butterfly2013

My son and I just returned from a visit to my hometown (we stayed at my sister's house---no abuse or any As/addicts in the household, thank god). I spent time with family and friends and for the most part, I enjoyed myself very much. I went shopping and got myself some cute clothes, I went out with my best friend from childhood for a night out in the city, and I also got to meet my new nephew who was born during my time there.

However, during my visit, my mother and alcoholic father got into yet another domestic argument/altercation. Afterwards, my mother went to the hospital, and police were called, who issued a warrant for his arrest. (I was not present during any of this, I learned about everything from my mother.) My mother kept saying, "I just can't live like this anymore." However, I know that nothing ever changes with them. Sure enough, after my father was released from the county jail, he was right back at the family house with my mother. At this point, I really don't want anything to do with my father. He has lied, disrespected, abused, and traumatized my mother. He has been calling me but I have not answered the phone. One of my brothers, who lives with my parents, has accused me of being "selfish" and "only caring about myself" because I no longer stay in that household when I visit and because I am disgusted and angered by my father. Although I am still speaking with my mother, her complaints about my father are getting tiresome as well. My father's alcoholism and abuse has been escalating, and I fear my mother will eventually be killed. It's just such a terrible situation

During my visit, I took my 3 year old son to visit with my AXBF's family. My ex's sister invited me over her place, along with my ex's mom and my ex's other sister. The four of us women just spent time talking, while all our kids were running around playing. However, it struck me that none of their husbands/partners were present. My ex's mother's husband decided to stay home (he has recently been increasing his drinking). The sister's husband ducked into the living room for a second but then retreated to his "man-cave" (he has been a weed/alcohol addict since childhood). The other sister's boyfriend was a no-show as well but she was speaking a little bit about her abusive ex-husband and how she struggled to move on. Although I had a good time and it seemed like everyone else was having a good time too, there was a sense of sadness or resignation in the air. So many broken dreams and promises. How can addicts wreck so much havoc in our lives.

I am proud of the fact that I have been feeling stronger every single day. Before my recovery, before counseling, before reconnecting with my HP, before reading Melody Beattie and affirmation books, before meditation, before SR, all of this craziness and pain would have consumed me. But now, I can return to Step 1 again and again and put my faith in my HP and move on with my day.

I am grateful.

In a little bit, I am meeting with my grad school adviser and I will plan out my game plan for the forthcoming academic school year. Time to kick some serious butt and kiss all the pain, tears, and anger goodbye.

Edited to add: Is there such a thing as being TOO detached? Someone mentioned this in another thread. In my case, I have exhibited codependent behavior for so long that I am DONE with so many of those behaviors like worrying (bc it accomplishes nothing and it is a huge waste of energy/time). How does one find balance with this?

kudzujean

I'm glad you aren't staying with your parents when you visit your hometown. Your brother is trying to lay a guilt trip on you, but I'm glad you didn't buy into it.

Staying with an active, abusing alcoholic is not safe for you nor your three-year-old
son.

lillamy

Wait? Are you worrying about not worrying enough? Because if that's the case... then you don't have to worry -- right?

Here's how I view it: When you're quitting an unhealthy behavior, you don't need "balance" -- you need to just quit it. I think what we may feel when we successfully detach is guilt because we quit doing something we've been doing for so many years, and it feels strange. Yet, for normal people, it's -- normal.

butterfly2013

Thank you for the responses!

The more recovery work I do, the more I realize how effed up my childhood was. As an ACoA, I still need to do much more family of origin work. While I am no longer getting sucked into my brother's guilt trips, I do feel guilty---maybe survivor's guilt---that I have escaped that household but my brother still lives there in the midst of my father's alcoholism and my parent's dysfunctional mess of a relationship. I say survivor's guilt because my brother's depression and mental state has declined immensely, to the point that he committed himself a few months ago. I know detaching from an alcoholic is absolutely the right thing to do, but what about those with mental illness? My brother even quit his well-paying job due to his depression. He now sleeps most of the day, has poor hygiene, chain smokes cigarettes, and never leaves the house. It's quite sad to see him degenerate so much, but he refuses to get help any more help, and I know I cannot force him to do anything. Perhaps I should post over on the mental health forum about this.

In terms of guilt, thanks lillamy! Your comment makes so much sense. As odd as it sounds, I am still getting used to the peace and quiet in my own home with just myself and my three year old. Ever since I was a child, all I could remember was living in a state of anxiety and crises and fear. Now I am gaining more inner peace and serenity, which does feel unusual just because I have been in crisis-mode for the majority of my life. Now, I am doing everything I can to keep my nose out of other's people's lives and focus on my own life with my son. You're right, this is a new feeling but it is perfectly normal!

NWGRITS

Unless he is deemed mentally unfit or a danger to himself/others, there's nothing you can do for your brother. I gathered from your posts that he is cognizant of his depression, so he is able to seek help should he so choose. It sounds like there's the depression, enabling, and enmeshment on his end, and misery loves company. Unfortunately, that's all stuff those individuals will have to deal with on their own. It sucks to stand back and know what's happening, but there's nothing else you can do

butterfly2013

Very true, NWGRITS. It hurts to see my mother suffer at the hands of my father and my brother suffer from his depression/mental illness but I need to keep them at a distance for my own sanity. Nothing will change with them unless they choose to seek help.

My brother is not a danger to anyone but he has spoken of suicide before although he has never attempted anything. Yes, it is incredibly sad to see him continue to spiral down

NWGRITS

I tried for years to get my grandmother to move out of my mother's house because, well, my grandmother is a diabetic and my mother is drinking herself to death. Grandma had an insulin attack three years ago and had I not still been living there with my kids, she would have been dead. My mother was too drunk to remember anything the next morning. Anyway, Grandma won't go. She feels a duty and responsibility to her daughter to stay and clean up the messes. It's heartbreaking for me to see, but I can't force her to leave. I think that's the hardest part of being in recovery and becoming the black sheep. You can watch everyone else fall to pieces and you can't do anything to fix it.

funkynassau

I'm not sure if there's such a thing as TOO detached. I separated from my own biological family as my mother was such an abusive bitter person. She never drank a drop of alcohol in her life, it was just her nature to be miserable. My bother is pretty much the same as her. She died 4 yrs ago and bro turned on me, like he was taking over her position of abuser. Well I wasnt going to do that again with anyone, so I havent spoken to him in about 3 yrs. I dont feel I've detached too much, I feel I did what's right for me.

choublak

I think some people feel "comfortable" where they are, because it's what they know.

dandylion

Butterfly, as you can see, from the posts, that lots f people have been born into a "nest" of pathology--of one sort or another. I know that I was. Blessed are those who are able, by some grace of the Universe to be able to break-away from the misery and pain--to break the cycle.

I think it is wonderful that you are willing to continue the--sometimes, painful---work regarding your family of origin work.

Don't drive yourself too crazy trying to figure out "why me". You can never figure out all the workings of the universe.

I think the best use of your blessing is to pay it forward by living a joyful life and put it forth for other people and future generation.

There is inspiration in your post!!

dandylion

DreamsofSerenity

"Is there such a thing as being too detached?" IMHO, NO!!! That's like asking if there is such a thing as being too healthy.

Keep up your good work!

HUGS

pravchaw

You can get too detached if you are smoking something. Since you are not, the answer is no.

butterfly2013

Wow, thank you all for sharing your stories and your insights and wisdom!!! It was wonderful to wake up and read these posts. Thank you, HP, and thank you SR! ((((((HUGS))))) to everyone here.

Although the vortex of alcoholism/pain/depression/sadness/domestic violence that is my family feels familiar simply because that is how I grew up and that is all I knew, I know better now and I am 100% sure I am making the best choice by walking away and leaving them be. All I can do is pray for them and let them go in love. In recovery, I have now "seen the light" and I wish the same for my loved ones (heck, I even wish that for my XABF who is my son's father despite the fact that our relationship ended on very bad terms) but I can't save anyone from their own problems.

dandylion, I love love love how you picked up on the inspiration! We are saving our own lives, what can be more inspirational than that?

lizw

This all sounds good to me. I recently read something that said detachment isn't caring less its caring more about yourself and own mental health more.

Am also reminded of the own al anon anology about how in a plane crash you have to put your own air mask thing on first before attending to others.

I have always had a lot of respect for a lady who sponsored me as despite the chaos in her family (police, drunk driving, debt collectors - all continually visiting her adult son who lived with her) she lived a beautiful peaceful life and was rarely disturbed. She use to say serenity is like the calm part in the centre of the storm.

NYCDoglvr

You are a true inspiration. What I see is self-love, which so many codependents lack. I'm sure there's been work in dealing with your family in a healthy way and it sure pays off. Thanks for posting.