Lightbulb moment for me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Lightbulb moment for me
My issues are so minor in comparison to just about everyone here, but I had an issue that brought me to this forum, namely an alcoholic friend who was driving me nuts with the typical whining, negativity, grumpiness, b*tching and complaining, phoning all the time, doing outrageous things in public...
Anyway, I stopped contact with him in mid June after 18 mos of an unfulfilling friendship on my part. He didnt take it well, got pretty p*ssy with me, defending his actions, all the usual stuff. I knew he was angry with me and since I am not used to people being mad at me, I felt awful.
I toyed with the idea of apologizing to him for upsetting him and the desire to tell him I didnt want him out of my life, just to back off. You folks talked sense into me, and I did not contact him.
We live in a rural area where it's impossible to avoid him permanently and I know one day I will see him somewhere and have to make that split second decision to say hi or just keep walking. So that brings back the idea of emailing an apology, but I have not done that.
It came to me yesterday that the real reason I would consider and apology is so that I can go to the town he lives in and not be so concerned about running into him. If he forgave me, I could go about my business in his town and it'd be ok if I saw him. So the notion of apologizing was so that I could shop without dread of seeing him! It has nothing to do with wanting to see him, talk to him, hang out with him, have coffee with him, and have him like me again. It has everything to do with not being reluctant to go to the stores in his town! Pretty lousy reason to invite a drunk back into my life after getting rid of him!
I feel better knowing and understanding my motivation. I will continue with the no contact, I know that if I invited him back into my life I'd be right where I was in June with him pestering me all the time and irritating the hell out of me. Geez I'm glad I figured this out!
Anyway, I stopped contact with him in mid June after 18 mos of an unfulfilling friendship on my part. He didnt take it well, got pretty p*ssy with me, defending his actions, all the usual stuff. I knew he was angry with me and since I am not used to people being mad at me, I felt awful.
I toyed with the idea of apologizing to him for upsetting him and the desire to tell him I didnt want him out of my life, just to back off. You folks talked sense into me, and I did not contact him.
We live in a rural area where it's impossible to avoid him permanently and I know one day I will see him somewhere and have to make that split second decision to say hi or just keep walking. So that brings back the idea of emailing an apology, but I have not done that.
It came to me yesterday that the real reason I would consider and apology is so that I can go to the town he lives in and not be so concerned about running into him. If he forgave me, I could go about my business in his town and it'd be ok if I saw him. So the notion of apologizing was so that I could shop without dread of seeing him! It has nothing to do with wanting to see him, talk to him, hang out with him, have coffee with him, and have him like me again. It has everything to do with not being reluctant to go to the stores in his town! Pretty lousy reason to invite a drunk back into my life after getting rid of him!
I feel better knowing and understanding my motivation. I will continue with the no contact, I know that if I invited him back into my life I'd be right where I was in June with him pestering me all the time and irritating the hell out of me. Geez I'm glad I figured this out!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by funkynassau 
My issues are so minor in comparison to just about everyone here, but I had an issue that brought me to this forum, namely an alcoholic friend who was driving me nuts with the typical whining, negativity, grumpiness, b*tching and complaining, phoning all the time, doing outrageous things in public...
Anyway, I stopped contact with him in mid June after 18 mos of an unfulfilling friendship on my part. He didnt take it well, got pretty p*ssy with me, defending his actions, all the usual stuff. I knew he was angry with me and since I am not used to people being mad at me, I felt awful.
I toyed with the idea of apologizing to him for upsetting him and the desire to tell him I didnt want him out of my life, just to back off. You folks talked sense into me, and I did not contact him.
We live in a rural area where it's impossible to avoid him permanently and I know one day I will see him somewhere and have to make that split second decision to say hi or just keep walking. So that brings back the idea of emailing an apology, but I have not done that.
It came to me yesterday that the real reason I would consider and apology is so that I can go to the town he lives in and not be so concerned about running into him. If he forgave me, I could go about my business in his town and it'd be ok if I saw him. So the notion of apologizing was so that I could shop without dread of seeing him! It has nothing to do with wanting to see him, talk to him, hang out with him, have coffee with him, and have him like me again. It has everything to do with not being reluctant to go to the stores in his town! Pretty lousy reason to invite a drunk back into my life after getting rid of him!
I feel better knowing and understanding my motivation. I will continue with the no contact, I know that if I invited him back into my life I'd be right where I was in June with him pestering me all the time and irritating the hell out of me. Geez I'm glad I figured this out!
Anyway, I stopped contact with him in mid June after 18 mos of an unfulfilling friendship on my part. He didnt take it well, got pretty p*ssy with me, defending his actions, all the usual stuff. I knew he was angry with me and since I am not used to people being mad at me, I felt awful.
I toyed with the idea of apologizing to him for upsetting him and the desire to tell him I didnt want him out of my life, just to back off. You folks talked sense into me, and I did not contact him.
We live in a rural area where it's impossible to avoid him permanently and I know one day I will see him somewhere and have to make that split second decision to say hi or just keep walking. So that brings back the idea of emailing an apology, but I have not done that.
It came to me yesterday that the real reason I would consider and apology is so that I can go to the town he lives in and not be so concerned about running into him. If he forgave me, I could go about my business in his town and it'd be ok if I saw him. So the notion of apologizing was so that I could shop without dread of seeing him! It has nothing to do with wanting to see him, talk to him, hang out with him, have coffee with him, and have him like me again. It has everything to do with not being reluctant to go to the stores in his town! Pretty lousy reason to invite a drunk back into my life after getting rid of him!
I feel better knowing and understanding my motivation. I will continue with the no contact, I know that if I invited him back into my life I'd be right where I was in June with him pestering me all the time and irritating the hell out of me. Geez I'm glad I figured this out!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Being someone who hates confrontation, myself (ironic that I wound up in a profession where I am PAID to be confrontational), I totally understand how you feel. I can't figure out whether it's my own discomfort or the other person's that causes me more distress. I just hate AWKWARDNESS.
For your sake, I hope you run into him sooner rather than later. I think once you have that first experience encountering him somewhere and you don't fall apart and the sky doesn't fall, you will feel a lot less worried about it.
For your sake, I hope you run into him sooner rather than later. I think once you have that first experience encountering him somewhere and you don't fall apart and the sky doesn't fall, you will feel a lot less worried about it.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My issues are so minor in comparison to just about everyone here
Being someone who hates confrontation, myself (ironic that I wound up in a profession where I am PAID to be confrontational),
I have a girlfriend who negotiates contracts for her company and kicks you know what. She also has the reputation of being great to work for because she always negotiates great raises for her employees with the higher-uppers. But every time she's going in to negotiate a raise for herself, she's a wreck beforehand. Because it's about her.
I know that's kind of sideways but still. Kind of interesting.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by lillamy
Your issues are just as important to you as mine are to me. And we're all here to try to support each other as we stumble our way forward. I think you're doing real darn well on your own there, buddy!
Lexie, this makes perfect sense to me. When you're being confrontational in your job, it's not on your own behalf. Your personhood isn't invested in it. If you're rejected or lose, it's not you personally it's about. I am very persistent and can take any kind of confrontation on substance in the office -- but if a grocery store clerk looks sideways at me, I feel guilty and wonder what I did wrong.
I have a girlfriend who negotiates contracts for her company and kicks you know what. She also has the reputation of being great to work for because she always negotiates great raises for her employees with the higher-uppers. But every time she's going in to negotiate a raise for herself, she's a wreck beforehand. Because it's about her.
I know that's kind of sideways but still. Kind of interesting.
Lexie, this makes perfect sense to me. When you're being confrontational in your job, it's not on your own behalf. Your personhood isn't invested in it. If you're rejected or lose, it's not you personally it's about. I am very persistent and can take any kind of confrontation on substance in the office -- but if a grocery store clerk looks sideways at me, I feel guilty and wonder what I did wrong.
I have a girlfriend who negotiates contracts for her company and kicks you know what. She also has the reputation of being great to work for because she always negotiates great raises for her employees with the higher-uppers. But every time she's going in to negotiate a raise for herself, she's a wreck beforehand. Because it's about her.
I know that's kind of sideways but still. Kind of interesting.
It's OK, as it says below my avatar, I'm a work in progress.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
LexieCat you are right, I do need to run into him somewhere and just get it over with. I knew that before I had my big revelation. I am not a wimp, I can hold my own in most situations, but this situation is out of the norm for me. I get along with most people and am a sociable nice person. This man brings out the worst in me.
It will be that split second where our eyes meet and I know I've been seen! I really hope he just ignores me and goes on his not so merry way, and then I will know I am over this confrontation thing and I wont be reluctant to run into him anymore. I have a feeling he'll ignore me, and I hope I am right.
It will be that split second where our eyes meet and I know I've been seen! I really hope he just ignores me and goes on his not so merry way, and then I will know I am over this confrontation thing and I wont be reluctant to run into him anymore. I have a feeling he'll ignore me, and I hope I am right.
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