed. One day I visited my family on vacation (2,000 miles from where we lived) At the last minute, I took my daughter out of school and brought her with me. I didn't realize it at the time but I packed our medications, school records, etc... I just knew in my head long before my heart caught on. Once we landed on US soil and I saw my families sane faces I realized how badly I had been living my life. I realized that if I didn't remove my daughter from that situation... social services probably should. It makes me sad to this day how far I let our boundaries stretch. He never hit us but he sure did hurt us.
I called him and told him I wasn't coming back. That was one year, four months, 23 days ago. It has been the most trying and gut wrenching time of my life. I miss him desperately every single day even still. He has never forgiven me for leaving him and taking his daughter away. He accuses me daily of ruining our marriage and destroying our family. I cannot describe the sadness.
We are now legally separated. I did have to file for financial protection. He was threatening me daily with cutting off all financial support. He never did, but he loved to threaten.
He now have an apartment, a puppy, and a good job. I have my daughter and between my job and my support that he legally has to pay I am financially self sufficient. I have a comfy bed with new linens that aren't the same as I had with him. When I go to sleep I can be sure that I am safe and my loved ones are safe. I can be sure that the money I have in the bank will be there in the morning. My car is where I left it and hasn't been crashed. My daughter no longer sleeps in bed with me out of fear and insecurity. She is 17.
I am sad that my marriage was destroyed. It has taken a LOT of therapy for me to deal with my enabling, my guilt, my sadness... I have had multiple, horrifying panic attacks that have landed me in the hospital. I have learned so much and I wanted others to know that you WILL survive.
Here is the thing. I love him still. I love him every single day. I miss him every single day. Loving him and missing him has nothing to do with letting go. I have let go of his A problem and his drug use. THOSE are not my problems to own. They just aren't mine. Those are his.
I have problems. My problems:
I needed a budget to live on. I created one and I am suceeding. I own that.
I needed a safe and secure environment for my daughter. I did that.
I needed to feel safe and secure in my environment. I did that, too.
He is still in my life and that is my problem. My therapist says that I left him physically but I never really left him emotionally. I am still working through that. I still struggle with that. He is still my AH. He still calls me in the middle of the night. The problem is with me. I still answer. I am still working through the whole letting go process...
P.S. I am wide open to suggestions on dealing with that.
I guess my message is this: You will be okay. It is so hard to let go of dreams that you have with your AH. We owned our dream home. We have almost grown children. I will never be able to have the kind of relationship that I wanted. Us growing old together. It makes me incredibly sad, but there is hope. I have new dreams now. I want to run. I ran my first 5K. Me. A runner? Wow. I want to learn to do things like yoga and meditate. I want one thing in my life above all else. Peace. If you have an AH it is something that you live without. Peace is out there for you. It is available. It takes time. It takes work. It can happen if you are willing to let go of the things you cannot control... and work hard to control the things you can.
I will probably always love him. Always miss him. But I am safe now.
I have been married for 22 years to my love. My first kiss. My prom date. The love of my life. I raised him from the time he was boy and now our own beautiful children are 17 and 20. My AH has always been my AH but early on it was a problem. He was very high functioning and has been until two years ago. He is in the military, high ranking, and incredibly fit. (odd!) He has always been sweet, kind, a good provider, an excellent companion, a wonderful, top notch father...
He developed an anxiety disorder due to him job stresses and the military put him on paxil. He came home with a prescription and a note not to mix the drug with alcohol and by the end of the day... our life together was ruined. His drinking went from two beers and a bottle of wine a night to drinking gin out of water glasses. Multiple bottles of wine a night, drinking and driving, getting arrested, verbal abuse. To this day, thinking about some of the horrible things he said to me during that time breaks my heart.
It took me five months. I lived like that for five months. I know now that my boundaries were getting stretched and stretched. It is really hard to get your AH to respond to the silent treatment when he is not paying attention. I would leave for the day to teach him a lesson and he never noticed. One day I visited my family on vacation (2,000 miles from where we lived) At the last minute, I took my daughter out of school and brought her with me. I didn't realize it at the time but I packed our medications, school records, etc... I just knew in my head long before my heart caught on. Once we landed on US soil and I saw my families sane faces I realized how badly I had been living my life. I realized that if I didn't remove my daughter from that situation... social services probably should. It makes me sad to this day how far I let our boundaries stretch. He never hit us but he sure did hurt us.
I called him and told him I wasn't coming back. That was one year, four months, 23 days ago. It has been the most trying and gut wrenching time of my life. I miss him desperately every single day even still. He has never forgiven me for leaving him and taking his daughter away. He accuses me daily of ruining our marriage and destroying our family. I cannot describe the sadness.
We are now legally separated. I did have to file for financial protection. He was threatening me daily with cutting off all financial support. He never did, but he loved to threaten.
He now have an apartment, a puppy, and a good job. I have my daughter and between my job and my support that he legally has to pay I am financially self sufficient. I have a comfy bed with new linens that aren't the same as I had with him. When I go to sleep I can be sure that I am safe and my loved ones are safe. I can be sure that the money I have in the bank will be there in the morning. My car is where I left it and hasn't been crashed. My daughter no longer sleeps in bed with me out of fear and insecurity. She is 17.
I am sad that my marriage was destroyed. It has taken a LOT of therapy for me to deal with my enabling, my guilt, my sadness... I have had multiple, horrifying panic attacks that have landed me in the hospital. I have learned so much and I wanted others to know that you WILL survive.
Here is the thing. I love him still. I love him every single day. I miss him every single day. Loving him and missing him has nothing to do with letting go. I have let go of his A problem and his drug use. THOSE are not my problems to own. They just aren't mine. Those are his.
I have problems. My problems:
I needed a budget to live on. I created one and I am suceeding. I own that.
I needed a safe and secure environment for my daughter. I did that.
I needed to feel safe and secure in my environment. I did that, too.
He is still in my life and that is my problem. My therapist says that I left him physically but I never really left him emotionally. I am still working through that. I still struggle with that. He is still my AH. He still calls me in the middle of the night. The problem is with me. I still answer. I am still working through the whole letting go process...
P.S. I am wide open to suggestions on dealing with that.
I guess my message is this: You will be okay. It is so hard to let go of dreams that you have with your AH. We owned our dream home. We have almost grown children. I will never be able to have the kind of relationship that I wanted. Us growing old together. It makes me incredibly sad, but there is hope. I have new dreams now. I want to run. I ran my first 5K. Me. A runner? Wow. I want to learn to do things like yoga and meditate. I want one thing in my life above all else. Peace. If you have an AH it is something that you live without. Peace is out there for you. It is available. It takes time. It takes work. It can happen if you are willing to let go of the things you cannot control... and work hard to control the things you can.
I will probably always love him. Always miss him. But I am safe now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Wow, thank you for sharing your story! You are a woman of great strength and character. As an aside, I can relate to the Paxil issue. My AH was given paxil and I swear it was the downfall because 6 months later he got a DUI. He now does his own form of controlled drinking, but he's still taking the paxil(among other meds).
Hugs to you!!!
Hugs to you!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
Thank you for sharing, your daughter is a very lucky girl to have such a strong mother. Congrats on the running too its a great way to exercise and clear the head you have reminded me to get back to my running. I'm way behind you on my journey, thank you for your inspiration. Wishing you happiness.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by asimplelife 
That was one year, four months, 23 days ago.
yesterday is today is tomorrow.
Only the number(s) change.
You asked about letting go emotionally. Not a rush I would suggest. Seems many folks let go emotionally first, and then get out.
I think you and I do the opposite, at least in my observation. Meet the obligation and physical safety distance -- then emotional.
I am counting days in the opposite direction. 116.
But as far as letting go emotionally -- whole other animal.
Could have been yesterday, but it was not. Could be today, but not. Could be tomorrow, or could be never.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 21
Thank you for the support. It is so comforting to know that I am being heard. My heart just aches. One day at a time, I suppose. I still have such shock that it has been this long that we have been apart and I still long for our old life together. I wish I knew how to take that final step... how to finally detach myself fully so I could move into a better place. I am stuck in the in between I think. I suppose some would say that I will be stuck here for a long as it takes but I am tired of being here...
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
This is a GREAT story. I don't take the phone calls all the time, but I also still do. Heck, I still have the towel he used last hanging in the bathroom. Of course there's love! But, we are safe, too, and life is lighter and we laugh more.
My son is 13.
My son is 13.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by asimplelife
I have new dreams now. I want to run. I ran my first 5K. Me. A runner? Wow. I want to learn to do things like yoga and meditate. I want one thing in my life above all else. Peace. If you have an AH it is something that you live without. Peace is out there for you. It is available. It takes time. It takes work. It can happen if you are willing to let go of the things you cannot control... and work hard to control the things you can.
As a runner/yoga doer/dog walker/biker, I just wanted to say that it's great that you're pursuing some new physical goals. It's a real visible way of moving ahead, something you can point to and go "I didn't use to be able to (fill in the blank) and now I can!" Plus, at least for me, the running and yoga open up aspects of my head/heart/spirit that need opening. It's not always pleasant but I believe it's always necessary.
Glad you found your way here, and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"Loving him and missing him has nothing to do with letting go" ( Asimplelife)
^^^^^^ So very true^^^^^^^
I am sorry for your hurt and pain.
You are an amazing example to your daughter. Doing the right thing is never easy, yet you go forward and live your life the best you can.
22 years is a long time, so I believe the past 15 months of grief is natural. Those hopes, dreams, and memories do not evaporate, I think you are doing the best you can in spite of a really sad situation. YOU are taking care of YOU on your own terms, and that is awesome.
keep giving time, time. I'm not saying the hurt will ever really go away, but I can say it will fade, and you can be whole again. (You are on your way.)
I too, hope to hear more from you.
I wish you peace, and strength.
^^^^^^ So very true^^^^^^^
I am sorry for your hurt and pain.
You are an amazing example to your daughter. Doing the right thing is never easy, yet you go forward and live your life the best you can.
22 years is a long time, so I believe the past 15 months of grief is natural. Those hopes, dreams, and memories do not evaporate, I think you are doing the best you can in spite of a really sad situation. YOU are taking care of YOU on your own terms, and that is awesome.
keep giving time, time. I'm not saying the hurt will ever really go away, but I can say it will fade, and you can be whole again. (You are on your way.)
I too, hope to hear more from you.
I wish you peace, and strength.
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