Bluebird19

So, keeping it short, I decided I needed space from my mother after the recent lies/let downs/carry on.
I had decided that I felt strong, that reducing contact/having boundaries was acceptable and right for self preservation and for my family.
Then guilt knocked at the door and broke my resolve. I had the "I owe her an explanation" feeling.
I sent an email (I know, I know...)
I explained that I needed a rest, that I can't cope shouldering her addiction, that I love her but cannot keep rescuing her, I can't fix her.
I said that if/when she decides on recovery I will be first there to cheer her on.
I didn't expect a reply.

Now I just got one:

I am devastated by your message today. I love both you and the boys dearly, and I want you to remember that. However this is the last you will hear from me unless you initiate any contact.


I don't know how I feel, how I am meant to feel. Am I relieved?

No. I have guilt.

I need to step back, but I have no idea how to do it.

I'm not feeling very strong tonight.
B xx

firebolt

It sounds like the ultimate outcome is what you wanted / needed. It's ok - the message of love might be what's tripping you up? Maybe anger from her would have made it easier for you?

I can suggest trying to keep your eyes on the prize. you wanted distance, and got it in a peaceful manner - that's a GOOD, no a GREAT thing! Enjoy the peace you just created for yourself and your family! It is OK to be relieved, it is ok to be sad for her, and it is OK to enjoy some time away from chaos! (((HUGS))) and CONGRATS!

Recovering2

You didn't say anything bad in your email. You were honest in saying you can't continue to shoulder this. You acknowledged the truth....you love her but can't save her. Truth.

So now she's having a reaction, a temper tantrum if you will. That's okay! She is allowed to have her reaction, it does not need to change your course.

This is one of the consequences of her disease, she will have to deal with it. She can find recovery if she wants things to be different. Or she can point fingers, blame, etc.

You have set a healthy boundary for you and your family. I would say if there's no contact right now that's not a bad thing.

Get the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It's a GREAT daily read. Specifically read the January 4th entry, titled "Separating from Family Issues". It helped me when I had to remove myself from family stuff, it will help you as well.

Hang in there. I hope you go to AlAnon, it will help you to overcome the guilt feelings and stay on your healthy path.

NWGRITS

I used to have little sayings printed out and taped to the wall of my dorm room in college. One of them read, "My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips." She never made the connection, but that didn't make it any less true. A's know exactly how to manipulate us, and if you are an ACoA, then you've grown up asking "How high?" when your A parent says "Jump." It's like breathing to us. It's not an easy habit to break, but it can be done. Don't dwell on the email. Let it go and start fresh right now. You can't change the past, but you have a bright, happy future ahead of you. Go make it happen.

Hammer

Are you kidding?

TAKE THAT DEAL!!!!

Tuffgirl

Guilt is something we feel when we have done something wrong. Like maliciously and with forethought hurt someone else. Or unintentionally but thoughtlessly hurt someone else.

Maybe what you feel isn't guilt, but sadness that this is the way it is right now? I can relate to that - my Mom is severly bi-polar and there are months we go without speaking because I cannot handle her mania. Its heartbreaking. But I don't ever feel guilty for protecting my own sanity.

Bluebird19

Thank you all so much.
This is helping.
I am just at the start of my journey to fixing me.
I think I do feel sad. I think I still hope for accountability, for her to take responsibility, for her to realise that things could be different...etc. these are all of my hang ups.
Have hardly slept due to worry. Dialogue in my head saying "will this tip her off the edge and I'm responsible?" Stuff I realise are my old habits that I must change.
I feel like she hasn't listened and tried to shift the responsibility onto me.
Space just now is for the best.
I just hope it gets easier.
Bx

NWGRITS

Just remember that you bear no responsibility for anything she does. I grew up with the burden of responsibility for my AM's recovery on my shoulders. That was shifted to my children last summer when she really screwed up and I made sure they would never see her again. She would still be careening toward self-destruction whether the kids were around or not. Doesn't matter.

I know you still have hope. There's nothing wrong with that. Hope can be separate from codependency and enabling. I used to have hope for my mother, until about three years ago. She will never stop drinking. She's the type who hits rock bottom and keeps on digging. I mourned her and the life I never had. I'm not likely to show at her funeral because I have no reason to be there. But not everyone has to go through that. Keep the hope alive if you can, but don't let it consume you. You need to take care of yourself.

Bluebird19

Thank you nwgrits.
I'm sad you have had to deal with all of that.

Other family members are saying I need to remember she is ill, she's your mother, you can't stop her seeing the kids, I need to just accept she does this, be polite to her and realise that it is part of her. Etc. I feel like they think I should just put up with her behaviour, that we have to accept the chaos cos she has her issues. It has started to allow me doubt myself, contributed to my feelings of responsibility etc.

I feel a bit lost just now.

Your replies are helping me see a bit more clearly. Thank you.

NWGRITS

Oy. Yep, been on that merry-go-round my whole life. It resulted in me cutting off anyone who tried to imply that her drinking was my fault because I didn't let her see or talk to the kids. Ok, so she's my mother. So what? She has told me repeatedly that her life would have been better without me, and living in her home was hell. What exactly do I owe HER for that?

It's taken lots of therapy and Al-Anon to get to where I am now. I sound angry, but I'm not. I got that out a long time ago. It is what it is now. My FOO isn't likely to ever change (I do still talk to my dad's side and my mom's sister, who is an RA of about 10 years). My life is better without them in it. I'm happy and my head is mostly quiet. That's worked well for me, but your mileage may vary. The biggest thing is to do what's best for you and to provide a healthy, stable environment for children. Our kids don't have to grow up in the same dysfunction we did.

funkynassau

I'm dealing with much the same feelings except the A in my life was a "friend" instead of a relative. I couldnt deal with him anymore so I cut contact and he sure didnt like it. I think now he's just really mad at me but that's ok, he can deal with it however it works for him. I'm enjoying the lack of phone calls, whining, crying, manipulation, negativity etc. Hang in there! I think this will be easier for you in time.