Step Study
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hey Morning Glory!
Go to the NA page and read Pernell's "How It
Works" post. It's a beginning step work for NA. I used Pernell's step posts to help design my personal ones.... it worked great.
Luv!
Go to the NA page and read Pernell's "How It
Works" post. It's a beginning step work for NA. I used Pernell's step posts to help design my personal ones.... it worked great.
Luv!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi MG
Melody Beattie, author of "Codependent No More" has an excellent book called "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps". It takes you through each step and specifically addresses issues of codependency. I keep it with my "recovery pile" and re-read the steps often as a check for myself and as an opportunity to see different ways to work the steps in my day to day life.
Hugs
Melody Beattie, author of "Codependent No More" has an excellent book called "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps". It takes you through each step and specifically addresses issues of codependency. I keep it with my "recovery pile" and re-read the steps often as a check for myself and as an opportunity to see different ways to work the steps in my day to day life.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
MG - go get either of these books and they will ehlp you work the steps.....
Melody Beatties Codependent's guide to the 12 steps at any book store - or go to a meeting and get a copy of Path to recovery - Alanon's steps, traditions and concepts....
I prefer the Paths to recovery because at the back of each step there are TONS of questions for you to answer which force you to look at you and your behaviors and perceptions of situations.... Basically working the steps requires you to take an inner look at yourself - that is all..... I posted all the stpe one questions on the naranon board a while ago - i will se eif i can find them again and bring them to the top for you.....
Ogly
Melody Beatties Codependent's guide to the 12 steps at any book store - or go to a meeting and get a copy of Path to recovery - Alanon's steps, traditions and concepts....
I prefer the Paths to recovery because at the back of each step there are TONS of questions for you to answer which force you to look at you and your behaviors and perceptions of situations.... Basically working the steps requires you to take an inner look at yourself - that is all..... I posted all the stpe one questions on the naranon board a while ago - i will se eif i can find them again and bring them to the top for you.....
Ogly
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
her eis what i posted - it is also at the top of the naranon board... i am going to post the questions to step two tonight as well over there.....
Here are some question you all can answer if you want to dosome step work... Get a notebook - your own personal journal and start writing answers.... I will continue to post more questions on a weekly basis for all 12 steps.... these questions can be found inthe book Paths to Recovery - AL-Anon's steps, Traditions and concepts....
do i accept that i cannot control another person's drinking? Another's behavior?
how do i recognize that the alcholic is an individual with habits, charachteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are differnt from mine?
Do i accept that alcholism is a disease? how does that change how i deal with a drinker?
how have i tried to change others in my life? what are the consequences?
what means have i used to get what i want and need? what mightwork better to get my needs met?
how do i feel whenthe alcoholic refuses to be and do what i want? how do i respond?
what would happen if i stopped trying tp change the alcoholic or anyone else?
how can i let go of otyher's probelms instead of trying to solve them?
am i looking for a quick fix to my porblems? is there one?
in what situations do i feel excessive responsibility for other people?
in what situations do i feel shame or embarrassment for someone elses'e behaviour?
what brouhgtme into Al-Anon? what did ihope to gain at the time? how have my expecations changed?
who expressed concern aboutmy behavior? My health? my children? give examples
How do i know mylife is unmanageable?
How have i sought approval and affirmation from others?
do i say "yes" when i want to say no? what happens to my ability to maange my life when i do this?
do i take care of others easily, but find itdiffcult to care for myself?
how do i feel when life is going smoothly? do i continually anticipate probelms. do i feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
how well do i take care of myself?
how do i feel when i am alone?
what is the diference between pity and love?
Am i attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? how have itried to fix them?
Do i trust my own feelings? Do i know what they are?
Here are some question you all can answer if you want to dosome step work... Get a notebook - your own personal journal and start writing answers.... I will continue to post more questions on a weekly basis for all 12 steps.... these questions can be found inthe book Paths to Recovery - AL-Anon's steps, Traditions and concepts....
do i accept that i cannot control another person's drinking? Another's behavior?
how do i recognize that the alcholic is an individual with habits, charachteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are differnt from mine?
Do i accept that alcholism is a disease? how does that change how i deal with a drinker?
how have i tried to change others in my life? what are the consequences?
what means have i used to get what i want and need? what mightwork better to get my needs met?
how do i feel whenthe alcoholic refuses to be and do what i want? how do i respond?
what would happen if i stopped trying tp change the alcoholic or anyone else?
how can i let go of otyher's probelms instead of trying to solve them?
am i looking for a quick fix to my porblems? is there one?
in what situations do i feel excessive responsibility for other people?
in what situations do i feel shame or embarrassment for someone elses'e behaviour?
what brouhgtme into Al-Anon? what did ihope to gain at the time? how have my expecations changed?
who expressed concern aboutmy behavior? My health? my children? give examples
How do i know mylife is unmanageable?
How have i sought approval and affirmation from others?
do i say "yes" when i want to say no? what happens to my ability to maange my life when i do this?
do i take care of others easily, but find itdiffcult to care for myself?
how do i feel when life is going smoothly? do i continually anticipate probelms. do i feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
how well do i take care of myself?
how do i feel when i am alone?
what is the diference between pity and love?
Am i attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? how have itried to fix them?
Do i trust my own feelings? Do i know what they are?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
here is step two 
Came to beleive that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
The following questions may assit us individually and in our groups, to develop an understanding of the relationship of a higher power to our lives.
What is my concept of a higher power at this time?
What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?
Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP? if so, how?
What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?
Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?
How do I describe the HP I found in Al-Anon?
What does " Let go and Let God" mean to me?
What does faith mean to me?
With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?
What I might gain from beleiving I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?
What does "Came to beleive" mean to me?
What does sanity mean to me?
How has the alcoholic situation affect my sanity? my life?
Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my higher power? how?
How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic situation?
How have I turned to a higher power greater than myself in times of greater need? did I call another AL-Anon member? my sponsor? did I read Alanon literature? did I got to a meeting? if not - why not?
In working this step, can I describe a step two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing?
When have I done the same things over and over, yet experienced different results?
from "Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts.
Came to beleive that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
The following questions may assit us individually and in our groups, to develop an understanding of the relationship of a higher power to our lives.
What is my concept of a higher power at this time?
What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?
Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP? if so, how?
What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?
Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?
How do I describe the HP I found in Al-Anon?
What does " Let go and Let God" mean to me?
What does faith mean to me?
With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?
What I might gain from beleiving I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?
What does "Came to beleive" mean to me?
What does sanity mean to me?
How has the alcoholic situation affect my sanity? my life?
Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my higher power? how?
How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic situation?
How have I turned to a higher power greater than myself in times of greater need? did I call another AL-Anon member? my sponsor? did I read Alanon literature? did I got to a meeting? if not - why not?
In working this step, can I describe a step two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing?
When have I done the same things over and over, yet experienced different results?
from "Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello again Morning Glory!
I just deleted a very long post with the accidental flick of a wrist.
I think perhaps, that you were having the same difficulty I did when I wanted to work the steps. I didn't understand what the heck was meant by "working the steps". It's easier for people who have a sponser. They can sort of give you homework. Those of us who would go to a meeting if we could find one at 3 am must devise something else.
Working the steps simply means to devote concentrated attention to the idea of a step until you understand it and see how it applies to you. Answering questions in a workbook is a great way. Try the ones that have been suggested. Pernell gave me my "workbook". I used his step posts from his "God, Culture and Community" site and reworked them to fit my situation. But you HAVE been working step one. You have been talking about it here. Dwell on it until you get it. That's working the steps.
__________________
Okay.... the rest of this is about my personal journey. If you hate mush, you'd better go to the funny link and shoot a few cartoon ducks. NOW!
Step one may be the trickest of all the steps. It's one we can make our intellect accept, but our hearts may rebel at. I have read a lot of step studies written by people that say they keep coming back to work step one. My personal biggest problem with step one, was that I needed steps two and three in order to really commit to step one. I thought I had it. I am powerless, right. Of course. Let go. Wrong! Let go? Give up, turn loose, stop trying? Abandon? It wasn't until I started dealing with the concept of HP, that I began to close in on step one in a way that I could apply to myself. Your A is your son. I know that you feel as fiercely as I do that you will never ever EVER give up. But what you can do is give over. Perhaps that is an easier concept for those who come to the 12 steps with a more defined faith than I had.
I have had some remarkable experiences spiritually since finding this site. I have, up until now, only shared them with Pernell. The dear dear man was so kind and endlessly patient with me when I first got here, he sort of became my sponser pro temp. BUT NOW... I'm going to post my dream. It was many months ago, and I was really struggling over step one. I believe this was guidance given to me by HP in symbols that I could understand. This isn't everyone's answer. But it was mine. And it was in this dream that step one gelled for me.
-----------------
I was in someone else's home. We were frantically trying to get ready for a production that was imminent. I was a performer... which is not unheard of, just not typical. I couldn't find my panty hose. I was searching around a heap of clothing near a window, and noticed several birds caught between the two layers of glass. 3 were dead, but one, a beautiful cardinal... was struggling to free itself. I called other peoples attention to it, and said I thought that we should get it out. Everyone demurred. They didn't know how to get the window open, and we were in a hurry. I didn't know how, either, but decided I must be able to figure it out. The fittings were very old and unlike anything I'd ever seen. The interior glass was sort of like a venetian blind... I saw that the outside glass was the same... with wider slats. I couldn't figure out how the birds got in there in the first place. All was shut tight. There was a pull cord, such as blinds have, but as I tugged at it, it raised only a couple of slats and then broke... but not before I got my fingers underneath. The glass was very fragile, and I began to fear that it would break and kill the bird, instead of freeing it. I was carefully holding the bottom with one hand, and taking the slats off with the other. My friends were saying... "you're going to get cut" and "don't let it in here". I tried to hand off the breaking pieces, but no one would help. They were afraid of what the injured bird would do to them, or that they would be cut by the glass. I wasn't. I was only afraid it would die. Somehow, a large piece of the outside broke in my hand. My fear increased, because I was afraid the whole thing would come crashing down and kill the bird. I knew you couldn't feel it when glass cuts... so I checked my hands. I was fine. Then I saw that the bird was no longer there. It had gotten out through the big broken slat that I was still holding, and I didn't see where it went. Out, obviously, not in. I carefully let the window rest and got my hands out. Somehow, it was seamlessly shut... even with the slats missing. I didn't know what would become of the bird... or where it went. It was in nature's hands now, but it had a chance. I did what I had to do. I set it free... I broke some glass... but the window remained between me and the outside, self-healed.
Letting something go is an action. Not an inaction. Something as simple as loosing a balloon requires that you open your hand. Setting something free is more active still, and sometimes requires risk to yourself. I could have "let go" of the bird... picked up my pantyhose and left it to it's fate. I chose to risk for a greater prize, though everyone told me not to. Once done, however, I could only pray that the bird could still fly.
So what I think HP was trying to tell me, is, "Never fear to do the thing that you can do. Listen to your heart and not the naysayers. THEN, let go and let God."
___________
I know that was an extremely long post. If you were able to stay awake until the end, I hope perhaps seeing part of someone else's "step work" can help give you the confidence that you can devise your own.
Love,
Smoke
I just deleted a very long post with the accidental flick of a wrist.
I think perhaps, that you were having the same difficulty I did when I wanted to work the steps. I didn't understand what the heck was meant by "working the steps". It's easier for people who have a sponser. They can sort of give you homework. Those of us who would go to a meeting if we could find one at 3 am must devise something else.
Working the steps simply means to devote concentrated attention to the idea of a step until you understand it and see how it applies to you. Answering questions in a workbook is a great way. Try the ones that have been suggested. Pernell gave me my "workbook". I used his step posts from his "God, Culture and Community" site and reworked them to fit my situation. But you HAVE been working step one. You have been talking about it here. Dwell on it until you get it. That's working the steps.
__________________
Okay.... the rest of this is about my personal journey. If you hate mush, you'd better go to the funny link and shoot a few cartoon ducks. NOW!
Step one may be the trickest of all the steps. It's one we can make our intellect accept, but our hearts may rebel at. I have read a lot of step studies written by people that say they keep coming back to work step one. My personal biggest problem with step one, was that I needed steps two and three in order to really commit to step one. I thought I had it. I am powerless, right. Of course. Let go. Wrong! Let go? Give up, turn loose, stop trying? Abandon? It wasn't until I started dealing with the concept of HP, that I began to close in on step one in a way that I could apply to myself. Your A is your son. I know that you feel as fiercely as I do that you will never ever EVER give up. But what you can do is give over. Perhaps that is an easier concept for those who come to the 12 steps with a more defined faith than I had.
I have had some remarkable experiences spiritually since finding this site. I have, up until now, only shared them with Pernell. The dear dear man was so kind and endlessly patient with me when I first got here, he sort of became my sponser pro temp. BUT NOW... I'm going to post my dream. It was many months ago, and I was really struggling over step one. I believe this was guidance given to me by HP in symbols that I could understand. This isn't everyone's answer. But it was mine. And it was in this dream that step one gelled for me.
-----------------
I was in someone else's home. We were frantically trying to get ready for a production that was imminent. I was a performer... which is not unheard of, just not typical. I couldn't find my panty hose. I was searching around a heap of clothing near a window, and noticed several birds caught between the two layers of glass. 3 were dead, but one, a beautiful cardinal... was struggling to free itself. I called other peoples attention to it, and said I thought that we should get it out. Everyone demurred. They didn't know how to get the window open, and we were in a hurry. I didn't know how, either, but decided I must be able to figure it out. The fittings were very old and unlike anything I'd ever seen. The interior glass was sort of like a venetian blind... I saw that the outside glass was the same... with wider slats. I couldn't figure out how the birds got in there in the first place. All was shut tight. There was a pull cord, such as blinds have, but as I tugged at it, it raised only a couple of slats and then broke... but not before I got my fingers underneath. The glass was very fragile, and I began to fear that it would break and kill the bird, instead of freeing it. I was carefully holding the bottom with one hand, and taking the slats off with the other. My friends were saying... "you're going to get cut" and "don't let it in here". I tried to hand off the breaking pieces, but no one would help. They were afraid of what the injured bird would do to them, or that they would be cut by the glass. I wasn't. I was only afraid it would die. Somehow, a large piece of the outside broke in my hand. My fear increased, because I was afraid the whole thing would come crashing down and kill the bird. I knew you couldn't feel it when glass cuts... so I checked my hands. I was fine. Then I saw that the bird was no longer there. It had gotten out through the big broken slat that I was still holding, and I didn't see where it went. Out, obviously, not in. I carefully let the window rest and got my hands out. Somehow, it was seamlessly shut... even with the slats missing. I didn't know what would become of the bird... or where it went. It was in nature's hands now, but it had a chance. I did what I had to do. I set it free... I broke some glass... but the window remained between me and the outside, self-healed.
Letting something go is an action. Not an inaction. Something as simple as loosing a balloon requires that you open your hand. Setting something free is more active still, and sometimes requires risk to yourself. I could have "let go" of the bird... picked up my pantyhose and left it to it's fate. I chose to risk for a greater prize, though everyone told me not to. Once done, however, I could only pray that the bird could still fly.
So what I think HP was trying to tell me, is, "Never fear to do the thing that you can do. Listen to your heart and not the naysayers. THEN, let go and let God."
___________
I know that was an extremely long post. If you were able to stay awake until the end, I hope perhaps seeing part of someone else's "step work" can help give you the confidence that you can devise your own.
Love,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Morning Glory...
Maybe you should look up that seashell people book. It deals with these issues of trust and worthiness. She offers suggestions of what you can do to help get over these feelings.
I can only imagine the pain you must feel over your husbands suicide, but I can identify with feeling that God betrayed you when you placed your trust there. You must have considered, however, that if God did not stop your husband's action, you could not have. I don't know what your philosophy is, but either the responsibility is God's or your husband's. Letting go and letting God only means that you do not accept responsibility that is not yours. You don't even seem to be blaming God. You blame yourself for trusting God. Your husband's suicide was his doing, not yours.
I struggled with feelings of unworthiness for many years, too. I don't even know how to tell you it ended. It was as if the "duh!" light went off in my brain. Suddenly I just knew I had a right to all the air I could breathe. And I'm guessing that you are also like me in that, people who knew me would not have believed I felt that way. As a matter of fact.... some of those silly people wished they were LIKE me. Hah! Little did they know. And so I know that me telling you how wonderful you seem and how much you've added to this site and my life will not make a lot of difference in how you feel. But I did think, when I read the exercises in that book, that they would have helped me back when.
Love,
Smoke
Maybe you should look up that seashell people book. It deals with these issues of trust and worthiness. She offers suggestions of what you can do to help get over these feelings.
I can only imagine the pain you must feel over your husbands suicide, but I can identify with feeling that God betrayed you when you placed your trust there. You must have considered, however, that if God did not stop your husband's action, you could not have. I don't know what your philosophy is, but either the responsibility is God's or your husband's. Letting go and letting God only means that you do not accept responsibility that is not yours. You don't even seem to be blaming God. You blame yourself for trusting God. Your husband's suicide was his doing, not yours.
I struggled with feelings of unworthiness for many years, too. I don't even know how to tell you it ended. It was as if the "duh!" light went off in my brain. Suddenly I just knew I had a right to all the air I could breathe. And I'm guessing that you are also like me in that, people who knew me would not have believed I felt that way. As a matter of fact.... some of those silly people wished they were LIKE me. Hah! Little did they know. And so I know that me telling you how wonderful you seem and how much you've added to this site and my life will not make a lot of difference in how you feel. But I did think, when I read the exercises in that book, that they would have helped me back when.
Love,
Smoke
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
MG,
I am thinking about your reaction to your loss then and mine now and I am thinking that there is a fundamental difference in reactions primarily due to the fact that you were 22 and I am "somewhat more mature"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> and also my previous experiences due to my "more mature" status. And then there is 10 years of recovery.
I believe in a plan...in my case I do not for the life of me know what it is...but more will be revealed. If you worked your way slowly from today backward...perhaps you may have a glimpse of what God had planned for you when you weren't looking.
Smoke...I had to scan back up to see if that was really you. You are notoriously brief...I suspected correctly that there was lot behind those few words. Very thought provoking. Letting go does not mean abandoning. If there is something you want to do it can be wieghed against all of your characture defects (controlling, manipulating, enabling and on and on) and if it comes up a winner go for it. We have over many years pretty much covered every missed opportunity with our son...but does not preclude a new set of circumstances..like what is happenening now. Never say never.
Luv,
JT
I am thinking about your reaction to your loss then and mine now and I am thinking that there is a fundamental difference in reactions primarily due to the fact that you were 22 and I am "somewhat more mature"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> and also my previous experiences due to my "more mature" status. And then there is 10 years of recovery.
I believe in a plan...in my case I do not for the life of me know what it is...but more will be revealed. If you worked your way slowly from today backward...perhaps you may have a glimpse of what God had planned for you when you weren't looking.
Smoke...I had to scan back up to see if that was really you. You are notoriously brief...I suspected correctly that there was lot behind those few words. Very thought provoking. Letting go does not mean abandoning. If there is something you want to do it can be wieghed against all of your characture defects (controlling, manipulating, enabling and on and on) and if it comes up a winner go for it. We have over many years pretty much covered every missed opportunity with our son...but does not preclude a new set of circumstances..like what is happenening now. Never say never.
Luv,
JT
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