EnglishGarden

This list is from the book "The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists" by Rokelle Lerner, a therapist.

Personal Bill of Rights for My Relationships:

1. I have a right to be treated with courtesy and respect.
2. I have a right to be the only romantic or sexual interest in my partner's life.
3. I have a right to be informed about our assets, manage my own finances, and choose how I spend my money.
4. I have a right to have a say in decisions that affect myself and my family.
5. I have a right to be wrong and make mistakes without being punished or humiliated.
6. I have the right to live without emotional or physical violence.
7. I have the right to voice my opinion respectfully without retribution.
8. I have the right to have my personal property treated with respect.
9. I have the right to talk to others about matters that affect me.
10. I have the right to choose my own friends.
11. I have the right to enjoy myself.
12. I have the right to live without guns or pornography in my house.
13. My children have the right to be treated with respect and dignity.

This particular book focuses on the effects of living with someone who is either a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (many with NPD are addicts and alcoholics) or with a person who has what the author terms "narcissistic personality style."

My experience with people in active addiction is they were always narcissistic in their behavior, with the key being that they resented any expectation of reciprocity in relationship (what some addiction counselors call the "King Baby" complex).

I surrendered most of my personal rights when I was married to an alcoholic. This list reminded me. The surrendering begins gradually. And I found that for myself, the only solution was to leave.

Hammer

I would have to add ". . . . not lied to or about."

Argnotthisagain

Great list EnglishGarden, thank you so much!!

Great also as a list for exercises to develop and understand Self-Respect.

Exactly what I just realized I needed.

Perfect timing...was just chanting about needing to know what I need to change in me now, at this point.

I'm gonna study this list and see what rights I have but never fought for before--for myself!

Hammer

Hey EnglishGarden,

Wanted to let you know we are proceeding on our "homework." Daughter and I that is. Mrs. Hammer is doing her T stuff, and tells me she got her letter. Will see where all this goes. Just wanted to thank you for recommending the "Surviving . . . . " book.

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem: Kimberlee Roth, Freda B. Friedman, Randi Kreger: 9781572243286: Amazon.com: Books

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life: Margalis Fjelstad: 9781442220188: Amazon.com: Books

Argnotthisagain

"Surviving..." -- that's an excellent book! I read and refer to it often.

Flicka57

I posted the same thing last week. I agree. Shame no one saw my post.

ShootingStar1

Thanks, English Garden. And Flicka, sorry I did not see your post about this.

I just posted about having unfortunately to reconnect with my now XAH and it was like stepping into a time warp where all the rights you've listed above were violated again.

It helps a lot to see this in writing to clarify, again, what exactly he is violating, and get me through to clarify on how I want to live.

ShootingStar1

Hammer

Ok, and I will sign up for next week. Who has after me . . . ?

[passing calendar around]

". . . . We are passing the meeting calendar around. If SR is your home group, and you have 3 or months in the program, we would like to encourage you to sign up to chair a meeting, and remind you that helping others and service work can be an important part of your recovery . . . "

======================

Seriously, if any of you IRL Alanoners have the time in and have not (yet) chaired a meeting . . . and your sponsor is not already (yet) kicking your butt to do so . . . sign up and help pull the wagon.

Can even do your meeting notes / plan -- here -- in advance and we will likely help review them.

Keep coming back. It works when you work it.