Update.. Just got my hearing dates
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 150
Just wanted to update you all and thank you for your support. It's been two months since my divorce, it's been a struggle pushing through the emotional part. I still feel like he is my husband, and I'm a loyal girl, so still not going to dive into another relationship. Not really even interested in dating, although I've had quite a few nice offers.
I reached out to him this weekend, I wanted to talk about what happened to us because I honestly loved him very much despite the verbal and emotional abuse.
He accused me of abusing him. And that if I continued to contact him he would do something. No idea what he meant about that, and I suppose I don't really care. I said what I had to say to him. He hasn't changed at all. He's still the angriest person I've ever known. I do feel sad for him in that regard. He has no friends.
Our mutual friend told me she cannot be around him any more. That she saw his ugly side and cannot forget it. He shook her by the shoulders when she would not agree with him about me.
I'm sad for him, he's sick. Just pushes his emotions down and away and tries to ignore them. I would have given him a chance to really talk to me if he needed to, from a distance.
Eh, I'm too forgiving, always have been.
All I think about now is my kids... how I'm glad I protected them from his rages. How I'm glad they only saw twice him berating me and calling me **** or whatever.
They feel sorry for him too... my oldest said that he thought x was just needing attention. All the time. They are teenagers and thought he was immature.
I loved him, I wanted the best for him, I couldn't hack it. He was too angry, too controlling and too judgemental.
It's over now.
Love to you all,
Lyn
I reached out to him this weekend, I wanted to talk about what happened to us because I honestly loved him very much despite the verbal and emotional abuse.
He accused me of abusing him. And that if I continued to contact him he would do something. No idea what he meant about that, and I suppose I don't really care. I said what I had to say to him. He hasn't changed at all. He's still the angriest person I've ever known. I do feel sad for him in that regard. He has no friends.
Our mutual friend told me she cannot be around him any more. That she saw his ugly side and cannot forget it. He shook her by the shoulders when she would not agree with him about me.
I'm sad for him, he's sick. Just pushes his emotions down and away and tries to ignore them. I would have given him a chance to really talk to me if he needed to, from a distance.
Eh, I'm too forgiving, always have been.
All I think about now is my kids... how I'm glad I protected them from his rages. How I'm glad they only saw twice him berating me and calling me **** or whatever.
They feel sorry for him too... my oldest said that he thought x was just needing attention. All the time. They are teenagers and thought he was immature.
I loved him, I wanted the best for him, I couldn't hack it. He was too angry, too controlling and too judgemental.
It's over now.
Love to you all,
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
first, you just got thru a very tough stage in your life and you did so commendably! you put you and your kids FIRST and took the option that assured your safety and well being. too many stay for far too long. may you soar now!
second about him...being "in love"? pfft. he doesn't know the meaning of the word....he just found some new gal that doesn't know that dark evil side yet and so he can pretend he's really not THAT GUY. as your kids so wisely stated - it's like he needs attention, all the time. so he found some new attention. to feed his ego. she's just a tool.
of course you are loyal, of course you care! nothing wrong with that....just do it from a distance. perhaps from Jupiter!!! good to see you and thanks so much for such a positive update!
second about him...being "in love"? pfft. he doesn't know the meaning of the word....he just found some new gal that doesn't know that dark evil side yet and so he can pretend he's really not THAT GUY. as your kids so wisely stated - it's like he needs attention, all the time. so he found some new attention. to feed his ego. she's just a tool.
of course you are loyal, of course you care! nothing wrong with that....just do it from a distance. perhaps from Jupiter!!! good to see you and thanks so much for such a positive update!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He's still the angriest person I've ever known. I do feel sad for him in that regard. He has no friends.
It takes time to get out of the mindset that "he's my husband"... It takes time to stop feeling responsible.
Give yourself a lot of grace. You've done the hardest part.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 150
Thank you anvil and amy....
I can't say it's been easy, it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss him every day but realize that the love I felt was not returned. It's hard to understand why someone who is mentally ill pushes blame onto others for their miserable lives, and fills the voids within themselves with new sources of supply.
I've been taking a long, hard look at myself to figure out why I fell in love with this man so deeply, and I'll tell ya it's been hard and slow to unravel the inner workings of my mind. But, I do know this now, and that is that I have my own issues. I have issues with self worth, and self esteem. This made me think I was worthy of being abused.
I have also done a lot of research on personality disorders, and my x probably has borderline personality traits. He is 45 and has been married 3 times, never had a relationship that subsisted, always accused others of "doing" things to him, fears the world and is suspicious of people. He was quite paranoid about fires, something happening to me or to others, needed constant reinforcement. I think there is also some psychosomatic illnesses related to stress as well.
I can't fix his childhood issues. I can only fix mine. I've taken responsibility for the things I did that hurt him, I even apologized to him. He is not capable of doing so.
He will continue on the same path for the rest of his life, perhaps marrying and discarding women for the rest of his life. His father was the same.
I'm still working on me, but I tell you, for the first time in my life I loved myself more than I loved someone else. I put my needs and my children's needs first. I knew that 20 more years of marriage with him would gradually make me an invisible person.
love
Lyn
I can't say it's been easy, it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss him every day but realize that the love I felt was not returned. It's hard to understand why someone who is mentally ill pushes blame onto others for their miserable lives, and fills the voids within themselves with new sources of supply.
I've been taking a long, hard look at myself to figure out why I fell in love with this man so deeply, and I'll tell ya it's been hard and slow to unravel the inner workings of my mind. But, I do know this now, and that is that I have my own issues. I have issues with self worth, and self esteem. This made me think I was worthy of being abused.
I have also done a lot of research on personality disorders, and my x probably has borderline personality traits. He is 45 and has been married 3 times, never had a relationship that subsisted, always accused others of "doing" things to him, fears the world and is suspicious of people. He was quite paranoid about fires, something happening to me or to others, needed constant reinforcement. I think there is also some psychosomatic illnesses related to stress as well.
I can't fix his childhood issues. I can only fix mine. I've taken responsibility for the things I did that hurt him, I even apologized to him. He is not capable of doing so.
He will continue on the same path for the rest of his life, perhaps marrying and discarding women for the rest of his life. His father was the same.
I'm still working on me, but I tell you, for the first time in my life I loved myself more than I loved someone else. I put my needs and my children's needs first. I knew that 20 more years of marriage with him would gradually make me an invisible person.
love
Lyn
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