LovesVWs

Tomorrow I have a conference call with my AH who is in Rehab. Basically the purpose is for me to tell him the things he has done that affected our family, yadda yadda. It is basically the same thing I did in the homework assignment a couple weeks back. Which he reacted poorly too calling my feelings 'a load of crap'.

Annoyingly AH the Narcissist is already trying to give me 'limits' to what I can say because apparently he 'isn't that bad' and I 'exaggerate' the details. Poop on that idea of course.

However, I really need to focus on what I want to say to him, as I can get a bit ranty and off topic when I talk to him, and quite frankly his behavior makes me a tad insane some days. I hung up on him twice tonight because I didn't want to engage on his blame laying conversation.

I have a small list of things I want to say, but I really want to be short and sweet, factual and honest and I want to hit him as hard as I can with the truth.

So if any of you had to say things to your partner in Rehab, what would you say? I want to be sure I have my basis covered.

LovesVWs

And my ability to use grammar at 1:20am sucks

choublak

What happens if you don't do the conference call?

LovesVWs

I have no idea, but his therapist and I both have the same feelings regarding AH's recovery so far.

My thing is I really just want a list of 5 things to say to him (not the long winded angry one I could hit him with) that are clear, concise 'I mean business' to the point.

That way I don't get sucked into his crap. Say my piece and be done with it.

Sueski

Can you take the letter you wrote a couple weeks ago and reduce it to bullet points?

And I know this is beyond difficult but try to treat the conversation like you would with someone you don't know well, like a contractor. Step back emotionally, state your case clearly and concisely, step back again, don't respond to the crazy-making hooks he will toss out. Good luck.

LexieCat

I think I would pass on the phone call, personally. If you don't have anything to add beyond what you wrote in the homework assignment I don't see how it benefits either one of you. My own opinion, obviously.

The thing is, my sense is that you think that conveying that you "mean business" and need to "hit him as hard as I can with the truth" somehow will make him recover. I think that is an unrealistic expectation, and you are setting yourself up for more disappointment. Do what you think is best, just understand that YOU have very little impact on what HE decides to do.

LovesVWs

I don't expect his recovery to have anything to do with me or his kids However, I do want him to know that limits have been set and he isn't crossing him or the consequence will be losing his family. I just do not want to get emotional and ranty while I do it.

ShootingStar1

English Garden started a great thread in the last couple of days called Bill of Rights in Relationship:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html

It might be a place to start to gather your ideas in a positive fashion.

Like some of the other posters, I am not sure what the purpose of this conference call is. Who will be on the call besides you and your husband? What are the results that they want to achieve from this call? Will your husband have the right to talk back to you and accuse you?

I'd find that out before I agree to the call. If the purpose doesn't suit you, and his behavior is not controlled, I agree that I can't see the point of exposing yourself to more abuse for nothing.

ShootingStar1

POAndrea

I agree with LexieCat and don't think I would care to make that conference call. It sounds like it would not be therapeutic for either of you. If he is telling you what to say, he is fully aware of what he's done and doesn't want anyone else to know it too. By claiming you exaggerate, he is trying to make you and everyone else question your judgement and diminish his own culpability. I remember reading about your earlier "homework" assignments and thinking maybe YOU were benefitting from them as much if not more than he. (Kinda excited for you, really, even if he didn't respond as well as hoped.) Maybe this is an assignment for you to do but not "turn in", just spend some time with it yourself alone, with a friend/sponsor or with your own therapist. If he isn't going to put in his best, honest work, he doesn't deserve yours.

Recovering2

I'm surprised he's allowed to make these calls to you, trying to set limits on what you can say. I think in that situation, I would probably call his therapist and let them know. I would offer to the therapist that there's no point to a conference call when he's not open to what you have to say, and is actually trying to set limits ahead of time. What's the point of the exercise???

LovesVWs

You guys are awesome. I have all these thoughts and feelings and more. I think at the beginning I will bring up a few of these points (about questioning my judgement and diminishing his culpability, and if he is trying to control what I say why bother saying it) and tell the therapist in no way am I entering into this conversation if he is not ready to hear it.

LexieCat

How about having that conversation with the therapist BEFORE the conference call? Maybe get a little more info about what the idea is here, and what you think may happen with his attacking you, etc. And if the therapist can't give you assurance that the THERAPIST will end the conversation if that happens, maybe pass on it. I kinda think ratting him out to his therapist right in front of him is gonna be like waving a red cape in front of a bull.

LovesVWs

After the week I have had with him on the phone. I want to wave the red cape in front of the bull. Bad I know. I would just feel really good making him angry, because I don't feel like I am doing anything to make him think. LOL CODIE ALERT.

LovesVWs

Well that did't go well. On my and the therapists end it did, but as usual the husband said only some of my feelings were 'true'. LOL. Oh well shape up or ship out.

wicked

How did it go well for you LVW?
Keep your head up.

Thinking of you

Beth