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Progress not perfection

Old 08-12-2013, 12:38 PM
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Progress not perfection

I have been working very hard at coming to grips with my own shortcomings and character defects. Trying VERY hard to take the focus off of AH. I find that I have had some sort of inner demon released recently because I realized that I have been more at peace, more quiet and calm mentally, and more willing to work on myself.

I constantly remind myself that it's progress not perfection. Recently, I found documents that AH had printed (well, his print job didn't finish or maybe he tried to print it twice and when I went to print something, his job finished and I saw this paperwork) and it was a legal separation agreement. At first, I was livid. He wanted everything financially, wanted me out of the house, and wanted custody every other week. Then, I sat back and realized that he probably won't give them to me anyway and that he obviously doesn't know the law. And, quite frankly, I settled down very quickly and just stopped thinking about it.

He told me he burned his old journals. He is now planning on going on a missions trip to Haiti with a friend in November and this friend is his old buddy who was in AA about 25 years ago. This friend is also the only other person outside our family (of his friends) who knows about the DUI and drinking issues.

We aren't really speaking about our marriage issues. He's not going to counseling anymore nor is he going to AA. I refuse to let myself read into any of his actions or words. More will be revealed and if HP is working on his heart I truly believe it will be revealed to me when HP feels I'm ready for it.

My son starts school this week, and since I'm the teacher I've been working on weekly lesson plans, UGH! But, as tedious as it is, the reward is even better. The dog is driving me crazy right now so I have to go play with him so that my son can start his math. Hope everyone has an amazing week. I plan on continuing my spiritual path, staying out of HPs way, and leaving my AH to his own devices and turning him over to his own HP.
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Old 08-12-2013, 12:48 PM
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Liz, i hope you spend equal time and attention to the things about you that are wonderful and inspiring. They are just as, if not more, important than you "shortcomings and character defects". And there are plenty of them!
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Old 08-12-2013, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Liz, i hope you spend equal time and attention to the things about you that are wonderful and inspiring. They are just as, if not more, important than you "shortcomings and character defects". And there are plenty of them!
Aww, thank you! I needed that reminder because yes, I have a hard time 'thinking' about my positives, LOL! I'm sitting here watching my son do his math lesson and I'm so grateful for school starting right now. It gives me something else to focus on other than AH. Between Al Anon and my recovery work and homeschooling and tennis, I am hoping to stay quite busy, LOL!
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Old 08-12-2013, 01:25 PM
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Liz, if I am speaking out of line....then my bad..and I will apologize. But, from where I sit, it looks like your hp thinks you are ready for this when he allowed you to see the separation papers with his intentions written down.

I'll tell you a story about someone I know. One night, many years ago, I awoke, well after midnight to the sound of my (departed) husband yelling "You stupid son-0f-a-*****!!!!!"
It seems that his campaign manager had called him in a panic--he had left his briefcase open on the dining room table, His wife went in, looking for a pen, and discovered pictures of him and his mistress together--his mistress of 5yrs!! Well, the distraught wife went to the Priest and the Priest convinced her to stay with the marriage. In a subsequent conversation my husband's associate revealed that he was growing "tired" of the mistresse's pressure for him to leave the wife. So. he "accidently" left the pictures in a prominent place. It is funny how these accidents happen.

I'm just saying.......be prepared for any eventuality.

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Old 08-12-2013, 01:54 PM
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Dandylion, I thought of that right away. That there was a reason I saw those papers. I am not holding out for any miracles. Actually, I am meeting with an attorney next week to discuss my rights in response to his requests, even though he's not presented the separation document to me yet. I have mentally prepared myself for this, and I'm working on my response and what I need to do. I made copies of a few important financial documents and left them with a neighbor so that he wouldn't find my paperwork as I found his. Basically, I'm open for whatever God has in store for my future, hopefully with my eyes open and my head NOT buried in the sand. If there is reconciliation the future, great, we'll go through that door if it opens. If it's a separation or divorce, OK, then it's one step at a time through that door, which will also be an open door because it will be a new beginning. Either way, a new beginning is better than a stagnating cesspool of anger and resentment, don't you think?
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Old 08-12-2013, 02:12 PM
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Yeah, I guess it really doesn't matter how the cow ate the cabbage---the salient fact is that the cabbage is eaten.

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Old 08-13-2013, 07:11 AM
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i believe your HP has helped you alot to get to this point, whether its you or your husband doing the "filing"

now you can sigh of relief and that the two of you are for once "on the same page" even though no one is talking...

its time for planning...for you and your son...
be kind to yourself...
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Old 08-13-2013, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
i believe your HP has helped you alot to get to this point, whether its you or your husband doing the "filing"

now you can sigh of relief and that the two of you are for once "on the same page" even though no one is talking...

its time for planning...for you and your son...
be kind to yourself...
Yeah, well, the way he's talking and being communicative again and being nice and going to do mission work, etc you'd think everything is hunky dory around here. At least, that's what he wants me to see. I don't think he's going to be giving me those papers any time soon. I think he's just as codependent as I am. I am really trying to focus on what I need to do for me and just leave him to his HP. Really, that's all I can do!
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Old 08-13-2013, 02:02 PM
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Liz, I know that you are terrified of confrontation with your husband an d prefer to take a
passive stance. I hope that you will be remaining aggressively proactive for your own good--like following through with the lawyer, making specific plans for your future (future employment, etc.). You don't want to get boonschwaggled!!

I've got a feeling that more may be going on in the background than he is saying---esp. with his good mood and the plans for a longer time away from the home.

You may be "on your own" sooner that you had counted on.

Forewarned is forearmed.

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Old 08-13-2013, 04:06 PM
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Thank you, Dandylion, yes I am preparing if that is the case. I made copies of all sorts of documents last week and left them with a trusted friend. I am looking forward to meeting the lawyer next week, she seems quite amiable and is knowledgeable as well. I am currently working on a list of questions for her and I'm really hoping to get a clearer picture of how things could pan out, good and bad scenarios, etc.
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