im not feeling good at all

Old 05-20-2002, 06:23 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Feb 2002
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Unhappy im not feeling good at all

I don't know guys what really to say, Saturday I was so angry and upset I didn't want to even post here. And that is very unusual for me.

I am going through a very difficult time now. It is hard to describe all of my feelings, but I figure it is best to post them, esp to you all who understand the crazy thoughts we have at times.

When my A and I split up (for the 3rd time) this past January he went to live with this woman in a nearby city who he used to work with. She is 10 years younger than us both and has 2 very young children. He left her and came home, when we got back together. She has since stalked,manipulated,and has acted crazy at times. My A has tried to handle this situation to the best of his ability to where she doesn't come to our home, or invade my or our childs security. She gives him money, drugs,alcohol, anything that he wants.
She is 4 months pregnant with his child.
He tells me he does not want her to have this baby, she knows this, and HAS known this, but is the type of person that would HAVE the baby to make life difficult for everyone, basically out of spite.

My A has tried to be strong, he has not handled this in the BEST ways, but he has been trying to talk to her, and convince her into termination.

I've also tried to talk to him, telling him to watch how he handles this, I've told him I can't take him leaving like he does, and not coming back until the next day, Saturday morning I woke up to find our car parked in front of the house and he no where to be found. He knew I had to go to work, but the woman had caught up with him at his mothers house, and he knew he had to talk to her. Like I had said before he is not handling this situation in the best manor, but I truly beleive he is trying to handle it.

In the meantime, I am feeling very bad about myself. The whole scenerio is driving me insane, making me have horrible thoughts, and I feel like I am to the point to where my life is so full of un-certainty from one day to the next, I don't know what to do.

My A still drinks and uses pot daily. It seems as though the focus has been off of that, and put on this other situation. It is also difficult because I have never had to deal with another woman in the piture ever before. (to my knowledge) It all feels awful.

Have any of you all ever gone through this?

I was trying real hard when I got up Saturday morning to focus on what I know, not to let his actions effect my mood, not let his actions affect mine, but it did not help me at all. It did not make me feel good at all. I WAS affected, It was like I couldn't help it. The whole morning I waited to hear from him, or for him to come home, and until he did, I was having terrible thoughts of suicide, hurting the other woman, or something, JUST SOMETHING to not feel the pain I was feeling inside.

I read your post Morning Glory about the inner child. It was very good. I come from a good family, no drinking or drug use at all, but a VERY non-affectionate family. We weren't really that close, Mom and Dad were there but distant.

I hate myself sometimes, those are strong words, I know...but I do. I can't help it. It is like I live in this personal inner hell everyday, it is an addiction to my A that I don't want anyone to know about who knows me, it is a need to feel loved in whatever sick way I can get it. It is irrational, but it is all apart of me. My biggest hope is that one day I can get past it, and at the rate I am going I am not really sure when that will be. I dispise being co dependent, we go through enough with all of this, I have a hard time trying to understand WHY we have to be affected by all of this so deeply.

I know this has been a book, but I really can't put my feelings in any other way except by how they come out.

I love you all, and thank you for letting me share my thoughts. I will try to make it through this day a little bit at a time.

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Old 05-20-2002, 06:37 AM
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: TN
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Bonbon, I'm new to this board and to having an A in my life, so I'm not sure what to tell you. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there and don't give up. Keep posting if it makes you feel any better at all. You'll be in my prayers. Take care.
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Old 05-20-2002, 07:37 AM
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Morning Glory
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I've felt just like you're feeling. Don't be hard on yourself. You are dealing with a lot! That awful need inside creates so much pain. Dealing with another woman and pregnancy is very difficult. Living with an A and raising a child!

You're handling so much right now. I don't think you realize it. Your anger is understandable. I think a restraining order against this other woman would be in order if your husband would go for that.

I also think you should go find support for yourself. I don't know if you go to meetings or counseling, but I think it would help a lot if you found support. I just went to counseling just for support while I went through a difficult time. When everything got sorted out I quit going. It made things much easier to deal with just talking to someone else and them telling me I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I did.

I'm sorry you are going through so much. It won't last forever. This too shall pass.


Old 05-20-2002, 10:05 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175

((((((( Bonbon )))))))

and here's another (((((( Bonbon ))))))

I thought you needed a few hugs! I defintely understand your pain. I've never gone through anything like that as far as the pregnancy with another woman but I know what it feels like as far as OTHER women and that's plural. I never thought that he would have affairs even after it was right in my face I was still in denial - what a stupid ass I was.

I haven't been posting over the weekend either. I went to the beach but I didn't have much fun. I had a real hard time with things as well. I even had thoughts of driving off the road ending my life and thinking would any one really miss me. that's awful to say but I really thought that way. I just want all of the pain to go away.

I don't have a whole lot to say other than hang in there. Tomorrow is a new day. That's how I'm looking at it anyway. It seems to help. I hope things will go better for you tonight. E-mail me anytime that you want. I'll always be here for you whether it's just an ear, shoulder, or whatever you need.

Princess -

I know I probably shouldn't say this but I'm going to. Girl - Run like hell and as fast as you can! If I knew then what I know now - I would have ran like hell as far from my A as I could go. I loved him with every inch of my heart and soul and he felt the same for me. They always say the addict always hurts the ones closest to them the most. That is so true!!!

And yes it is always about HIM. You have been given an opportunity not to get wrapped up in his sick life - take advantage of it while you still have a chance. I know you love him but sometimes it's best for yourself to love without being together. You deserve to love and to be loved by someone who you can be in a healthy relationship with and who can give as much as you do. Addicts always seem to take and take without giving much if anything in return.

I'm sorry if that sounds so harsh but I just don't want the same things to happen to you. They really do suck you up without even noticing what's going on until it's too late then you're already hooked. Addicts are masters of manipulation and lies. They have a way of making you doubt yourself and your sanity.

Take care -

Lots of love
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Old 05-21-2002, 02:52 PM
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i repeat......


I can not even type fast enough to say what is going throuhg my head..... and i can not type what i would like to say because it smacks of controling and mothering all at the same time... and it certainly would not be me working my program.....

BonBon.....Honey, sweetie SHE IS PREGNANT??? sorry i am having a hard time getting over this piece of news.... and he doesn't want her to have it? TOO LATE... she is a 4 months.... he is going to a dadday again whether he likes it or not.... OH MY GOD - i feel like I am hearing my girlfreind's life... She has been with her addict for over 10 years and he does the same thing - disappears for spaces of time - up to months at a time and this time he came home - asked her to marry him (she has said yes) and THEN tells her - oh honey i have a slight probelm.. she is pregnant... supposedly this other woman is also a stalker etc..... come to find out - he is lying to both of them.... telling the pregnanat one that M is unbalanced and telling M the pregnanat one is unbalance....

BonBon... how do you tell if an addict is lying... wehn his lips are moving.... my guess is she is psychotic because he has been lying to her as he has been lying to you.... I think he is playing you two off one another.....don't be so quick to think she is crazy and WHY are you beleiving what he is saying??? they ARE master manipulators and I think he ranks right up there from what I know.....

This is going to sound harsh - but GOD let her have him.....SHE IS PREGNANT!!!! and please don't tell me he said - but i don't know how it happened??? she might have trapped him, hell he might have said let's have a baby when he was high...

Have i ever been in this situation - no and had i been - I would have told him to get the hell out and to be expecting court papers with the amount of child support he has to pay to my child.... BonBon - you deserve SO much more than this.... You beautiful daughter deserves more than this....He is still using and somehow you are still heaping the blame on's the thing..... you cannot rebuild your self esteem - which is in the toilet until you GET OUT of his kllife.... and i do not mean physically if you do not want to.... but re-read your post.... how much was about him and how much was about you? And what did you write about you? it was all negative... your internal dialog is killing about telling yourself how wonderful you are - screw the situation you are in.... you are ***** , attractive, employed and a good mom... start telling yourself THOSE things.... not the other crap.....

And I also think you are possibly falling into a depression.... Have you talked to a doctor about maybe going on to anti depressants? you are NOT going insane - but it fio keep telling yourself you are - then you will make it so.....that new baby IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!! it is his.... he tangoed and now he must pay the piper.... You may not see if be he is using you and your family as a shield to shirk his responsibilities AGAIN... don't get caught up in all this....

tomorrow is another day.....and remember what Abraham Lincoln said" most folks are as happy as they make thier minds up to be" what are you going to make your mind up to be???

Love Ya
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Old 05-21-2002, 04:57 PM
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I am so sorry you hurt right now, but like Ogly said, you will keep on hurting if you stay with this guy. You are a strong, terrific person, with EVERYTHING going for YOU. But it's like breast cancer - don't want to lose the breast but the disease will kill you. You can survive this and come out of it. Picture yourself 3 years down the road. You can still be struggling with this guy or you can move on to a terrrific life for yourself.You may not think so, but I believe and Ogly believes and everyone here believes that you are worth so much more than all this. Focus on a plan for YOU. Make sure you can support yourself (i.e. no money to him) and plan ahead. Get help, go to meetings, get support for yourself.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!Yes I'm yelling. You are one fine lady and I know you can get through this, The hardest part of any job/change/journey is just getting started. Nothing changes if nothing changes. My heart and prayers are with you. I just know you can get mad enough to love yourself.

Hugs and Extra Hugs

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Old 05-22-2002, 06:53 AM
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Dayton, OH,USA
Posts: 40

Listen to Ogly. If you keep him around, all you are going to have is years and years of grief. Who knows what he tells this other women?
Loving someone is one thing, but he has a triangle going here, and he will Use it anyway he can. Good luck to you, and try to get some outside help. Love makes people do crazy things sometimes
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Old 05-22-2002, 07:59 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
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I believe I am about to make myself somewhat unpopular.

No one here is Madame Cleo. According to the dirt I've read, not even Madame Cleo is Madame Cleo. We do not know that Bonbon's situation is "just like" cousin Hepzebah's. We have learned by experience with addicts that it is impossible to see into the heart of another human being with certainty. Perhaps it is also beyond our sensory powers to know the real intent of a person we have never met.

By all means, share your experience. Share cousin Hepzebah's experience if it sounds similar. But I can tell from Bonbon's posts that she is an intelligent person able to draw conclusions on her own.

In other words... I am suggesting that the advice is getting a little strong. Anybody here like to be told what to do?

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