Al-anon and Self
 

There's something that I've noticed about some people in Al-anon and I wondered if anyone else has noticed this, too.

When we finally start our step work, and we stop focusing on what our A is doing, we start concentrating on our self-care. And that is a good thing.

Has anyone else ever noticed, though, that some Al-anoners get so stuck on their self-care, they become selfish and self-centered and manipulative and sometimes kind of mean and closed-off?

Do we get stuck on Step 4? What is going on?

Suppose it can go that way on either/any side -- AA, Alanon, (dunno about Celebrate Recovery), but other various Therapy, as well.

Maybe that's just their nature.

I can get like this myself and have seen it in my friends. I have always wondered if it is just a matter of balance. I.e after years of focusing on others we go through a phases of totally focusing on ourselves etc...

I come from a place where my focus on others and wanting to help them and/or believing my life would be good if my A just did what I wanted totally debilitated me so while it may sound selfish, being totally self centred now and then is actually an improvement. And it does pass.

I had a wise person tell me once that recovery is like a pendulum. Sometimes you have to swing to the extremes for awhile as you are working your recovery until you come into a happy medium.

I felt very selfish at periods of time in this process, and I feel like I took up a lot of space. Just in the past few weeks I have realized that I am not quite stuck in that space any longer.

I would say I was there for a bit (12-18 months). I would also say it was harder because it was such an unfamiliar place for me.

It was also really good for me. I used to be so "giving" to others, but really that was about making myself feel useful and good. This helped me to see really where the focus needed to stay.