How do I know
 

I never know when my AH has been drinking. I had I idea he drank as heavily as the therapist in rehab explained. I dont think I realized he ever drank more than two beers and a glass of red wine with his dinner. I am naive. I dont drink that often and had no idea he was an A. He tested positive on a random test for his job. He was in an iop and drank the entire time apparently. Then he tested positive on a test in the iop and had to go into inpatient rehab. He came home last week. He was great for a few days. It was like I had the real him back. I had forgotten who he was and why I fell in love with him. But last week it was as if that horrible beast that had taken over his body and mind had disappeared. But then Sunday I began to notice some old behaviors. He stayed to himself. He was secretive. And then Monday it happened, the beast reappeared. My AH was mean and verbally aggressive and verbally abusive.
My AH doesn't stumble in drunk that I can tell. He doesn't slur words or pass out. Although Sunday, he slept until 10:00 and then slept another three hours that afternoon. How do I know if he is drinking again or just a mean, abusive person?

He sounds like he was drinking to me, but does it really matter? Even if it was dry drunk behavior, it's still alcohol related BS.

I'm sorry he treated you so badly. :(

HUGS

Thank you. And I know you are right. What does it matter, it is still bad behavior. Why do I allow him to get into my head and make me question myself. In my head I know the things he says are not true. But when he says them they cut to the bone and crush my heart and spirit. I hate that we all are having to deal with the A's in our lives that make us question all sane and rational judgement and actions. I want out of this vicious cycle.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I hope you are able to find your way out soon.

I agree with dreams, it doesn't really matter what instigates the abusive behavior, it's still abusive. For what it's worth, i can always smell alcohol on my AH. As I don't drink, it's very obvious to me.

Richardswife, I have to agree w/those who posted before me. I also have an AH who is exceedingly good at concealing his drinking. The only way I could ever tell was if he would "overshoot" and be obviously drunk. Other than that, I could never tell, and in the end, that's not what matters anyway. What DOES matter is if his behavior is something you want to live with.

In my case, there was never overt abuse or violence, but there WAS nonstop lying, emotional unavailability and just mostly the fact that he was not present in the relationship. He wouldn't remember things we talked about, he had no interest in doing anything that would take him outside the house (where he drank) or outside our usual routine (set up to allow him to drink).

And eventually I had to ask/answer the same question as you: Does it matter if he's drinking or not? What matters is this behavior--is this what I want from my husband? If not, the reason for it really doesn't matter. It's just plain unacceptable, and I need to make my own arrangements to move ahead, whatever they may be and in whatever time frame they maybe.

I'd like to suggest you try some Alanon meetings, if you haven't already. You might get some more insight and support there, too.

Wow I could have written this post. Once I was finally able to detach and get some perspective on the situation I realized every time I questioned his behavior he was in fact drinking. And I was staying sick by continuing to focus on him. Right now separation is working for us. I'm finally able to separate the disease from the person. I hope he maintains his sobriety but I have plans to keep myself healthy regardless.

Doesn't matter.
Either way, it's unacceptable behavior to treat your wife and child that way.

I understand the struggle. To me, it always mattered. I even find today that I wonder "remember that time 2 years ago when we were at xyz, were you drunk then?" For me, not knowing and wondering what is "truth" is worse than knowing the truth even if it is BAD. But I believe in the advice that it really shouldn't matter.

Regarding "How do I know," ... With my family, I know the truth. With my friends, I know the truth. They don't lie to me. But I am slowly starting to realize that I may NEVER know the truth when it comes to an alcoholics behavior. It is really so sad.

Richardswife,
I have come to actually be jealous - ! - of people here who have As whose drinking is clear, obvious, tangible.

It was all so shadowy and mysterious - AH's drinking. That was in many ways much worse than the few times he was out of control clearly just plain drunk. Even the out and out abuse had an element of relief to it compared to the subtle lies, mistreatments, cruelties that no one could detect except me - if I was feeling sure of myself - and maybe my children.

I feel for you.

Yay! I may be in dire financial straights, but no more living with that crazy A! Hurrah for that!

No advice, just commiserating - I have no clue if my RAH is drinking. And I had no clue he was drinking most of the time and I've realized I'll never be able to tell. For me it is a big part of why our future is uncertain even if he stays active in recovery b/c I don't know if I'll be able to trust him.

Couldn't have said it any better. I was ALWAYS shocked when I finally figured out xyz was happening because he was drunk. You would think after 17 years I would have figured it out.

I struggled & am still struggling with the same question and now it's one year after my divorce and still I ask was it the alcohol or is he just mental or abusive. Others remind me of a couple of things: 1-the simplest answer is probably the correct answer (meaning alcohol causes this) and 2-it's not the amount they drink that determines it, it is the need to have it that determines it.

Thank you all for your responses and kindness. It helps so much to finally have a place I can tell people without judgement and also ask questions of those walking the same path. I gain strength and insight each time I log on. Thank you!

Me too Richardswife. This site is a lifesaver for me.