Now hes getting Scary!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
Now hes getting Scary!!
Hi, I think my AH has finally got the message that I mean what I say. I think he's just realised that I'm serious about us being finished, that I'm sick and tired of the mind games and truly can't take anymore...At first he started with the usual 'I love you so much, you mean everything to me, I can't live without you etc etc' This obviously does't work any more and now hes becoming increasingly nasty and threatening.
I think hes realised he hasn't got such a hold on me and hes scared. Hes complaining of a headache something he very rarely gets trying to get a sympathy vote from me but it didnt work.
Hes threatened to come and smash the doors in... thats fine ill call the police on him, I need to be afraid cos he ll burn the house down and other threats, I can honestly say that I don't care , If he comes here i'll call the police and if he gets in trouble its a result of his actions not mine.
Im totally done and im sure people will think im heartless..Im not Ive just decided I deserve so much better, I wont be afraid of him anymore. I wont let fear stop me from living my life.
His threats and insults don't hurt me anymore, Im not sure if its due to self preservation or not but i just feel de sensitised by it.
He can only hurt me and have power over me if I let him... and i wont let him anymore.
Im sure ill have some wobbles and in the early hours of the morning ill probably be awake in case he tries to break into thw house. I have alarms on all the windows and doors , so ill know if he tries. After i ve posted this im going to call the police and tell the situation,
Im a strong woman , i ve had to be to take his behaviour for so long. I really don't know what happened since last night but I fell strong and for the first time in ages I feel in control.
He cant bully me anymore, i realise hes the one thats afraid to be alone not me.
I think hes realised he hasn't got such a hold on me and hes scared. Hes complaining of a headache something he very rarely gets trying to get a sympathy vote from me but it didnt work.
Hes threatened to come and smash the doors in... thats fine ill call the police on him, I need to be afraid cos he ll burn the house down and other threats, I can honestly say that I don't care , If he comes here i'll call the police and if he gets in trouble its a result of his actions not mine.
Im totally done and im sure people will think im heartless..Im not Ive just decided I deserve so much better, I wont be afraid of him anymore. I wont let fear stop me from living my life.
His threats and insults don't hurt me anymore, Im not sure if its due to self preservation or not but i just feel de sensitised by it.
He can only hurt me and have power over me if I let him... and i wont let him anymore.
Im sure ill have some wobbles and in the early hours of the morning ill probably be awake in case he tries to break into thw house. I have alarms on all the windows and doors , so ill know if he tries. After i ve posted this im going to call the police and tell the situation,
Im a strong woman , i ve had to be to take his behaviour for so long. I really don't know what happened since last night but I fell strong and for the first time in ages I feel in control.
He cant bully me anymore, i realise hes the one thats afraid to be alone not me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I agree....definitely call the police if he comes near. And no, you are not heartless, and I certainly don't think anyone here will think you are!!
Good for you for being so proactive by using alarms and by informing the police of the situation now!
This cycle of contact you have received from your AH is sooo familiar. This piece was originally shared by lightseeker in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum. I thought you might get something of it!
Good for you for being so proactive by using alarms and by informing the police of the situation now!
This cycle of contact you have received from your AH is sooo familiar. This piece was originally shared by lightseeker in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum. I thought you might get something of it!
Originally Posted by lightseeker
STARVE THE VAMPIRE
by Sandra Brown, MA
People with pathological behavior are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content. Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self-concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity.
Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting. In order to get their emotional 'blood supply' from you, they 'hook you' into conversations or arguments or any kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously thru your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc. It doesn't always matter 'what' emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them--even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It doesn't matter...they just 'need' something, anything from you in the way of content. If they don’t' get the blood supply/emotional content from you, they will seek elsewhere. (Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?)
So when you try to break up, he will continue to contact you which is why they are hard to break up with. They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him). These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detach from it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this:
* One contact he's angry, blaming, shaming
When you don't respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression...
* Then one contact will be sweet, loving, buy you things
When you don't respond
* He will promise to do what you've asked for years..go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger management, stop using drugs/alcohol.
When you don't respond
* He will get angry again--say you aren't working on the relationship which is why it's going to fail
When you don't respond
* He will quit calling for a while to make it look like he's moved on (They are boomerangs, they ALWAYS come back a few times.)
When you don’t' respond
* He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else
When you don't respond
* He becomes 'sick' -- he doesn't know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, MS, some other lethal disease
When you don't respond
* He will just go back to drinking/drugging/dealing/driving too fast/etc.
When you don't respond
* He will kill himself, leave the area, never see you again
When you don't respond
* He will threaten to take the kids, drag your a*ss thru court, threaten to harm you
When you don't respond
* He will tell you he's dating someone you hate or his previous girlfriend/wife
When you don't respond
* It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list.
I know that we all think that our experiences are unique. But pathology is all the same--these people aren't very creative and don't deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/silly/stupid reactions to a break up.
Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact and if you have to because of your kids, no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face, the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed.
When someone doesn’t disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintenance of someone with pathological behavior, they are staying because THEY wants to remain.
The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect. This is not a judgment about people not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the dis-engagment has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done.
by Sandra Brown, MA
People with pathological behavior are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content. Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self-concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity.
Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting. In order to get their emotional 'blood supply' from you, they 'hook you' into conversations or arguments or any kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously thru your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc. It doesn't always matter 'what' emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them--even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It doesn't matter...they just 'need' something, anything from you in the way of content. If they don’t' get the blood supply/emotional content from you, they will seek elsewhere. (Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?)
So when you try to break up, he will continue to contact you which is why they are hard to break up with. They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him). These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detach from it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this:
* One contact he's angry, blaming, shaming
When you don't respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression...
* Then one contact will be sweet, loving, buy you things
When you don't respond
* He will promise to do what you've asked for years..go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger management, stop using drugs/alcohol.
When you don't respond
* He will get angry again--say you aren't working on the relationship which is why it's going to fail
When you don't respond
* He will quit calling for a while to make it look like he's moved on (They are boomerangs, they ALWAYS come back a few times.)
When you don’t' respond
* He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else
When you don't respond
* He becomes 'sick' -- he doesn't know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, MS, some other lethal disease
When you don't respond
* He will just go back to drinking/drugging/dealing/driving too fast/etc.
When you don't respond
* He will kill himself, leave the area, never see you again
When you don't respond
* He will threaten to take the kids, drag your a*ss thru court, threaten to harm you
When you don't respond
* He will tell you he's dating someone you hate or his previous girlfriend/wife
When you don't respond
* It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list.
I know that we all think that our experiences are unique. But pathology is all the same--these people aren't very creative and don't deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/silly/stupid reactions to a break up.
Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact and if you have to because of your kids, no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face, the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed.
When someone doesn’t disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintenance of someone with pathological behavior, they are staying because THEY wants to remain.
The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect. This is not a judgment about people not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the dis-engagment has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
Oh my goodness, its him completely, Thats what he does, before i ve always fallen for his tears or charms or empty promises. I really dont know what happened last night whether it was a dream or divine intervention, I woke up at 2am with a killer headache , got up read for a while then went to sleep. This morning I felt different, Whatever it was or is it feels good and I hope it stays with me !!
I know I'm not alone and there are thousands of us going through the same or similar situations on a daily basis, I know reading the posts has helped me.
I know it may be horrible for a while but its better for it to be like this now than to put up with his abusive drunken behaviour for the rest of my life. I know he could end up killing me (most likely senario)or may be id end up snapping and killing him, either way its a toxic dangerous situation and im very glad im in my house and i feel safe and secure, Im playing music i love, i feel relaxed and calm, Better than i have done in so long.
The police have said theyd come down my street on patrol but if any thing kicks off im to call 999 and theyd be at the house wihin minutes. I ve also told my neighbours the situation ( im sure they had a good idea anyway, they arent deaf!!) they said if they hear shouting or if i bang on the wall they ll call the police for me.
So today I feel proud of myself, I ve been proactive in getting my life back on track. Still have a long way to go .. but todays been a very good start!!! Thank you all
I know I'm not alone and there are thousands of us going through the same or similar situations on a daily basis, I know reading the posts has helped me.
I know it may be horrible for a while but its better for it to be like this now than to put up with his abusive drunken behaviour for the rest of my life. I know he could end up killing me (most likely senario)or may be id end up snapping and killing him, either way its a toxic dangerous situation and im very glad im in my house and i feel safe and secure, Im playing music i love, i feel relaxed and calm, Better than i have done in so long.
The police have said theyd come down my street on patrol but if any thing kicks off im to call 999 and theyd be at the house wihin minutes. I ve also told my neighbours the situation ( im sure they had a good idea anyway, they arent deaf!!) they said if they hear shouting or if i bang on the wall they ll call the police for me.
So today I feel proud of myself, I ve been proactive in getting my life back on track. Still have a long way to go .. but todays been a very good start!!! Thank you all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
I refuse to fight with him and lower myself to his level. I am intelligent caring loving person, he tired to destroy me but he didnt , he wont and he cant, I know i deserve peace and happiness, im strong enough to face the future alone as i know ill have the peace i crave.
I have put post it notes around the house reaffirming what i know already, bt I think that has helped too. Thank you all
I have put post it notes around the house reaffirming what i know already, bt I think that has helped too. Thank you all
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest you look into getting a restraining order, as well. I'm glad you are taking the threats seriously and that you have let others know about the situation. If you get a restraining order/order of protection, if he shows up at your house the police could arrest him even if he doesn't do anything else. It gives you a chance to be protected before there is an escalation.
Be careful and stay safe!
Be careful and stay safe!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
unhappi, I agree--you are being given good, solid advice, I think. A word of caution--if you wake from sleep with an unusually bad headache--good idea to have a check-up and mention this to a doctor. This pattern of headache pain should not be ignored. Hopefully, it will never happen again.
dandylion
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
Thank you all,
I had an early night, he did call about 10 times ( im assuming it was him) but I didnt pick up the phone just turned the ring volme down. he came round about 1am , he knocked but got distracted but one of his friends so they went off together. I feel like I slept a proper sleep for the first time in years!! This morning I feel refreshed. I know he won't give up but I won't give in, Im never getting sucked in again. He has lost the capacity to hurt me anymore, and that makes me strong.
I will get a check up with the doctor, I might ask one of the GP s in my clinic today and see what they say. Im off on Monday Ill make an appointment to see a solicitor to see what I can do to make him stay away from me.
For the first time in so long im looking forward to the day ahead. I'm not afraid and more and that says a lot because in the past i've been terrified for my life and sanity. I pray that I'll stay like this and continue to grow in confidence and strength. Seriously You ve all been so supportive, I havent got any friends but I feel I have all of you. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I had an early night, he did call about 10 times ( im assuming it was him) but I didnt pick up the phone just turned the ring volme down. he came round about 1am , he knocked but got distracted but one of his friends so they went off together. I feel like I slept a proper sleep for the first time in years!! This morning I feel refreshed. I know he won't give up but I won't give in, Im never getting sucked in again. He has lost the capacity to hurt me anymore, and that makes me strong.
I will get a check up with the doctor, I might ask one of the GP s in my clinic today and see what they say. Im off on Monday Ill make an appointment to see a solicitor to see what I can do to make him stay away from me.
For the first time in so long im looking forward to the day ahead. I'm not afraid and more and that says a lot because in the past i've been terrified for my life and sanity. I pray that I'll stay like this and continue to grow in confidence and strength. Seriously You ve all been so supportive, I havent got any friends but I feel I have all of you. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
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