First time posting
 

Been dealing with AH for 20 years. Dated for 5 before married. He was so kind, funny, just generally my best friend. Trusted him with my life, in fact, quit my job to stay home with the kids 16 years ago. Has progressed to where there is no trust. Money always missing from account. Doesn't come home for days at a time. I am feeling so depressed and sad, but i did manage to apply for 6 jobs yesterday. I am hoping this is the way to establish some sort of stability for our family, but I am worried about how much change it will be for the kids. Sorry this is so long. Is this the right first step to find my way?:gaah

Welcome, Zaks.

I don't know if there is any particular right first step - but I do know opening up and talking about your situation certainly helps. Have you considered Al-Anon meetings? Try a handful, preferably different locations as they all have their own flavor.

Kids adjust to change, probably better than adults do! I wouldn't worry about that change as much as I'd worry about the damage being done by having an alcoholic father in the household. To me - that's the bigger issue here.

I am sorry for your situation that brings you here, but hope you find this forum a safe place to share, learn, and feel a little less sad!

Keep coming back,
~T

Thanks, Tuffgirl
 

Yes; for sure on the Alanon meetings. I've been to one, but I cried the whole time. Couldn't even be introduced to anyone without crying. Maybe people there see that a lot.
And this is ANOTHER attempt for him to get sober. I am trying to move forward regardless.
Thanks for your kind message. This is a great site.

Zaks, I am quite sure that working would enhance your self-esteem and self-confidence as well as improve family finances. Child are quite adaptable and the majority of moms throughout this country work without any damage to their children for doing so. A happier mother is an asset to her children.

If you sense that you will ultimately leave the marriage--then having employment is a very good move, in my opinion.

Also, consulting a lawyer to know what your rights are (fact finding ) would be another thing for you to consider.

dandylion

Hi Zaks,

I also feel like finding a job would be great for you. If you are happy, and feel independent and strong, it can only be good for your children. You can try it out and see how it goes. Nothing is set in stone.

It sounds like you are taking a lot of positive steps forward. Good for you.

HUGS

I cried pretty much every AlAnon meeting for the first month. Yes, it's normal. That's the beauty of those meetings. It's a very safe place to let your emotions out. Most of can't give in and cry around work, kids, etc. But in AlAnon you can speak your truth, and cry if you need to. If you keep going, you'll find that eventually you don't cry all the time...you start to feel better. Even if the A is still drinking, you start to feel better. That's the truth.

I think finding work will be good for your children to see. They need a good role model. It's not unusual for Mom's to find work outside the home, whether it's for finances or because they just want to feel some independence. My friend went back to work at a particular store because she wanted the employee discounts! Reason doesn't matter, the kids will adjust fine.

Glad you're here...keep trying AlAnon.

This too will be my very first post ... But I feel the need to share this .... I got a job (part time) 2yrs ago. I had stayed home for the last 13yrs raising my children. I am still married to an active AH. My job SAVED my life!! To be removed from the dysfunction, drama, and down right suffocating situation at home was the BEST thing I have done for myself. I am pretty numb most days, but those hours at work make me feel GREAT. To focus on something other than my ongoing nightmare was a huge blessing I had no clue I needed.

To both Zaks and hopegone, welcome to SR! This site has been such a source of education and comfort to me; I hope both of you find the same here.

In my opinion, you are both smart to be making moves towards financial independence. As was said, it's a good idea on so many different levels.

I also want to echo the advice about Alanon. You may or may not agree with every little thing that is said, but overall, there is nothing like it for in-person support and growth. As they say in Alanon, "Take what you like and leave the rest." Here's a link to find meetings http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ And yes, Zaks, I think crying at meetings is pretty much expected--more the norm than the exception, in my experience!

Again, so glad both of you have come here and I wish you both peace and clarity as you move ahead.

Zaks, Welcome to a great place where you'll find all sorts of support & understanding.

I've been on both sides of this thing and know the heartache you are describing. I didn't handle things very well back when it happened to me - I was the classic enabler. I didn't even understand what alcoholism was. I'm glad you're reaching out for information and help.