Every day is so hard
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
Every day is so hard
Hi everyone,
I think I need a bit of support. My AH, left the property and has no other items of his in the house but he still comes round most days and makes me feel awful. It swings between him crying and begging for forgiveness and pleading for us to try and work things out, to him screaming and shouting insults when he does nt get his way.
Im sick of it, For a few weeks I felt I was doing okay , I felt strong and in control but he's been getting in my head ( I know its because I let him) and I don't know what to do. If I have him back i know he ll be drinking when he gets his money again. I think I'm too tired to try, I don't even feel like I want to be with him, I dont need the insults and put downs. It's like I have the idea of how are marriage should be but its an impossible dream as hes an alcoholic. I know he ll never change because he truly thinks everyone else has the problem except him.
I just wish he'd leave me alone. I ve tried the no contact rule, but he comes round the house, or calls me on my work phone from a number withheld and and as its my work i have to answer, When he speaks I cut the line but it messes with my head and I feel upset.
I hate to say but sometimes I miss him, I miss the good times, it may be his mind games and manipulation but I feel bad when he gets upset.
Its like I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't know when I'll be able to feel happy and look forward to the day as Im always worried about him turning up and causing havoc.
I feel so alone sometimes, I have no friends, I have told my mum about how awful things have been but she thinks im ok and hes been leaving me alone. I don't want to worry her. I guess today has just been a bad day, He s called about 20 times,I answered one and told him i was working can he please stop calling, He then called again my student picked up phone and he said abusive things about me to her. I m going away end of august for a week and Im counting the days, my daughter wants to come back with me but I don't want her to be sucked in and feel stressed like I am.
Any ideas please
I think I need a bit of support. My AH, left the property and has no other items of his in the house but he still comes round most days and makes me feel awful. It swings between him crying and begging for forgiveness and pleading for us to try and work things out, to him screaming and shouting insults when he does nt get his way.
Im sick of it, For a few weeks I felt I was doing okay , I felt strong and in control but he's been getting in my head ( I know its because I let him) and I don't know what to do. If I have him back i know he ll be drinking when he gets his money again. I think I'm too tired to try, I don't even feel like I want to be with him, I dont need the insults and put downs. It's like I have the idea of how are marriage should be but its an impossible dream as hes an alcoholic. I know he ll never change because he truly thinks everyone else has the problem except him.
I just wish he'd leave me alone. I ve tried the no contact rule, but he comes round the house, or calls me on my work phone from a number withheld and and as its my work i have to answer, When he speaks I cut the line but it messes with my head and I feel upset.
I hate to say but sometimes I miss him, I miss the good times, it may be his mind games and manipulation but I feel bad when he gets upset.
Its like I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't know when I'll be able to feel happy and look forward to the day as Im always worried about him turning up and causing havoc.
I feel so alone sometimes, I have no friends, I have told my mum about how awful things have been but she thinks im ok and hes been leaving me alone. I don't want to worry her. I guess today has just been a bad day, He s called about 20 times,I answered one and told him i was working can he please stop calling, He then called again my student picked up phone and he said abusive things about me to her. I m going away end of august for a week and Im counting the days, my daughter wants to come back with me but I don't want her to be sucked in and feel stressed like I am.
Any ideas please
Last edited by unhappi; 08-11-2013 at 08:03 AM. Reason: errors
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
This is just terrible! I understand how upset you must be.
I notice you're in the UK. Can you talk to a lawyer about some sort of restraining order?
I don't think I'd answer his calls under any circumstance, and I think going away for a week might help a little. Any chance you can stay a little longer?
I notice you're in the UK. Can you talk to a lawyer about some sort of restraining order?
I don't think I'd answer his calls under any circumstance, and I think going away for a week might help a little. Any chance you can stay a little longer?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Yes - consider a restraining order. What he is doing is considered harassment and potential stalking, not to mention trespassing if this is your property only. If you want him to leave you alone, then take the steps to make that happen.
However, that said, I sense there's a part of you that isn't quite ready to go all out to make that happen. It would mean getting law enforcement involved and potentially "getting him into trouble".
It's ok to grieve the loss of the dream of the relationship you were going to have, but its not ok to allow this man to harass you or your students on an ongoing basis.
How badly do you want this to be over?
However, that said, I sense there's a part of you that isn't quite ready to go all out to make that happen. It would mean getting law enforcement involved and potentially "getting him into trouble".
It's ok to grieve the loss of the dream of the relationship you were going to have, but its not ok to allow this man to harass you or your students on an ongoing basis.
How badly do you want this to be over?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
unhappi, there are ways to curtail his harassing behaviors--but, Tuffgirl asks a very pertinent question---How badly do you want this to stop? You will have to be willing to do what it takes to cause him to stop by legal means.
When my adult son was out of control and coming by the house and causing "scenes"--I contacted police and obtained a no trespassing order. If he were to come on the property, I could call the police and, if he were there, they could ask him to leave or possibly arrest him. Actually, he stopped as soon as he l earned about the no trespasssing order. I really hated doing it--but, it was something I had to do at the time---for my own good as well as his.
dandylion
When my adult son was out of control and coming by the house and causing "scenes"--I contacted police and obtained a no trespassing order. If he were to come on the property, I could call the police and, if he were there, they could ask him to leave or possibly arrest him. Actually, he stopped as soon as he l earned about the no trespasssing order. I really hated doing it--but, it was something I had to do at the time---for my own good as well as his.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He is not respecting your boundaries, and he is harassing you. You need to speak with a lawyer about getting a restraining order. I would also file a report with the police, say he's stalking you at work and harassing your co-workers when they answer the phone.
He is responsible for the consequences of his actions. It's perfectly okay to let him experience that. For now, he thinks he can wear you down and doesn't think you'll do anything about it. But you're right, if you let him back nothing will have changed. That's evident by the fact that he said abusive things to your co-worker.
It took a lot of work for you to get to this place where he's out of the house. Do you really want to start that all over again? So just take the extra steps to finish what you started on the path to your freedom. I would get the restraining order as soon as possible.
He is responsible for the consequences of his actions. It's perfectly okay to let him experience that. For now, he thinks he can wear you down and doesn't think you'll do anything about it. But you're right, if you let him back nothing will have changed. That's evident by the fact that he said abusive things to your co-worker.
It took a lot of work for you to get to this place where he's out of the house. Do you really want to start that all over again? So just take the extra steps to finish what you started on the path to your freedom. I would get the restraining order as soon as possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
I do want him to leave me alone, if it could be done without the police then i'd prefer it that way. Anytime police have been involved it just makes the situation worse. I hate seeing him manhandled by them it just makes me feel sick inside. I think he knows that tho.
I think im in a better place than I was last month, but I still have a long way to go.
I don't want him back in the house, when Im inside I can bolt th doors and I feel safe, thats a good feeling. I think hes doing it more,( he was quiet for a few weeks) because he knows im stronger now. I admit I do still love him, part of me always will, we had the potential to have an amazing relationship but he needed alcohol more than he needed me. I think part of me still misses the sober him because then things were so good. I remember tho that towards the end i was always on edge waiting for him to start drinking again. I guess its the old Jekyll and Hyde thing.
I dream of a life where i dont always worry if he'll be banging on the door, crying or insulting me. Where I dont have to look over my shoulder, and i feel that if I go to the town on my day off , i wont feel guilty and ill be able to put my head up high. Sorry im rambling a bit. I know this is the hard bit , staying strong and not giving into the mind games , being strong and doing whats good for me.
I think im in a better place than I was last month, but I still have a long way to go.
I don't want him back in the house, when Im inside I can bolt th doors and I feel safe, thats a good feeling. I think hes doing it more,( he was quiet for a few weeks) because he knows im stronger now. I admit I do still love him, part of me always will, we had the potential to have an amazing relationship but he needed alcohol more than he needed me. I think part of me still misses the sober him because then things were so good. I remember tho that towards the end i was always on edge waiting for him to start drinking again. I guess its the old Jekyll and Hyde thing.
I dream of a life where i dont always worry if he'll be banging on the door, crying or insulting me. Where I dont have to look over my shoulder, and i feel that if I go to the town on my day off , i wont feel guilty and ill be able to put my head up high. Sorry im rambling a bit. I know this is the hard bit , staying strong and not giving into the mind games , being strong and doing whats good for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I am so sorry you are living like this.
I can understand you not wanting to see him "manhandled' by the police.
But............
If you really want peace, and you really want him to leave you alone, this maybe a necessary step.
I sent mixed signals to XA for years. I would say "that's it, no more" and a couple of weeks later I would be back riding the crazy train. So when I was really DONE, it was natural that he did not believe/accept my words. He thought he could sweet talk/ promise me the moon and weasel his way back into my life.
Try and remember these are his actions, his choice, and it will be his consequence.
you matter too, my friend. You deserve peace.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, if he ends up "manhandled" by the police, it's his actions that caused it, not YOURS.
Sometimes, people just have to end up in front of a judge, to understand, the other person means business.
Sending you support.
I can understand you not wanting to see him "manhandled' by the police.
But............
If you really want peace, and you really want him to leave you alone, this maybe a necessary step.
I sent mixed signals to XA for years. I would say "that's it, no more" and a couple of weeks later I would be back riding the crazy train. So when I was really DONE, it was natural that he did not believe/accept my words. He thought he could sweet talk/ promise me the moon and weasel his way back into my life.
Try and remember these are his actions, his choice, and it will be his consequence.
you matter too, my friend. You deserve peace.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, if he ends up "manhandled" by the police, it's his actions that caused it, not YOURS.
Sometimes, people just have to end up in front of a judge, to understand, the other person means business.
Sending you support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 34
I know I can take a lot, but when I ve had enough thats it, Thats how I feel. I have had enough, In the past I probably have sent mixed signals so I did get sucked in again, This time its different , I don't feel the same . I don't want to go down that same road again, I know I deserve better, I know I ve tried my utmost hardest to make our marriage work. I think the final straw was when he sold his wedding ring for booze, that crushed my heart,as it showed how little our marriage meant to him.
That was the turning point of when he pushed me to far...now I know I am on the road to getting me back, I have my house that is my safe haven, I was going to sell it but its nearly paid off and makes more sense to pay it off and then decide what to do. When I finish work and go home, I bolt the door and I feel safe, I can watch the movies he hated, I can leave my cup in the sink without him scraming at me and calling me a tramp, I can play my classical music or my rock music without his voice in my ear.
Every day I am taking a step closer to getting 'me' back. Sometimes I get lonely.. not necessarily for him but for some company, I have no friends (it caused to many fights).
I feel that every day is a hard slog, its hard trying to be strong when sometimes all i feel like doing is crying my heart out to try and get rid of the pain I feel. I love him, Im his wife, why would he hurt me so much.
I think i need to really grieve over the loss of our marriage and its like i start tying too but stop myself. I think im afraid that if i start crying, i wont be able to stop.Im grateful I have you guys to let off stream too. Thank you all
That was the turning point of when he pushed me to far...now I know I am on the road to getting me back, I have my house that is my safe haven, I was going to sell it but its nearly paid off and makes more sense to pay it off and then decide what to do. When I finish work and go home, I bolt the door and I feel safe, I can watch the movies he hated, I can leave my cup in the sink without him scraming at me and calling me a tramp, I can play my classical music or my rock music without his voice in my ear.
Every day I am taking a step closer to getting 'me' back. Sometimes I get lonely.. not necessarily for him but for some company, I have no friends (it caused to many fights).
I feel that every day is a hard slog, its hard trying to be strong when sometimes all i feel like doing is crying my heart out to try and get rid of the pain I feel. I love him, Im his wife, why would he hurt me so much.
I think i need to really grieve over the loss of our marriage and its like i start tying too but stop myself. I think im afraid that if i start crying, i wont be able to stop.Im grateful I have you guys to let off stream too. Thank you all
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