ZenMe

Let's pretend you are single and your best friend wants to set you up with your current significant other and proceeds to tell you everything you now know about them.

Something like "hey I want to introduce you to Mike/Michelle, he/she is really nice but drinks too much, got a dui, etc, etc"

What would your answer be? "Sure set me up, I would love to meet him/her" or "no thanks".

AlcoholicLove

"No"
I wouldn't even say thanks.....

FireSprite

While things are going well enough for us at this point in recovery, there was a time that I told AH that if I were to meet him that day I wouldn't have had anything to do with him. I told him that all of those wonderful things that I had loved about him had been absorbed by his addiction and he was no longer *that* guy.

While he'll never exactly be *that* guy again, he's much, much closer to his old self now than he was while he was actively drinking or in early recovery. While less dramatic, I've undergone some pretty sizable changes in my recovery too, so I guess it goes both ways.... I'll never be *that* girl again either.

After nearly 20 years together, sometimes it feels like we're just learning about each other for the first time.

lillamy

(I'm not still in the relationship and not still on the fence but you know what? I would RUN. Run screaming in the other direction. Probably after saying something obscene to my "friend" and defriending them.)

dandylion

ZenMe, I just had a very sad thought. When presented with my son, at birth, and told that he would grow up to be an alcoholic---could I have said "I want nothing to do with him"?

I think it is so much easier with a potential mate than with your own flesh and blood. (Not that it is that easy picking a mate).

dandylion

funkynassau

I would say - uh, I dont think so!

27cougar

A big fat no!

owathu

Right??? NO fing way! I would wonder if my friend actually hated me. There is no way, knowing what I do right now that this guy would have ever gotten my phone number.

owathu

Dandy, I feel that. My mom is an alcoholic, and as much as I love her, I cannot stand her at the same time. I remember when she was this vibrant beautiful active woman. After she left my father, she started drinking to cope with what she did and with the abusive man she chose. She visited me last week, it was like having my husband back, a shell. Drinking all day, didn't want to do any activities, never ate, so, I left her to it. What do you do? But, it exhausted me and I couldn't wait to put her back on that plane. And of course, I felt guilty about counting down the hours. I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I think that is how parents who have addicted children feel. Love them to death, but, either you become co-dependent or leave them to it. It's not a situation I would ever want to be in, which is why I have dogs, they don't drink anything but water. The sqeeky however, is crack.

And I realized. Nope, don't miss husband. At All. Brought a lot of clarity and closure for me. And I thank her for that. I love her, but do not want to be around her.

Florence

Nope. He broke my heart over and over, and my kids' hearts over and over. And he probably will for the next fifteen years.

MTSlideAddict

No way.

I have said before, if I knew before I married him what I know now I would have not married him. I was not educated in Alcoholism, Codependency, or how it all effects a marriage, but if I did know what I do now I would of probably ran instead of just walked away.

There is no way I'd be set up to ride this coaster again. Expereince was the worst way to learn this pain.

healthyagain

It would be one gigantic NO. Just imagine a Friday evening being alone and sleeping on weekends in separate rooms (for years). Intimacy nonexistent for months. And then he blames everything on his job, and how it sucks his energy out of him (actually, it is the whole world's fault). . . nah, he just has his little mistress called alcohol, and I have to wait in line for some affection. And you are not supposed to look for love anywhere else.

When you are married to an alcoholic, you are not technically single, but you feel lonelier than ever.

Carlotta

Hammer

As was, was way ok.

After the relapse . . . not so much.

So probably if the relapse were inevitable, and the aftermath -- no.

OnawaMiniya

I'm not a victim. Unless I'm "victim" of my own choices.

Hard to answer a hypothetical, isn't it?

wolfpackfan45

Nope.

keeper7

This friend would tell me everything? Good and bad? Like that he would give me three beautiful kids and that he would walk with me through months of really bad PTSD flashbacks without any physical contact. That he would understand my need for very strict boundries in the area of physical touch. That he would go out of his way to learn about PTSD triggers and how to best get me out of flashbacks/panic attacks. All of this before his three year trip with alcohol? Yes he was a jerk when drinking, yes he made some really dumb choices especially when it came to friends and the kids. I have been through hell in my life what he put me through was not even the tip of the ice burg. Do I leave him and walk away just because he chose alcohol to cope with loosing his three kids to his very unstable ex? No I can't. But I do set boundries hard and firm and make sure he is the stable loving man I met and fell in love with before I trust him with my heart or kids again. He knows me better then anyone do I trade that for the chance that someone out their might not make a mistake and hurt me? Nope I'll take the bad qith the good and keep walking with my eyes open. Legally separated still means legally married but he has many hoops to jump through before he gets to live in my home or sleep in my bed! In away no different then a new relationship I guess.

DreamsofSerenity

^^^^^This!!!!

It would be malevolent to set someone up with a known alcoholic.

OnawaMiniya

I say that because many of us ignored big fat red flags. Being told about someone versus living it, who knows.

love4menotu

ha ha ha... going to the hardware store for bread.

I'm so over that, really.

Lyn